6.
Catch.
2540
7.
Park.
2541
8.
Fart.
2542
9.
Read a map.
2543
10.
Resist Ikea.
2544
11.
Sit Still.
2545
12.
Play pool.
2546
13.
Eat a kebab whilst walking.
2547
14.
Pee out of a train window.
2548
15.
Argue without shouting.
2549
16.
Get told off without crying.
2550
17.
Understand fruit machines.
2551
18.
Clear their throat noisily.
2552
19.
Walk past a shoe shop.
2553
20.
Not comment on a stranger’s clothes.
2554
21.
Use small amounts of toilet paper.
2555
22.
Let you sleep with a hangover.
2556
23.
Drink a pint gracefully.
2557
24.
Throw a punch.
2558
25.
Do magic.
2559
26.
Enjoy porn.
2560
27.
Eat a really hot curry.
2561
28.
Get to the point.
2562
29.
Take less than twenty minutes in the bathroom.
2563
30.
Avoid credit card debt.
2564
31.
Dive into a pool.
2565
32.
Assemble furniture.
2566
33.
Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.
2567
34.
Set a video recorder.
2568
35.
Not try and change you.
2569
36.
Buy a purse that fits in their pocket.
2570
37.
Choose a video quickly.
2571
38.
Get this far without having argued about at least one of the above.
2572
Which is the odd one out – a TV, a fridge, a washing machine, or a woman? – A TV, because the other three leak when they’re fucked.
2573
What’s the difference between pink and purple? – The grip!
If Women Ruled the World:
2574
Men would get ‘reputations’ for sleeping around.
2575
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
2576
A man would no longer be considered a ‘good catch’ simply because he is breathing.
2577
Women with cold hands would give men prostate examinations.
2578
PMS would be a legitimate defence in court.
2579
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
2580
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there’d be no pictures.
2581
Men would learn phrases like ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I love you’ and ‘Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit’.
2582
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
2583
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
2584
Men who designed women’s shoes would be forced to wear them.
2585
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40lbs.
2586
During a mid-life crisis, men would get hot flushes and women would date nineteen-year-olds.
2587
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men’s Advice to Women:
2588
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
2589
Don’t cut your own hair. Ever.
2590
Don’t make us guess.
2591
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
2592
Don’t feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: we’re just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
2593
Sometimes he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
2594
Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different – it’s just like every other cat.
2595
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
2596
Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because it was on sale.
2597
Crying is like blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
2598
The quarterback who just got pummelled isn’t trying to be brave. He’s just not crying. Big difference!
2599
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
2600
‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers.
2601
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex in the morning.
2602
If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it.
2603
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
2604
Check your oil.
2605
Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.
2606
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
2607
When the waiter asks if everything’s OK, a simple ‘yes’ is fine.
2608
If you think fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2609
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range: we’re bound to miss sometimes.
2610
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
2611
Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
2612
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
2613
Women wearing Wonderbras or low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
2614
Why hasn’t a woman walked on the moon? – Because it doesn’t need cleaning.
2615
I’m Glad I’m a Woman:
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don’t live off Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won’t drive to hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down.
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt,
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around ‘readjusting’ my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind,
I’m a woman, you see – I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I can sing,
And that I don’t have b
ody hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can’t see three inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb,
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few strands pulled from over the side,
I’m a woman, you know – I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don’t swagger and spit like some Neanderthal.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club for Men, or think with my dick.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you feel sad and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep.
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
WORK
2616
A woman called her boss one morning and told him she was staying home because she didn’t feel well.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.
‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she replied wearily.
‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’
‘I just can’t see my ass coming in to work today.’
2617
Two guys were discussing the new office secretary. Don said to Mike: ‘I dated her last Wednesday and we had great sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife.’
Three days later, Mike told Don: ‘I dated the new secretary, too, and we had great sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed.’
2618
As an executive entered the office elevator, a woman inside muttered, ‘T-G-I-F.’ He smiled and replied, ‘S-H-I-T.’ The woman looked bemused and repeated, ‘T-G-I-F,’ but once again the man answered, ‘S-H-I-T.’
The woman said: ‘Do you know what I’m saying? T-G-I-F means, “Thank God it’s Friday.”’
‘I know,’ replied the man. ‘But S-H-I-T means, “Sorry, Honey, it’s Thursday.”’
2619
A secretary came in late for work for the fourth morning in a row. The boss called her into his office. ‘Look, Tracy,’ he said, ‘I know we had a fling a while back, but that’s all over now. I can’t be seen to be doing you any favours, so I expect you to behave like any other employee. Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here?’
She replied: ‘My lawyer.’
2620
A railway worker was writhing in agony on the station floor.
‘Are you OK?’ asked a concerned passenger.
‘I’ll be all right in a few minutes,’ he groaned.
‘Why? What’s wrong?’
‘I’m busting for a shit, but I don’t start work for another ten minutes!’
2621
Two women were discussing the trials of work. One said: ‘We have introduced Friday as a casual day, so that we can wear what we like to the office. It actually makes us more focused, which is essential in the insurance business.’
The other said: ‘At work we now have one day a week where we just leave the phones ringing and don’t answer them, which is good because it really can get quite stressful at the Samaritans.’
2622
After being made redundant at a Belfast factory, two men signed on for unemployment benefit. The first man told the clerk that he was a panty stitcher and was awarded £200 a week in benefits. The second man told the clerk he was a diesel fitter and was given £250 a week in benefits.
When the first man learned that his friend was receiving more money, he complained bitterly to the clerk. ‘Why should a diesel fitter get more than a panty stitcher?’ he demanded.
The clerk explained: ‘The additional money is a new grant given to skilled workers. Engineers such as diesel fitters are eligible.’
‘He was never an engineer,’ stormed the man. ‘He was in quality control. After I’d stitched a pair of panties, I’d give them to him. If he could pull them over his arse, he’d say, “Yeah, diesel fitter.”’
2623
A guy had a tomcat that howled all night, so he took it to the vet to have it castrated. But even after the operation it still howled all night.
The guy asked the cat: ‘Why do you keep making that noise?’
The cat said: ‘Well, now I’m a consultant.’
2624
Three senior managers were arguing about sex. One insisted that sex was fifty per cent work and fifty per cent fun; another claimed that it was seventy-five per cent work and twenty-five per cent fun; and the third thought it was ninety per cent work and only ten per cent fun. Just then the young office junior walked by, so they asked him what he thought the answer was.
After a moment’s thought, he declared: ‘Sex is 100 per cent fun.’
‘How do you work that out?’ asked one of the managers.
‘Easy,’ replied the junior. ‘If there was any work involved, you’d be making me do it for you!’
Excuses For Missing Work:
2625
If it’s all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2626
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
2627
I can’t come in today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2628
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
2629
I just found out I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing that my employee records may now contain false information.
2630
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
2631
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in interest rates.
2632
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
2633
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead, and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
2634
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
2635
I have a rare case of forty-eight-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet . . .
2636
I prefer to remain an enigma.
2637
Two young guys from Cleveland drove down to New Orleans. A few miles outside New Orleans, they picked up a girl and offered her a lift into the city.
‘What do you two boys do, then?’ she asked in a sexy voice.
Trying to impress her, the driver said: ‘I’m with GM.’
‘Yeah?’ she said.
‘Yeah, I’m general manager with General Motors.’
Inventing something equally impressive, the guy in the passenger seat said: ‘And I’m with GE.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah, I’m general manager of General Electric. What about you?’
‘I’m with VD,’ said the girl.
‘Are you the general manager?’ asked the driver.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 65