Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Each activity must be seen by at least one homey.

  The point value is rated on the Flipometer, where a point value of “1” is a neat honorable, sweet, or crazy act. And a point value of ”10” is a totally sweet honorable, sweet, or crazy act. (So it’s possible to perform a totally sweet, sweet act.)

  After all the points have been totaled for the specified time period, the player with the most N-points wins.

  Note, each player is on the honest system. Lying about doing something cool is not cool.

  EXHIBIT A: HISTORY PAPER ON RITALIN

  Benjamin Franklin

  by Robert Hamburger

  Benjamin Franklin is good. He helped make the Declaration of Independence AND invented electricity. He was born in Boston in 1707. He was always questing to be perfect. He invented the slogan “practice makes perfect.” We should all try to be perfect everyday. But, eventually, Benjamin Franklin never became perfect. And there was a revolution, not because of him, though. Many people died in the war, except Benjamin Franklin. He lived in Boston.

  On April 17, 1790, Benjamin Franklin finally died. Over 20,000 people attended his funeral. But his life is best summed up by the epitaph on his gravestone “Goodbye everyone, till we meet again in heaven with our dad, Jesus Christ.”

  EXHIBIT B: HISTORY PAPER OFF RITALIN

  Benjamin Franklin

  by Robert Hamburger

  Benjamin Franklin killed somebody once. And he porked a turtle, too—a big one. Let me explain.

  August 2, 6:19 P.M. Benjamin Franklin left his home to meet Joseph Quimby, a typesetter whom Franklin befriended twenty-one hours prior. It was not uncommon those days for two people to develop a friendship for the stupidest reasons. And Mr. Quimby and Mr. Franklin did just that. They had first met at a roller rink. Both men wore a size ten-and-a-half skate and there was only one pair of size ten-and-a-half skates left at the rink. This produced scuffling. But Franklin had an idea. He had Mr. Quimby stand next to him, side by side, and they fastened their belts together. Now, with Franklin on the left side and Quimby on the right, Franklin put on the left skate, while Quimby put on the right. And together, for at least fifteen minutes, they locked arms and skated as one. Several people gasped, but got over it. And afterward, they decided to be friends and exchanged numbers. But that’s neither here nor there. What’s important is that in one hour, Quimby would be dead and Franklin would be inside another species.

  August 2, 6:49 P.M. Franklin arrived at the Quimby residence. It was warm outside, but not too warm.

  August 2, 6:50 P.M. Quimby answered the door. They began fighting.

  August 2, 6:52 P.M. The two stopped fighting and Quimby invited Franklin inside for coffee. According the maid, Katherine O’Foley, the pair sat in the study and looked out the window for five minutes. They were friends now and everybody knew it.

  August 2, 7:02 P.M. After some chitchat, Franklin confronted Quimby about thinking he was too cool to hang out with him. According to the maid, Quimby denied the accusation and tried to explain why he didn’t hang out earlier that afternoon. But when Franklin began screaming, Ms. O’Foley ran from the house to find help. What happened thereafter is pure speculation.

  August 2, approximately 7:15 P.M. Evidence from the scene suggests that Quimby ran behind his desk and hid underneath. Franklin then turned over the desk and dragged Quimby toward the center of the room. There, Franklin scratched up the victim’s face with his claws and bit his chest open.

  August 2, approximately 7:20 P.M. As the victim’s body lay face up, Franklin unzipped his tights and urinated on it, repeating, “We destroy to rebuild—and through this process comes perfection. But, in the end, we discover perfection is also empty, just as a friendship founded on roller skates.” Before finishing, Franklin noticed a hairless green head peering through the window, fogging up the pane with panic. This little head was attached to a Galapagos turtle,267 who had seen everything. Mr. Franklin scurried to the window. Determined to escape, the turtle tried desperately to walk away, but the old man was pissed. Franklin grabbed the turtle and slapped him on Quimby’s chest. Instinctively, the animal retracted all its limbs inside the impenetrable shell.

  August 2, approximately 7:24 P.M. After having little success cracking it open, Benjamin Franklin had the idea to get the turtle to peak his head out the shell. So, once again, he unzipped his tights and, with his chicken-colored chest exposed, he lay with the turtle in feigned passion. Appalled, the turtle popped his head out to reprimand the assailant. But just then, Franklin grabbed the head with his thumb and forefinger and, with a light tug, detached it from the body and popped it in his mouth like a peanut.

  Benjamin Franklin died on April 17, 1790. Over 20,000 people attended his funeral. But his life is best summed up by the epitaph on his grave-stone: “Yo, I invented electricity—so get out of my face.”

  EXHIBIT C: POPULAR GIRL’S NOTE

  Sally,

  Here’s the hot scoop. Tanya likes Billy, but Billy doesn’t know. Tanya thinks Billy likes Maria. But everybody thinks that just ‘cause he sits next to Maria during math, but Billy just does that so he can copy her homework. O.K.? Now I heard from Michelle that Tanya would dry ride anybody. I think it’s true—you should see how she eats a lollipop. So we can’t let her find out that Billy doesn’t really like Maria! Now, if someone would just tell Tanya that Mike likes her and that he would like to dry ride “sometime” then maybe she would leave Billy alone. I’m just saying that it might be a good idea, ’cause I heard from somebody that I like Billy and it might be true. But who knows for sure? Oh, and by the way, you know Robert-the-freak? He is so weird! Yesterday, he ate eight bowls of spicy chili during lunch and he’s the one who puked on the stairs. And now Ms. Cray will be in the hospital till Thursday, which sucks because she’s so cool!

  Peace!

  Cathy

  EXHIBIT D: A ONE HUNDRED-WORD ESSAY

  Kicking

  by Robert Hamburger

  Kicking people is bad. Many people get seriously hurt from kicking each year and they should not have to live with that. Nobody should. And when some people can’t control themselves, stuff like that happens. People like me, who can’t control themselves, have to realize that other people have dreams and fantasies they can’t pursue if they get kicked. Other people deserve better. Therefore, kicking is bad and people shouldn’t ever do it, because it’s wrong and it ruins the lives of everyone involved. I promise I will never do it again. And I apologize to Margaret and her family.

  EXHIBIT E: IRS LETTER TO MR. AND MRS. HAMBURGER

  Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger,

  This letter is in reply to your queries regarding your son, Robert Hamburger. You are correct that to claim Robert as a dependent in your 1040 tax form, you are required to provide the necessities of living—food, shelter, clothing—and that under IRS publication 17, Chapter 3, you needn’t afford Robert toys or take him to the zoo or be emotionally available. Such activities are beyond the scope of personal exemptions for dependents.

  Furthermore, it also isn’t necessary for you to keep the same last name as Robert. You are free to change your last name if you feel embarrassed of his behavior. You only need to contact the IRS regarding such a change so that your forms are processed properly for next year’s return (form 8822, line 5).

  Lastly, I am not familiar enough with children to make any legitimate diagnosis of your son’s problem. Though, my sister’s boy was obsessed with ponies a couple years ago. But after his parents told him that only girls like ponies and consistently humiliated him in front of family and friends, he gave in and started hating ponies. You might want to try something like that. It was quite effective in my nephew’s case.

  Thanks,

  Cindy Ordonez

  Internal Revenue Service

  NINJA MAP

  Lava pit

  This where the lava snakes and lava monkeys are. Most people don’t know that, but it’s nothing to really worry about because as long as
you run through this part, you’ll be fine.

  Ms. Evan’s house

  She never cuts her lawn, because of laziness. So the grass is long. This is a good spot for ninjas to hide and throw stuff into the street.

  Graveyard

  This is where the graveyard is at. It’s not a real graveyard though, because nobody died there, but this kid Mike fell asleep here and nobody could find him for a couple hours. And now it’s full of ghosts.

  Crazy People Live Here

  These people are crazy. They tried selling their house a while ago and they were talking to this lady and they were like, “Do you want it?” And the lady was like, “No,” because the walls were carpeted and there was chicken blood all over the place.

  Ninja Lookout

  This is were ninjas can see who’s coming in and out of the neighborhood. It doesn’t belong to anybody, but there’s a box of porno magazines up in that tree.

  Ninja Hideout

  This is where a ninja clan lives. Mark said he saw a few sleeping there one night, but it was really late. He said that he was freaking out when he saw them laying there, under grass blankets. Dad said he hit a ninja late at night, and he had me go outside to show me the dent on his car, and he said that it proved ninjas were vulnerable and boring. He’s a liar.

  Bathroom

  Ninjas go to the bathroom here. Sometimes it’s in large clumps and other times it’s in small pellets.

  GLOSSARY

  Baby-sitter: Someone who your mom pays to play with you. They’re fun to hang out with, but they just leave you feeling empty at the end of the summer.

  Boner: When you look at Mom’s magazines and can’t look away.

  Child psychiatrist: Asshole.

  Diaper: Basically, they’re pants for babies and artists.

  Dogs: What a mom should be, minus the fur.

  Emotions/Sensitivity: Something little diaper babies have.

  Expressing yourself: Something you do if you can’t get a real job.

  Father: An adult male that produces offspring for spanking purposes.

  Frenching: Putting your tongue all the way inside someone’s ear and leaving it there for over three seconds.

  Friendship: Something that should last forever, but some people are idiots.

  Hippos: The most underrated mammal to ever exist. Most people don’t like them because they don’t know them or they’re just jealous.

  Japan: Asian country, island.

  Ki: An energy that happens when you think about the last time you were spanked. You can focus that energy into power.

  Karate: A fighting style that ninjas scoff at because it’s strictly for retards.

  Kitana: Ninja weapon.

  Mother: Similar to a father, but owns a vagina.

  Ninja: A deadly assassin who has the power to do whatever he wants no matter what.

  Numchucks: Ninja weapon.

  Pork: When you pork a hot babe.

  Puberty: Leaving your friends behind.

  Pubic hair: Foreshadowing.

  Sai: Ninja weapon.

  Seat belt: A life saving device in cars. My friend Mark’s dad says that we should always wear our seat belts. He worked as a car repair man for fifteen years and, believe me, he’s picked out enough hair from broken windshields to know what he’s talking about.

  Sensei: Teaches the ninja how to be a ninja.

  Slam dunk: When somebody jumps up and slams the ball right into the basket.

  Sleep-over: When one buddy likes another buddy more than a classmate, but less than a husband, he’ll propose to have the buddy sleep over for pizza and pop.

  Sperm: White pee.

  Throw up: What you have to clean up with your towel when Mom takes too many pills.

  Treason: Saying you’re gonna hang out, but never showing up.

  Vagina: Where babies pop out and boners pop in.

  Women: Vomitable, except the hot ones.

  Ying and yang: Ying represents total sweetness, hanging out, relaxing, and just plain coolness. And the Yang represents people who can’t shut their mouth. The two fight against each other non-stop. An imbalance in your Ying Yang can cause illnesses like mumps, measles, or even chicken pox.

  Zen: Most people believe that Zen is becoming one with a hot babe or with yourself when your parents aren’t home. Others believe Zen is like Nirvana, but without the sleeping bags—if you know what I mean. I don’t know what to believe. I guess it’s just a really nice place.

  QUIZ

  Since you finished reading my book about ninjas, you can now test your ninja knowledge. But, if you didn’t read the book yet, you can test yourself to see if you need to. And if you only read half, you can see if need to read the other half. After taking the test, you can also see what belt you are. Good luck, amigos!

  1. Which is the sweetest? A. Samurais

  B. Ninjas

  C. Aliens

  D. Pirates

  2. What would a ninja want to do most? A. Eat a bowl of soup out of an exploded skull

  B. Strangle somebody with pajama pants

  C. Kill somebody right when they get off death row after being proven innocent

  D. Bite somebody’s finger just as they bite into a hot dog, applying the same amount of pressure as victim uses on the hot dog

  3. Where do most ninjas hang out? A. Friend’s house

  B. Forest

  C. Dojos

  D. City

  4. What is a ninja’s favorite meal? A. Breakfast

  B. Lunch

  C. Beating somebody’s ass HARD, because they can’t shut their mouth

  D. Dinner

  5. How do ninjas eat? A. With their hands

  B. With someone else’s hand

  C. With pizzazz

  D. With a buddy

  6. If someone bumps into a ninja on the street, a ninja will probably A. Say he’s sorry, because it’s not worth getting into a big fight over such a silly thing.

  B. Smile and excuse himself, because it might have been his fault—who knows?

  C. Use this as a chance to introduce himself, because we’re all in this together and any opportunity to exchange human warmth is truly worthwhile in such a cruel and lonely world.

  D. Fill the guy’s mouth full of ninja stars, because he probably bumps into people all day and laughs about it at home cause he’s a frigg’n asshole.

  7. Which epitaph is a real ninja epitaph? (Epitaphs are the things written on grave stones.) A. Yo, whoever did this is frigg’n dead.

  B. THIS IS BULLCRAP!

  C. I’d like to give a shout out to my homeboys, Tyrone, Jesse, Ice-Caream, Shauntell, and Crazy Nutz. PEACE.

  D. I came. I saw. I crapped my pants.

  8. A ninja is playing at a friend’s house when the friend goes to the bathroom and leaves the ninja alone with a room full of toys. Does the ninja . . . A. Continue to play quietly till the buddy comes back and doesn’t ask any questions about their poop?

  B. Go bang on the bathroom door, screaming for them to hurry up, ‘cause sometimes a bunch of toys doesn’t make the emptiness go away?

  C. Just leave, ’cause his buddy should have waited to go till they were completely finished playing ’cause that’s what people do?

  D. Sprinkle pubes on his pillow case?

  9. What does a ninja do if he’s playing a board game with someone and he starts losing the game? A. Calmly flip the game over so the pieces spray everywhere and start saying what a bunch of bullcrap the whole thing is

  B. Politely excuse himself to take a dump and then escape through the bathroom window so he never actually loses the game

  C. Start kicking his feet nonstop and screaming

  D. Spit up all over his chest

  10. What would a ninja do if somebody asked him what time it was? A. Peacefully look at his watch and say the time nicely and calmly

  B. Pretend that he didn’t hear the guy, but if he asks again, the ninja would start running

  C. Smile and start talking abou
t the history of clocks and bedtimes and stuff

  D. Pull up his sleeve, revealing his badass watch and when the guy bends over to look, the ninja would snap his wrist upward and crumple the guy’s nose, and then run

  11. What is the most precious quality a ninja wants in a friend? A. Be there to get a mom for help when his kneecap pops off

  B. Always tell the truth, even if it hurts, but at least he’ll know

  C. Listen to him, or at least pretend to, and then ask follow-up questions

  D. Be a hippo