The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 41
‘Yes, sir,’ replied the sergeant major.
‘Then what’s the problem?’ demanded the colonel. ‘Why has he got that huge erection again?’
The sergeant major whispered: ‘I think it’s you he’s fond of, sir.’
MISERS
1551
Olaf and Helga lived on the edge of a lake in Canada. It was near the end of winter, and spring was just beginning. One day Olaf asked Helga whether she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco.
‘Sure, but I’ll need some money,’ said Helga.
Olaf thought for a moment and said: ‘No, with the weather warming up, I don’t know how thick the ice is. So just tell them to put it on my tab.’
1552
One summer day, a city dog was taken to a vet in Maine following an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prising, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its lady owner.
‘How much do I owe you?’ she asked.
‘Forty dollars,’ replied the vet.
‘Forty dollars? That’s outrageous!’ she cried. ‘That’s the trouble with you Maine people – you’re always trying to overcharge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter when we’re not being conned?’
The vet replied: ‘Raise porcupines, ma’am.’
1553
A man took a huge jar of urine to a clinic and paid to have it tested. When the results came back, he was relieved to learn that it had been given the all clear. He got on the phone and said: ‘It’s me, Jim. Tell your Auntie Jane that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, her, me. Uncle Michael, Grandma, or the dog.’
MISSISSIPPI
1554
A country boy from Mississippi was walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbour saw him and asked him what he was carrying.
‘It’s chicken wire, and I’m going to catch me some chickens.’
His neighbour said: ‘You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!’ But later that day he spotted the guy walking down the street dragging a dozen chickens.
The next morning he saw the country boy with some duct tape under his arm.
‘What’s that you’re carrying?’ asked the neighbour.
‘It’s duct tape. I’m going to catch me some ducks.’
‘You fool,’ said the neighbour, ‘you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.’ But later that day he saw the guy walking down the street dragging a dozen ducks.
The next day the neighbour saw the country boy walking with something else under his arm.
‘What are you carrying today?’ asked the neighbour.
‘Pussy willow,’ said the country boy.
The neighbour said: ‘Hold on, let me get my hat.’
1555
The old Mississippi farmer was having a miserable year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well, but he figured the only way he was going to make ends meet was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the customer.
So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed into town. Eyeing a likely house, he took a basket of peaches from the truck and knocked on the front door. It was answered by a glamorous blonde wearing a slinky robe.
‘Hi, honey,’ she said sexily. ‘What can I do for you?’
The old farmer gulped: ‘I have these really nice peaches for sale.’
Noticing how rattled the farmer was, the woman decided to tease him and opened the top of her robe to reveal her breasts. ‘Are those peaches full and firm like these?’ she purred.
‘Yes,’ he stammered, sweating profusely. ‘They’re really good peaches.’
Then she opened the rest of her robe – wide enough to show that she wasn’t wearing any panties. ‘Would they be succulent and delicious like this?’ she said, licking her lips seductively.
The old farmer nearly had a coronary. ‘Oh, yes, they’re wonderful peaches,’ he sobbed.
‘Honey, why are you crying?’ she asked.
The farmer whimpered: ‘Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton, and now I think you’re going to fuck me out of my peaches.’
1556
Two fine southern ladies from Mississippi were sitting on the front porch, sipping iced tea. One of the women held out her hand ostentatiously for the other to see, and in her long southern drawl said: ‘Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn’t it nice?’
The other woman replied: ‘Oh, that’s nice, that’s real nice.’
The first woman went on: ‘And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises.’
The second woman again replied: ‘Oh, that’s nice, that’s real nice.’
‘Well, sweetheart,’ said the first, ‘doesn’t your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?’
‘When we first got married, he did send me to etiquette school.’
‘Why did he do that?’
‘Well, you see,’ said the second woman, ‘before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said, “Who gives a shit?” But now I say, “That’s nice, that’s real nice.”’
MONEY
1557
A little boy went up to his dad and asked: ‘Dad, what’s the difference between potentially and realistically?’
His father replied: ‘Well, son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Finally ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.’
So the boy went up to his mom and asked her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. ‘My God, of course I would,’ she said. ‘He is good looking.’
Then the boy asked his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. ‘Are you kidding?’ she said. ‘Of course I would. He is so gorgeous.’
Finally the boy asked his brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. I sure would,’ replied the brother. ‘Who wouldn’t for a million bucks?’
So the boy went back to his dad and said: ‘I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically.’
‘So what’s the difference?’ asked the father.
‘Well, potentially we’re sitting on three million dollars: realistically we’re living with two sluts and a fag!’
1558
Following a shipwreck, there were only two survivors: the boat’s owner, Dr Roberts, and the steward, Oliver. The steward was terrified that they would never be found, but the owner remained perfectly calm.
‘How can you be so calm?’ asked Oliver. ‘We’re going to die on this lonely island. We’ll never be discovered here.’
‘Listen,’ said Dr Roberts confidently. ‘Five years ago I gave the United Way $600,000 and I donated another $750,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. Four years ago, I donated the same amounts, and three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $1,000,000 to each. Last year, business was good again, so the two charities received $1,500,000 apiece.’
‘And how does that help us?’ asked Oliver.
‘Well,’ said Dr Roberts, ‘it’s time for their annual fund drives. They’ll find me.’
1559
What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock? – You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
1560
A pretty young woman was examining the material in a curtain shop. ‘How much does it cost?’ she asked the young male clerk.
He smiled at her and said: ‘One kiss per metre.’
‘Fine,’ she said. In that case, I’ll take twelve metres.’
As he handed her the fabric and moved in for the kill, she pointed to a little old lady sitting in the corner and said: ‘Grandma’s paying the bill.’
1561
A guy went into a
sex shop to return the blow-up doll he had bought the previous day. He told the storeowner: ‘I blew this doll up last night, and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back.’
‘Hell,’ said the storeowner, ‘if I’d known she was going to do that, I’d have charged you $75!’
1562
For his birthday a little boy asked for a ten-speed bicycle. His dad said: ‘Son, we’d let you have one, but the mortgage on this house is $140,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.’
The next morning the father saw the boy heading out of the front door with a suitcase.
‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
The boy answered: ‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $140,000 mortgage and no bike!’
His and her Drive-Through ATM Machines:
1563
His
1.
Pull up to ATM.
2.
Insert card.
3.
Enter PIN and account.
4.
Take cash, card and receipt.
5.
Drive away.
1564
Hers
1.
Pull up to ATM.
2.
Back up and pull forward to get closer.
3.
Shut off engine.
4.
Put keys in purse.
5.
Get out of car because you’re too far from the machine.
6.
Hunt in purse for card.
7.
Insert card.
8.
Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9.
Enter PIN.
10.
Study instructions.
11.
Hit ‘cancel’
12.
Reinsert card and re-enter correct PIN.
13.
Check balance.
14.
Look for envelope.
15.
Look in purse for pen.
16.
Make cash withdrawal.
17.
Get in car.
18.
Check makeup.
19.
Look for keys.
20.
Start car.
21.
Check makeup.
22.
Start pulling away.
23.
Stop.
24.
Back up to machine.
25.
Get out of car.
26.
Take card and receipt.
27.
Get back in car.
28.
Put card in wallet.
29.
Put receipt in cheque book.
30.
Enter withdrawal in cheque book.
31.
Clear area in purse for wallet and cheque book.
32.
Check makeup.
33.
Put car in reverse.
34.
Put car in first gear.
35.
Drive away from machine.
36.
Drive three miles.
37.
Release handbrake.
MUSIC
1565
A classical guitarist was hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he was paid handsomely and promised by the director that he would be notified when the movie was released. Three months later he was told that the movie would be making its debut at a porno house in Times Square. Although the venue was not exactly what he had been hoping for, he was determined to attend but decided to wear a raincoat and dark glasses just in case anyone recognized him. Unaccustomed as he was to porno theatres, he sat in the back row next to an elderly couple.
The movie was grossly explicit. There were scenes of oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism, and near the end a dog had intercourse with the film’s leading lady. The guitarist, who was hugely embarrassed by the whole thing, turned to the elderly couple and explained: ‘I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music.’
To which the elderly woman whispered in reply: ‘We just came to see our dog.’
1566
What’s brown and sits on a piano bench? – Beethoven’s First Movement.
1567
What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? – The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
1568
Why is a conductor like a condom? – It’s safer with one, but more fun without.
1569
Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? – Because it can keep a steady beat and won’t sleep with your girlfriend.
1570
What did the drummer get on his IQ test? – Drool.
1571
How do you ge two piccolos to play in unison? – Shoot one.
1572
What’s the difference between a trombone player lying in the road and a dead squirrel lying in the road? – The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
1573
What do cellists and Mike Tyson have in common? – They’re both hard on the ears.
1574
A guy was playing the piano at a party and one of the guests enjoyed a particular tune so much that he asked the pianist for the title.
The pianist replied: ‘It’s called “I Shag My Wife Up The Ass And Come All Over Her Tits.”’
The guest was shocked. ‘That’s a bit crude,’ he said, ‘but nevertheless I like your playing and I’d like to you perform at my party next month. However, perhaps you could tone down some of the titles to avoid offending too many people.’
The pianist agreed, and turned up as arranged. However, his piano playing was so bad that the host felt compelled to have a word with him.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the pianist, ‘but I really need a wank. I can’t play properly until I’ve had one.’
‘All right,’ said the host. ‘Go into the bathroom – there are some magazines in there that will help.’
A few minutes later the pianist emerged from the bathroom and began playing beautifully. Then a woman came up to him and said: ‘Excuse me, but do you know your cock’s hanging out and you’ve got spunk all over your pants?’
‘Know it?’ he said. ‘I wrote it!’
1575
What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? – The jewellery.
1576
What do you see if you look up a soprano’s skirt? – A tenor.
1577
What’s the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? – The performance causes greater suffering.
1578
Why do high school choruses travel so far? – To keep assassins guessing.
1579
A guy went to the doctor and said. ‘I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.’
The doctor prescribed him a mild laxative and said: ‘If it doesn’t work, let me know.’
A week later, the guy was back to report: ‘There still hasn’t been any movement.’
So the doctor prescribed him a much stronger laxative, but this too failed to produce the desired effect. ‘Oh, dear,’ said the doctor, concerned. ‘I think we’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. Tell me, what do you do for a living?’
‘I’m a musician,’ replied the patient.
‘Well, that’s it!’ exclaimed the doctor. ‘Here’s $10. Go get something to eat!’
NATIVE AMERICANS
1580
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. Just then an Indian came riding by on horseback and offered her a lift to the nearest town. So she cl
imbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The journey was uneventful except that every few minutes, for no apparent reason, the Indian let out a loud whoop.
When they reached town, the Indian dropped her off at the service station. As she climbed down, he whooped again and rode off.
The service station clerk said: ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’