The Knowledge of Love

by D. S. Williams

  I heard the door open and close quietly again and after a minute, I forced myself to roll over. Conal stood beside the bed, his expression guarded. “Striker convinced me to come back and talk to you.”

  I stared at him for a minute, feeling utterly wretched. “I'm so sorry, Conal. I never meant to hurt you.”

  Conal closed his eyes, his chest expanding as he inhaled deeply. “I can't be the third wheel, Charlotte. I won't do it again. If you don't want me, tell me now. Don't expect me to hang around, if you're gonna tell me you love Lucas more than me. I can't deal with it anymore.”

  I slipped across the bed and stood in front of him. “Conal, I love you.”

  He looked down at me, his black eyes filled with hurt. “But you brought him back.”

  “It was an error in judgment.” Seeing his look of disbelief, I rushed to explain. “Epi called me, he'd found some information about bringing the spirits back. I tried with Mom first but I couldn't get it to work. She suggested I try with Lucas.”

  “And naturally, that worked a treat,” Conal growled.

  “He has the closest connection to me, Conal. It made sense.”

  Conal turned away, his body rigid with anger. “It's always going to be like this, isn't it? Damn it, Charlotte! This is never going to work for us, because Lucas will always be there!” He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “It doesn't matter how much I love you, you'll love him more. And this God-damn psychic connection – he will always come between us. Always!”

  “I don't love him more than you. I love you, just as much as I did him,” I responded evenly. I touched his sleeve tentatively. “Conal, he's gone. Whether I have a psychic connection with him or not, he's gone.”

  “You can bring him back,” he stated coldly. “Now you can do that, I'll always wonder if that's what you want – to have him instead of me.”

  I raked my teeth across my lower lip, my temper flaring. “Yes, I can bring him back! And you can't imagine what a wonderful gift that is!” I shouted. “Loving you, wanting to be with you and constantly feeling guilty because I know Lucas is listening and watching whatever I do with you!” I turned away, staring out the windows with my arms crossed over my chest. “Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I loved Lucas – I can't tell you otherwise! While I grieve for his loss, I can't completely move on because he's always here with me!” I swung back to face him, my eyes flashing dangerously. “Conal, I love you. You have no idea how difficult it was to tell you I wanted to be with you in every way, knowing that Lucas can hear everything I say!” I looked down at the floor, blinking back tears. “I'm sorry I brought him back, I would never willingly hurt you. But this isn't easy for me either! Nothing I do in my life is ever private, I've got a gazillion people in my head, watching and listening to every single thing I do!” Glancing up again, I fixed my gaze on his. “I am what I am. For whatever God-damn reason I was made this way, I can't change it. If you can't live with that – then I guess, there's no chance for us.”

  I shoved past him, storming towards the door to get away, to escape the resentment in his eyes. While I could understand Conal's fury over finding me with Lucas, I just couldn't see a way of changing his attitude. I could appreciate his jealousy – but I had no way of fixing our dilemma.

  I reached the door, grabbing the handle to wrench it open but Conal dropped his hands against the wood on either side of my head, effectively stopping me. “Let me go, Conal,” I begged. “Please let me go.”

  Conal dropped his hands to my shoulders, turning me around to face him. “I can't,” he whispered, dropping his forehead to mine. “I can't, Charlotte.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, a single teardrop escaping and trickling down my cheek. Conal slipped his arms around my waist, holding me hard against him. For an endless moment we stood together, molding against one another as I sobbed.

  Conal swallowed heavily before he spoke. “Charlotte, I'm sorry. Seeing you in his arms – it made me crazy.”

  “He's dead, Conal. He's not coming back,” I said dully. “And the hug – Lucas asked me to hug him and I said no.” Conal's brow furrowed and I explained, “I told him I couldn't, because I'm in love with you. I'm with you now. When I did agree, it was because I never got to say a goodbye before he died. It was simply a hug, Conal.”

  Conal was silent for a minute, rubbing his hands over my back. “I feel like an asshole,” he admitted quietly. “My only excuse is that seeing you in his arms like that, it was a shock.” He kissed my forehead.

  “You're not the third wheel,” I said huskily. “I can understand you're feeling insecure, but I honestly can't help it. Lucas is with me constantly and I can't change it.” I lifted my eyes to meet his.

  “Guess I don't give it a lot of thought,” Conal admitted, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. “I'm so hung up on you being in contact with Lucas, I forget you've got all those voices in your head all the time. You must get sick of it.”

  I smiled weakly. “It's all I've ever known.”

  Conal clasped my hand, squeezing my fingers. “Are we okay?”

  I smiled and nodded. “We're okay. I love you.”

  “Allow me to speak to him, Charlotte,” Lucas requested softly.

  My brow creased into a frown. “How?”

  “He's had your blood; he's heard me once before.”

  Conal was watching me curiously. “What's up?”

  “Lucas wants to speak to you,” I informed him quietly.

  Conal gazed at me for a long moment before he responded. “Okay.” I raised an eyebrow, surprised he would agree. “Lucas and I have had numerous discussions regarding you, Sugar. One more won't hurt.”

  I returned my attention to Lucas, speaking aloud this time. “What do I have to do? Bring you back?”

  “No, Charlotte. You can transfer my consciousness to Conal for a short period of time.”

  Despite the strain of the past few hours, I grinned. “Seriously?”

  “Yes. I can only remain with him for a limited time, but it's possible because he's had your blood.”

  I related all this to Conal and he looked at me doubtfully. “Is he sure this will work?”

  “Yes, I'm sure it will work,” Lucas reassured me, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise.”

  “What do I have to do?” I repeated quietly.

  Lucas explained how I could transfer his consciousness to Conal and I nodded, reaching for Conal's hands and taking them in mine.

  Conal's eyes were bright with interest. “Is this gonna hurt?”

  I smiled. “I don't think so. Anyway, you told me this morning not to be a chicken. It works both ways.”

  Conal rolled his eyes and a smile lifted his lips. “Guess I deserved that.”

  Ignoring him, I closed my eyes and focused on Lucas's image. I concentrated on him travelling down into my fingers where a tiny orb appeared, touching Conal's fingertips.

  Conal's eyes widened as the orb glowed white before disappearing into his hand. He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds before looking down at me in wonder. “He's in my head.”

  I grinned. “Welcome to my world.”

  Conal frowned, listening intently before he looked down at me again. “Lucas suggests you go talk to Marianne while he and I chat.” He grimaced, his brow furrowed in concentration. “This is the craziest damned thing I've ever done.”

  I reached on tiptoes and brushed a kiss across his cheek. “Are you calling me crazy now?” With a warm smile, I slipped through the door and left them to it.

  Chapter 40: Us

  “Did you always know you wanted to be an artist?” Conal questioned, raking his fingers idly through my hair.

  I nodded. “Always. I drew from when I was a little girl. If my family hadn't been murdered, I probably would have gone to college eventually, studied further.”

  “When this is all over, you still could,” Conal pointed out.

  “By then I'm going to be a mom
myself.”

  Conal sipped the beer he was nursing. “Doesn't mean you can't still get a college education.”

  I gazed out across the myriad of lights in the New York skyline, smiling softly to myself. “Somehow, I can't see myself doing it now.”

  We were curled around each other on the chaise lounge by the tall windows and had been for hours. When Conal finished speaking with Lucas, his consciousness had been returned to my mind and we'd decided against going out for dinner, instead retreating to the hotel room. Conal ordered room service, and we'd spent the past few hours learning more about one another.

  “So what do you see yourself doing?” Conal questioned.

  I shrugged. “To be honest I don't even think about the future. All I can focus on now is this war. What about you? When this is over, you'll go back to your company?”

  Conal pursed his lips, considering my question thoughtfully. “Probably.”

  “Obviously you went to college?”

  “Notre Dame. Bachelor of Engineering.” He grinned wryly. “Quite a few years ago now.”

  “What happens to your company while you're away in Zaen?”

  Conal smiled. “Dad's best friend is running it. He's been VP for many years and is the only human in the world who knew what Dad really was.”

  “VP?” I questioned.

  Conal smiled. “Vice President.”

  “Ah, I see.” I smiled coyly. “So that makes you…?”

  “President, since Dad died.” Conal had his arm wrapped around me and rubbed his fingers across my arm.

  “You've worked as an engineer since college?”

  “Yeah. It was a natural progression to join Dad in the business. I did toy for a while with going into medicine, but decided against it.”

  I lapsed into silence for a little while, mesmerized again by the skyline of New York from our window. “What did Lucas say?” I asked abruptly. Conal hadn't said a word about his conversation with Lucas, and I'd been waiting for him to bring up the subject. We'd discussed all sorts of topics since our fight, but not the one I was most concerned about.

  Conal tilted my face to his and kissed me. “He apologized for hugging you. Told me exactly what you'd told me, how it eventuated.”

  “Is that all?” I asked curiously.

  Conal shook his head. “He confirmed what you said, how he can't come back for more than a little while at a time. He told me he's aware of how strong your feelings are for me.” As he said it, he looked down at me in wonder, his eyes filled with softness. “He explained he couldn't be closed away in that pretty mind of yours, but he would voluntarily remove himself when we're alone together, so you don't have to feel uncomfortable.” Conal shook his head ruefully. “I didn't understand how incredibly difficult that must be for you. You never told me you can't shut him away.”

  “We don't often get time to talk,” I replied. “In Zaen there's always some new emergency to deal with.”

  Conal caught one of my ringlets in his fingers, teasing and twirling it. “We'll have to make time. I've learned more about you tonight than I've ever known before.”

  “I guess that's because you and I always seem to be involved in some sort of crisis,” I responded quietly.

  “I didn't even know what happened to your family until I heard those rumors spreading around Zaen.” His brow furrowed. “I used to hate it so much, that Lucas knew much more about you than I did.”

  “Lucas and I spent a lot of time together before this all exploded,” I admitted softly. “Even he said he didn't know much about me.” I ran my finger across Conal's denim clad thigh, feeling the hard muscle underneath. “I probably kept a lot of things hidden because of what happened with my Mom.”

  “How'd you two meet?” Conal asked.

  Looking up at him, I raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Do you really want to know?”

  Conal drained his beer, dropping the empty bottle onto the floor beside the lounge and wrapped his arms around me. “Yeah, I think I do.”

  I smiled at the memory. “Lucas hit me with his car.” Seeing the shock in Conal's eyes, I explained the details. “I wasn't concentrating, stepped out in front of his car. It was accidental.”

  “Were you hurt?”

  “A concussion, nothing serious. If he hadn't been a vampire, it probably would have killed me. Fortunately, he spun the car around, only caught me a glancing blow.”

  “Doesn't sound like the start of a beautiful relationship,” Conal commented mildly.

  I sighed. “To be honest, I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship at the time.” I studied my wrists, seeing the faded scars of my suicide attempts. “When I met Lucas, I didn't want to live at all,” I admitted.

  Conal's arms tightened around me instinctively. “You were suicidal?” he questioned huskily.

  I nodded, remembering the time in my life when everything had seemed so hopeless. “For two years after Mom and my family died. I didn't think I had anything left to live for. No family and the nightmare of what happened to them was something I didn't think I could live with. I tried killing myself over and over again, but I failed every time.” Sighing heavily, I managed a faint smile. “Then I met Lucas, the Tine's. It turned things around for me.”

  “I'm sorry you had such a tough time, Sugar,” Conal said quietly. “And I've seen you with the Tine's. It's almost like they're your family.”

  “They took me in, cared for me. I guess they are family to me.”

  “Which probably explains why you were so defensive about them, when we first met,” Conal grinned.

  I smiled at the memory. “You were rude about them.”

  “Yeah well, that was before I got to know them,” Conal admitted ruefully. He lapsed into silence for a few minutes, caressing my hand. He stroked his thumb across Lucas's ring thoughtfully. “You still wear his ring.”

  I lifted my hand, studied the intricate band of gold on my ring finger. “Do you want me to take it off?” I didn't want to, but if Conal wanted me to take it off, I'd have to consider his wishes.

  Conal shook his head. “No, no,” he reassured me softly. “I did kind of wonder why it got swapped from your right hand to your left though.”

  I bit my lip, remembering the moment when Lucas had asked me to marry him. “I didn't think anyone had noticed.”

  Conal kissed the top of my head. “There's nothing about you that I don't notice, Sugar.”

  I remained silent, wondering what I should say, whether it would make him angry to know Lucas had asked me to marry him. Since our fight this afternoon, we'd lapsed back into easy companionship and I was loathe to break the mood.

  “Charlotte, it's okay. I know what a ring on that finger usually means.” He captured my chin, tilted my head so he could see my eyes. “Lucas asked you to marry him.” His voice was calm, his expression merely curious.

  I smiled softly and my eyes dropped back down to the ring. “He did ask me to marry him.”

  “So you two were… engaged?” He hesitated for only a split-second, keeping his expression neutral.

  “Not so much engaged,” I explained softly, “I was a little… anxious about the idea.”

  “How come?”

  “I didn't want to get married. I'm only twenty-one. After seeing how mom's marriages worked out, I guess I'm a bit gun-shy. I was happy the way we were.”

  “So…?” he pressed.

  I shrugged. “Lucas called it a promise ring. He wanted me to marry him, but he was content to wait until I was ready.”

  “I see.” Conal kissed my forehead, his lips warm against my skin. He paused for another minute or so, his fingers continuing their gentle massage across my skin. “I guess that's another area where Lucas got in first.”

  I turned in his arms and looked him straight in the eye, my own expression calm and my eyes warm. “Conal, this isn't a competition. You'll drive yourself nuts if you think of it as being one.”

  Conal sighed, shaking his head a little. “I've been out wi
th a lot of women in my lifetime and a lot of those women have had relationships with other men before we hooked up. But when it comes to you…” He smiled wryly. “I'm so crazy in love with you, I can't even see straight. You're so God-damn beautiful, I worry someone will steal you away from me. And it doesn't matter how much I try and analyze my reactions, I end up being jealous of Lucas.”

  I captured his cheek against my palm. “Conal, I love you. I'm with you now. I'm not planning on going anywhere.” I grinned. “And if anyone's got reason to be jealous, it's me.” Seeing his stunned expression, I eyed him carefully. “You're jealous of one guy. I'm jealous of every woman you've dated and slept with in the past twenty years or so. Particularly Rachel.”

  “I swear on my father's grave, Charlotte. I didn't sleep with Rachel.”

  “But you have slept with other women.”

  He nodded and a slow smile spread across his lips. “Charlotte, you know I've slept with some women. I haven't kept that a secret.”

  “So we're even. I've slept with one man and you've slept with… some women.” Even as I said the words, I wondered how many there had been. He was thirty-nine years old, handsome, financially independent and the equivalent of candy to a kid as far as women were concerned. While I'd been trying to make a point, I'd lost it somewhere along the way and was feeling a little jealousy of my own. It was ridiculous and I knew it, Lucas had slept with lots of women before he'd met me and I'd never made a big deal of it. But with Conal, I was strangely possessive.

  Conal captured my hand and interlinked his fingers through mine. “Seven.”

  “Excuse me?”

  He inhaled deeply, his black eyes serious. “Seven women. I've slept with seven women, Charlotte.”

  “I…. oh.” I blushed furiously and dropped my eyes to our fingers, intertwined with one another's.

  Conal spoke. “I want you to know everything about me, Charlotte. I want to know everything about you. It's only fair you know the truth.” He caught my chin, lifted my face to meet his. “I lost my virginity when I was sixteen, with a girl from the pack. We went out together for about eighteen months. Her name was Otsana – she was twenty-one.”