The doctor was surprised: ‘Are you sure? Wouldn’t you like to know a little more about the two people concerned before making your decision?’
‘I already know enough,’ said the man. ‘We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts, and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the lawyer’s.’
2216
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? – None, but it takes twelve to write a paper entitled ‘Coping With Darkness’.
2217
A social worker was confronted by a mugger with a gun.
‘Your money or your life!’ snarled the mugger.
‘I’m sorry, I’m a social worker, so I have no money and no life.’
SODOMY
2218
When three explorers were captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle, the chief announced that he was going to punish them. He called the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asked ominously: ‘Death or Booka?’ The explorer didn’t want to die, so he opted for ‘booka’. Hearing this, the tribe began screaming ‘Booka! Booka!’ and dancing around excitedly. The chief then ripped the explorer’s pants off and shafted him in the ass.
Then the chief called forward the second explorer and asked: ‘Death or Booka?’ Not wanting to die, he, too, opted for ‘booka’. The tribe again screamed ‘Booka! Booka!’ and danced around. The chief ripped the second explorer’s pants off and shafted him in the ass.
Then the chief called forward the third explorer and asked: ‘Death or Booka?’ The third guy had a little more self-respect and reckoned that even death would be preferable to being violated before hundreds of tribesmen, so he opted for death. At this, the chief turned to the tribe and screamed: ‘Death by Booka!’
2219
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and said. ‘If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?’
The guy looked at him in amazement and said: ‘Hell, no!’
‘If you felt further into your crack,’ continued the stranger, ‘and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?’
‘Of course not!’
‘Wanna go camping?’
2220
A man walked into a public toilet and began using one of the urinals. Looking to his left, he saw a very short man peeing too. Suddenly the short man looked up and the taller man was totally embarrassed about staring at the little fellow’s dick.
‘Sorry,’ said the taller man, ‘I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially for someone so small.’
‘Well,’ said the little man, ‘that’s because I’m a leprechaun. All leprechauns have huge penises.’
‘That’s incredible!’ said the taller guy. ‘I’d give anything to have one that long!’
‘Well, with me being a leprechaun and all, I can grant you your wish! If you let me take you into that cubicle over there and screw you, your wish will come true.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ said the man hesitantly. ‘But I guess no one will ever find out . . . so go on, then, what the hell!’
Soon the leprechaun was behind the taller man, humping away energetically. ‘Say,’ said the leprechaun, ‘how old are you?’
Finding it difficult to turn while being shafted so ferociously, the taller man said over his shoulder: ‘Er, thirty-six.’
‘Fancy that,’ said the little man. ‘Thirty-six and still believes in leprechauns!’
2221
The firemen finally brought a huge fire under control, and Chief Smith had all of his men accounted for except Olsen and Ravazzio. After a few minutes’ search, the chief looked down an alley, and there was Ravazzio, leaning over a trash can. His pants were down to his ankles, and Olsen was banging away from behind.
The chief yelled: ‘What the hell is going on?’
Olsen said: ‘Ravazzio passed out from smoke inhalation.’
The chief said: ‘Smoke inhalation? You’re supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!’
Olsen said: ‘I did, chief, but then one thing led to another . . .’
SOUTH AFRICANS
2222
A white South African went on holiday to Australia. Lying on the beach, he pointed out to sea and asked one of the locals: ‘What are those black dots?’
‘They’re buoys,’ replied the Australian.
‘And what are they doing?’
‘They’re holding up the shark nets.’
‘Gee, what a country!’ said the South African. ‘We’d never get away with that back home.’
SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS
2223
Stammerer: I hea . . . hea . . . heard tha . . . that you can hel . . . hel . . . help me.
Speech therapist: Certainly. Sit back in the chair, relax, look straight into my eyes and count slowly to ten.
Stammerer: O . . . one, t . . . two, th . . . th . . . three, f . . . f . . . four, f . . . f . . . five, s . . . s . . . six, s. . . seven, eight, nine ten. That’s wonderful. I’m cured. My nervous stammer has gone.
Speech therapist: That’s excellent. My fee is $500.
Stammerer: H . . . h . . . how m . . . m . . . much?’
2224
A guy who owned a horse stud farm got a call from a friend. ‘I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I’m sending him over.’
The midget arrived, and the owner asked if he wanted a male or female horse.
‘A female horth,’ replied the midget. So the owner showed him one.
‘Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?’ So the owner picked up the midget and showed him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?’ So the owner picked up the midget and showed him the horse’s eyes.
‘OK, what about the earsth?’ The owner was getting a bit fed up with this, but he picked up the midget one more time and showed him the horse’s ears.
‘OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.’ With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse’s twat. Then he pulled him out.
Shaking his head, the midget said: ‘Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!’
2225
Sitting in a bar, a man noticed a group of deaf and dumb people using sign language. He also spotted that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. The man was impressed to learn that the bartender had actually been taught to sign by the customers, who were regulars at the bar.
After admiring this scene for a few minutes, the man became aware that the people in the group were waving their hands about wildly. The bartender then looked over, signed, ‘Now, cut that out! I warned you!’ and threw the group out of the bar.
‘Why did you do that?’ inquired the man.
The bartender replied: ‘If I’ve told them once, I’ve told them a hundred times: no singing in the bar!’
2226
Three men were being treated for their stuttering by a gorgeous speech therapist who, struggling to make progress, decided on a reward system as an incentive. She said that she would have sex with whoever could tell her where he was born without stuttering.
The first guy said: ‘B-B-B-Belfast,’ and sat down, disappointed.
The second guy said: ‘D-D-D-Dublin,’ and he, too, sat down, dejected.
The third guy stood up and said: ‘London.’
So she immediately grabbed him and took him into the next room. Half an hour later, he returned grinning from ear to ear. Before restarting the session, the therapist asked if there was anything any of them wanted to say.
The third man raised his hand and said: ‘. . . d-d-d-derry.’
2227
A lady golfer was about to tee off when a man tapped her on the shoulder and held up a card, which said: ‘I am a deaf mute. Please may I play through?’
The woman yelled back: ‘Certainly not. You’ll wait your turn like everyone else. Wh
at makes you think you should receive preferential treatment?’ And with that, she sent her drive down the fairway.
A few minutes later she was lining up her putt on the green when a golf ball hit her on the head, knocking her out cold. She came round to see the deaf mute standing over her and holding up four fingers.
2228
A man saw an old schoolfriend driving up to a smart house. ‘Hey, you must have done well for yourself. What line of work are you in?’
The friend, who had a fearful stutter, replied: ‘Oh, j-j-j-just by selling c-c-c-copies of the B-b-b-bible d-d-d-door to d-d-d-door.’
‘Wow! You must really sell a lot of Bibles. What’s your secret?’
‘I j-j-just knock on p-p-people’s d-d-d-doors, show them a c-c-copy of the B-b-b-bible and ask them if they w-w-would rather b-b-buy it or have me r-r- r-read it to them.’
2229
A doctor was examining a young female patient.
‘Big breaths,’ he said.
‘Yeth,’ she replied. ‘And I’m still only thixtheen.’
2230
A huge muscular guy with a bad stutter went to a counter in a department store and asked: ‘W. . . w . . . w. . . where’s the m . . . m . . . m . . . men’s dep . . . p . . . p . . . partment?’
The clerk behind the counter just looked at him and said nothing.
The guy repeated himself: ‘W . . . w . . . w . . . where’s the m . . . m . . . m . . . men’s dep . . . p . . . p . . . partment?’
Again, the clerk didn’t answer him.
The guy asked several more times: ‘W . . . w . . . w . . . where’s the m . . . m . . . m . . . men’s dep . . . p . . . p . . . partment?’
Still the clerk ignored him. Eventually the guy stormed off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the big guy asked the clerk: ‘Why wouldn’t you answer his question?’
The clerk answered: ‘D . . . d . . . d . . . do you th . . . th . . . th . . . think I w . . . w . . . w . . . want to get b . . . b . . . b . . . beaten up?’
SPERM
2231
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
The man decided to strike up a conversation and asked her: ‘What are you here for?’
‘I’m here to donate some blood,’ she replied. ‘They’re giving me five dollars for it.’
‘Right,’ said the man. ‘I’m actually here to donate sperm. But they pay me $25.’
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple of months later, the same man and woman met again at the donation centre.
‘Hi,’ he called out. ‘Here to donate blood again?’
The woman shook her head with her mouth closed: ‘Unh, unh.’
2232
How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? – If the girl has to chew before she swallows.
2233
The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only two men made appointments – one came on the bus and the other missed the tube.
2234
A guy wearing a black ski mask walked into a sperm bank, pointed a gun at the woman behind the counter and yelled: ‘Open the safe!’
The woman protested: ‘But this isn’t a real bank, it’s a sperm bank.’
The robber insisted: ‘Open the safe or I’ll shoot!’
Terrified out of her mind, she opened the safe.
‘Now,’ barked the robber, ‘take one of the bottles and drink it.’
‘But these are sperm samples,’ she pleaded.
‘Just drink it!’ screamed the robber, his eyes flashing menacingly through his woollen mask. ‘Or I’ll shoot you dead.’
Trembling with fear, the woman gulped down the contents.
‘Now take another bottle and drink it,’ he ordered.
‘But I just drank one,’ she stammered.
‘Drink it or I’ll shoot you!’
Somehow she managed to drink the bottle.
As she swallowed the last drop, the guy took off his mask. It was her husband.
‘You see, honey,’ he said. ‘It isn’t so difficult, is it?’
2235
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? – Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
2236
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception. The instructor said: ‘As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you reach the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball, which is the egg. Address it and say, “I’m a sperm.” She will answer, “I’m the egg.” From that moment on, you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?’
The sperm nodded in the affirmative, and the instructor said: ‘Then good luck, chaps!’
Three days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw that he was way ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he got to the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and said: ‘Hi, I’m a sperm.’
The red, sticky ball smiled and said: ‘Hi, I’m a tonsil.’
SPORTS
2237
It was the final of the Olympic heavyweight-wrestling tournament between a Russian and an American. The Russian started as favourite by virtue of his infamous ‘pretzel’ hold, from which no wrestler had ever escaped. The fight was evenly balanced until suddenly, without warning, the Russian managed to trap the American in a deadly pretzel. The American coach held his head in despair. The end, it seemed, was imminent. In fact the coach was turning to collect his gear when a roar erupted from the crowd. He turned to see the Russian flying through the air. As the Russian landed, the American immediately pinned him to win the gold medal. The crowd went wild.
Afterwards the coach asked the American: ‘How did you get out of that pretzel hold? No one has ever done it before.’
The American wrestler admitted: ‘I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but then I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I bit them as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!’
2238
A swarm of flies were playing soccer in a saucer in a restaurant kitchen. After they had finished, one fly turned to another and said: ‘You’ll have to improve your game for tomorrow.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘We’re playing in the cup.’
2239
What’s the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? – At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
2240
A guy was drinking in a bar when he met up with a slim, attractive girl who turned out to be a female jockey. They ended up in bed together, and she promised to give him tips for the race meeting at which she was riding the following day. She said that she would tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the paddock.
Her first mount was in race two, and as she rode out of the paddock, she began rubbing both tits. The guy studied the racecard, saw Two Abreast, put $50 on, and it romped in at 5–1.
An hour later, she came out for race four, rubbing her finger around her eye. The guy noticed that Eyeliner was running in that race, put $50 on, and it came in at 3–1.
For the last race, she came out standing in her stirrups and rubbing her fanny. The guy was puzzled by this and backed nothing. Afterwards they met up and he thanked her for the winners in races two and four.
‘What about Itchy Mick in the last at 20–1?’ she asked.
‘Damn!’ said the guy. ‘I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!’
2241
Why is David Beckham like Ferrero Rocher? – They both come in a posh box.
2242
What’s the difference between David Beckham and Posh? – Posh Spice doesn’t kick back when she’s taken from behind.
2243
In a bid to speed up their pit stops, the Ferrari Formula One team sacked their entire pit crew and replaced them with local gang members who, it was said, could get the wheels off a car in less than four seconds without any proper equipment.
Come the day of the next Grand Prix and the gang members, working in the pits, did indeed change the tyres on Michael Schumacher’s Ferrari in under four seconds. But there was a problem: within ten seconds they had resprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the McLaren team.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 58