The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
Page 64
2443
Two widows were talking in a nursing home. One said: ‘Rose has just cremated her fifth husband.’
‘That’s the way it goes,’ said the other. ‘Some of us can’t find a husband, and others have husbands to burn.’
WOMEN
2444
A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp. As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.
‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’
The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge from California to Hawaii? That’s an impossible engineering feat. For a start, how would the bridge supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Then there’s all the concrete and steel that would be needed. No, it can’t be done. Sorry, you’ll have to think of another wish.’
The guy thought for a few moments. ‘Well, I’ve been divorced three times, and I guess I just don’t understand women. They say I’m not sensitive enough or appreciative of their needs. But I can never read their minds and work out what makes them happy. Could you make me understand women?’
The genie said: ‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’
Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During An Argument:
2445
You’re so cute when you’re angry.
2446
Don’t you have some laundry to do or something?
2447
You’re just upset because you’re putting on weight.
2448
Wait a minute, I get it. What time of the month is it?
2449
You sure you don’t want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
2450
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
2451
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning.
2452
Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
2453
Whoa, time out! Football is on.
2454
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain’t loaded.
2455
If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who’s to blame? – The motorcyclist: he shouldn’t have been riding in the kitchen.
2456
Why don’t women wear watches? – There’s a clock on the stove!
2457
What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of Wise Men? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. But what would they have said as they left?
‘Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?’
‘That baby doesn’t look anything like Joseph!’
‘Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!’
‘Can you believe they let all those disgusting animals in there?’
‘I heard that Joseph isn’t even working right now.’
‘And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!’
‘Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?’
2458
What paralyses women from the waist down? – Marriage.
2459
Why do women have a hole between their legs? – So oxygen can get to their brain.
2460
What’s hard and long and screws women? – An I.Q. Test.
2461
A guy walked over to a beautiful woman in a bar and said: ‘Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’
‘It depends,’ she replied.
‘OK. How many men have you slept with?’
‘I’m not going to tell you that,’ she said. ‘That’s my business!’
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.’
2462
What is a woman’s idea of a perfect lover? – A man with a nine-inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.
2463
Why do female skydivers wear jockstraps? – So they don’t whistle on the way down.
2464
Why can’t women read maps? – Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equalling a mile.
2465
If you go to bed eight hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have an hour of sex, how much sleep will you get? – Seven hours, fifty-nine minutes: who cares what she wants!
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life:
2466
1.
The Doctor – who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes’.
2467
2.
The Dentist – who tells her to ‘open wide’.
2468
3.
The Milkman – who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
2469
4.
The Hairdresser – who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
2470
5.
The Interior Designer – who assures her ‘once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!’
2471
6.
The Banker – who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest’.
2472
7.
The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘keep quiet and lie still!’
2473
Recent scientific tests have proved that the most intelligent gene can be found in women. Unfortunately ninety-eight per cent of them spit it back out.
2474
Why don’t women have brains? – They don’t have a cock to keep them in.
2475
What do you do if your boiler explodes? – Buy her some flowers.
2476
Why do men fart more than women? – Women don’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
2477
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? – None. Let the bitch cook and clean in the dark.
2478
Seeing Adam looking dejected, God went over to him and asked: ‘What’s the matter?’
‘There’s no one for me to talk to,’ moaned Adam.
God revealed: ‘Actually, Adam, I’ve got some good news for you. I’m going to give you a companion, and it will be a woman. This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with whatever you say. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’
Adam was impressed, but inquired cautiously: ‘What would a woman like this cost?’
God said: ‘An arm and a leg.’
‘What can I get for a rib?’ asked Adam.
The rest is history . . .
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:
2479
You can enjoy a beer all month.
2480
A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
2481
You can share a beer with your friends.
2482
You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
2483
A beer is always wet.
2484
After you have a beer, you’re committed to nothing more than dumping the empty bottle.
2485
Beer looks the same in the morning.
2486
Beer doesn’t have a mother.
2487
If you change beers, you don’t have to pay alimony.
2488
Beer labels come off without a fight.
2489
/>
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
2490
If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
2491
Beer stains wash out.
2492
When beer goes flat, you throw it out.
2493
Beer doesn’t mind being on the wet spot that IT left.
2494
A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
2495
You can’t catch anything but a buzz from beer.
2496
A Space Shuttle mission to the moon had a crew of two monkeys and a woman. Three hours into the mission, NASA announced: ‘Monkey number one, Monkey number one, to the television screen.’ The monkey sat down and was told to release the pressure in compartment two, increase the temperature in engine four, and release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey released the pressure, increased the temperature, and released oxygen.
Thirty minutes later, NASA called again. ‘Monkey number two, Monkey number two, to the television screen.’ The monkey sat down and was told to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment, and analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey added the carbon dioxide, stopped the fuel injection, added nitrogen, and performed a detailed analysis.
Twenty minutes later, the woman was called to the screen. Before NASA could issue any orders, she said: ‘I know! I know! Feed the monkeys, don’t touch anything . . .’
2497
A recent survey asked a hundred sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. Ninety-six per cent replied: ‘No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep.’
2498
What should you give a woman who has everything? – Penicillin.
2499
What does it mean when a woman is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? – You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
2500
A psychiatrist was sitting in a bar chatting to a friend. ‘See that guy over there?’ said the psychiatrist. ‘He claims to understand women.’
‘Is he a colleague of yours?’ asked the friend.
‘No,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘He’s one of my patients.’
Clues That a Woman Should Call It a Night:
2501
You believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your ass while yelling ‘Woo-hoo’ is truly the sexiest dance move around.
2502
On your last trip to the toilet, you had begun to look like a drag queen.
2503
You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them sooooo much.
2504
You’ve suddenly decided you want to kick someone’s ass, and you honestly believe you can do it.
2505
You’ve found a deeper, more spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.
2506
You loudly accuse the bartender of giving you just lemonade, but that’s only because you can no longer taste the vodka.
2507
The man you’re flirting with used to be your geography teacher.
2508
The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
2509
You start every conversation with a booming, ‘DON’T take this the wrong way, but . . .’
2510
You fail to notice the toilet lid is down when you sit on it.
2511
Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
2512
You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.
2513
Your eyes just don’t seem to want to stay open on their own, so you keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
2514
You take off your shoes because you believe it’s their fault that you’re having problems walking straight.
2515
You’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
2516
You’re due to start work in three hours.
2517
You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
2518
A boy at school overheard the older kids talking about pussy and their bitch. That evening the boy asked his father: ‘Dad, what’s a pussy?’
His father was watching baseball on TV and didn’t want to be distracted, so he quickly grabbed a copy of Penthouse, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the vagina and said: ‘Son, that’s a pussy.’
The boy took this in and a few moments later asked: ‘Then, dad, what’s a bitch?’
The father replied: ‘That’s everything outside the circle.’
Things You’ll Never Hear a Woman Say:
2519
I’m bored. Let’s shave my fanny.
2520
Shouldn’t you be down at the pub with your mates?
2521
That was a great fart! Do another one!
2522
You’re so sexy with a hangover.
2523
Let’s start subscribing to Penthouse.
2524
Just for a change, can we try anal sex tonight?
2525
I think buying a big motorbike is a great idea.
2526
I know you’re already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?
2527
Anywhere you like, it’s really good for my skin.
2528
This diamond is way too big.
2529
I’m wrong, you must be right again.
2530
‘Good afternoon, ladies,’ said Sherlock Holmes to three women sitting on a London park bench.
‘Do you know those women?’ asked his faithful companion, Dr. Watson.
‘No,’ said Holmes as the pair continued walking, ‘I don’t know the spinster, the prostitute and the new bride.’
‘Good heavens, Holmes! If you don’t know them, how can you be so sure that they are what you say?’
‘Elementary, my dear Watson,’ explained Holmes, glancing back. ‘Do you see how they are eating bananas?’
‘So?’
‘Well, Watson, the spinster holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to break the banana into small pieces which she puts into her mouth.’
‘I see what you mean, Holmes. That’s amazing! What about the prostitute?’
‘She holds the banana in both hands and crams it into her mouth.’
‘Holmes, you’ve surpassed yourself! But how do you know the other woman is a new bride?’
‘Simple,’ said Holmes. ‘She holds the banana in her left hand and uses her right hand to push her head towards the banana.’
2531
How are women like tornadoes? – They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.
2532
Why do women have arms? – Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
2533
How is a carton of milk like a woman? – You need to push the flaps back before you can get to the good bits.
38 Things Women Can’t Do:
2534
1.
Know anything about a car except its colour.
2535
2.
Go 24 hours without sending a text message.
2536
3.
Understand a movie plot.
2537
4.
Lift.
2538
5.
Throw.
2539