Ten years on, the priest was walking down the street when a stranger approached him. ‘You probably don’t remember me,’ said the man, ‘but ten years ago you caught me masturbating down an alley, and you gave me a piece of advice.’
‘Really?’ said the priest. ‘What did I advise?’
‘You told me to save all that for when I got married.’
‘Yes, that sounds like the sort of advice I would give. And have you followed it?’
‘Indeed I have. Father. But there’s just one problem.’
‘Oh, what is that?’
‘I’ve got a 48-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I’m getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?’
1407
What’s the ultimate rejection? – When you’re masturbating and your hand goes to sleep.
1408
On their first date, a guy drove his girlfriend to a quiet country lane and began reaching under her skirt.
‘Get off!’ she said, pushing his hand away. ‘I’m a virgin, and that’s how I intend to stay for the time being.’
‘How about a blow job?’ he inquired hopefully.
‘No way. I’m not putting that thing in my mouth.’
‘Well, how about a hand job?’
‘I’ve never done that. What do I have to do?’
‘It’s simple,’ he explained. ‘Remember when you were a kid and used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it? Well it’s just like that.’
So she pulled out his dick and started shaking it. A few seconds later his head flopped back on the headrest, his eyes closed, snot started to run out of his nose, wax blew out of his ears, and he suddenly screamed in pain.
‘What’s wrong?’ she cried.
‘Take your thumb off the end!’
1409
A young married couple were sitting in the cinema. After a while, the woman said to her husband: ‘The man next to me is masturbating.’
‘Ignore him, honey. Come on, we’ll move seats.’
‘I can’t,’ she said. ‘He’s using my hand.’
1410
What do you call a successful masturbation by a ninety-year-old man? Miracle whip.
1411
Three guys were on vacation at a ski lodge. There weren’t enough rooms, so they had to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, ‘I had this crazy dream of getting a hand job!’ Then the guy on the left woke up and, unbelievably, he’d had the same dream. A few moments later the guy in the middle woke up and said, ‘That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.’
MEN
25 Rules For Being a Man:
1412
1.
Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
1413
2.
It is acceptable for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
when a heroic dog dies to save its master
the moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
after wrecking your boss’s car
when she is using her teeth
1414
3.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.
1415
4.
If you’ve known a man for more than a day, his sister is off limits for ever – unless you actually marry her.
1416
5.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
1417
6.
On a road journey, the strongest bladder dictates pit stops, not the weakest.
1418
7.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden.
1419
8.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
1420
9.
If a man’s fly is open, that’s his problem: you didn’t see anything.
1421
10.
Women who claim they love to watch sport must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
1422
11.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
1423
12.
It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach . . . and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel . . . and it’s free.
1424
13.
Never hesitate to take the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
1425
14.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
1426
15.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
1427
16.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
1428
17.
Never talk to another man in a public toilet. An almost imperceptible nod is the only conversation required.
1429
18.
There is no reason for guys to watch men’s ice skating or men’s gymnastics.
1430
19.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 per cent without recrimination.
1431
20.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait ten minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
1432
21.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal and moral duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it.
1433
22.
The universal compensation for friends who help you move house is beer.
1434
23.
Before dating a buddy’s ‘ex’, you are required to seek his permission, and he in return is required to grant it.
1435
24.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
1436
25.
Never, ever slap another man.
1437
Away from home for two weeks on a business trip, a man booked into a modern motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.
‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ said the clerk, ‘but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.’
Sceptical but intrigued, the businessman located the machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening as per the instructions. The machine immediately started to buzz and whirl for thirty seconds. When it stopped, the man pulled out his head and looked in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.
Further down the hall was another machine with a sign that read: ‘Manicures – 25 cents.’ Buoyed by his success with the haircut, he decided to give it a try. He paid the money, put his hands into the slot, and pulled them out thirty seconds later, perfectly manicured.
A little further down the hall was a third machine, bearing a sign that read: ‘This machine provides what men need most when away from their wives – cost 50 cents.’ The businessman had been away from home for so long that he was desperate for sex. So after checking that there was nobody aro
und, he paid the money, then unzipped his trousers and stuck his penis into the opening. But when the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony. Thirty seconds later, it stopped and, with trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his penis . . . which now had a button sewn on the tip.
1438
Why do men name their penises? – Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety per cent of their decisions.
1439
Why do men whistle on the toilet? – Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
1440
Why do only ten per cent of men go to heaven? – Because if they all went, it would be hell.
1441
What’s the best way to kill a man? – Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him, then tell him to pick only one.
1442
What is the difference between a man and Bigfoot? – One is covered in matted hair and smells awful; the other has big feet.
1443
Why are men like guns? – Keep one around long enough, and eventually you’re going to want to shoot it.
Ten Things Men Know About Women:
1444
1.
They have pussies
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
They have breasts too
1445
What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? – Telling you his real name.
1446
What do you call a handcuffed man? – Trustworthy.
1447
What do you call a guy with a one-inch dick? – Justin.
1448
What do you call a man with ninety-nine per cent of his brain missing? – Castrated.
1449
Why did the man cross the road? – He heard the chicken was a slut.
1450
How does a man keep his youth? – By giving him money and expensive presents.
1451
Why do men marry virgins? – Because they can’t stand criticism.
1452
What is the ideal breakfast for a man? – He’s sitting at the table eating Eggs Benedict, his son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties, his mistress is on the cover of the new Penthouse, and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.
1453
A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically: ‘I don’t know why you wear a bra – you’ve got nothing to put in it.’
She replied: ‘Well, you wear underpants, don’t you?’
1454
What do men and pantyhose have in common? – They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
1455
What’s the difference between a man and a condom? – Condoms have changed: they’re no longer thick and insensitive.
1456
How are men like lawn mowers? – They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don’t work.
1457
Men are like cycling helmets – handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
1458
A woman bumped into an old friend and asked how her marriage was going.
‘It’s terrible,’ she said. ‘He eats like a pig, he never has a bath, and he leaves his filthy clothes lying all over the house. He makes me feel so sick I can barely eat.’
‘Why don’t you leave him?’
‘I will. But I want to lose another fifteen pounds first.’
Men’s Mastercard Commercial:
1459
Cover charge $15.00
Round of drinks $23.00
Table dance $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
***PRICELESS***
1460
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a woman ask: ‘Excuse me, did you want that trolley?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘I’m only after one thing.’
‘Huh,’ she muttered. ‘Typical man!’
1461
Why can’t men get mad cow disease? – Because they’re all pigs.
1462
What’s the one thing that keeps most men out of college? – High school.
1463
How are men like noodles? – They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
1464
What’s the difference between men and women? – A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need: a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
1465
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don’t have eyes.
1466
How do you know when a man’s had an orgasm? – He’s snoring.
1467
A guy went for a crap and kept going for three hours. Finally he got to the point where he shat his brains right out. He had no brains left at all. Finally done, he wiped his ass and for the first time in his life he put the seat down.
1468
Once upon a time a female brain cell mistakenly ended up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
‘Is anyone here?’ she shouted. There was no reply.
So she shouted louder: ‘Is there anyone around?’
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: ‘Hello, we’re all down here . . .’
A Woman’s Ten Favourite Men
1469
The doctor, because he says, ‘Take off your clothes.’
1470
The dentist, because he says, ‘Open wide.’
1471
The hairdresser, because he says, ‘Do you want it teased or blown?’
1472
The milkman, because he says, ‘Do you want it in the front or around the back?’
1473
The interior decorator, because he says, ‘Once you have it all in, you’ll love it.’
1474
The banker, because he says, ‘If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.’
1475
The police officer, because he says, ‘Spread ’em.’
1476
The mailman, because he always delivers his package.
1477
The pilot, because he takes off fast and then slows down.
1478
The hunter, because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
1479
Strolling along the beach, a man found a magic lamp and rubbed it vigorously. As he had hoped, a genie emerged and immediately granted him one wish.
The man said: ‘I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want.’
And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
1480
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? – So they can find their way back to the house.
1481
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? – One. Men will screw anything.
1482
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? – Four guys watching a football game.
1483
What’s the difference between a sofa and a man watching football? – The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
1484
Why a Woman’s Nagging Never Works:
The woman says: ‘This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do the laundry right now, you’ll have no clothes to wear.’
The man hears: ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah C’MON
Blah, blah YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah RIGHT NOW
Blah, blah, blah NO CLOTHES.’
/> 1485
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? – Make him wear shoes.
1486
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? – A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
1487
What’s the difference between a man and a catfish? – One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 39