The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 56
2101
Three US educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is shaped the way it is. The University of California allocated a budget of $750,000 for research and after three years of study concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is because it fits better in the vagina. This prevents leakage of semen and increases the probability of successful fertilisation. The University of Texas spent $500,000 on a two-year research programme. Their results showed that the penis widened near the tip to maximize the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation. The Texas A & M University spent $3.95 on a copy of Playboy and ten minutes in the staff toilet, and discovered that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.
2102
A man went to a party, got drunk and passed out. He woke the next day to find two lines around his penis – a red one and a brown one. So he went to the doctor who took samples of both lines.
After conducting the necessary tests, the doctor announced: ‘There is good news and bad news. The good news is the red line was lipstick. But the brown line is bad news.’
‘Why?’
‘It was chewing tobacco.’
2103
A man said to his wife: ‘You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that Big Dick Contest.’
‘Oh, honey, please don’t,’ she begged. ‘I don’t want you taking that thing out in public.’
‘But the first prize is $150,’ he said.
‘I don’t care. I just don’t want you showing that monster to everybody. Understand?’
The subject was dropped, but the next night she caught him counting out $150. ‘Did you go down and enter that Big Dick Contest after I expressly told you not to?’
‘Please forgive me, darling . . .’
‘You mean, you took that thing out for everybody to see?’
He smiled at her tenderly and said: ‘Only enough to win.’
2104
A man walked into the doctor’s office and said: ‘Doctor, I have five penises.’
‘I see,’ said the doctor. ‘How do your trousers fit?’
‘Like a glove.’
2105
A guy went to the doctor and said: ‘Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.’
The doctor asked the guy to drop his pants and was alarmed to see that the patient’s penis was indeed orange. ‘This is very strange,’ admitted the doctor. ‘Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.’
Probing as to the possible causes of stress, the doctor asked: ‘How are things at work?’
‘I was fired six weeks ago,’ said the guy.
‘Aha,’ said the doctor. ‘That is most probably the cause of the stress.’
‘I don’t think so,’ said the guy. ‘The boss was a real asshole. I had to work unpaid overtime every week, and I had no say in what was happening. I found a new job earlier this week where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got at the old place, and the boss is a really great guy. I start there Monday.’
‘Hmmm,’ mused the doctor. Pursuing another avenue, he asked. ‘How’s your home life?’
The guy replied: ‘I got divorced eight months ago.’
‘Aha,’ said the doctor. ‘That’s why you’re stressed.’
‘No way,’ said the guy. ‘For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. I’m just so relieved to be rid of the bitch!’
By now the doctor was really struggling to find a cause for the orange penis. In desperation, he asked: ‘Do you have any hobbies or a social life?’
The guy replied: ‘No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos . . .’
2106
What is the part of Popeye that never rusts? – The one he puts in Olive Oyl.
2107
A muscular guy called Michael met a woman named Sharon at a bar and after several drinks they went back to his place. As they were making out in the bedroom, Michael stood up and started to undress. After taking his shirt off, he flexed his biceps and said: ‘See that, baby? That’s one thousand pounds of dynamite!’
With Sharon drooling in expectation, Michael then dropped his jeans and pointed to his bulging thighs. ‘See that baby? That’s one thousand pounds of dynamite!’
Sharon could hardly wait for the action to begin. Finally, Michael dropped his underpants but, after a quick glance, Sharon grabbed her jacket and ran screaming towards the door. Michael grabbed her just as she was about to leave and demanded: ‘Why are you in such a hurry to go?’
Sharon replied: ‘With two thousand pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!’
2108
What did the left testicle say to the right testicle? – ‘The guy in the middle thinks he’s so hard!’
2109
Two drunks were sitting next to each other in a bar. When one staggered back from the washroom, he forgot to button up his fly so that as he sat on his bar stool, his penis flopped out onto the bartop.
Seeing this, the other drunk screamed, ‘Snake!’ and whacked the penis with a bottle.
The first drunk yelled: ‘Hit it again! It just bit me!’
2110
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? – So that men can be open minded.
2111
An old man went to the doctor and said: ‘I want you to take a look at my penis, doc.’
The doctor examined it but said: ‘I can’t see anything wrong with it.’
‘I know that,’ said the old man, ‘but ain’t it a beauty!’
2112
A guy on a business trip bought a cool pair of snakeskin boots. When he got home, he went upstairs, stripped naked except for his boots, and called his wife. She entered the bedroom to find him standing there.
‘Do you notice anything special?’ he asked.
‘Yeah,’ she said, bored. ‘It’s limp.’
‘It’s not limp,’ he protested. ‘It’s admiring my new boots.’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘next time buy a hat.’
2113
What did the elephant say to the naked man? – ‘Cute, but can you breathe through it?’
2114
A stranger went into an empty bar in Georgia and ordered a beer. As he was looking around, he saw a table about 6ft by 4ft with some lines marked between six and ten inches from one edge. Next to each line was a set of initials.
The stranger asked the bartender: ‘What are all those marks on that table?’
‘It’s a game the locals play,’ said the bartender. ‘They pull out their dicks, stretch them as far as they can, and mark a line.’
Being hung like a horse, the stranger reckoned he could beat all the lines on display and asked if he could have a go.
‘Sure,’ said the bartender.
So the stranger pulled out his dick and was a clear winner by at least two inches. He was just marking his line in triumph when the bartender pointed out: ‘No, mate, the locals start from the other side!’
2115
A guy was nervous about making a move on his new girlfriend because he thought his penis was rather on the small side. So he asked his friend for advice. The friend said: ‘Don’t worry. Just get her in the mood and everything will be fine. I’m sure she won’t think your dick is small.’
So on their next date the guy drove his girlfriend to a secluded spot. After kissing her tenderly, he plucked up the courage to open the zip on his jeans and guide her hand down onto his organ.
‘No thanks,’ said the girl. ‘I don’t smoke.’
2116
At the greeting card shop, a woman was spending a long time poring over the cards, trying to find something appropriate.
Seeing that she was having trouble finding what she wanted, a clerk came over and asked: �
��May I help you?’
‘I don’t know,’ said the woman. ‘Do you have any “Sorry I laughed at your dick” cards?’
2117
A white man couldn’t help noticing a black man’s impressive cock as he stood at the adjacent urinal.
‘I wish I had one like yours,’ sighed the white man.
The black man said: ‘You can – just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one like mine.’
‘Thanks. You’ve been really helpful.’
A few weeks later, the two men bumped into each other again.
‘How’s it going?’ asked the black man.
‘Great,’ said the white man. ‘I’m halfway there.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, it’s definitely turning black.’
2118
The rule of the tool: if the mass of the ass is proportional to the angle of the dangle, then the torque on the pork determines the heat of the meat.
2119
When a ninety-year-old man announced that he was going to marry a woman of thirty-three, his daughter urged him to have a medical examination first to see if he was still capable sexually.
The doctor said: ‘Let me see your sexual organs.’
The old man stuck out his tongue and his little finger.
2120
A guy had a work physical. The doctor said: ‘You’ve got a tiny dick. Has it caused any difficulties?’
‘No, I’ve got a wife and three kids. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime.’
‘Hmmm,’ said the doctor. ‘What about at night?’
‘Nights are no problem, because there’s two of us looking for it then.’
2121
‘Hi, darling,’ breathed an obscene phone caller. ‘If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.’
‘Listen, chum,’ said the woman on the other end. ‘If you can hold it in one hand, I ain’t interested.’
Letter of Complaint to the Management
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
2122
I do physical labour.
2123
I work at great depths.
2124
I plunge head first into everything I do.
2125
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
2126
I work in a damp environment.
2127
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
2128
I work in high temperatures.
2129
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
The Reply
Dear Penis, after assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
2130
You do not work eight hours straight.
2131
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
2132
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
2133
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
2134
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
2135
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
2136
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
2137
You will retire well before you are sixty-five.
2138
You are unable to work double shifts.
2139
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
2140
And if that were not all, you have repeatedly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
2141
Suddenly in middle age, Ralph’s penis began to grow at an alarming rate. Soon it was twenty inches long and making his life uncomfortable. Eventually he sought medical advice and a urologist told him that the condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
‘How long will Ralph be on crutches?’ asked his wife.
‘Crutches? Why would he need crutches?’ said the urologist.
The wife said: ‘Well, you are planning to shorten his legs, aren’t you?’
2142
Little Johnny told his schoolfriend: ‘Annie Roberts cheats!’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked his friend.
‘Well,’ said Johnny, ‘she said she’d show me hers if I showed her mine – but it turns out she hasn’t got one!’
2143
Which is the least sensitive part of the penis? – The man attached to it.
2144
A guy with a twenty-five-inch dickwanted it made smaller because it was too big for women to cope with. So he went to see a witch who told him to go to the woods where he would find a frog. ‘You must ask the frog to marry you,’ said the witch. ‘And when the frog says “no”, your dick will shrink by five inches.’
So the guy headed off into the woods. He found the frog sitting at the base of a tree. ‘Frog,’ he said, ‘will you marry me?’
The frog said: ‘No.’ And, sure enough, the guy’s dick shrank five inches.
But twenty inches was still too long, so again he asked the frog to marry him.
‘No,’ answered the frog. And the guy’s dick shrank five inches.
The guy was going to leave it at that, but then he thought that fifteen inches was still too long. Ten would be ideal. So he went up to the frog for a third time.
‘Frog, will you marry me?’
The frog glared at him. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!’
2145
A boy asked his father: ‘What does a vagina look like?’
‘Well, son, before sex it looks like a perfect pink rosebud with a sweet perfume.’
‘So what does it look like after sex?’
‘Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?’
2146
How can you tell when your girlfriend wants you? – When you put your hand down her pants and it’s like you’re feeding a horse.
2147
A man was sitting on a train opposite a girl in a short skirt. Although he tried not to stare, he couldn’t take his eyes off her, particularly when it became obvious that she wasn’t wearing any knickers. Realizing what was going on, she asked him: ‘Are you looking at my pussy?’
‘Er, yes. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s OK,’ said the girl. ‘My pussy’s very talented. Watch this. I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.’
Sure enough, it blew a kiss at him.
‘That’s not all,’ she boasted. ‘I can also make it wink.’
Sure enough, she made it wink at him.
‘Come and sit next to me,’ she said, patting the seat. ‘Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?’
‘My God!’ said the man. ‘Can it whistle, too?’
2148
When his mother walked out of the shower, Little Johnny saw his mother’s vagina. He asked her what it was and she replied embarrassed: ‘Oh, that’s mommy’s black sponge.’
A few days later, Johnny spilt a glass of milk on the kitchen floor and said: ‘Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk.’
She replied awkwardly: ‘Uh, I lost it.’
A couple of days later, he came running up to her and said: ‘Mommy, I found your black sponge!’
Mystified, she asked: ‘Where?’
Little Johnny said: ‘It’s over at Mrs Taylor’s house, and Daddy’s washing his face in it!’
2149
Who designed the female genitals? – The local council: who else would put a playground righ
t next door to a sewer?
2150
What’s the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm? – When you eat pussy, you can always see the asshole in front of you.
2151
After a wild night’s partying, three women decided to see who had the biggest snatch. So they took off all their clothes and began fingering themselves and each other.
A few minutes later, the first one squatted on a glass top table and then they measured the slimy outline she left behind.