The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  The driver thought she was probably imagining it but, to keep her quiet, he promised to investigate it as soon as he could.

  Later that day, when the passengers were unloading at another stop, a second old lady whispered in the driver’s ear: ‘Sir, I think I have just been sexually harassed.’

  This time, the driver knew he had to do something. A few passengers had remained on the coach, so he decided to ask them whether they had seen or heard anything untoward. He found one little old man crawling along the floor of the coach underneath the seats.

  Bending down to question him, the driver said: ‘Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?’

  The old man looked up and said: ‘Well, sonny, sure you can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side.’

  1869

  What’s the similarity between a woman’s pubic hair and parsley? – You have to push it to one side before you start to eat.

  1870

  What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? – Cunt stubble.

  1871

  A little girl was licking a lollipop at the hairdresser’s and accidentally dropped it into a heap of cut hair lying on the floor.

  The hairdresser said: ‘Oh, have you got hair on your lollipop?’

  The girl said: ‘No, I’m only three.’

  1872

  When Terry walked into a bar for the first time in two months, his friends couldn’t help noticing that he had a radiant glow. His skin seemed particularly smooth; in fact he looked years younger.

  ‘Have you joined a fitness club?’ they asked.

  ‘No, I’ve got a new girlfriend.’

  ‘How does a new girlfriend give you such healthy-looking, smooth skin on your face?’

  Terry explained: ‘She’s got the hairiest pussy I’ve ever seen. She’s like a wire brush down there. So going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize my face at the same time!’

  1873

  A woman was towelling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few grey pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates: ‘I know you haven’t been getting much lately, but I didn’t know you were so worried about it.’

  1874

  What’s got 400 legs and no pubic hair? – The front row of a Hanson concert.

  1875

  A guy met a hooker on the street. He said: ‘Let’s go down this alley. I’ve got fifteen bucks.’

  ‘Fifteen bucks!’ she scoffed. ‘For fifteen bucks, all you can do is look at it.’

  Reluctantly he agreed.

  So they went down the alley, and she dropped her panties. He sank to his knees but it was so dark that he lit his lighter to get a better view of her pussy. ‘Gee,’ he said. ‘Your pubic hair . . . it’s so thick, so matted, so lustrous. It’s beautiful.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  ‘Can I ask you a personal question?’ he said.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Can you pee through all that hair?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Well, then, you’d better start, because you’re on fire!’

  PUERTO RICANS

  1876

  A muscular Puerto Rican was sitting in his favourite bar minding his own business when a little gay guy came in and sat next to him. The Puerto Rican glanced at the gay guy but carried on drinking his beer. Neither said anything to the other, but the gay guy kept throwing admiring looks in the direction of the Puerto Rican. Seven beers later, the gay guy finally summoned up the courage to say something to the Puerto Rican. Whispering in his ear, he asked the Puerto Rican if he would like a blow job.

  The Puerto Rican immediately jumped down from his stool and began pummelling the gay guy black and blue before dragging him outside and dumping him in the parking lot, barely clinging to life. The Puerto Rican then quietly returned to his bar stool as if nothing had happened. When he had finished his beer, he asked the bartender for another.

  The bartender said: ‘If you don’t mind me asking, what was all that about? I’ve never seen you so angry. What did that little guy say to you?’

  The Puerto Rican replied disgustedly: ‘He said something about a job.’

  1877

  Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? – Because spray paint wasn’t invented until 1949.

  1878

  How many Puerto Ricans does it take to grease a car? – Just one if you hit him right.

  1879

  How many people does it take to bury a Puerto Rican? – Five. One to lower the body, and four to lower the radio.

  1880

  How do you shoot a Puerto Rican in the head? – Aim for his radio.

  1881

  How do you starve a Puerto Rican to death? – Hide his food stamps under his work shoes.

  1882

  What’s the difference between a Puerto Rican and a park bench? – A park bench can support a family of four.

  1883

  How do you get twelve Puerto Ricans into a Volkswagen Beetle? – Throw in a welfare cheque.

  1884

  How do you get twelve Puerto Ricans out of a Volkswagen Beetle? – Throw in a job application.

  1885

  Two Puerto Ricans in a car without any music. Who’s driving? – The police.

  1886

  Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? – Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

  1887

  A prostitute had a price list – $10 to do it on grass, $20 to do it on the couch, $30 to do it in bed.

  One morning an American came in and gave her $10. She escorted him to the backyard and they did it on the grass.

  Later in the day a Canadian came in and gave her $20. She took him through to the living-room and they did it on the couch.

  In the evening a Puerto Rican came in and handed her $30.

  The prostitute said: ‘Man, you got class.’

  He said: ‘Class my ass, I want it three times on the grass.’

  1888

  How do you save a drowning Puerto Rican? – Throw him an anchor.

  1889

  What do you call a hitchhiking Puerto Rican? – Stranded.

  1890

  How do you get a Puerto Rican out of the bath? – Turn on the water.

  1891

  What’s the Puerto Rican national anthem? – ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’.

  1892

  Why are Puerto Ricans like sperm? – Thousands of them get in, but only one of them works.

  1893

  An American, a Mexican and a Puerto Rican were walking down the street when a genie suddenly appeared and granted each of them a wish.

  The Mexican wished that he and all other Mexicans could return to live happily in their homeland.

  The Puerto Rican wished that he and all other Puerto Ricans could return to live happily in their homeland.

  Finally it was the American’s turn. Before making his wish, he said to the genie: ‘Let me get this straight. I can wish for anything I want, and all the Mexicans and Puerto Ricans are already gone?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said the genie.

  ‘OK,’ said the American, ‘then I’ll have a Coke.’

  1894

  What do you get at a Puerto Rican garage sale? – Your stuff back.

  1895

  What runs faster than a Puerto Rican with a TV? – His brother with your VCR.

  1896

  What do you call an American surrounded by two hundred Puerto Ricans? – Warden.

  RABBIS

  1897

  A rabbi and a priest were walking down the street together when they fancied a drink. The only problem was, neither of them had any money. Standing outside a bar, the priest said: ‘Leave it to me. I know how we can get free drinks.’

  While the rabbi stood watching at the door, the priest walked into the bar and ordered a drink. After finishing it, he wa
s about to leave when the bartender gave him his tab.

  The priest said: ‘But, my son, I’ve already paid for the drink.’

  The bartender said: ‘I’m terribly sorry, Father, but it’s been really busy in here. I must have forgotten.’

  Then it was the rabbi’s turn. He walked in, ordered his drink and after finishing it, he was about to leave when the bartender handed him his tab.

  The rabbi said: ‘Excuse me, but I paid you when I ordered the drink.’

  ‘I’m terribly sorry, rabbi,’ said the bartender. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but that’s the second time it’s happened to me today.’

  ‘That’s OK,’ said the rabbi. ‘No offence taken. Now, if you just give me change for the twenty I gave you, I’ll be on my way.’

  1898

  A rabbi kept a jar full of foreskins on his desk as mementos of the many circumcisions that he had performed over the years. One day he took the foreskins to a leatherworker and asked him what he could do with them. The leatherworker said: ‘Come back in two days.’

  The rabbi returned two days later, and the leatherworker presented him with a wallet. ‘One lousy wallet!’ snorted the rabbi. ‘Was that all you could make out of that entire jar of foreskins?’

  ‘Listen,’ said the leatherworker. ‘You rub it a little bit, and it turns into a briefcase.’

  1899

  Although good friends for a number of years, a priest and a rabbi were always arguing the finer points of their respective theologies, each trying to prove the other wrong. One day the car in which they were travelling was involved in a bad smash, somersaulting four times before ending up on its roof. The priest and the rabbi crawled from the wreckage, just relieved to be alive.

  As the priest crossed himself, he noticed the rabbi doing the same. ‘Praise be!’ shouted the priest. ‘You’ve seen the light!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked the rabbi.

  ‘You,’ said the priest. ‘You’ve crossed yourself. You have seen the true way. This is wonderful!’

  ‘Cross myself?’ said the rabbi. ‘No way. I was just checking everything was OK: spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.’

  1900

  A Catholic priest, a Methodist preacher and a rabbi were discussing how they divided up their collection money.

  The priest said: ‘I draw a line down the centre of the room, then I throw the collection money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left side of the line belongs to God; whatever lands on the right is mine.’

  The preacher revealed: ‘I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is God’s, and the rest is mine.’

  The rabbi said: ‘I take the collection money, throw it high in the air, and tell God to take what he wants. Whatever comes back down is mine.’

  1901

  A man got off a plane in Boston, Massachusetts, and went to the men’s room. It was crowded but he managed to find a vacant urinal.

  Suddenly the man next to him said: ‘You’re Jewish, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you come from Springfield?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right.’

  ‘And your parents went to Temple Emmanuel?’

  ‘Yes. How do you know so much about me?’

  ‘Because Rabbi Minski of Temple Emmanuel is the only rabbi I know who performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle . . . and you’re pissing in my shoe!’

  REDNECKS

  1902

  Jesse, an old army buddy, came to stay at Bubba’s house. After sharing a few beers, supplies began to run low, so Bubba went to the store to get some more drink. As he was leaving the house, he told his wife, Lindy-Lou, to show Jesse her best southern hospitality while he was out. Lindy-Lou said she would.

  Forty minutes later, Bubba came back with the beer and found Jesse screwing Lindy-Lou on the kitchen floor.

  Bubba yelled: ‘What are you doing, Lindy-Lou?’

  She replied: ‘You told me to show Jesse my best southern hospitality.’

  ‘For God’s sake, woman,’ raged Bubba, ‘arch your back – poor Jesse’s balls are on the cold floor.’

  1903

  What is a redneck’s favourite food? – Pump kin.

  1904

  One day Bubba decided to go hang-gliding. Shortly after he’d taken to the air, Zeke and Mary-Lou were sitting on their porch when she spotted the biggest bird she’d ever seen. Zeke immediately grabbed his shotgun and fired off three shots, but the monster bird continued to sail silently over the treetops.

  ‘I reckon ya missed him, Zeke,’ said Mary-Lou.

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ said Zeke. ‘But at least he let go of ole Bubba, didn’t he?’

  1905

  A young guy graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Alabama, he went back there to do his research. His first call was at an old farmer’s house, way back in the hills. After explaining the purpose of his visit, he asked the farmer: ‘Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?’

  The farmer thought for a minute and said: ‘Yep! One time one of my neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home.’

  ‘I can’t print that!’ the young guy exclaimed. ‘Can you think of anything else that has happened which made you or a lot of other people happy?’

  After another moment’s thought, the farmer said: ‘Yep! One time my neighbour’s daughter, a good-looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.’

  The young man said: ‘I can’t print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?’

  The farmer lowered his head and a tear came into his eye. A few seconds later, he looked up at the young reporter and said timidly: ‘I got lost once . . .’

  Signs That a Redneck has Been Using Your Computer:

  1906

  The monitor is up on blocks.

  1907

  Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

  1908

  The keyboard is camouflaged.

  1909

  The password is ‘Bubba’.

  1910

  The six front keys have rotted out.

  1911

  The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

  1912

  The numeric keypad only goes up to three.

  1913

  There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

  1914

  There’s a Coors can in the CD-ROM drive.

  1915

  The mouse is referred to as a ‘critter’.

  1916

  Big Bubba decided it was time his fourteen-year-old son Billy Bob learned the facts of life. So he took him to the town brothel, an outwardly respectable establishment fronted by a beauty parlour.

  The middle-aged Madame said: ‘Bubba, you’ve been such a good customer down the years, I’ll see to the boy personally.’

  She was as good as her word and led Billy Bob up to a quiet room where she proceeded to have sex with him. Afterwards she said: ‘As this was your first time, I’m going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I’m going to give you a manicure.’

  Two weeks later, Bubba and Billy Bob bumped into her in the main street. Billy Bob was uncharacteristically shy.

  The Madame said: ‘Billy Bob, don’t you remember me?’

  ‘Yes, ma’am,’ replied Billy Bob quietly. ‘You’re the lady that gave me the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn’t scratch ’em.’

  1917

  What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? – Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

  1918

  A redneck patient was told by his doctor: ‘Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain’t to have no relations whatsoever.’

  ‘OK,’ said the redneck, ‘but what
about friends and neighbours?’

  1919

  A young hillbilly and his new bride visited the doctor because they didn’t know how to go about having kids. The doctor showed them a sex manual, but they just looked bewildered. Realizing he would have to communicate in simpler terms, the doctor slowly explained the birds and bees to them, but still they looked blank. Exasperated, the doctor grabbed the bride, laid her on the examining table and screwed her.