The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes

by Geoff Tibballs

  2367

  A man went to his doctor and said: ‘I’m thinking about having a vasectomy.’

  ‘That’s a pretty big decision,’ said the doctor. ‘Have you talked it over with your family?’

  ‘Yeah, and they’re in favour, fifteen to two.’

  VERMONT

  2368

  Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Athens for souvenirs and autographs by posing as competitors.

  The first guy grabbed a small sapling, stripped off the branches and roots, walked up to the registration table and said: ‘Chuck Wagon, Canada, javelin.’ They gave him his hotel keys, meal tickets and passes, and wished him good luck.

  The second guy grabbed a manhole cover, walked up to the registration table and said: ‘Dusty Rhodes, Australia, discus.’ He, too, was admitted to the village and wished good luck.

  The third guy – a simple country boy – walked up to the registration table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He said: ‘Foster Bean, Vermont USA, fencing.’

  2369

  Three Americans were sitting in a bar. The guy from Maine said: ‘My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn’t have an automatic garage door!’

  The guy from Maryland said: ‘My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn’t even have a cellular phone!’

  The guy from Vermont said: ‘My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn’t even have a dick!’

  2370

  Two Vermont farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. They drove to market and sold all the melons for the same price they’d paid for them. After counting the money at the end of the day, they realized that they’d finished up with no more money than they’d started with. ‘See!’ said one. ‘I told you we should have got a bigger truck!’

  2371

  A Vermont couple’s sex life was so bad that they went out and bought a sex manual. ‘Honey,’ said the husband, ‘I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don’t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?’

  The wife agreed, and returned an hour later, very excited. ‘You should see the flavours they have!’ she said. ‘Strawberry, cherry, banana . . .’

  ‘What flavour did you get?’

  ‘Tuna.’

  VIAGRA

  2372

  A middle-aged guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription of the strongest Viagra available because he had got two young nymphomaniacs staying at his house for a few days.

  Later that week he went back to the doctor and asked for painkillers.

  ‘What’s the problem?’ asked the doctor. ‘Is your penis in that much pain?’

  ‘No,’ said the guy. ‘It’s for my wrists – the girls never showed up.’

  2373

  An old man went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

  ‘How many?’ asked the pharmacist.

  ‘Just a few,’ said the old man, ‘but can you cut each one into quarters?’

  ‘That’s too small a dose – tiny quarters of Viagra won’t get you through sex.’

  ‘That’s OK,’ said the old man. ‘I don’t think about sex any more. I’m too old. I just want it to stick out far enough so that I don’t pee on my shoes.’

  2374

  Did you hear about the new Viagra eye drops? – They make you look hard.

  2375

  Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? – A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

  2376

  Did you know that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? – It’s for dickheads.

  2377

  An old man stood up slowly and put on his coat.

  ‘Where are you going?’ asked his equally aged wife.

  ‘I’m going to the doctor’s.’

  ‘Are you sick?’

  ‘No, I’m going to get some of those Viagra pills.’

  At this, the wife climbed from her rocker and put on her coat.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m going to the doctor’s too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!’

  2378

  A man suffered serious sunburn after falling asleep on a Spanish beach. His wife rushed him to hospital where the doctor rubbed lotion over him and prescribed Viagra.

  ‘Viagra?’ exclaimed the wife. ‘What good is Viagra in his condition?’

  The doctor replied: ‘It will keep the sheets off him.’

  2379

  Did you hear about the guy who took a course of iron tablets along with Viagra? – Now his dick always points due north.

  2380

  A woman went to the doctor to discuss her husband’s sexual problems. The doctor said: ‘Just give him these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back.’

  The woman went home, handed the pills to her Italian cook, who was preparing for a large dinner party, and said: ‘Just put two of these in my husband’s dinner tonight.’

  Rushed off her feet, the cook was irritated by the request, and instead threw the whole packet into the soup. As the guests were sitting down to dinner, she rushed out of the kitchen and told the lady of the house that there was a problem. So the woman followed the cook into the kitchen and demanded to know what was going on.

  Breaking down in tears, the cook admitted: ‘I was in such a rush, I threw all of those pills into the soup. Now I don’t know what to do. The meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up!’

  2381

  What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? – He grows taller.

  2382

  What do you get when you smoke pot and take Viagra? – Stiff joints.

  2383

  What do the vacuum cleaner ‘Dirt Devil’ and Viagra have in common? – They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

  2384

  Did you hear about the guy who left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry? – Now the shirt is too stiff to wear.

  2385

  A woman asked her husband whether he’d like some breakfast. ‘Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice half of grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee?’

  He declined. ‘It’s this Viagra – it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’

  At lunchtime, she asked him again whether he would like anything. ‘How about a bowl of homemade soup and a chicken sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?’

  ‘No, sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s this Viagra – it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’

  At dinnertime, she asked again if he wanted anything to eat. ‘I could rustle up a tasty stir fry, I could put a pizza in the oven, or even go down the road and fetch a burger. What do you say? It would only take a few minutes.’

  ‘Thanks, but no,’ he replied. ‘It’s this Viagra – it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’

  ‘Well, then,’ she snapped, ‘would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!’

  2386

  Did you hear about the new type of Viagra, Viagra Lite? – It’s for people who only want to masturbate.

  2387

  A guy picked up his Viagra prescription at the pharmacy. He arrived home full of anticipation but decided to wait until his wife got back before taking one. In the meantime he left the pack open and unattended on the table, and his inquisitive pet parrot ate all the pills. When he realized what had happened, the man was seized with panic at what effect a heavy dose of Viagra might have on the parrot. So he shut the bird in the freezer to cool off.

  When his wife eventually arrived home, he forgot all about the parrot, and it was another four hours before he opened the freezer door. To his immense relief, the parrot was still alive, breathing heavily and dripping with sweat.

&n
bsp; ‘My God!’ exclaimed the man. ‘You’ve been in there for hours yet not only are you still alive, you’re sweating like crazy!’

  ‘Of course I’m sweating!’ said the parrot. ‘Have you ever tried to prise apart the legs of a frozen chicken?’

  VIBRATORS

  2388

  An old lady was walking down the street, shaking like hell. When she came across a sex shop, she looked in the window. Still shaking, she went in and stammered to the guy behind the counter: ‘Do you sell those big black dildos?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied the guy.

  ‘Well,’ said the little old lady, ‘can you tell me how to turn the damn things off?’

  2389

  What do tofu and a dildo have in common? – They’re both meat substitutes.

  2390

  How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? – The kid stutters.

  2391

  On his first day working at a sex shop, a young guy was left alone for the afternoon while his boss visited a supplier. The guy was nervous about dealing with the customer’s questions, but the boss assured him he would be fine.

  The first customer was an elderly white lady. ‘How much for the white dildo?’ she asked.

  ‘$35,’ he said.

  ‘And how much for the black one?’

  ‘Same price, $35.’

  ‘Right,’ she said. ‘I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.’ So she paid him and off she went.

  Shortly afterwards, an elderly black woman came in and asked: ‘How much for the black dildo?’

  ‘$35,’ he said.

  ‘How much for the white one?’

  ‘Same price, $35.’

  ‘Hmmm, I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before.’ So she paid him and left.

  An hour later, a young blonde woman came in and asked: ‘How much are your dildos?’

  ‘$35 for the white and $35 for the black.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ she said. ‘And how much is that tartan one on the shelf?’

  The young guy replied: ‘Well, that’s a very special dildo. It’ll cost you $250.’

  The blonde thought for a moment and said: ‘I’ll take the tartan one, I’ve never had a tartan one before.’ So she paid him and left.

  Finally the boss returned and asked: ‘How did you get on while I was gone?’

  The young guy replied: ‘I did really good. I sold one black dildo, one white dildo, and I sold your thermos for $250!’

  Why a vibrator is better than a man:

  2392

  It’s happy to keep going until you are satisfied.

  2393

  You can get another one that has better options whenever you want without being called a slut.

  2394

  It doesn’t care that you gained 10lbs.

  2395

  It doesn’t fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

  2396

  You don’t have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.

  2397

  You don’t have to tell the vibrator it’s the best you ever had.

  2398

  You know exactly where it’s been.

  2399

  It never drinks too much and embarrasses you.

  VIRGINITY

  2400

  Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous and apprehensive. Her mother reassured her: ‘Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’

  So Maria went upstairs to the bedroom where Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria immediately ran downstairs to her mother and said: ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest!’

  ‘Don’t worry, Maria, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’

  So Maria returned to the bedroom just as Tony was removing his jeans to reveal a pair of hairy legs. Maria ran straight downstairs to her mother, shouting: ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got hairy legs!’

  ‘Don’t worry, Maria, hairy legs are good in men. Go upstairs. Tony will take good care of you.’

  So Maria returned to the bedroom where Tony was now taking off his socks and on one foot he was missing three toes. Maria ran back downstairs. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’

  Her mother said: ‘Stay there and stir the pasta. This is a job for Mama.’

  2401

  What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? – Goes-in-tight.

  2402

  A virgin wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day she went to his parents’ house for dinner and afterwards they were walking through the fields when she saw two horses mating.

  ‘What are they doing?’ she asked.

  ‘They’re making love,’ said the boy.

  ‘What’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?’

  ‘Oh, uh, that’s his rope.’

  ‘Well, what are those two round things on the other end?’

  ‘Er, those are his knots.’

  ‘OK, OK,’ said the girl, happy with the explanation. ‘I get it.’

  As they continued to stroll, they came to a barn and went in. The girl announced: ‘I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.’

  Excited and surprised, he readily agreed, but suddenly she grabbed his balls and squeezed them hard.

  ‘Whoa! What are you doing?’ he shrieked in pain.

  ‘I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope.’

  2403

  A young guy was cuddling up on the sofa with his girlfriend, but just as he slid his hand up her skirt, his mother walked in. With a face like thunder, she ordered him into the kitchen.

  ‘Henry,’ she said, ‘I never want to see you doing that again.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because up between them legs is a black hole and it’s got teeth in it! If you put your hand near it again, it’ll bite your fingers off!’

  ‘OK, Mom,’ he agreed reluctantly, ‘I promise.’

  The young sweethearts continued dating and eventually they got married. On their wedding night, they climbed into bed together but then he rolled over and started to go to sleep.

  The frustrated bride pleaded: ‘Henry, I’ve been waiting years for this day. Make love to me.’

  ‘No way,’ he said. ‘My mother told me that up between your legs you’ve got a black hole with teeth in it and if I go near it, it will bite me!’

  Laughing, she rolled over, picked up a bedside torch and shone it between her legs.

  ‘Can you see any teeth up there?’ she demanded.

  ‘No,’ he answered meekly.

  She moved even closer and shone the torch once more. ‘Well, can you?’

  ‘No,’ he admitted, looking again. ‘There’s no teeth. But I’m not surprised, judging by the state of your gums!’

  2404

  A shy male virgin was introduced to a girl who would teach him a few things. They ended up in a hotel room for the night, and the girl took off her clothes and asked him: ‘Do you know what I want?’

  ‘No,’ he said.

  So she lay down on the bed, and asked him again: ‘Now do you know what I want?’

  ‘No,’ he answered.

  Not sure quite what she had to do to get the message across, she then spread her legs as far as she could. ‘Now do you know what I want?’ she purred.

  ‘Yeah, I know what you want,’ he said. ‘You want the whole damn bed to yourself!’

  2405

  The groom-to-be said: ‘I’m not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.’

  His friend said: ‘There’s an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, “Those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen,” you hit her with the shovel!’<
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  2406

  A young male virgin – a shy college freshman – was fortunate enough to have an experienced roommate who offered to fix him up with the campus floozy. The roommate said all you’ve got to do is show her a good time, and she’ll be over you like a rash.

  So the shy virgin wined her and dined her, and on the way home parked his car in a dark lane. Plucking up courage, he blurted out: ‘I sure would like to have a little pussy.’