SURGERY
2244
A woman went to her doctor to tell him that she wanted an operation because the lips of her vagina were much too large. She asked the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agreed to her request.
Coming round from the anaesthetic after the operation, she was alarmed to find three bunches of flowers in vases next to her bed. Outraged, she immediately summoned the doctor.
‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’
‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t tell a soul. The first bunch of flowers is from me – I felt bad because you had to go through this all by yourself. The second bunch is from the nurse who assisted me with the operation, and she’d previously had a similar operation herself.’
‘What about the third bunch?’ demanded the woman.
‘That’s from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!’
2245
What’s the worst thing about getting a lung transplant? – The first couple of times you cough, it’s not your phlegm.
2246
A young man went into hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after a friend dropped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room at short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, give back rubs, etc. ‘Why all the attention?’ asked the friend. ‘You look fine to me.’
‘I know!’ grinned the patient. ‘It’s been like this ever since the nurses heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.’
2247
A married couple were involved in a terrible accident that left the woman with a badly burned face. The doctor told the husband that it was impossible to graft any skin from her body because she was so slim. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable was on his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell nobody where the skin came from, and also asked the doctor to honour their secret.
When the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. Indeed she looked more beautiful than ever. All her friends and family kept going on about her youthful looks. One day, alone with her husband, she was overcome with emotion at his generosity.
‘Darling,’ she said, ‘I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. You have saved my life. There is no way I could ever repay you.’
‘Honey,’ he replied, ‘think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’
2248
Two surgeons were chatting in the bar after a round of golf. When the conversation turned to work, one said: ‘I operated on Mr Reid the other day.’
‘What for?’ asked the other.
‘About $19,000.’
‘What did he have?’
‘Oh, about $19,000!’
2249
The surgeon said to the patient: ‘I have good news and bad news regarding your operation. The bad news is that it’s an extremely risky procedure, and your chances of survival are a hundred to one.’
‘Oh, my God!’ cried the patient. ‘So what’s the good news?’
The surgeon replied: ‘The good news is that my last ninety-nine patients died.’
2250
Following a dreadful accident with a chainsaw, a man’s penis was mangled and ripped from his body. The doctor assured the patient that whilst modern medicine could repair the damage, the surgery would not be covered by his insurance since it was classified as cosmetic. When the patient asked what the cost of a new penis was likely to be, the doctor quoted him $3,500 for a small, $7,000 for a medium and $15,000 for a large. Naturally the man said he wanted a large, but the doctor advised him to talk it over with his wife before coming to a final decision.
So the man phoned his wife and explained the different options. The doctor came back into the room a few minutes later and found the man looking thoroughly dejected.
‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
The man answered: ‘She’d rather have a new kitchen.’
2251
Sam and John were out chopping wood when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took the severed limb and John to a local surgeon. The surgeon examined the wound and said: ‘You’re in luck. I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.’
Sam returned four hours later and the surgeon said: ‘I got done faster than I thought. John is down at the pub playing darts.’ So Sam went to the pub and, sure enough, John was there playing darts.
A few weeks later John cut his leg off in another accident. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John to the same surgeon. The surgeon studied the injury and said: ‘Legs are a little tougher. Come back in six hours.’
Sam returned six hours later and the surgeon said: ‘I finished early. John’s out playing soccer.’ Sam went to the local pitch and there was John playing soccer.
A few weeks later accident-prone John cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John back to the surgeon. The surgeon considered the situation and said: ‘Heads are really tough. Best come back in twelve hours.’
Sam returned twelve hours later, but the surgeon said: ‘I’m sorry, John died.’
Sam said: ‘I understand – heads are tough.’
The surgeon said: ‘Oh, no, the surgery went fine. He suffocated in that plastic bag.’
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery:
2252
Better save that – we’ll need it for the autopsy.
2253
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!
2254
Hand me that . . . uh . . . that uh . . . thingie.
2255
Come back with that! Bad dog!
2256
Ooops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
2257
You know, there’s big money in kidneys, and this guy’s got two of them.
2258
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change?
2259
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
2260
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
2261
OK, sho I’ve had a few drinksh (hic).
2262
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, what’s that?
2263
Damn! Page 39 of the manual is missing.
2264
Sterile, schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
2265
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
2266
Don’t worry, it’s probably sharp enough.
2267
The foot bone’s connected to the leg bone . . .
2268
Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
2269
Has anyone seen my watch?
2270
Damn! There go the lights again.
2271
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
2272
So which leg should it have been?
2273
Let’s hurry. I don’t want to miss Baywatch.
2274
Hey, Bill, unzip the bag on that one – he’s still moving.
2275
What do you mean, ‘You want a divorce’?
TATTOOS
2276
A girl told her boyfriend to prove his love for her by getting her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. He agreed, and when erect, it spelt out her name in full, but when limp it just said Wy.
After their wedding, they went to a nudists’ beach in Jamaica for their honeymoon. There, the husband spotted a black guy with Wy on his penis.
‘You must have a wife named Wendy too?’ sai
d the husband.
‘No, mine says, “Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day.”’
2277
A man went to a tattoo parlour and had the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’ tattooed on his dick. When he got home, he stripped off and showed his wife the aroused organ and its new tattoo.
‘What do you think?’ he asked.
‘What do I think?’ she yelled. ‘You tell me how to cook, how tell me how to dress, you tell me how to wear my hair, you tell me how to clean the house . . . and now you’re gonna put words in my mouth!’
2278
Two guys were sitting in a bar discussing their ideal date.
One said: ‘I always look for a woman with long blonde hair, long slim legs and a short skirt. Because when I see a woman like that, I reckon here’s a girl who knows what she wants and knows how to get it.’
The other said: ‘I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.’
‘Why a tattoo?’
‘Because when I see a woman with a tattoo, I think here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.’
2279
A man went to a tattoo artist and asked him to put a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
‘Why on earth do you want a tattoo of a $100 bill on your penis?’ asked the artist.
The man explained: ‘First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch the money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.’
2280
A guy and his new date were undressing in the bedroom. First, she spotted a NIKE tattoo on his shoulder. Then, as he took off more clothes, she saw a REEBOK tattoo on his ankle. ‘This guy’s got a training shoe fetish,’ she thought.
Then when he removed his last item of clothing, she recoiled in horror. For there on his penis was the tattoo AIDS. ‘No way am I going near that!’ she shrieked.
‘Relax,’ he said. ‘In a minute it’ll say ADIDAS.’
TEXAS
2281
A New Yorker was travelling in Texas around Christmas time. In the small town square he admired the nativity scene but was puzzled by one thing: the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.
Unable to work out why, he decided to ask the old woman who served at the town store.
‘Excuse me, ma’am,’ he said, ‘I’m not from these parts and I don’t understand why the three wise men are wearing firemen’s helmets.’
She snarled: ‘You darn Yankees, you never read your Bibles!’
‘I do,’ he protested, ‘but I don’t recall anything in the Bible about firemen.’
She grabbed a Bible from beneath the counter and frantically leafed through the pages. Then waving the book under his nose, she barked: ‘See, it says right here, “The three wise men came from afar . . .”’
2282
A professor at the University of Texas asked his students: ‘Who believes in ghosts?’ About half of them raised their hands. Then he asked how many thought they had seen a ghost. Around fifteen put their hands up. Next he asked how many present had touched a ghost. Five students raised their hands. ‘Finally, there’s one more question I want to ask: how many of you have made love to a ghost?’ Everyone looked around the hall to see if there would be any response until right at the back Bubba raised his hand.
The professor was overjoyed. ‘All the years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. Come on up here, young feller, and tell us about your experience.’
A grinning Bubba made his way to the front of the hall.
‘So, Bubba,’ said the professor, ‘tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.’
Bubba suddenly looked bewildered. ‘Heck! From way back there I thought you said “Goats”!’
2283
Three married guys died and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter asked the first guy: ‘Did you ever cheat on your wife?’
The guy answered truthfully: ‘Every chance I got.’
St Peter pointed to two doors, telling the guy to enter the second one. He then turned to the second guy and asked him: ‘Did you ever cheat on your wife?’
‘A couple of times,’ the guy muttered.
St Peter ordered him through door two. Then he asked the third guy: ‘Did you ever cheat on your wife?’
The guy gave it some thought and said: ‘Well, there was one time. You see, I was in this saloon in Texas, and I noticed they had only one cowgirl working there to look after all the guys. I asked the bartender how come, and he said: “She’s all we need. That filly can suck a baseball bat through a garden hose!” So that’s when I cheated on my wife.’
St Peter told the guy to enter door number one.
The guy asked: ‘What’s the deal? You sent the others to door number two.’
‘I know,’ said St Peter, ‘and they’re both going to hell. But you and I are going to Texas!’
2284
A businessman from California was chatting to a girl in a Texas bar. After a few drinks, he invited her to his hotel room, and she readily agreed. As she eagerly stripped off, he asked her how old she was.
‘Thirteen,’ she replied.
‘Thirteen!’ he exclaimed in horror. ‘My God! Get those clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here. Are you crazy?’
As she grabbed her things and headed for the door, she turned to him and said: ‘Superstitious, huh?’
Things You Won’t Hear In Texas:
2285
Duct tape won’t fix that.
2286
Actually, I’ll have a Heineken.
2287
We don’t keep firearms in this house.
2288
You can’t feed that to the dog.
2289
I thought Graceland was a bit tacky.
2290
No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
2291
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
2292
Oh, I just couldn’t. She’s only sixteen.
2293
We’re vegetarians.
2294
Do you think my gut is too big?
2295
Honey, we don’t need another dog.
2296
Spitting is such a vile habit.
2297
Trim the fat off that steak.
2298
No more for me, I’m driving tonight.
2299
A Texan went to Toronto on vacation. On the cab ride from the airport to his downtown hotel, he passed Queens Park.
‘What’s that?’ asked the Texan.
‘Oh, that’s Queens Park,’ said the cab driver. ‘It’s our provincial government – it’s like your state government. Those buildings are nearly two hundred years old and are pretty big.’
‘That’s nothing,’ said the Texan. ‘We have buildings much older than that back home and at least twice as large!’
Shortly afterwards they passed First Canadian Place.
‘What’s that?’ asked the Texan.
‘It’s the biggest office complex in the country,’ replied the cab driver. ‘It took nearly four years to build.’
‘That’s nothing,’ sneered the Texan. ‘In Houston we have buildings twice that big and built in less than half the time!’
By now the cabby was becoming irritated by the Texan’s boasting. Soon they drove past the CN Tower. The Texan leaned out of the window and stared up at the 1,850ft tower.
‘What’s that?’ he asked.
The cab driver said: ‘Damned if I know. It wasn’t there yesterday!’
2300
Why doesn’t Texas slide off into the Gulf? – Because Oklahoma sucks.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 59