How do you take a census in Scotland? – Throw 10p in the street.
2025
How do you spot a Scottish trawler? – It’s the one not being followed by seagulls.
2026
Why are so many Scottish churches circular? – So that nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
2027
A Scotsman returned home from a medical check-up to tell his wife: ‘There’s good news and bad news.’
‘Tell me the bad news first,’ she said eagerly.
‘I’ve got sugar in my urine, so there’s a strong chance I’m diabetic.’
‘And what’s the good news?’
‘Think of the money I’ll save by pissing on my cornflakes!’
2028
What have the Scottish football team and a three-pin plug got in common? – They’re both useless in Europe.
2029
What do you call a Scotsman at the World Cup finals? – Ref.
2030
Did you hear about the Scotsman who got a cab to take him and his girlfriend home? – The girl was so beautiful he could barely keep his eyes on the meter.
2031
An Englishman went to a small hotel in the Scottish Highlands and ordered a whiskey.
‘That will be ten pence,’ said the landlord.
‘Ten pence!’ exclaimed the Englishman. ‘That’s amazingly cheap. A whiskey would cost me thirty times that in London!’
‘Aye,’ said the landlord, ‘but the folks around here willnae pay prices like that.’
The Englishman took his drink and sat down at a table. Two old men were playing dominoes on the next table, and he couldn’t help noticing that neither of them had a drink.
‘Why aren’t you fellows drinking?’ he asked. ‘The prices here are an absolute bargain.’
‘Is that so?’ said one of the old men. ‘Well, a Londoner might call them a bargain, but Hamish and I are waiting for Happy Hour.’
2032
Did you hear about the Scotsman who got caught making nuisance phone calls? – He kept reversing the charges.
2033
A Scotsman was sitting in a bar in Cuba, minding his own business, when a man with a bushy black beard walked in. The man went up to the bar and ordered a shot of whiskey. After knocking it back, he headed for the door.
‘Hey,’ said the bartender, ‘aren’t you going to pay for that?’
The man turned around and replied: ‘Excuse me, Castro’s Army.’
‘Sorry,’ said the bartender. ‘That’s fine.’
And the man left without having to pay.
A few minutes later, another man with a bushy black beard wandered in and ordered a shot of whiskey. After drinking it, he was about to leave when the bartender called out: ‘Hey, aren’t you going to pay for that?’
The man turned around and said: ‘Excuse me, Castro’s Army.’
‘That’s OK, then,’ said the bartender.
And the man left without having to pay.
Having observed all this, the Scotsman had an idea. He walked up to the bar, ordered a shot of whiskey and, after drinking it, he headed for the door.
‘Hey,’ yelled the bartender, ‘aren’t you going to pay for that?’
The Scotsman turned around and said: ‘Excuse me, Castro’s Army.’
The bartender asked: ‘Where is your bushy black beard?’
Thinking quickly, the Scotsman lifted his kilt and said: ‘Secret Service.’
2034
A woman was sitting alone in a train carriage until a little old Scotsman wearing a kilt came in and sat down opposite her. She was so fascinated by his kilt that eventually she plucked up the courage to ask: ‘I’ve always wanted to know what a man wears under one of those . . .?’
‘I’m a man o’ few words,’ replied the Scotsman. ‘Give me yer hand.’
SEATTLE
2035
A British tourist arrived in Seattle on a wet day. He asked a small boy: ‘Does it always rain like this?’
The kid said: ‘How should I know? I’m only six!’
2036
Pat left Cork for Seattle where he found a job on a building site. When his first payday came, he went out on the town, got blind drunk and ended up in a brothel. The next day he bared his soul at confession. The priest told him to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and to put $20 in the poor box.
A few weeks later, Pat moved to San Francisco where he heard there was better-paid work. On his first payday, he went out on the town, got blind drunk and ended up in a brothel. The next day he went to confession. After listening to Pat’s sins, the priest told him to say a couple of Our Fathers and to drop a dollar in the poor box.
‘But Father,’ said Pat, ‘I did the same thing in Seattle and had to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and put $20 in the poor box.’
‘Ah, sure,’ scoffed the priest, ‘what do they know about drinkin’ and fuckin’ in Seattle?’
SEX
2037
An elderly couple were enjoying an anniversary dinner together at their favourite country restaurant. As they finished, the husband leaned over and asked his wife: ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this restaurant where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.’
‘Yes,’ she said contentedly. ‘I remember it well.’
‘Well,’ he suggested, ‘how about taking a walk round there right now and doing it again for old time’s sake?’
‘Ooh, Henry, you devil!’ she smiled. ‘That sounds like a wonderful idea.’
So they tottered round to the back of the restaurant and made their way to the fence. The old lady lifted her skirt, took her knickers down, and the old man dropped his trousers. Then she leaned back on the fence and the old man moved in. Suddenly they erupted into the most frenzied sex; they were bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds, and he was hanging onto her hips for dear life. When it was all over, they slumped to the ground in an exhausted heap.
‘Oh, Miriam!’ he gasped. ‘That was amazing. That’s the best sex we’ve ever had – no, the best sex anyone’s ever had! How come you weren’t that athletic fifty years ago?’
The wife replied, panting: ‘Because back then the fence wasn’t electrified!’
2038
A guy told his doctor: ‘I’ve got this sex problem.’
‘OK,’ said the doctor. ‘Tell me about your average day.’
‘Well, it starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me at three o’clock in the morning for sex, and then again at five o’clock so we can spend a couple more hours making love before I go to work . . .’
‘Oh, I see . . .’
‘No, Doc, that’s not it. Because then I get on the train to work and there’s always this beautiful girl I meet every morning. And we sneak into an empty compartment and have sex.’
‘Now I see . . .’
‘No, you don’t, Doc. When I get to work, my secretary really fancies me and I have to screw her in the storeroom during morning break.’
‘Oh, now I see . . .’
‘No, Doc, there’s more. For lunch I go to the local sandwich bar where this really sexy woman works. And we always pop into the back room for a quickie.’
‘Now, I think I see . . .’
‘No, no, Doc. Then in the afternoon I have to shag my attractive lady boss because if I don’t, she says she’ll fire me. Then when I get home, my wife gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards.’
The doctor scratched his head: ‘So what’s your problem?’
‘It hurts when I wank.’
2039
A man returned home from the night shift and, feeling horny, went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep, but not to be denied, he crawled under the sheet and screwed her feverishly. Afterwards, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast
on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
‘How’d you get down here so fast?’ he gasped. ‘We were just making love!’
A look of horror crossed the wife’s face. ‘Oh, my God!’ she exclaimed. ‘That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of a headache, so I told her to lie down for a while.’
The wife rushed upstairs. ‘Mother, I can’t believe what happened! Why didn’t you say something?’
The old woman replied: ‘I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!’
2040
When they have sex, what do most men like their wives to do? – The shopping.
2041
A couple were having sex for the first time and after a while the guy asked the woman to open her legs a little wider. She did so, and they carried on, but a few minutes later he said again: ‘Can you open your legs a little wider?’ Again she obliged, but shortly afterwards he said: ‘A little wider, please.’
Although she was becoming increasingly irritated by his request, she did as he wanted and they continued until, thirty seconds later, he pleaded: ‘Can you open them just a little wider?’
She’d had enough. ‘What are you trying to do? Get your balls in, too?’
He said: ‘No, I’m trying to get them out!’
2042
A guy complained to a friend that sex with his wife had become boring.
‘Why don’t you try something a little different?’ suggested the friend.
‘Like what?’
‘Well, why don’t you try playing doctor for an hour? That’s what I do with my wife.’
‘A whole hour! How the hell do you manage to make it last that long?’
‘It’s easy. I just keep her in the waiting room for fifty-eight minutes.’
2043
Two young women were talking over lunch about their dates when one turned to the other and asked: ‘What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?’
‘Oh, definitely with a guy I went out with last year. He was so imaginative.’
‘Like how?’ inquired her friend eagerly.
‘Well, I remember once he sat me on top of the washing machine when it was on fast spin and made me take all my clothes off.’
‘That must have been an amazing sensation,’ enthused her friend.
‘Yeah, it sent incredible vibrations through my whole body. I just had one roaring orgasm after another and that was before he even entered me. Mind you, I’ll never be able to use that launderette again.’
2044
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
2045
A man told his colleagues at work that his wife had given him an ultimatum: no sex until he quit smoking.
‘How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?’ they asked.
He answered: ‘Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist.’
2046
Sleeping with a man is just like a soap opera. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished till next time.
2047
A girl picked up a guy at a nightclub and, with her parents out of town, seized the opportunity to invite him back home. When they got to her bedroom, the guy noticed that the room was full of fluffy toys. There were hundreds of them: fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the windowsill, fluffy toys on the floor, fluffy toys all over the bed, and fluffy toys on three rows of shelves. Later, after they’d had sex, he turned to her and asked: ‘So how was I?’
She said: ‘You can take anything from the bottom shelf.’
2048
Two friends, John and Rob, were talking over a beer.
After a while Rob said: ‘John, would you like to participate in group sex?’
‘Who’s involved?’ asked John hesitantly.
‘Me, you, and your wife.’
‘No, thanks,’ said John.
‘Fine,’ said Rob. ‘Then I’ll take your name off the list.’
2049
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? – Call her and tell her.
2050
A small boy caught his parents having sex. ‘Dad, what are you doing?’ he asked.
Embarrassed, the father spluttered: ‘Er, I’m filling your mother’s tank.’
‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘you better get a model that gets better mileage, because the postman filled her this morning.’
2051
Sex is nobody’s business except for the three people involved.
2052
One night a guy and his girlfriend went back to his house to have sex, but on the doorstep he warned her: ‘I still live with my parents, and me and my eleven-year-old brother share bunk beds. So we’ll have to be quiet. I’ve thought up some code words we can use: if you want me to change positions, say “lettuce”, and if you want to go faster, say “tomato”.’
Stealthily they climbed into the top bunk and began making love. As the passion heightened, the girl began moaning: ‘Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, tomato, tomato . . .’
Suddenly the kid brother on the bottom bunk called out: ‘Can you stop making sandwiches? You’re getting mayonnaise all over me.’
2053
A guy had been dating a girl for over a year when he decided it was time to take their relationship a stage further.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked cautiously.
‘It’s fine,’ she said, ‘as long as it is infrequent.’
He looked at her, puzzled. ‘Is that one word or two?’
2054
A newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched out on the sofa, wearing a negligee.
‘Guess what I’ve got planned for dinner?’ she purred. ‘And don’t you dare tell me you had it for lunch today.’
2055
A virile construction worker saw himself as a stud, and he had no trouble persuading a pretty girl to come back to his apartment. Inevitably they ended up in bed. After sex, he rolled over and lit a cigarette but his smug smile vanished when she jumped out of bed and snapped: ‘You may look like Mel Gibson, but you’re lousy in the sack!’
Indignant at this affront to his pride, he countered: ‘I don’t see what makes you such an expert after only thirty-five seconds!’
2056
A man and a woman were having sex in a dark forest. After fifteen minutes of fumbling, he said: ‘Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.’
She said: ‘So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!’
2057
A newly married couple arrived home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment that they had rented from the groom’s parents. That night, the father of the groom was woken up by his wife.
‘Listen, Tony!’ she whispered.
He listened, and heard the sound of the bed upstairs creaking in rhythm. The wife said: ‘Come on, Tony. Let’s make love.’ So Tony climbed on top of his wife and they had sex.
Fifteen minutes later, just as he was trying to fall back to sleep, the bed upstairs began creaking in rhythm again. ‘Come on, Tony,’ said his wife. ‘Let’s make love again.’ Once more, Tony climbed on top of his wife and shafted her with all the energy he could muster.
Twenty minutes later, as he was drifting off to sleep, the bed upstairs began creaking in rhythm again. ‘Come on, Tony,’ purred his insatiable wife. ‘Let’s do it again!’
Tony grabbed a broom, pounded on the ceiling and yelled: ‘Cut it out, kids! You’re killing your old man down here!’
How Sex Can Burn Off The Calories:
2058
Taking off the clothes
With her agreement
12 cal
Without her agreement
166 cal
2059
Taking off the bra
With both hands
8 cal
With one hand
11
cal
With one hand being slapped
53 cal
With the mouth
91 cal
2060
Putting on the condom
With erection
6 cal
Without erection
335 cal
2061
Preliminaries
Trying to find the clitoris
14 cal
Trying to find the G spot
107 cal
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 54