The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 38
Two married men were discussing their sex lives. One asked. ‘Does your wife ever let you do it doggie fashion?’
‘Not exactly,’ replied the second. ‘She’s more into doing doggie tricks.’
‘Wow!’ said the first. ‘What does that entail? Sounds pretty kinky.’
‘Sadly, it’s not,’ said the second. ‘Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead.’
1368
Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? – To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.
1369
Five weeks after her wedding, the new bride called her sister. ‘Oh, Avril,’ she said, ‘Neville and I had the most dreadful fight last night.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said her sister reassuringly. It’s not as bad as you think. All couples have to have their first fight.’
‘I suppose you’re right, but what am I going to do with the body?’
Dating and Marriage:
1370
When you are dating . . . Farting is never an issue.
When you are married . . . You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband – at all times.
1371
When you are dating … He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married … He brings home a six-pack and says, ‘What are you going to drink?’
1372
When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.
1373
When you are dating . . . You enjoy foreplay.
When you are married . . . You tell him. If we have sex, will you leave me alone?’
1374
When you are dating … He hugs you tenderly for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boobs any chance he gets.
1375
When you are dating … A single bed for two feels cosy.
When you are married … A king-size double bed feels too cramped.
1376
When you are dating . . . The sight of him naked turns you on.
When you are married . . . You think, ‘Was he always that fat?’
1377
When you are dating . . . You picture the two of you, growing old together.
When you are married . . . You wonder who will die first.
1378
A man came home drunk in the early hours to find his angry wife waiting for him at the door.
‘Out drinking again?’ she demanded. ‘How much money did you spend this time?’
‘$100,’ he answered.
‘$100!’ she raged. ‘That’s crazy, spending that much in one night.’
‘It’s easy for you to say,’ he countered. ‘You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, and you have your own pussy.’
1379
What’s the worst thing a woman can get on her thirtieth wedding anniversary? – Morning sickness.
1380
On the first morning after their honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen and brought his wife breakfast in bed. Naturally she was delighted.
‘Have you noticed what I’ve done?’ he asked.
‘Of course, dear. Every single detail.’
‘Good,’ he said. ‘That’s how I want my breakfast served every morning from now on.’
1381
Three young women at a cocktail party were trying to score points off each other by boasting about their husbands.
The first said: ‘My husband is taking me to the French Riviera this summer. We’re going to hire a yacht and hang out with film stars.’
The second said: ‘My husband has just bought me a new Mercedes. It’s the most expensive car money can buy.’
Unimpressed, the third said: ‘We don’t have many material possessions, but one thing I can tell you about my husband: thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.’
Hearing this, the first woman looked ashamed and admitted: ‘I was lying. We’re not really going to the French Riviera: we’re going to my folks in Detroit.’
The second woman confessed: ‘And my husband didn’t really buy me a Mercedes – it was a Honda.’
The third wife said: ‘I, too, have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg.’
Husband Ratings:
1382
You say you are buying her a new car
+5
It’s a pickup truck
-5
With the licence plate GR8 LAY
-10
1383
You cook her a meal
+2
It’s out of a packet
-1
It’s still in the packet when you serve it
-5
1384
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wing
+3
In the snow
+5
But return with beer
-5
1385
You check out a suspicious noise at night
+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing
+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something
+3
You pummel it with a six-iron
+10
It’s her pet
-10
1386
At a party, you stay by her side the entire time
+1
You leave her side after a while to chat with a college drinking buddy
-2
Named Selina
-4
Selina is a dancer
-6
Selina has implants
-8
1387
You take your wife to a movie
+1
You take her to a movie she likes
+3
You take her to a movie you hate
+5
You take her to a movie you like
-2
It’s called DeathCop3
-4
Which features cyborgs that eat humans
-8
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
-10
1388
A researcher carrying out a survey on marital sex phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: ‘In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered “once a week”, but your wife has answered “several times a night”.’
‘That’s correct,’ said the husband. ‘And that’s the way it’s going to be until the mortgage is paid off.’
1389
When his wife went missing, her husband searched everywhere for her. As well as reporting her disappearance to the police, he contacted all her friends and family in a bid to trace her. Then two days after she had vanished, he returned home to find her standing in the bathroom.
He threw his arms around her and cried: ‘Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.’
‘These four masked men kidnapped me,’ she said, ‘tied me up, and had wild sex with me for a week.’
‘But it’s only been two days,’ said the husband. ‘What do you mean, a week?’
She answered: ‘I’m only here to collect my toothbrush.’
1390
Three married women were talking about their sex lives.
The first said: ‘My husband is like a Rolls-Royce, smooth and sophisticated.’
The second said: ‘Mine is like a Porsche, fast and powerful.’
The third said: ‘Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start, and I have to jump on while it’s still going!’
1391
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won’t take long.
Husband. I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: Yeah, well I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you always think of
things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I’m hot.
Husband: You get hot at the craziest times.
Wife: If you love me, I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me, you’d be more considerate.
Wife: You don’t love me any more.
Husband: I do, but let’s forget it for tonight, and try to get some sleep.
Wife (sobbing): You don’t, you don’t love me any more.
Husband: All right, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, darling.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s just fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. And the next time, it’s your turn to get up and turn down the thermostat.
1392
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
1393
A man arrived home from a tiring day at work, flopped down on the sofa in front of the television and called to his wife: ‘Get me a beer before it starts.’
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he said: ‘Get me another beer before it starts.’
She fetched another beer and angrily slammed it down next to him.
He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: ‘Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.’
The wife was furious. She yelled at him: ‘Is that all you’re going to do all evening? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .’
The man sighed and said: ‘It’s started . . .’
MARTIANS
1394
One day, a spaceship landed in a farmer’s field, and a Martian man and woman got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a friendly gesture, the farmer invited the Martian couple to his home for dinner and offered to put them up for the night. The Martians accepted, and later that evening the Martian man explained how it was customary on their planet to swap partners as a seal of friendship. The farmer, not wishing to offend his alien neighbours, readily agreed.
So the Martian man took the farmer’s wife into the main bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into the other bedroom. In the main bedroom they had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife: ‘Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?’
The farmer’s wife replied: ‘To be honest, it needs to be a little bigger around.’ So the Martian man twisted his right ear and, as if by magic, his penis became bigger around.
An hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again: ‘How does it feel now?’
‘I think it needs to be a little longer,’ she answered. So the Martian man twisted his left ear and his penis immediately became longer.
The next morning, after their alien friends had left, the farmer and his wife were sitting at the breakfast table when the farmer asked her: ‘How was the Martian man?’
‘Fine,’ she said. ‘How about the Martian woman?’
‘Huh,’ grunted the farmer. ‘Damn woman yanked on my bloody ears all night long!’
1395
After their spaceship crashed on Earth, two glowing Martians managed to survive. Trying to find a way back to Mars, they trudged through forests and fields until they eventually arrived on the edge of a big American city. Stopping at an intersection, they began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light.
Suddenly the light turned from green to yellow, then to red. One Martian turned to the other and said: ‘Let’s get out of here. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman who’s a tease.’
MASOCHISM
1396
A sadist and a masochist were put in the same prison cell.
The masochist cried: ‘Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me, just cause me pain.’
The sadist said: ‘No.’
1397
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy’s van when suddenly the girl, being a bit kinky, yelled out: ‘Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!’
Although not surprisingly he didn’t have any whips to hand, the guy was reluctant to pass up such a unique opportunity. Then, in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip the girl with the antenna until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester, so she went to the doctor. The medic took one look at the wounds and asked: ‘Did you get these marks having sex?’
The embarrassed girl admitted that she did.
Noddin his head knowingly, the doctor added: ‘I thought so because in all my years of doctoring, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen.’
1398
A mother found an S&M magazine under her young son’s bed. She asked her husband: ‘What should we do?’
‘Well,’ said the husband, ‘I don’t think you should spank him . . .’
1399
A guy was asked why he married a sadist. He said: ‘Beats me!’
1400
A guy picked up a girl at an S&M bar. He said to her: ‘Do you want to come back to my place and watch something raunchy on TV?’
‘Do you have cable?’ she asked.
‘No, but I’ve got some old ropes that should hold you just fine.’
MASTURBATION
1401
The Queen was on a tour of one of Canada’s top hospitals when she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. ‘Oh, my!’ she exclaimed. ‘That’s disgraceful.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the doctor leading the tour, ‘but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles fill rapidly with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.’
‘I understand,’ said the Queen sympathetically. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. ‘Oh, my!’ gasped the Queen. ‘What’s happening in there?’
The doctor replied: ‘Same problem, better health care plan.’
1402
A young guy was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A gorgeous Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually working her way down his body. As her soft, smooth hands approached the towel, he began getting sexually aroused. When the towel rose steadily, she arched her eyebrows.
‘You wanna wank?’ she asked.
‘You bet!’ he answered excitedly.
‘OK,’ she said. I come back in ten minutes.’
1403
What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re jerking off? – Your ears, listening for footsteps.
1404
A woman went to see an artistic movie with her husband, but was disturbed by a masturbation scene. She said: ‘I’m sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie really offensive.’
‘OK,’ he said. ‘I’ll stop doing it.’
1405
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? – A tearjerker.
1406
One day, a priest spotted a young man masturbating in an alley. ‘My son, you shouldn’t be doing that,’ said the priest. ‘You should be saving that for when you get married.’