The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

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The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 55

by Geoff Tibballs


  Without giving a damn

  0 cal

  2062

  Positions

  Missionary

  13 cal

  Doggie-style

  19 cal

  69 lying down

  20 cal

  69 standing up

  137 cal

  Hostess trolley

  223 cal

  Italian chandelier

  934 cal

  2063

  Having an orgasm

  Real

  115 cal

  Fake

  404 cal

  2064

  Post orgasm

  Staying in bed

  5 cal

  Jumping off the bed

  30 cal

  Explaining why she jumped off the bed

  828 cal

  2065

  Getting the second erection

  Between 16 and 19 years of age

  14 cal

  From 20 to 29

  36 cal

  From 30 to 39

  97 cal

  From 40 to 49

  376 cal

  From 50 to 59

  919 cal

  Over 60

  3623 cal

  2066

  Putting on the clothes

  Quietly

  4 cal

  Hurriedly

  99 cal

  With her husband opening the door

  5190 cal

  2067

  Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, decided to slip down to Earth for a spot of sex. He picked up a girl in a bar and went back to her place. Blessed with unrivalled stamina, he then subjected her to a three-day non-stop sex session, at the end of which she was utterly exhausted. After saying his farewells, he felt guilty that he might have injured her in some way, so he went back to apologize and explain why he had been able to keep going for so long.

  He said: ‘I’m sorry, I’m Thor . . .’

  The girl yelled: ‘Oh, you’re thor, are you? Well, tho am I. In fact, I can’t even pith!’

  2068

  Jack and Sam were chatting in a bar. Jack said: ‘What would you do if you heard the world was to end in fifteen minutes?’

  ‘I’d shag everything that moved,’ said Sam. ‘What would you do?’

  Jack said: ‘I’d stand perfectly still.’

  2069

  Define ‘egghead’ – What Mrs Dumpty gives to Humpty.

  2070

  Two guys were getting drunk and horny at a bar. One said: ‘When I get home I wanna give my woman a different kind of sex – something that’ll blow her mind.’

  The other suggested: ‘Why don’t you try rodeo sex?’

  ‘Rodeo sex? What’s that?’

  ‘It’s when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair, pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear, “Your sister was better than you,” . . . and try to hold on for eight seconds!’

  2071

  A man was walking through the park when he came across an old lamp. He rubbed it, and the genie that appeared granted him three wishes.

  ‘To be honest,’ said the man, ‘I can’t think of anything I really need. I have all I want in life.’

  The genie tried to prompt him. ‘How about a million dollars? Everyone could do with more money.’

  ‘Not me,’ said the man. ‘I lead a relatively simple life.’

  ‘What about a fast car?’ said the genie. ‘I could get you a top of the range Ferrari with a click of the fingers.’

  ‘I don’t drive,’ said the man.

  ‘How about sex?’ suggested the genie. ‘How many times do you make love in a week?’

  ‘Once or twice,’ replied the man.

  ‘There you go!’ said the genie. ‘I can make your sex life much more active.’

  ‘Well, OK,’ said the man indifferently. ‘But I thought once or twice a week was pretty good for a priest in a town this small.’

  2072

  Tarzan had been living alone in the jungle for thirty years, the only outlet for his sexual frustrations being a hole in a tree. Then one day Jane arrived on a news assignment from NBC and watched him thrusting vigorously into a jungle oak. Touched by his obvious needs, she threw herself to the ground and yelled: ‘Take me, Tarzan!’

  Tarzan gazed at her lying there, came over to her and kicked her hard in the crotch.

  ‘Ow! What the hell did you do that for?’ she screamed.

  ‘Always check for squirrels.’

  Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:

  2073

  Chocolate satisfies even when it’s gone soft.

  2074

  You can safely have chocolate while you’re driving.

  2075

  You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

  2076

  You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

  2077

  If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.

  2078

  You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

  2079

  Chocolate is so good to swallow.

  2080

  You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

  2081

  You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

  2082

  With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

  2083

  Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

  2084

  When you have chocolate it doesn’t keep the neighbours awake.

  2085

  Carl walked into a bar and saw Ray sitting there with a huge smile on his face. ‘What are you so pleased about?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, Carl, I gotta tell you . . . Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and this gorgeous redhead came up to me. Tits out to here, Carl. Tits out to here! She said, “Can I have a ride in your boat?” I said, “Sure, you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Carl. I turned off the key and I said, “It’s either screw or swim!” She couldn’t swim, Carl. She couldn’t swim!’

  Two days later, Carl walked into the bar and saw Ray sitting there with an even bigger smile on his face. ‘What are you so happy about today?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, Carl, I gotta tell you . . . Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and this heavenly blonde came up to me. Tits out to here, Carl. Tits out to here! She said, “Can I have a ride in your boat?” I said, “Sure, you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Carl. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and said, “It’s either screw or swim!” She couldn’t swim, Carl. She couldn’t swim!’

  Three days later, Carl walked into the bar and saw Ray crying over his beer. ‘What are you so sad for?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, Carl, I gotta tell you . . . Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and this stunning brunette came up to me. Tits way out to here, Carl. Tits way out to here. She said, “Can I have a ride in your boat?” I said, ‘Sure, you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Carl, way way out, much further than the last two. I turned off the key, looked at her tits and said, “It’s either screw or swim!” She pulled down her pants and . . . she had a dick, Carl! She had this great big dick, Carl. And I can’t swim!’

  2086

  Why does Mike Tyson cry after sex? – The mace.

  2087

  What is the square root of 69? – Eight something.

  2088

  What is 69 and 69? – Dinner for four.

  2089

  What is 6.9? – 69 ruined by a period.

  2090

  A guy went up to a girl in a bar and said: ‘You want to play Magic?’

  ‘What’s that?’ she asked.

  ‘We go to my house, fuck, and then you disappear.’

  2091

  What’s the speed limit of sex? – 68, because at 69 you have to turn
around.

  2092

  A couple had been dating for some time, but while he was desperate to sleep with her, she wanted to save herself for marriage. One evening as they started kissing on the sofa, he could feel the sap rising once more.

  ‘Come on, just a feel,’ he said, caressing her thighs.

  ‘No,’ she replied. ‘I’ve told you before, I’m saving myself for marriage.’

  They carried on kissing passionately.

  ‘Oh, go on, one quick feel,’ he pleaded, flicking his tongue into her mouth.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Just one feel, that’s all I want. I promise, nothing more.’

  ‘Oh, all right. But that’s all, just one. I’m saving myself for marriage.’

  So he slid his hand down her panties and rummaged around. Things were really heating up now, and he could contain himself no longer.

  ‘Can’t we . . . please?’

  ‘No,’ she moaned. ‘I’m saving myself for marriage.’

  ‘Please . . .?’

  ‘No, definitely not. Not until we’re married.’

  ‘How about if I agree to put just the tip in?’

  ‘No way. I’m saving myself.’

  ‘I promise, just the tip, no more, and we’ll stop after that.’

  Finally she weakened. ‘OK, but just the tip, no more, and that’s all. Promise?’

  ‘Promise.’

  So he pulled down her panties and poked the tip in, but the sensation made him lose control and he shoved it all the way in. As he began pumping her furiously, she started moaning and groaning. Suddenly she shouted: ‘OK, go ahead, put it all the way in!’

  Mortified, he replied: ‘No, absolutely not, a deal’s a deal!’

  2093

  Two guys were driving along when they saw two dogs mating in someone’s front garden. The driver remarked: ‘That’s great. My wife and I do that every night.’

  The passenger said: ‘My wife is more conservative – she likes the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do that, I’d like to try it.’

  ‘It’s easy,’ said the driver. ‘I just give her a couple of martinis and she’s game for anything.’

  ‘Right,’ said the passenger, ‘I’ll try that tonight.’

  When the two men met the next morning, the driver asked: ‘So how was it?’

  ‘It was great,’ said the passenger, ‘but it took my wife ten martinis.’

  ‘Ten martinis?’

  ‘Yeah, after two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn.’

  SEXUAL ORGANS

  2094

  Name: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

  Location: Throughout the world

  Description: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, but with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from three to twelve inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

  Symptoms: The snake attacks mainly women in the front lower abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump, then a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. However it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which can be fatal.

  Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but also open spaces, the back seats of cars, and in fact can pop up in the most unexpected places.

  Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. But once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.

  What to do when attacked:

  Sucking the wound: This method is the most popular with the victim, but is not known to have achieved any success.

  Milking the snake:

  1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

  2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upward and downward motion.

  3. This will see the snake become highly aggressive and start spitting.

  4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

  5. Once milked, the snake should remain harmless for about twenty minutes.

  2095

  A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop and hung it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said: ‘Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-size 44.’

  Instantly there was a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grew to an enormous size. Excited, she ran to tell her husband and a few minutes later they both returned to the bathroom. This time, the husband said: ‘Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.’

  Again, there was a blinding flash of light . . . then both his legs fell off.

  2096

  As regular drinking buddies, Des and Jim often found themselves standing next to one another in the urinal. One day, Des, emboldened by several beers, admitted: ‘I’m not gay or anything, Jim, but I can’t help admiring your dick. It really is a huge specimen.’

  ‘It wasn’t always like this,’ said Jim. ‘I went to Harley Street in England to get a new penis a few years back. It cost me $3,000.’

  Des was so impressed that he booked himself on the next flight to London. The surgeon fitted him with a new penis, and Des was mightily pleased with the result. When he next met up with Jim, he was keen to show off his new equipment.

  ‘You were robbed,’ he told Jim at the urinal. ‘I went to that place you recommended in Harley Street, and he only charged me $1,500.’

  ‘Do you mind if I take a look?’ asked Jim.

  ‘Be my guest.’

  Jim looked over and laughed: ‘No wonder he charged you less. That’s my old one!’

  2097

  A guy entered a clock and watch shop and saw the most gorgeous girl clerk serving behind the counter. He calmly walked up to her, unzipped his pants and flopped his dick out on to the counter.

  ‘What are you doing, sir?’ she asked. ‘This is a clock shop!’

  ‘I know,’ he said, ‘and I’d like two hands and a face put on this!’

  2098

  What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common? – The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

  2099

  Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife. So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

  ‘A cock,’ she replied.

  Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him.

  Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’

  ‘A cock,’ she answered.

  Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements.

  Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’

  She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’

  That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her.

  ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’

  She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’

  2100

  A husband’s penis was so small that, for the first seven years of their married life, he made love to his wife with a gherkin. Since they always had sex in their dark, she was none the wiser until one night she suddenly put the lights on and saw him with the pickle in his hand.

  ‘Oh, my God!’ she exclaimed. ‘Is that what you’ve
been shafting me with all these years? How could you? It’s disgusting!’

  ‘Shut up!’ he yelled. ‘How dare you accuse me of anything when I’ve never even asked where our three kids came from!’

 

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