The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  1996

  When Prince Charles turned up for an official visit to Mansfield, the mayor was surprised to see him wearing a large hat made from red fur. Eventually the mayor asked: ‘Excuse me, sir, but if you don’t mind me asking, why are you wearing such unusual headgear today?’

  ‘Well,’ explained Charles, ‘when I told Daddy that I was going to Mansfield, he said: “Wear the fox hat.”’

  1997

  Camilla Parker Bowles bought Prince Charles a bookmark for his birthday. It was to stop him bending the pages over.

  1998

  Keen to arrange a royal marriage for his daughter, a king advertised her availability on the Internet. Before allowing her to meet the applicants in person and in order to determine the character of the potential suitors, the king took the precaution of spraying her private parts with green glitter.

  The first guy turned up, but when the king inspected his dick the following morning, it was covered in green glitter. The suitor was immediately struck off the list. It was the same with the next ten men: the next morning their members were all covered with green glitter. Finally, a guy came along who passed the green glitter test. There was not a trace of glitter on his dick. The king was thrilled, and offered the man his daughter’s hand in marriage. The guy let out a whoop of delight . . . and revealed a mouth full of green glitter.

  RUSSIANS

  1999

  A Russian walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

  ‘That will be one rouble,’ said the bartender.

  ‘One rouble!’ protested the customer. ‘Last week it was only fifty kopecks!’

  ‘Well,’ replied the bartender, ‘it’s fifty kopecks for the beer and fifty kopecks for the perestroika.’

  Reluctantly, the customer handed the bartender a rouble. To his surprise, the bartender gave him back fifty kopecks and said: ‘We’re out of beer.’

  2000

  An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian were studying a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

  ‘Look at that beautiful garden,’ said the Englishman. ‘Only an Englishman could grow a garden as beautiful as that.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said the Swede. ‘They’re naked and proud of it – they must be Scandinavian.’

  ‘Rubbish,’ said the Russian. ‘No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they’re told it’s paradise – definitely Russian.’

  2001

  A Russian man decided he wanted to buy a car, so he phoned the factory and asked: ‘How long do I have to wait for a car if I place my order immediately?’

  The salesman said: ‘Your car will be delivered in five years. Let me see now . . . that will be Friday 8 October, 2010.’

  ‘Will that be morning or afternoon?’ asked the customer.

  The salesman was stunned. ‘When you’ve waited five years, what does it matter whether the car arrives in the morning or the afternoon?’

  The customer said: ‘Because the plumber is coming in the morning.’

  2002

  What’s 100 feet long and lives on potatoes? – A Russian meat queue.

  2003

  A man waiting in a Moscow theatre queue tapped the guy in front of him on the shoulder. ‘Are you a member of the Secret Police?’ he asked.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are any of your family in the Secret Police?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you have any friends in the Secret Police?’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘Good. In that case, would you mind getting off my bloody foot?’

  2004

  There were two friends in Moscow, both of whom were habitual drunks. One of them – Alexei – was happy, the other – Vladimir – was sad.

  Alexei said: ‘What is troubling you, my friend?’

  Vladimir answered: ‘When I get home drunk, my wife locks the door. I have to walk the streets for many hours, and get into trouble with the police. They want to get rid of me at work. So you see, nothing to cheer about.’

  ‘I had that problem in the past,’ revealed Alexei, ‘but found a solution. I am undressing naked at the stairways, press the bell button. When my wife opens the door, I throw my clothes inside. She is afraid of the scandal, so she lets me in.’

  ‘That sounds good plan,’ said Vladimir. ‘I will try it.’

  A few weeks later, they met again, but Vladimir was more miserable than usual. ‘What happened?’ asked Alexei. ‘Did you try my method?’

  ‘Let me tell you,’ replied Vladimir sombrely. ‘I undressed, I pressed the button. The door opened. I threw in all of my clothes. The door closed. And then I heard: “Next station – Red Square.”’

  2005

  A customer asked a sales assistant in a Russian department store: ‘Don’t you have any shoes here?’

  The assistant said: ‘No, we don’t have any electrical goods here. No shoes is the next floor up.’

  SCHOOL

  2006

  The science teacher stood in front of the class and said: ‘Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?’

  Little Jimmy raised his hand and said: ‘I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.’

  The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Jenny.

  Little Jenny said: ‘I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari.’

  The teacher smiled, then called on little Johnny.

  Little Johnny stood up and said: ‘I would want silicone.’

  The teacher asked: ‘Silicone? Why silicone?’

  Little Johnny said: ‘Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!’

  2007

  At school one day, the teacher said: ‘Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Now, does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

  Little Johnny put up his hand: ‘Me, Miss Johnson, me, me!’

  ‘All right, Johnny,’ said the teacher. ‘What is your multi-syllable word?’

  ‘Mas-tur-bate,’ he replied.

  ‘My!’ said Miss Johnson, blushing. ‘That’s a mouthful!’

  Little Johnny said: ‘No, Miss Johnson, you’re thinking of a blow job.’

  2008

  What was Dolly Parton voted in school? – Most likely to breast-feed Ethiopia.

  2009

  One morning, the teacher noticed a small boy squirming at the back of the class, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. When she asked him what the problem was, he said that he’d recently been circumcized and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go to the principal’s office and to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

  The boy went to the principal’s office and then returned to his class. A few minutes later, there was a sudden commotion at the back. Investigating, the teacher found him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

  ‘I thought I told you to call your mother?’ said the teacher.

  ‘I did,’ said the boy. ‘She told me if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’

  2010

  Teacher: Why weren’t you at school yesterday?

  Little Johnny: My grandpa got burnt.

  Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that. He wasn’t burnt too badly, was he?

  Little Johnny: Oh, yes. They really know what they’re doing at those crematoriums.

  2011

  One day, during a lesson on English grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ‘beautiful’ twice in the same sentence.

  First, she called on Monica who responded with: ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.’

  ‘Very good, Monica,’ said the teacher. Then she asked David for his answer, and he said: ‘The beautiful flowers make the whole garden look beautiful.’

  ‘Excellent, David,’ said the teacher. Then she asked Little J
ohnny for his sentence.

  Little Johnny answered: ‘Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said: “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!”’

  2012

  After class, a busty thirteen-year-old girl went up to the male teacher and said: ‘Can you give me a cigarette?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ said the teacher. ‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’

  ‘OK,’ she said. ‘But I’d still rather have a cigarette.’

  2013

  Little Jenny had little interest in Sunday School and usually slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. ‘Tell me, Jenny,’ she said. ‘Who created the universe?’

  When Jenny didn’t stir, Johnny, who was sitting in the chair behind her, jabbed her in the backside with a pin.

  ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Jenny.

  ‘Very good,’ said the teacher, and Jenny fell back asleep.

  Twenty minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny: ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’

  Jenny remained sound asleep until Johnny came to her rescue again by prodding her sharply with the pin.

  ‘Jesus Christ!’ shouted Jenny.

  ‘That’s right,’ said the teacher, and Jenny went back to sleep.

  Ten minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny a third question: ‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

  Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Jenny jumped up and shouted: ‘If you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your arse!’

  The teacher fainted.

  2014

  The dean at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing students on sexual morality. ‘In moments of temptation,’ she said, ‘ask yourself this: is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?’

  A girl at the back asked: ‘How do you make it last an hour?’

  2015

  The young female teacher walked into the classroom and noticed that someone had written the word ‘Penis’ in tiny letters on the chalkboard. She hastily rubbed the word off and began class. The next day the word ‘Penis’ was written again, this time in slightly larger letters. Not wishing to draw attention to the incident, she quickly rubbed out the offending word and started class. This went on for the rest of the week. Each morning, the word ‘Penis’ would be written on the board in ever-increasing size and each time she would rub it off vigorously. When the teacher arrived at school the following Monday, she expected to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the message: ‘The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.’

  2016

  It was the first day of a new school year. Three boys arrived late for class, and the teacher asked the first boy: ‘Why are you late?’

  The boy replied: ‘I’ve been on Honeysuckle Hill.’

  ‘Take your seat,’ said the teacher.

  Then she asked the second boy why he was late.

  ‘I’ve also been on Honeysuckle Hill,’ he answered.

  And when the teacher asked the third boy why he was late, he gave the same answer. As the boys were sitting down, a girl walked in to class.

  ‘Let me guess,’ said the teacher. ‘You too were on Honeysuckle Hill?’

  ‘No,’ the girl replied. ‘I am Honeysuckle Hill.’

  2017

  Little Johnny was sitting in his Catholic school classroom. The nun said: ‘Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Johnny. ‘They go out back of the school yard.’

  2018

  A kindergarten teacher was taking her class through the alphabet by asking them to name words that began with each letter. However she was anxious to avoid the answers of one child, Darryl, who had a tendency to use rude words.

  She began with ‘A’, and everyone put up their hands. Ignoring Darryl, who was almost certain to say ‘ass’, the teacher instead asked Lisa, who came up with ‘apple’. She then moved on to ‘B’. Again the whole class raised their hands but, rather than hear Darryl shout something like ‘bitch’, the teacher opted for Alvin, who offered ‘bridge’. But as the teacher pressed on through the alphabet, the children’s enthusiasm began to wane until, by the time she reached ‘R’, only Darryl had his hand raised. She realised she had no choice but to hear Darryl’s suggestion.

  ‘OK, Darryl,’ she said, taking a deep breath, ‘what word starts with “R”?’

  ‘Rat,’ replied Darryl.

  ‘Rat?’ repeated the teacher incredulously, but hugely relieved. ‘That’s it? Rat?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Darryl. ‘Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a twelve-inch dick!’

  2019

  The male biology teacher at a girls’ private school asked during class: ‘Miss Hodgson, would you name the organ in the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions?’

  A shocked Miss Hodgson replied loftily: ‘I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.’ And with that, she sat down, red-faced.

  Unperturbed, the teacher called on Miss Upton and asked the same question. Miss Upton, with calm composure, replied: ‘The pupil of the eye, in dim light.’

  ‘Correct,’ said the teacher. ‘Now, Miss Hodgson, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not done your homework; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment!’

  2020

  A young female teacher was giving a lengthy assignment to sixth grade, a task which required her to write high on the chalkboard. As she did so, she could hear one of the boys giggling.

  ‘What’s so funny, Eric?’ she asked.

  ‘I just saw one of your garters, Miss.’

  The teacher was furious. ‘Get out of my classroom, and don’t come back for three days!’

  As the class settled down again, she realized she had omitted a word from the top line and reached up high on the chalkboard. Once again, she heard a boy giggling.

  ‘What’s so funny, Billy?’

  ‘I just saw both of your garters, Miss.’

  The teacher was even angrier than before. ‘Get out of my classroom, and don’t come back for three weeks!’

  She was now so flustered that she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she heard more giggling. She stood up to see little Johnny leaving the classroom.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ she barked.

  Little Johnny replied: ‘From what I just saw, my school days are over!’

  2021

  A reunion brought four old schoolfriends together for the first time in thirty-five years. While one guy went to the toilet, the other three started boasting about how successful their sons were in their chosen careers.

  ‘My boy is doing so well,’ said one. ‘He owns his own factory making furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole load of brand new furniture. I’m so proud of him.’

  The second said: ‘My son is doing every bit as well. He has worked his way up to being manager at a leading car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. I’m so proud of him.’

  The third said: ‘My son’s a great success. He’s a bank manager. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house. I’m so proud of him.’

  Just then the fourth guy returned from the toilet. The others said they had just been talking about how successful their sons were. The fourth guy shook his head despairingly. ‘I’m afraid my son hasn’t amounted to much. You see, he’s gay. But I guess he must be doing something right because just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends.’

  SCOTS

  2022

  Two girls came across a drunken Scotsman lying asleep by the side of the road. One girl said: ‘I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.’ She loo
ked, and was so impressed that she decided to reward him, tying a red ribbon from her hair around his penis. With that, the girls went on their way.

  When the Scotsman eventually woke up, he needed to pee and went behind a tree. Noticing the ribbon on his dick, he shook his head and mumbled: ‘I don’t know where you’ve been, laddie, but it’s nice to know you won first prize!’

  2023

  How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? – Nae bother: just go round with a collection box.

  2024