The second one then squatted on the table and they measured the slimy outline she left, which was even bigger.
Finally the third one squatted on the table but when she stood back up, the others said: ‘You didn’t leave an outline.’
‘Ah,’ she said, ‘smell the rim.’
2152
What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties? – Clitty litter.
2153
Spotting a sexy woman in a bar, a guy went over to her and said: ‘Hey, baby, let me suck on your nipples.’
She snapped: ‘Watch it, buddy, I’ll have my boyfriend kick your ass.’
The guy simply laughed and said: ‘OK, why don’t I just give you a French kiss?’
‘Listen,’ she barked, ‘if you say one more thing to me, I’ll have my man kill you.’
The guy was undeterred. ‘OK. This is my final offer. I’ll hold you upside down, pour beer into your pussy and drink from it.’
In a rage, the girl marched straight over to her boyfriend.
‘See that guy over there,’ she said. ‘He told me he was going to lick my tits.’
‘I’ll kill him!’ yelled the boyfriend.
‘Wait! Then he said he was going to French kiss me.’
The boyfriend moved menacingly towards the guy, ready to rip him apart.
‘And,’ she added, ‘he also said he’d hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat and drink from me.’
The boyfriend stopped in his tracks. ‘Sorry, babe,’ he said, ‘I can’t mess with anyone who can drink that much beer.’
2154
Three fleas were sleeping on a woman. One was on her head, the second was in her armpit and the third was in her pussy. The next morning the three fleas met up on a passing dog and compared notes as to how they had slept.
The first said: ‘I slept on this really hard place. It had some hair, but it was very uncomfortable.’
The second said: ‘I slept in a place that was kinda wet, but it was warm and comfortable.’
The third flea said: ‘I slept in this dark cave and it was really nice. But as I was sleeping this big bald monster came in, woke me up, slammed me up against the wall a few times, and then spat in my damn face!’
2155
A woman with three vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem. The doctor responded by sewing up two of the holes, leaving just the middle one open.
‘Am I cured?’ she asked.
‘Not as such,’ he replied. ‘But it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre.’
2156
A guy was eating a girl out when he stopped for a second and moaned: ‘God, this pussy’s big! God, this pussy’s big!’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘but why did you say it twice?’
He said: ‘I didn’t.’
2157
An explorer in the Amazon jungle was searching for a lost tribe whose women were reputed to have vaginas that were three inches wide and twelve inches long. When he finally caught up with the chief of the tribe, the explorer asked whether this story was true.
‘Yes, it is,’ said the chief.
The explorer was amazed. ‘However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?’
The chief replied calmly: ‘They stretch.’
2158
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver: ‘I have a dead pussy.’
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said: ‘Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.’
2159
A man went into a chemist’s and started chatting to the pharmacist. In the course of the conversation, the pharmacist asked him if he had seen the shop’s newest product, the Artificial Vagina.
‘An artificial vagina?’ said the customer. ‘I don’t believe you!’
‘Well, I’ll show you one,’ said the pharmacist, fetching a box from beneath the counter.
‘Blimey!’ said the customer, examining the product. ‘It looks just like one!’
‘Give it a real test,’ said the pharmacist. ‘Smell it.’
‘Bloody hell! It smells just like one, too!’
‘A final test: just feel it.’
So the customer fingered it. ‘It’s amazing – it feels just like a real one. I’ll buy it.’
‘Should I wrap it up?’
‘No, I’ll eat it here.’
2160
A young white trash couple were having sex in a muddy cornfield one evening.
The guy said: ‘Can you check to see if it’s in you or if it’s in the mud?’
She reached down and checked. ‘It’s in the mud.’
‘Well, could you put it back in you?’ he asked.
She put it back in, and they continued having sex for a while until he asked again: ‘Can you check to see if it’s in you or if it’s in the mud?’
She checked again, and said: ‘It’s still in me, big fella!’
He said: ‘Um, could you put it back in the mud?’
SHEEP
2161
A Californian tourist was visiting Wyoming when he saw a flock of sheep being cared for by a handsome, strapping young man.
The tourist went over to the young man said: ‘With looks like yours, you could be in movies. What are you doing working as a mere shepherd?’
The guy replied: ‘I do it for the sex.’
‘For the sex?’ said the California, dumbfounded. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well,’ said the shepherd, ‘I pick me out a sheep, I take its two back legs and stick them in my boots, then I take the two front legs and put them over the fence. I tell you, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had!’
The next stop on the tourist’s itinerary was Montana, and there again he spotted a strong, handsome young man tending a flock of sheep. The curious Californian asked the guy why he devoted his life to looking after sheep when there were surely opportunities for him in Hollywood.
‘I do it for the sex,’ replied the shepherd.
‘How do you mean?’ asked the Californian.
The guy from Montana explained: ‘I find me a pretty sheep, and I take its two hind legs and I stick them in my boots. I take the two front legs and throw them over my shoulders. The sex is fantastic.’
The Californian said: ‘But in Wyoming, they throw the front legs over a fence.’
‘What?’ said the guy from Montana in disbelief. ‘You mean they don’t kiss?’
2162
Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in Montana? – Wool!
2163
Why do guys in Montana have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? – So they push back harder.
2164
What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats? – Bisexual.
2165
Three guys were riding in a pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
The guy from Ohio said: ‘I wish that was Angelina Jolie.’
The guy from Pennsylvania said: ‘I wish that was Sarah Michelle Gellar.’
The guy from Montana said: ‘I wish it was dark . . .’
SMALL ADS
What ‘women seeking men’ Classifieds Really Mean:
2166
40-ish means: 49
2167
Adventurer: Has had dozens of partners
2168
Affectionate: Possessive
2169
Artist: Unreliable
2170
Beautiful: Pathological liar
2171
Commitment-minded: Pick out curtains . . . now!
2172
Communication important: Just try to get a word in
2173
Contagious smile: Bring your own penicillin
2174
Educated: College dropout
2175
Emotional
ly secure: Medicated
2176
Employed: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
2177
Enjoys art and opera: Snob
2178
Free spirit: Substance abuser
2179
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
2180
Fun: Irritating
2181
Gentle: Comatose
2182
Good listener: Monosyllabic
2183
Humorous: Caustic
2184
Intuitive: Your opinion doesn’t count
2185
Light drinker: Lush
2186
Looks younger: If viewed from far away in bad light
2187
Loves animals: Cat lady
2188
Non-traditional: Ex-husband lives in the basement
2189
Open-minded: Desperate
2190
Outgoing: Loud
2191
Passionate: Loud
2192
Poet: Manic depressive
2193
Reliable: Frumpy
2194
Self-employed: Jobless
2195
Smart: Insipid
2196
Spiritual: Involved with a cult
2197
Stable: Boring
2198
Tall, thin: Anorexic
2199
Tanned: Wrinkled
2200
Wants soulmate: One step away from stalker
2201
Writer: Pompous
2202
A woman walking past a shop spotted an advert in the window: GOOD HOME WANTED FOR CLITORIS LICKING FROG.
So she went in and said to the guy behind the counter: ‘I’ve come about the clitoris licking frog.’
He said: ‘Oui, madame . . .’
SMELLS
2203
Wandering through a department store, two women stopped at the perfume counter where they picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.
‘That’s nice, isn’t it?’ she said, waving her arm under her friend’s nose.
‘Yeah,’ said her friend. ‘What’s it called?’
‘Viens à moi.’
‘Viens à moi? What’s that mean?’
A clerk offered some help, explaining: ‘Viens à moi, ladies, is French for “come to me”.’
The first woman took another sniff. ‘That doesn’t smell like come to me!’
2204
A girl was sitting in a train carriage when an old guy entered and sat opposite her, eating a tray of king prawns. His manners were appalling. He was belching and swearing and he took great delight in flicking the shells on the floor and at the girl. Finally he screwed up the polystyrene tray and threw it at her. While he roared with laughter, she calmly picked the prawn shells off the floor, threw them and the tray out of the window, and pressed the emergency stop.
‘You dumb bitch!’ he yelled. ‘That’s gonna cost you $100!’
‘Yeah,’ she replied, ‘but when the police smell your fingers, it’s gonna cost you ten years!’
2205
Every day at work, a man sidled up to a woman, took a deep breath, and told her that her hair smelt nice. After a week of this, the woman reported him to her boss for sexual harassment.
The boss was mystified. ‘What’s wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice?’
The woman replied: ‘He’s a midget!’
2206
When a guy couldn’t get a dance, his mate decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s the smell from your socks,’ he said. ‘Go home and change them, and you’ll have no trouble.’
So the guy went home but when he returned to the dance he still had no luck with the girls.
‘Did you change your socks?’ asked his friend.
‘Of course I did,’ he said, pulling them from his jacket pocket.
2207
A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. He came back with A Fish Called Wanda.
2208
A young guy spotted a gorgeous girl in a nightclub, so when the DJ played a slow number, he moved in and asked her for a dance. As they danced cheek to cheek, he said: ‘You smell really terrific. What’s that you have on?’
‘Chanel No. 5,’ she replied.
Keen to return the compliment, she said: ‘You smell good too. What is it that you have on?’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘I’ve got a hard on, but I didn’t think you could smell it.’
2209
An old man was giving an old woman cunnilingus. But after ten seconds, he raised and his head and said: ‘I can’t carry on. The smell is too bad.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘The smell must be down to my arthritis.’
‘How can arthritis cause such a bad smell?’ he queried.
‘It’s in my shoulders,’ she said. ‘It means I can’t wipe my ass properly.’
2210
A guy was alone in an elevator with a woman when he turned to her and said: ‘Can I smell your pussy?’
‘No, you can not,’ she snapped.
‘Oh, it must be your feet, then.’
2211
An Oklahoma City bar was sponsoring the ultimate politically incorrect contest by offering a cash prize to the guy who could bring on stage the wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. No sooner had the announcement been made than a local factory worker went up to the MC and said: ‘Buddy, that money’s as good as mine. In a few minutes I’ll bring my wife on stage – and, believe me, she has the smelliest pussy in the whole damn world!’
Five minutes later, true to his word, the guy dragged in a huge, bloated woman. ‘Look at her!’ roared the MC. ‘She’s so fat and bloated she can’t even walk! And, my God, her pussy stinks! I can smell her from here!’
When the woman reached the stage, the MC was prepared to concede the contest even before the guy pulled up her skirt and dropped her panties. And when he did remove her underwear, the stench was so vile that the audience began gagging and retching. The MC hurriedly handed over the prize money and said: ‘You win. No contest. But how the hell do you live with the smell of her pussy?’
‘It’s not really that difficult,’ replied the guy. ‘You kinda get used to it. The first three weeks after she died were the worst.’
SOCIAL WORKERS
2212
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of town one evening. Passing an alley, they heard moans and groans, and, on investigating, they found a man lying semi-conscious in a pool of blood.
‘Help me,’ he begged, his eyes almost shut, his face battered and bruised. ‘I’ve been mugged and viciously attacked.’
The social workers turned on their heels and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: ‘You know, the person that did this really needs help.’
2213
A social worker asked a colleague: ‘What time is it?’
‘Sorry,’ said the colleague, ‘I don’t know. I don’t have a watch.’
‘That’s OK. The main thing is, we talked about it.’
2214
In a perfect world, what question would a social worker ask of clients? – ‘Do you want fries with that?’
2215
A man was rushed to hospital after suffering a heart attack. The doctor told him bluntly that his only hope of survival was to have a heart transplant. Just then, a nurse ran in and said: ‘You’re in luck. Two hearts have just become available. One belongs to a lawyer and the other to a social worker. Which one do you want?’
The patient said: ‘The lawyer’s.’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 57