1488
A man had six children and was so proud of his achievement that, despite his wife’s objections, he started calling her ‘mother of six’, both in private and in public.
One night the couple went to a party. When the husband was ready to go home, he called out loudly: ‘Shall we leave now, Mother of Six?’
Irritated by his lack of discretion, his wife shouted back: ‘Ready when you are, Father of Four.’
If Men Really Ruled The World:
1489
Any fake number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
1490
Nodding and looking at your watch would be considered an acceptable response to ‘I love you’.
1491
Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards.
1492
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
1493
Instead of beer belly, you’d get ‘beer biceps’.
1494
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29 so it would only occur in leap years.
1495
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A slap on the ass and a ‘Good try, you’ll get ’em next time’ would pretty much do it.
1496
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
1497
Condoms would be lager flavoured.
1498
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
1499
Telephones would automatically cut off after thirty seconds of conversation. It would be considered harmless fun to gather twenty friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
1500
What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? – Brushing his teeth.
1501
Why do men like having sex with the lights on? – It makes it easier to put a name to the face.
1502
Why are men like cars? – Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Manliness Test:
1503
1.
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
1504
2.
You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
1505
3.
You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss the big game on TV.
1506
4.
Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend ever needs to find out about.
1507
5.
Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
1508
6.
Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No great concern of yours.
B. Not a problem – she can join a gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
1509
7.
You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
1510
8.
Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetiser is to entrée.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
1511
9.
You feel a gas attack coming on. Do you:
A. Hold it in with clenched buttocks.
B. Reluctantly let it go, and mutter an apology.
C. Let it rip and race around the room giving hi-fives.
1512
10.
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
If you answered A more than seven times, check inside your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered B more than seven times, check into therapy.
If you answered C more than seven times, you da man!
MEXICANS
1513
What do you throw a Mexican man when he’s drowning? – His wife and kids.
1514
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? – A dry Martinez.
1515
How does a Mexican get into an honest business? – Usually through the skylight.
1516
An American, a Canadian and a Mexican had been on the road for days and were starving. Arriving at a farm with dozens of different fruits on display, they ran up to the baskets and started helping themselves, only to be confronted by the irate farmer waving a shotgun. The men begged for mercy until the farmer relented.
‘OK,’ he said, ‘I’m in a good mood so I won’t kill you. Instead you must stuff one hundred of your favourite fruits up your ass. But if you laugh while you’re doing it, I’ll shoot you!’
Going first, the American chose cherries and reached sixty-eight before he started laughing uncontrollably. The farmer shot him.
Next, the Canadian chose grapes and reached eighty-three before he, too, burst out laughing. The farmer shot him.
When the American and the Canadian arrived in heaven, an angel asked them why they had laughed. They said: ‘We saw the Mexican with watermelons.’
1517
Why do Mexicans have such small steering wheels? – So they can drive wearing handcuffs.
1518
Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? – Tequila.
1519
If you see a Mexican on a bike, why shouldn’t you run him over? – It might be your bike.
1520
An American dude was driving a Cadillac in Mexico and pulled into a station for gas. A Mexican boy was quietly sitting on a fruit crate peeling an apple and showed no sign of moving.
Becoming impatient at the lack of service, the dude yelled: ‘Hey, how about pumping me some motherfucking gas?’
The kid said: ‘Señor, we don’t like that word “motherfucker” in this country.’ And he continued peeling his apple.
The dude reacted angrily. ‘Boy, I want some motherfucking gas! Do you hear me?’
The kid repeated: ‘Señor, we don’t like the word “motherfucker” in this country.’ And he carried on peeling his apple.
The dude was now seething with rage. ‘You gonna pump me some motherfucking gas, or am I gonna have to pump it myself?’
The kid stood up and said calmly: ‘Señor, let me show you something.’ He tossed the apple into the air and with his sharp knife, cut it into sixteen slices in mid-air.
The dude said: ‘You got another motherfucking apple?’
The kid tossed him another apple, whereupon the dude pulled out his .45 and made apple sauce out of it.
The kid thought for a moment and said: ‘How many motherfucking gallons do you think she’ll hold, senor?’
1521
Why do Mexicans retry their beans? – Have you ever known a Mexican to do something right the first time?
1522
What are the first four words in every Mexican cookbook?– ‘First, steal a chicken.’
1523
How does a Mexican commit suicide? – He smells his armpits.
How does an American commit suicide? – He tells this joke to a Mexican.
1524
A Mexican was hypnotized by a fairground magician. ‘You’re in the desert,’ said the hypnotist. ‘It’s unbearably hot, and you’re gasping for water.’
The Mexican began panting breathlessly and licking his lips.
‘Now you’re at the South Pole,’ said the hypnotist. ‘It’s bitterly cold, and you are struggling to keep warm.’
The Mexican began to shiver uncontrollably.
‘Now you’re in the USA,’ continued the hypnotist. ‘You have a good job, a nice house, you’re a respected member of the community.’
The Mexican opened one eye and said: ‘If you wake me up, I’ll break your arms.’
1525
What do you call a black man driving a Cadillac? – Black Power.
What do you call a white man driving a Cadillac? – White Power.
What do you call a Mexican driving a Cadillac? – Grand theft auto.
1526
How can you tell a Mexican cesspool? – It’s the one with the diving board.
1527
Why did the Mexican become so excited? – He discovered he could use Right Guard under his left arm.
1528
When does a Mexican become Spanish? – When he marries your daughter.
1529
A massive earthquake hit Mexico, killing two million Mexicans. Canada sent troopers to help the Mexican Army control the situation; Europe sent food and money; Saudi Arabia sent oil; the Latin American countries sent clothing supplies to help the homeless; the United States sent two million replacement Mexicans.
MIDDLE AGE
What a Difference Thirty Years Makes:
1530
1975: long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1531
1975: Moving to California because it’s cool
2005: Moving to California because it’s warm
1532
1975: Growing pot
2005: Growing pot belly
1533
1975: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2005: Trying not to look like Liz Taylor
1534
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1535
1975: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2005: Getting a new hip joint
1536
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney stones
1537
1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1538
1975: Take acid
2005: Take antacid
1539
1975: Passing the driver’s test
2005: Passing the vision test
1540
1975: ‘Whatever’
2005: ‘Depends’
MILITARY
1541
Two rednecks with the US Army – Leroy and Luke – were promoted from privates to sergeants. As they were strolling around the army base, Leroy said: ‘Let’s go into the Officers’ Club.’
Luke said: ‘But we’re privates.’
Leroy pointed to his stripes and reminded him: ‘We’re sergeants now.’
Once inside the club, Leroy said: ‘I’m gonna sit myself down with a drink.’
Luke said: ‘But we’re privates.’
‘Are you blind?’ said Leroy, pointing to his stripes. ‘We’re sergeants now.’
So they had a drink, and after a while a hooker sidled up to Leroy. ‘You’re kinda cute,’ she purred, ‘and I’d love to show you a good time but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.’
Puzzled, Leroy whispered to Luke: ‘Go and look up that word in the dictionary. If it’s OK, come back and give me the thumbs up.’
So Luke went back to his hut and looked up ‘gonorrhoea’ in the dictionary. Then he returned to the club and gave Leroy the thumbs up.
Three weeks later, Leroy was lying in the army hospital with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. When Luke came to visit, Leroy stormed: ‘Luke, why did you give me the thumbs up?’
‘Well,’ replied Luke. ‘In the dictionary it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates.’ He pointed to his stripes and said: ‘But we’re sergeants now!’
1542
At the height of the Troubles in Northern Ireland, a 10 p.m. curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everyone had to be off the streets by that time or risk being shot. Then one night, a man was gunned down at 9.45 p.m.
The British Army conducted an immediate inquiry and the soldier involved was brought before his commanding officer.
The officer began: ‘Why did you shoot that man at 9.45 when the curfew did not begin until ten?’
‘I know where he lives,’ replied the soldier. ‘He’d never have made it.’
1543
Why is being in the military like a blow job? – The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
1544
Fifteen years after retiring, a US general bumped into his old orderly in a Dallas bar. For old times’ sake, the general offered him a job as his valet. ‘Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,’ he said. ‘Nothing to it – you’ll soon catch on.’
So on his first morning, just as he had done in Vietnam, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, and gave the general a gentle shake. He then strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on the bottom and said: ‘OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.’
1545
Why did the army private tattoo sergeant’s stripes on his cock? – He loved to pull rank.
1546
A US Army platoon was conducting manoeuvres in the Florida swamps. With the men running low on water, the sergeant ordered a private to go down to the lake and fill up their canteens.
‘But I saw an alligator in that lake,’ protested the private. ‘Real close to the edge.’
‘Don’t be such a lily-livered coward,’ raged the sergeant. ‘That alligator is ten times as frightened of you as you are of it.’
‘Maybe,’ said the private. ‘But even if he’s only twice as frightened as me, that water still won’t be fit to drink!’
1547
Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? – She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
1548
Airman Harvey was assigned to the induction centre where his job was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI Insurance. It soon came to the attention of his commanding officer that Harvey was achieving almost a 100 per cent record for insurance sales, something that had never been done before.
Curious to learn the secret of Harvey’s success, the commanding officer sat at the back of the room and listened to the airman’s sales pitch. After explaining the basics of the GI Insurance, Harvey went on: If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI Insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6,000.
‘So,’ he concluded, ‘which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first . . .?’
1549
Why did so many black GIs get killed in Vietnam? – Because every time the sergeant shouted, ‘Get down!’ they stood up and started dancing.
1550
Reviewing his regiment, the colonel could not help noticing that one of the soldiers had a huge erection. ‘Give this man thirty days’ compassionate home leave,’ he told the sergeant major.
A few months later, the same man was again sporting a huge erection on the parade ground. ‘Sergeant major!’ said the colonel. ‘Give this man another t
hirty days’ compassionate home leave.’
Two months later, exactly the same thing happened. This time the colonel was angry. ‘Sergeant major, haven’t we given this man two periods of compassionate home leave?’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 40