The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  1792

  A driver was speeding along the road when he came to a bridge. A cop with a radar gun was sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulled him over.

  ‘Do you know what speed you were doing?’ asked the officer menacingly.

  ‘Look, I know I was probably a little over the limit, but there’s a good reason for it: ‘I’m in a real hurry.’

  ‘What’s so urgent?’ asked the cop.

  ‘I’m late for work.’

  ‘Oh, yeah? And what line of work are you in that is so important?’

  ‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ said the guy.

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A rectum stretcher. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers. Eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it till it’s about six foot wide.’

  ‘What do you do with a six-foot asshole?’

  The guy said: ‘You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge . . .’

  1793

  There was once a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, ‘It could have been worse’ after viewing the scene of a crime. It drove his two deputies crazy.

  One day, the two deputies answered an emergency call at a remote farmhouse. When they got there, they found the naked bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. Both had been shot dead. And in the living room was the body of a man with a gun at his side.

  ‘No doubt about it,’ said the first deputy. ‘This was a double murder and suicide. The guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.’

  The second deputy agreed. ‘Yeah, it certainly looks like a double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he’ll say, “It could have been worse”, just like he always does!’

  ‘No way,’ said the first deputy. ‘How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot dead. Even the sheriff won’t say that this could have been worse. So, yeah, you’re on.’

  A couple of minutes later, the sheriff arrived. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two naked bodies lying in the bed. Then he walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. ‘No doubt about it,’ said the sheriff, shaking his head, ‘it was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. But, you know, it could have been worse.’

  The first deputy, angry at having lost the bet, screamed: ‘Sheriff, how could it possibly have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse!’

  ‘Yes, it could,’ said the sheriff. ‘You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me there in that bed!’

  1794

  A young woman phoned the police late one night and reported a sex maniac in her apartment.

  ‘We’ll be right over,’ said the officer.

  ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Can you wait till morning?’

  1795

  A car containing three guys was driving erratically on the highway. A cop pulled it over. ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to give you a ticket, so I’ll make a deal with you: ‘If your three dicks add up to twenty-one inches, I’ll let you off.’

  The first guy whipped out his, and it measured ten inches. The second guy also had a ten-inch dick. ‘OK,’ said the cop. ‘You just need another inch.’

  The third guy produced his, and it was exactly one inch long. ‘Fair enough,’ said the cop. ‘A deal’s a deal, I’ll let you go.’

  Later the two ten-inch guys looked at the third guy and said, surprised: ‘One inch?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, I had a boner.’

  1796

  Two police officers, Colin and Jessica, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out on patrol a short while when Jessica said: ‘Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.’

  Colin replied: ‘We don’t have to go back. Just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff and he will go fetch them for you.’

  It was a hot day and Jessica didn’t feel like going back to the station, so she cautiously lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose quickly shot between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog’s ears pricked up, he sniffed the wind, and raced off towards the station house.

  Five minutes went by and there was no sign of Fido. Ten minutes passed, and the dog was still nowhere to be seen. After fifteen minutes, they were starting to worry. Finally after twenty minutes, they heard sirens in the distance. The sirens got louder and louder. Suddenly, pursued by a dozen police cars, Fido rounded the corner. . . with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.

  POLISH JOKES

  1797

  An Irishman, an Italian and a Pole were sitting in a New York bar, enjoying a drink together.

  The Irishman said: ‘This is a great place, but where I originally come from, there’s an even better bar than this – McCluskey’s in Dublin. You buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McCluskey himself buys you the third drink!’

  The others agreed that it sounded a great bar, but then the Italian said: ‘In Rome, there’s a bar called Luigi’s. You buy a drink, Luigi buys you a drink, you buy another drink, and Luigi buys you another drink!’

  The others agreed that it sounded a fabulous bar, but then the Pole said: ‘Where I come from in Warsaw, there’s this place called Warzywicki’s. They buy you your first drink, your second drink and your third drink. Then they get you a date who is guaranteed to be easy!’

  ‘Wow!’ said the others. ‘That’s fantastic. Did that actually happen to you?’

  ‘No,’ said the Pole, ‘but it happened to my sister.’

  1798

  Two Poles were remembering how they had first learned to swim. One said: ‘My father taught me to swim the hard way – he threw me into the middle of a lake.’

  ‘That must have been tough,’ said the other.

  ‘It was, but the really hard part was getting out of the sack!’

  1799

  A Polish guy living in New York took his car to a repair shop in the hope that the service manager could cure the strange noise the vehicle kept making when cornering. The job was passed on to a mechanic with a repair order that read: ‘Check for clunking sound when going around corners.’

  The mechanic took the car on a test drive and, sure enough, whenever he turned a corner, there was a clunking sound. Finally he found the root of the problem and returned the repair order to the service manager with a note that read: ‘Removed bowling ball from trunk.’

  1800

  How did the Germans conquer Poland so quickly? – They marched in backwards and the Poles thought they were leaving.

  1801

  When a mine collapsed near Pittsburgh, one of the lucky survivors was an engineer. Recovering from his ordeal he went to a local bar. The bar was almost deserted until another man walked in a few minutes later.

  ‘Hey, bartender,’ said the engineer, ‘another whiskey for me, and one for my friend here.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said the bartender, ‘but that guy’s a Polack, and we don’t serve Polacks here.’

  ‘Well, you should,’ said the engineer, ‘because if it weren’t for him, I’d be dead. When the mine collapsed, he and I were both down there, and in the mad rush to escape, he held up the roof of the mine with his head to prevent it caving in on us. If you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head. You’ll see it’s flat from holding the roof up. Now get the guy a whiskey – he saved my life.’

  The bartender served the Pole, then called the engineer to one side and whispered: ‘I saw the flat spot on his head you were talking about, but I also noticed extensive bruising under his chin. What’s caused that?’

  The engineer replied: ‘Oh, that’s where we put the jack.’

/>   1802

  At a cockfight, how can you identify the Polish guy?

  He’s the one with the duck.

  How do you know if an Italian is there?

  He bets on the duck.

  How do you know if the Mafia is there?

  The duck wins.

  1803

  The pilot of a Polish Airlines 747 was briefing his co-pilot on the landing procedures at their next destination.

  ‘This is a short runway,’ he said, ‘and I’ll need all your help on the flaps, thrust reversers and brakes for this one.’

  ‘Roger that,’ said the co-pilot, let’s go.’

  As they approached the airfield, the co-pilot commented: ‘Wow, that’s the shortest field I’ve ever seen.’

  The pilot called for half-flaps.

  ‘You have half-flaps,’ confirmed the co-pilot.

  As they got closer, the pilot said: ‘Better give me three-quarter flaps.’

  ‘Roger, you have three-quarter flaps,’ said the co-pilot.

  ‘Damn,’ shouted the pilot, ‘this looks even shorter than I remember. Give me full-flaps and stand by on the brakes and thrust reversers!’

  ‘You have full-flaps and standing by,’ said the co-pilot.

  As the wheels touched down on the runway, the pilot immediately called for full braking and full thrust reversers. The co-pilot complied, and as the plane came to a shuddering halt inches from the end of the runway, the pilot, wiping sweat from his brow, exclaimed: ‘Holy mother of God, that’s the shortest runway I’ve ever seen in my life!’

  ‘Yeah,’ said the co-pilot, looking out both windows, ‘but the son-of-a-bitch sure is wide!’

  1804

  Why do so many Polish names end in ‘ski’? – Because they can’t spell ‘toboggan’.

  1805

  A Polish jeweller was working quietly in his shop when the peace was suddenly shattered by an elephant smashing the front window. Before the jeweller could react, the elephant had used his trunk to help himself to valuable watches, rings and necklaces.

  The jeweller called the police, and the officer asked for a description of the culprit.

  ‘It was some sort of animal,’ said the jeweller. ‘I’m not sure whether it was an elephant, a rhinoceros or a bear – but it was big.’

  ‘Well,’ said the policeman, ‘it’s not difficult to tell them apart. An elephant has big ears and a trunk, a rhinoceros has a horn, and a bear is covered in fur.’

  ‘That’s all very well,’ said the jeweller, ‘but, to tell the truth, I didn’t get a good look at him. He had a stocking over his head.’

  1806

  A Polish guy was strolling along a beach in the South of France. There were many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he was desperate to meet one. But, try as he might, the women never seemed interested. As a last resort, he went over to a Frenchman who was lying on the beach, surrounded by gorgeous women.

  ‘Excuse me,’ he said, taking the Frenchman to one side, ‘but I’ve been trying to meet one of those women for the past two hours, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere with them. You’re French, you know these women. What do they want?’

  ‘Maybe I can help a leetle beet,’ said the Frenchman. ‘What you do ees you go to ze store. You buy a pair of tight sweeming trunks. You walk up and down ze beach. You meet girl very queekly zees way.’

  Thanks,’ said the Polish guy, and he went off and bought a pair of tight red swimming trunks. He put them on, went back to the beach, paraded up and down for half an hour, but still had no luck with the ladies.

  So he went back to the Frenchman. ‘I’m sorry to bother you again, but I went to the store, I bought the tight swimming shorts, but I still haven’t been able to meet a girl.’

  ‘OK,’ said the Frenchman, I tell you what you do. You go to ze store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming trunks and walk up and down ze beach. You will meet girl very queekly zees way.’

  Thanks,’ said the Pole, and he ran off to the store. He bought the potato, put it down his tight swimming trunks, and strolled up and down the beach. But he still didn’t receive even one admiring glance. After half an hour of this, he couldn’t stand it any more and went back to the Frenchman.

  Look,’ said the Pole, I got the trunks, I put the potato in them, and I walked up and down the beach – and still nothing! What more can I do?’

  ‘Well,’ said the Frenchman, ‘maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don’t you try moving ze potato to the front of ze sweeming trunks?’

  1807

  Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read BEAR LEFT, so they went home.

  1808

  A Polish guy walked into a bar to be greeted by his mates. ‘Hi, Stan,’ they laughed. ‘You put on a great show with your missus last night. You left the light on in your bedroom and we could see everything that was going on projected on your curtains.’

  ‘Sorry, lads,’ said Stan. ‘The joke’s on you. I wasn’t home last night.’

  1809

  An Italian, an American and a Polack were captured by the French for various crimes and taken to the guillotine. The executioner placed the Italian on the block and asked if he had any last words. The Italian replied: ‘I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live.’ The executioner dropped the blade, and it stopped just an inch above the Italian’s neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

  Next the American was put in position and asked if he had any final words. He replied: ‘In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy.’ The executioner dropped the blade, and again it stopped just an inch from the American’s neck. In disbelief, the French set him free.

  Then the Polak was placed on the block, and the executioner asked if he had any last words. The Polak said: ‘Yeah. You’ve got a knot in your rope.’

  1810

  A Polish man went to have his eyes tested. The optician showed him a wall chart and asked him whether he could read it.

  ‘Read it?’ he said. ‘I know him!’

  1811

  Two Poles were driving east across the United States. When they got to Texas, they saw a sign that read ‘Clean Restrooms Ahead’. So when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms!

  As they travelled further east, they found their progress slowed because there were so many ‘Clean Restrooms Ahead’ signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read ‘Wanted!!! Two Mexican males for rape!’

  The two Poles looked at each other and thought: ‘Damn! Those Mexicans get all the good jobs!’

  1812

  An American, a Canadian and a Pole went out for a night on the town. The American picked up a girl and took her back to his place. The Canadian picked up a girl and they went back to her place. The Pole picked up a girl and asked if she wanted to come back to his apartment.

  ‘I’d love to,’ she said, ‘but I’m on my menstrual cycle.’

  ‘That’s OK,’ said the Pole. ‘I came on my moped.’

  1813

  Did you hear about the Pole who sued the local baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun?

  1814

  Out shopping, a Polish guy saw a Thermos flask in a store window. He went in and asked the clerk: ‘What is the purpose of that flask?’

  The clerk replied: ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’

  So the Pole bought one and took it to work the next day. ‘Look at this,’ he said to his workmate. ‘It’s a Thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’

  ‘What have you got in it?’ asked his friend.

  ‘A cup of soup and a choc ice.’

  1815

  A Polish man had always dreamed of owning a sports car so, when he inherited a fortune, he immediately went out and bought a Porsche . . . even though he had hardly driven a car in his life. Excitedly, he took his new toy through the gear
s on a quiet highway but, when he hit top speed, there was suddenly an almighty bang and a cloud of smoke.

  He contacted the salesman and explained what had happened. The salesman was mystified, but, because the Pole was very rich, he agreed to swap the Porsche for a Ferrari.

  The Pole set off for another deserted strip of highway where he put the Ferrari through the gears, but no sooner had he reached 140 mph than there was a huge bang and a cloud of smoke. So he returned to the salesman and told him that the same thing that had happened with the Porsche had now happened with the Ferrari. The salesman was reluctant to exchange this car, too, but eventually agreed to let the Pole have a Lotus, but only on condition that he joined him on the test run.