So the Pole found a quiet stretch of road and began putting the Lotus through its paces. When he got into sixth gear, he kept accelerating, but then the car suddenly started to shake violently. There was a loud bang and a cloud of smoke.
‘What did you do?’ asked the bewildered salesman.
‘Well,’ explained the Pole, ‘I was going faster and faster, and I ran out of numbered gears. So I put it into “R” for “Race.”’
1816
Did you hear about the Polack who thought his wife was trying to kill him? – On her dressing table he found a bottle of Polish Remover.
1817
A Russian, an American and a Pole were talking about the space race.
‘We were the first in space,’ boasted the Russian.
‘So what?’ snorted the American. ‘We were first on the moon.’
‘Ah, yes,’ said the Pole, ‘but we will be the first on the sun.’
‘You can’t land on the sun,’ said the Russian. It’s too hot.’
‘We are not altogether stupid,’ explained the Pole. ‘We’re going at night.’
1818
A double-glazing salesman phoned an elderly Polish gentleman to chase up an unpaid bill. ‘A year ago,’ he said, ‘our company replaced all the windows in your house with our special weather-tight windows, and you still haven’t sent us a single payment.’
The Pole replied nervously: ‘But you said they’d pay for themselves in twelve months.’
1819
Two Indians and a Polish fellow were walking together in the Arizona desert when one of the Indians suddenly ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave: ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ Then he listened very carefully until he heard the answer: ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ At this, he tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Polish guy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what was going on. The Indian explained: ‘It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”, and get an answer back, it means that she is in there waiting for you.’
Just then, the Indian spotted another cave. Running up to the entrance, he hollered: ‘Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ When he heard the return ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’, he ripped off his clothes and went into the cave.
The Polish guy started frantically searching the desert for a cave of his own. Eventually he found a huge one at the top of a hill – bigger than either of the caves the Indians had gone in. Excitedly he rushed up to the entrance and hollered: ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ Straight away he heard the answering call loud and clear: ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ With a big smile on his face, and full of sexual anticipation, he ripped off his clothes and raced into the cave.
The next day’s newspaper headline read: NAKED POLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.
POLITICIANS
1820
After spending the night at a hotel with a call girl, a politician left $300 on the dressing table.
Thanks,’ she said, ‘but I only charge $50.’
‘You can’t make a living on that,’ he said.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I do a little blackmail on the side.’
1821
Two alligators – one big, one small – abandoned the Everglades in favour of living near the government buildings in Florida. The small one sighed: ‘I can’t understand why you’re so much bigger than me. After all, we’re the same age.’
The big one said: ‘What you been eatin’?’
‘Politicians, same as you.’
‘Where you bin catchin’ ‘em?’
‘Outside the State offices, same as you.’
‘How you bin catchin’ ‘em?’
‘I creep up on ‘em as they get into their car, grab ‘em by the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em.’
‘That’s where you’re goin’ wrong. You ain’t getting’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase!’
1822
How do you get twenty government cabinet ministers in a mini-van? – Promote one to Prime Minister and watch the other nineteen crawl up his ass.
1823
A cannibal was visiting a neighbouring cannibal island where ordinary people cost $5 a head, but politicians cost $25.
The visiting cannibal asked: ‘How come politicians cost so much?’
The chief said: ‘Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?’
THE POPE
1824
The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman in order to confirm that the treatment had been successful. He called all his cardinals together and explained the situation. They agreed that it was absolutely necessary but the Pope remained uneasy, eventually consenting to go ahead only after insisting on four conditions.
‘Firstly,’ said the Pope, ‘the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it’s the Holy Father and tell the whole world. Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn’t recognize the Holy Father’s voice and tell the whole world. Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world.’
At this point one of the cardinals stood up and said: ‘Leave it to me, your Holiness, I know just the woman for you.’
As the cardinal was about to leave, the Pope said: ‘Wait a minute. I told you there are four conditions.’ The Pope beckoned the cardinal over and whispered in his ear: ‘Big tits!’
1825
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? – Popeye nearly killed him.
1826
The Pope called his mother after being elected. ‘Hi, Mom, I have good news and bad news.’
‘What’s the good news?’ she asked.
‘I’ve just been elected Pope.’
‘What’s the bad news?’
‘I have to move into an Italian neighbourhood.’
1827
On a tour of the United States, the Pope agreed to grant absolution to three sinners.
First up was George W. Bush.
‘What is your sin?’ asked the Pope.
‘I have sent hundreds of young Americans to a needless death in Iraq.’
‘Kneel down,’ said the Pope. ‘I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.’
Next up was Bill Clinton.
‘What is your sin?’ asked the Pope.
‘I cheated on my wife.’
‘Kneel down, I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.’
When the third person appeared, the Pope asked: ‘What is your name?’
‘Monica Lewinsky.’
The Pope stroked his chin. ‘Hmm. Perhaps you should remain standing . . .’
1828
What’s black and white and tells the Pope to sod off? – A nun who’s just won the lottery.
1829
Colin bragged to his boss that he knew everyone in the world worth knowing, but his boss didn’t believe him.
‘OK,’ said Colin, ‘I’ll prove it. Jump into my car. We’re going to Michael Jordan’s house.’
Twenty minutes later, they pulled up outside a huge house and Colin knocked on the door. Michael Jordan answered. ‘Hi, Colin, how are ya?’ he beamed. And he invited Colin and his boss in for a drink.
When they left, Colin turned to his boss and said: ‘Now are you convinced that I know everyone?’
‘No,’ said the boss churlishly. ‘You probably paid Michael to pretend he knows you.’
So Colin got back in the car and headed for Jack Nicholson’s house. Jack answered the door and said: ‘Hi, Colin. Good to see ya again. How’re ya doin’?’ Colin introduced Jack to his boss and they chatted for over an hour.
When they left, Colin said to his boss: ‘Now do you believe me when I tell you I know everyone?’
The boss remained unconvinced. ‘You just got lucky. Jack’s a friendly guy.’
> So a week later, they flew to Rome. ‘If I can prove that I know the Pope, then will you believe me?’ asked Colin.
‘I guess so,’ conceded his boss.
Telling his boss to wait in St Peter’s Square, Colin said he was going up to talk to the Pope.
‘You’ll never get through security,’ laughed the boss.
‘You watch me,’ said Colin confidently.
And a few minutes later, the crowd cheered as the Pope appeared on the Vatican balcony . . . with Colin at his side. Suddenly the watching boss had a heart attack and a crowd gathered around him. Seeing the commotion, Colin ran back down to the square to find his boss propped up by paramedics.
‘What happened?’ asked Colin.
The boss gasped: ‘I was doing fine till you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the guy next to me said: “Who the hell’s that on the balcony with Colin?”’
PORNOGRAPHY
1830
Delivering a crusading speech against porn videos, a US mayoral candidate stormed: ‘I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I will ban such filth. Any questions?’
Half a dozen people shouted: ‘Where did you rent the tape?’
1831
How do you know when a male porn star is working at the gas station? – Right before the gas stops pumping, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
1832
Did you hear about the chain of sex shops that have introduced a line of inflatable dolls modelled on Palestinian women? – When you get them home, they blow themselves up.
1833
A blonde decided to add a little spice to her life by renting out an X-rated adult video. So she went to the video store and, after searching around for a while, selected a title that sounded suitably raunchy. Then she drove home, lit some candles, slipped into something comfortable, and put the tape in the VCR. However, to her dismay, there was nothing but static on the screen, so she called the video store to complain.
‘I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.’
‘Sorry about that,’ said the store clerk. ‘We’ve had problems with some tapes. Which title did you rent?’
The blonde said: ‘It’s called Head Cleaner.’
PREGNANCY
1834
A holiday rep went to the doctor and discovered she was pregnant.
‘When did you last have a check-up?’ asked the doctor.
‘I don’t remember,’ said the rep, ‘but I know the last one was a Spaniard.’
1835
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. ‘I want a baby more than anything,’ said the first, ‘but it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to happen.’
‘I used to feel the same way,’ said the second. ‘But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to have a baby in three months.’
‘You must tell me what you did,’ said the first.
‘I went to the faith healer in the mall,’ replied the second.
‘But I’ve tried that. My husband and I went to him for nearly a year and it didn’t help at all.’
The second woman smiled and whispered: ‘Try going alone next time.’
1836
After spending months searching for a suitable maid, a wealthy Washington couple finally found a girl who met their requirements. So they were bitterly disappointed when, just six weeks after taking the job, she announced that she would have to quit because she was pregnant.
The childless couple were desperate to keep her and made her an offer. ‘If we adopt your baby, will you stay?’
‘Well, yes,’ she replied.
So they adopted the girl’s baby, but a year later she again handed in her notice because she was pregnant. They still didn’t want to lose her, so again they offered to adopt her baby. And again she agreed to stay.
Twelve months later, she announced once more that she would have to leave her post because she was pregnant. Unable to contemplate life without their trusted maid, the couple offered to adopt this baby, too, if she would stay. The girl agreed.
Nine months later, the girl handed in her notice for a fourth time. ‘You’re not pregnant again?’ asked the couple.
‘No,’ replied the maid.
‘So why do you want to go?’
‘There are too many babies to look after.’
1837
A teenage girl confessed: ‘Mom, I’m pregnant.’
‘How?’ gasped her mother. ‘What did I tell you about sex?’
‘That I should take measures. Well, that’s what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest.’
1838
A man told the doctor: ‘My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it.’
The doctor said: ‘It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.’
‘What’s a grudge pregnancy?’ asked the man.
The doctor replied: ‘Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you.’
1839
The pre-natal class was full of pregnant women and their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was issuing sound advice for a healthy pregnancy.
‘Ladies,’ she announced, ‘exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.’
The room fell silent until a man raised his hand: ‘Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’
1840
What two things in the air will get a woman pregnant? – Her legs.
1841
A doctor was doing the rounds of a maternity ward. ‘And when is Mrs Black’s baby due?’ he asked.
‘March 12,’ replied the nurse.
‘Right,’ said the doctor. ‘And how about Mrs White? When is her baby due?’
‘She’s due on March 12 too,’ said the nurse.
‘Oh, and Mrs Brown?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’s also due on March 12,’ said the nurse.
‘And Mrs Green?’ said the doctor, raising his eyebrows. ‘Don’t tell me she’s due on March 12 as well?’
‘I don’t think so,’ said the nurse. ‘She didn’t go on the church picnic.’
1842
A recently married church minister informed his congregation that his wife was pregnant and asked for a pay rise that would give him a reasonable salary. After deliberation, the congregation agreed that the increase in family size warranted a pay rise.
However, after the minister’s wife gave birth to six children over the next six years – each one accompanied by a pay rise – the congregation called a meeting to complain that the cost had become prohibitive. The minister tried to defend his sizeable salary by declaring: ‘Having children is an act of God!’
‘Snow and rain are acts of God, too,’ said a man at the back of the room, ‘but most of us wear rubbers.’
1843
A young woman was so excited to learn she was pregnant that she had to tell her friends right away. It was nearly midnight when she got round to phoning the last one.
‘I can’t believe I have a person inside me!’ she shrieked.
‘So do I,’ said the friend. ‘Can I call you back in an hour?’
PREMATURE EJACULATION
1844
A guy was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor for advice. The doctor listened to his story and suggested: ‘When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.’
That afternoon the guy went out and bought a starting pistol. Rushing home early from work, he found his wife lying on the bed, naked and waiting. Before she could say a word, he jumped on her eagerly and soon they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later, he felt the sudden urge to eja
culate and fired the starting pistol.
The following day he went back to the doctor.
‘How did it go?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not that well,’ answered the guy. ‘When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air!’
1845
A man went to a psychiatrist and said: ‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 49