The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  As they were driving home, one of the Newfies turned to the other and said: ‘Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us 2,000 bucks?’

  ‘Wow!’ said his friend. ‘Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!’

  1612

  Talking about his ancestors, a Newfie said to his friend: ‘My uncle fell off a scaffolding and was killed.’

  ‘What was he doing up on the scaffolding?’

  ‘Getting hanged.’

  1613

  A Torontonian, an American and a Newfie were all facing execution. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, each could choose the method by which he would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair, or hanging.

  The Torontonian was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair, the switch was pulled, but nothing happened. The executioner said that if it happened a second time, the prisoner could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they let the Torontonian go.

  The American was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged, so he, too, chose the electric chair. Once again the chair didn’t work, and the American was set free.

  Next it was the Newfie’s turn to choose how he was going to be executed. The Newfie said: ‘Well, I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work, so you’re going to have to hang me.’

  1614

  A two-seater private plane crashed into a large cemetery near St John’s. The Newfoundland Fire Department have recovered 300 bodies and are still digging.

  1615

  A Newfie got a job as a keeper at the Bronx Zoo, but on his second morning the head keeper summoned him.

  ‘You idiot!’ screamed the head keeper. ‘You left the door to the lions’ cage open all night.’ ‘What’s the problem?’ said the Newfie, puzzled. ‘Who’s going to steal a lion?’

  1616

  Did you hear about the Newfie who went ice fishing? – He caught sixty pounds of ice, and his wife drowned trying to cook it.

  1617

  How many Newfies does it take to go ice fishing? – Four. One to cut a hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.

  1618

  How many Newfies does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie? – Two: one to hold the cookie and one to squeeze the rabbit.

  1619

  Walking along the harbour wall, two struggling Newfie fishermen – Karl and Henrik – saw another boat loaded with fish. So they asked its captain what his secret was.

  The captain confided: ‘Go out to sea until the water gets fresh. Then stop there and drop your line.’

  So the pair headed out to sea. A mile out, Karl said to Henrik. ‘Fill up the bucket and taste the water.’

  ‘It still tastes salty,’ said Henrik. So they carried on.

  Two miles out to sea, Karl turned to Henrik again and said: ‘Taste the water, my friend.’

  ‘It’s still salty,’ reported Henrik. So they pressed on.

  Three miles out to sea, Karl said to Henrik: ‘Taste the water, old chum.’

  ‘It’s still salty,’ said Henrik. So they headed further out to sea.

  This continued for the next seven hours. Every mile or so, Karl would ask Henrik to taste the water, and each time Henrik would tell him that it was still salty. By now it was dark and the two Newfies were despairing of ever finding fresh water. Karl was ready to turn back but before doing so, he said to Henrik: ‘Taste the water one more time.’

  Henrik replied: ‘I can’t. There’s no more water left in the bucket . . .’

  1620

  Two Newfie farmers were talking. The first said: ‘I’ve got a mule that has the fits. What did you do for your mule when he had the fits?’

  The second replied: ‘I gave him a mixture of turpentine and kerosene.’

  A week later, the two men met again. The first farmer said: ‘I gave the mule that mixture and it killed him!’

  The second said: ‘Yeah, it killed mine, too.’

  1621

  A Delta Air Lines plane was flying over Arizona on a clear day. The co-pilot was giving the commentary. ‘Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction. It was formed thousands of years ago when a lump of nickel and iron struck Earth at about 40,000 mph. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570ft deep.’

  A Newfie passenger turned to his wife and said: ‘Wow! It just missed the highway!’

  1622

  A Newfie saw a sign that read: ‘Press bell for night watchman.’ He did so, and thirty seconds later he heard the elderly watchman clomping slowly down the stairs. The watchman took out his set of keys and laboriously opened three locks on the first gate. Next he undid two bolts, a chain and another lock on the second gate. Then he pressed ten numbers to switch off the alarm system. Finally he emerged through a set of revolving doors.

  ‘Well?’ he said. ‘What do you want?’

  The Newfie replied: ‘I just wanted to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself.’

  1623

  Three Newfies – Fred, Karl and Jim – were out fishing when Fred lost his balance and fell out of the boat into the sea.

  ‘What should we do?’ asked Karl in a panic.

  ‘You’d better jump in after him,’ said Jim. ‘It looks like he’s in trouble. That water’s ice cold, and he won’t survive in there for long!’

  So Karl dived in and, a couple of minutes later, with the help of Jim, managed to drag Fred back into the boat.

  ‘It doesn’t look like he’s breathing,’ said Jim. ‘Give him mouth to mouth.’

  So Karl positioned his mouth over Fred’s and began blowing. ‘Yuk!’ exclaimed Karl. ‘I don’t remember Fred having such bad breath!’

  ‘Come to think of it,’ added Jim, ‘I don’t think Fred was wearing a rotting snowmobile suit, either . . .’

  1624

  Erik and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report on the radio. The report warned: ‘There will be three to five inches of snow in Newfoundland today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.’

  Erik said: ‘Jeez, OK,’ and got up from his coffee.

  The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The local weather forecast was: ‘There will be up to four inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.’

  Erik said: ‘Jeez, OK,’ and got up from his coffee.

  Two days later, they were once again sitting down with their morning cups of coffee when the weather forecast said: ‘There will be between six and eight inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

  You must park your cars on the . . .’ But then there was a power outage and

  Erik didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

  He turned to his wife and said: ‘Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?’

  Lena replied: ‘Oh, Erik, just leave the car in the garage today.’

  1625

  A gang of Newfie criminals targeted a bank to rob in the dead of night. Once inside the building, they quickly disabled the internal alarm system and got down to work. The robbers were expecting one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, but were pleasantly surprised to find instead hundreds of smaller safes scattered around the bank. The first safe’s combination was cracked, but inside the robbers found only vanilla pudding. ‘Never mind,’ they thought, ‘at least there’s something for us to eat while we open all the other safes.’

  The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and it was the same with every other safe in the building. There was not a dollar, not a diamond, not an ounce of gold to be found. Every safe contained little pots of vanilla pudding. Disappointed, the gang eventually exited quietly, leaving with nothing more than queas
y, full stomachs.

  The following morning a St John’s newspaper headline read: ‘Newfoundland’s Largest Sperm Bank Robbed.’

  NEW YORK

  1626

  A high-powered New York salesman was out in the country on business when his car broke down. With darkness closing in, he went to a nearby farm and asked the farmer whether he could stay for the night. The farmer found a room for him, but in the middle of the night the New Yorker became so thirsty that he decided to go to the barn and milk a cow. Soon the farmer heard noises and went to investigate. He saw the New Yorker coming from the barn, soaking wet with white liquid dripping down his face.

  ‘What happened?’ asked the farmer.

  The New Yorker replied: ‘I got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there, I don’t know how I did it. But I’m telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drunk a gallon of it!’

  The farmer said: ‘But we don’t have a cow. We just have a bull.’

  1627

  A middle-aged Boston woman was looking forward to a business trip to New York, simply so she could pick up young men. So on her first night in the Big Apple, she put on her shortest skirt and highest heels and headed for the action.

  She soon spotted a couple of likely lads hanging out on a street corner, and went over and asked them for a cigarette. After flirting openly with them, she said: ‘Come on then, show me what New York boys do best.’

  So they beat her up and stole her purse.

  1628

  What’s the difference between Batman and a New Yorker? – Batman can go out without Robin.

  1629

  An English tourist visiting New York City stopped a passer-by and asked: ‘Excuse me, can you tell me where the Empire State Building is, or should I go fuck myself again?’

  1630

  A tourist was visiting New York City when his car broke down. He jumped out and began fiddling under the hood, but two minutes later he heard a noise and looked around to see someone taking stuff out of the car’s trunk.

  ‘Hey, buddy,’ yelled the tourist. ‘This is my car!’

  ‘OK,’ said the New Yorker. ‘You take the front and I’ll take the back.’

  1631

  What’s the basic plot for a romance novel set in Harlem? – In the end the hero gets the heroin.

  1632

  A guy was tending the bar at a posh New York City party when two snooty women approached.

  ‘So where y’all from?’ he asked.

  One replied haughtily: ‘We are from somewhere where people do not end their sentences with prepositions.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘So where y’all from, bitch?’

  1633

  A New York businessman was walking near a Harlem shopping mall when he spotted a little boy sitting in the gutter, crying. The boy was clutching a $100 bill in his hand. Seeing the child in such obvious distress, the guy bent down and asked him what was upsetting him.

  Through the tears, the boy revealed that he came from a large family and that his father had died when he was just five. His mother was poorly educated and had to take two full-time jobs just to feed the family. Although they never got birthday presents, she had managed to skimp and save $200 to buy the kids something for Christmas. The young boy had been dropped off by his mom on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy Christmas presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to get the bus home. But he hadn’t even entered the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and vanished into the night.

  ‘Why didn’t you scream for help?’ asked the businessman.

  ‘I did,’ replied the boy softly.

  ‘And nobody came to help you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘How loud did you scream?’

  The boy shook his head, looked up and whispered meekly: ‘Please help me.’

  The New Yorker realised that absolutely nobody could have heard that poor boy cry for help … So he grabbed the other $100 and ran to his car.

  NUDITY

  1634

  A young bride’s mother had some old-fashioned views on marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

  ‘Never let your husband see you in the nude,’ she urged. ‘You should always wear something.’

  ‘Yes, Mother,’ replied the girl obediently.

  Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her husband were about to retire to bed when he asked: ‘Honey, has there ever been any insanity in your family?’

  ‘Not that I know of,’ she said. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘Well, we’ve been married for two weeks now, and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed!’

  1635

  Even though he wasn’t on a nudist beach, a man decided to go completely naked. He chose a secluded spot but, just in case anyone happened to pass by, he covered his privates with a newspaper.

  After a few minutes, a little girl came along and asked: ‘What’s under the newspaper?’

  The man replied: ‘It’s a birdy, and you must never ever touch it.’

  Soon, lulled by the gentle sea breeze and the warm sun, he fell asleep. He woke up two hours later in hospital with a feeling of intense pain around his genital area. The doctors asked what had happened, and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

  The police duly arrived at the girl’s house to ask her what she had done. She said: ‘Well, I was playing with the birdy when it spat this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke its neck, trod on its eggs, and burned its nest.’

  1636

  A male census taker rang the doorbell and was surprised when a naked woman answered the door.

  ‘Don’t be alarmed,’ she said. ‘I’m a nudist.’

  Although embarrassed, he proceeded to ask the routine questions.

  ‘How many children do you have?’ he asked.

  ‘Nineteen,’ she replied.

  ‘Nineteen?’ he said. ‘Lady, you’re not a nudist – you just don’t have time to get dressed!’

  1637

  Reasons For Going To Work Naked:

  Your boss is always shouting, ‘I wanna see your butt in here by eight o’clock.’

  No one steals your chair.

  It diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

  People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

  It gives the term ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.

  You can say, ‘I’d love to chip in, but I’ve left my wallet in my pants.’

  It stops those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

  You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to top up your tan.

  You want to see if it’s like it is in the dream.

  1638

  A young married couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The husband quickly covered her with his jacket, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and headed for the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. Instead he suggested that the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The husband agreed, but was so nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion.

  Then the doctor said: ‘If neither of you objects, I could give it a try.’

  Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slapped on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out.

  ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ demanded the husband eventually.

  ‘Change of plan,’ gasped the doctor. ‘I’m going to drown the little bastard!’

  1639

  A man was made police chief in a nudist colony. He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!

  1640

  A New York businessman joined an exclusive nudist colony in th
e country. As he was exploring the site, he spotted a pretty blonde and immediately got an erection.

  The blonde smiled at him: ‘Did you call for me?’

  ‘Sorry . . .?’ said the man, puzzled.

  ‘It’s a rule here,’ she explained. ‘If you get an erection, it means you’ve called for me.’

  And with that, she led him behind a bush and they had fantastic sex.