Secrets of the Marriage Bed

by Ann Lethbridge

  ‘She could not let it be,’ Luke said, his voice harsh. ‘She would not see that the last thing I wanted was the dukedom. You know that, do you not?’

  ‘I wondered,’ Alistair said. ‘For a time. Especially after the cutting of my saddle at Beauworth.’

  Luke bowed his head. ‘That was my fault. I mentioned you were expected at Beauworth when I saw her. I had no idea what she planned.’

  ‘She wanted to be sure Jeffrey inherited,’ Julia put in. ‘One can understand the motive if not the deed. He is the rightful heir.’

  Luke groaned. ‘That’s what makes this all so impossible.’

  Guilt rose in Alistair’s throat in a solid lump, making it difficult to breath. Regret followed swiftly. One night of pleasure had ruined so many lives. He swallowed. ‘I assured her he would inherit. I would never go back on my word.’

  Luke made an odd face. His dark eyes were haunted. ‘You don’t understand. Elise had been having an affair with a married man for years before you and I ever met her. It was he who suggested she put the cuckoo in your nest, since you were one of the few unwed peers readily available. When Papa whisked you out of the country, she insisted on me instead. I hated you at the time, because I really did think you were Jeffrey’s father. And later, after she told me the truth...’ he shook his head ‘...I hated her.’

  Alistair felt as if the air had been sucked from his lungs. As if he’d been struck a blow to the kidneys. ‘He isn’t mine? Are you sure? He looks more like me than you. Why the devil did you never say anything?’

  ‘I didn’t know Mother had told you he was yours until I heard what she said in the barn. By the time you returned from your cavorting in Europe, he was simply my son. Elise must have told her that Banbury tale years before, to account for Jeffrey’s early arrival.’

  Cavorting he had been. More guilt, but this time overwhelmed by relief. He didn’t have a son. Something inside him shifted. Eased. He frowned. ‘Then why did you want to have nothing to do with me?’ He’d been more hurt by his brother’s resentment than he had wanted to admit.

  ‘Mother said you suspected me of appropriating more than my share of the estate’s funds in your absence. After all I had done to keep things together, to hold them for you, I was furious.’

  ‘Sadly, she always did try to divide and rule. I should have known better than to believe anything she said. How came you to show up in such timely fashion at the barn, may I ask?’

  ‘Percy. He came to complain that Mother wasn’t treating him right after all he had done for her and me. She’d paid him off, but he wanted more. Said Mother was on her way to seek you out. Not that I expected to arrive to see you held at pistol point.’

  Alistair groaned. ‘Families. I suppose I must do something about Percy right away.’

  ‘No need. I told him that I would speak to his dear papa if he whispered one word about any of it. I hinted that it might not be in the Duchy’s interest to help with the come out of his multitudinous sisters, should even a rumour escape. It was the idea of his mother’s reaction to that little gem that had him sworn to silence. I’m afraid I committed you to a great deal of expense.’

  ‘Worth every penny,’ Alistair said, grinning at a brother who had always been good at complicated reasoning.

  Alistair glanced over at Julia, who was looking terribly pale. He wanted to take her in his arms and ask her what was wrong. She had stayed with him because he was injured, because that was how she was. Kind. Generous. Far too good for him. And now he was improving, he feared she would take up his earlier offer and go.

  A reason he had avoided talking about her decision to leave him. While he certainly didn’t want to think about a future without her, he must, if that was what she wanted.

  ‘I’m sorry, Luke,’ he said, wanting to give his brother a hug, but not sure it would be welcome. ‘Truly. Thank you for coming to the rescue. You always did try to stand between me and your mother. I am sorry things turned out the way they did. If there is anything I can do for you—’

  His brother’s expression darkened. He clenched his fists. ‘You can tell me why you let me believe you were dead for nigh on two years.’

  ‘The French soldiers in Rome made sending letters difficult.’

  ‘You were imprisoned?’

  ‘In a manner of speaking. If you could call the home of Rome’s most famous courtesan a prison.’

  His brother gave him a piercing look. Then cracked a laugh. ‘Trust the dissolute Duke to end up somewhere like that.’

  ‘It worked pretty well until I ran out of money.’ He realised her betrayal no longer hurt. He didn’t care. There was only one woman he cared about and she was planning to leave him. ‘I don’t suppose you would like to take on the job of land steward for the Duchy?’ If so, he would go back to roaming Europe. If Julia didn’t want him, there was nothing for him here.

  ‘I cannot. I promised Beauworth.’

  No escape then. ‘His gain, my loss. But when your contract ends?’

  ‘I will consider it.’ Luke rose. Alistair remained where he was, knowing Julia would have his hide if he so much as raised an eyebrow. Luke leaned over him and kissed his forehead. ‘Welcome home, Alistair.’

  ‘Better late than never,’ he growled, slapping his brother on the shoulder, but he could not help feeling pleased.

  When he had gone, Alistair smiled tenderly at his wife. He knew it was a tender smile, because he felt exceptionally tender. And worried. ‘We need to talk.’

  She inclined her head, but her expression boded ill.

  * * *

  ‘I don’t like to speak ill of the dead, Alistair,’ Julia said, trying not to let her anxiety show, to continue to act the convenient practical wife as long as she remained under his roof, ‘but I really think your stepmother had lost her reason. Yet she was clever, too. And ruthless.’ Something the woman had accused Alistair of, but Julia knew it wasn’t true. Had known it in her heart. She was babbling in the face of the far more important things that needed to be said. Things that would decide her fate.

  She launched into the speech she’d been preparing in her mind all day. ‘I should go. I cannot bear the thought of you being shamed because of me. Someone else may recognise me.’

  ‘No. If you had not come back...I owe you my life.’

  ‘As I owe you mine. There are no debts between us.’

  Alistair pushed himself up and reached for her hand. ‘Julia.’

  She revelled in the warmth of his palm on her skin. She quelled the urge to rest her cheek against his thigh. ‘The doctor said you were not to exert yourself.’

  ‘I am well enough to exert myself with you, my love.’

  She froze. ‘I didn’t think to hear you ever say that.’

  ‘What, “exert”?’

  She gave him a little shove with her shoulder. ‘Not that.’

  ‘Oh, you mean “my love”.’

  His voice was droll. Not possible. Her husband was never droll, though he was occasionally sweet.

  The back of her eyes burned. She blinked hard and turned her face away. ‘You shouldn’t say things you do not mean.’ Dash it, she sounded teary, when she had meant to sound teasing.

  ‘And if I do?’

  Perhaps teasing was not such a good idea after all. ‘Your moods change like the weather.’

  ‘You are a good woman, Julia,’ he said softly.

  ‘Tell that to the lace merchant in Cheapside. But for you I would have gone to prison or worse and now you are stuck with me as a wife and little chance of a true heir to your name. I should never have let you save me.’

  He pressed his lips to the back of her hand. ‘I would not give up one moment of these past few weeks with you in my life.’

  The feel of his lips warm and dry against her skin made her eyes b
urn more. ‘Nor I.’

  He gazed at her steadily, but deep within his cool gaze, his shield against hurt, she sensed longing. ‘Why did you come back?’ he asked.

  She hesitated, fearing his scorn. ‘I was not speaking the truth when I said I cared for you.’

  Hurt flashed in his eyes, a regretful smile formed on his thin lips. ‘I deserve that.’

  ‘Oh, no. I didn’t mean it that way. I—’

  He rubbed circles on her back and she wanted to arch like a cat. And possibly purr. How did he know exactly the right spot to caress? ‘It is all right, Julia. I understand. I would like us to remain friends, if that is at all possible.’

  Her heart nearly broke in two. ‘Friends.’

  ‘You did offer friendship a few weeks ago.’

  The hope she had been clinging to so tightly began to wither. She shook her head. ‘That isn’t—’

  ‘Very well. If it isn’t possible, I quite understand.’ His voice was soft and low and so full of pain, she wanted to weep.

  ‘Alistair, let me finish.’

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘It is your right.’ He visibly braced himself.

  Startled, she stared at him. What on earth...? ‘Oh, Alistair, you mistake me.’ She dropped her gaze to her hands in her lap, worried about how he would react to her baring her soul. ‘When I said I cared for you, I should really have said I love you. I was halfway to the Bull and Bear when it occurred to me I had been lying to myself for weeks. I love you for your generosity. I love you for your honour and the way you protect your people. And the way you love your horse. I adored the way you counted me as one of yours from the moment we met. You are a good man. A kind one, despite all anyone says. Honestly, I think I fell in love with you at Mrs B.’s before I even knew any of those things. My heart knew. I love you with all my heart.’ She swivelled to look into his dear face, to try to make him understand. ‘Alistair, because of that I cannot allow my presence in your life to cause you harm. I promise, once I go, I will never trouble you again.’ Her voice caught.

  He sighed, a long soft expulsion of breath as if he had been holding it in for a very long time.

  She glanced up at his face, but could not read his expression—the cool reserve had returned. A heavy lump settled on her chest. ‘If you still want my friendship, then I will give it, gladly.’

  ‘I cannot remember the last time I had a friend,’ he murmured. ‘Someone in whom I could confide all my secret hopes and not fear betrayal. I’ve been betrayed so many times, until I met you, I thought I could never trust again.’

  He trusted her. Her heart lightened. ‘I am sorry for what those women did to you: your stepmother, Elise, that woman in Italy. You did not deserve such treatment.’

  ‘I thought I deserved nothing until you came along. But now you say you love me, yet you want to leave.’

  ‘Hush. I don’t want to leave. It is for the best. You need children. An heir.’

  ‘I need you.’ He pressed his lips to the top of her shoulder. The little hairs on her nape seemed to rise in welcome to his touch. ‘The kindest, sweetest, dearest—’

  ‘You are making me sound like a saint when you know perfectly well I am not.’ Her voice sounded too full of emotion to go on, yet she finished what she had to say. ‘You know what I did. My presence can only bring harm to your name.’

  ‘Julia, darling,’ he whispered softly in her ear. ‘I love you so much, names mean nothing. When I thought you had left me for good, I was devastated, yet I did not want to keep you against your will. Your happiness is everything to me.’

  He picked up her hand and pressed his mouth to her palm. Heat roared through her veins. She gasped.

  ‘I love you, Julia. I want us to make memories together. Memories to drown out the past. I want the friendship you promised. And companionship. But most of all, I need your love.’

  ‘You have it, my dearest sweetest man,’ she whispered. Tears ran down her cheeks.

  ‘You are crying.’

  She choked down a sob. ‘Happiness.’

  ‘My life. My soulmate. Only with you do I feel like a whole man, instead of an empty shell. Love me. Please, darling.’

  He curled a hand around her nape and brought her lips down to his.

  ‘Alistair, your wound,’ she squeaked.

  He pulled off the bandage. ‘My wound is fine, it is my heart that hurts with longing.’ He kissed her deeply, until they both had no breath left.

  She lay with her head on his shoulder and stroked his cheek. ‘You really need to be careful of that head wound.’

  He pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. ‘I have a gift for you. I wasn’t sure I would ever have a chance to give it to you. Or if you’d accept it.’

  ‘I told you, I do not need things to make me happy.’

  ‘Please. I would like you to have this one.’

  When he asked so nicely, how could she refuse? ‘I don’t want you getting up. Tell me where it is and I will get it.’

  ‘In my writing table. Bottom drawer.’

  She got up and found a small package wrapped in brown paper.

  ‘Open it.’

  He sounded excited, like a small boy at Christmas time.

  Expecting jewels or something similar, she unwrapped the outer layer and discovered a red-velvet sleeve containing something cylindrical. When she opened the drawstring, a telescope... No... ‘Alistair!’ She gazed at him. ‘A kaleidoscope. You remembered. How lovely.’ She held it up to her eye.

  ‘Point it towards the window, to get the best of the light,’ he said. He started to rise.

  She shot him a warning look. ‘You have received two blows to the head now and the doctor said—’

  ‘Hang the doctor.’ But he sagged back against the cushions as if the effort had been too much.

  She held the kaleidoscope to one eye and closed the other. ‘Oh, how pretty.’

  ‘You turn it and the patterns change.’

  In awe, she turned the tube, gasping at the beauty created by the crystals inside. ‘I love it. I will treasure it always. A kaleidoscope of butterflies. Thank you.’

  He looked so pleased with himself, she could not resist. She bent over him and kissed him full on the mouth.

  He grasped her shoulders, pulling her down until she once more lay beside him, changing the brief brush of her lips into something much more intense. On a groan, he broke the kiss and rested his forehead on hers, his breathing ragged.

  She snuggled against his shoulder. ‘But, Alistair, I cannot give you your heir.’ Misery was a painful ache in her heart.

  ‘If children come along, I will be grateful, provided no harm comes to you. But truly, although I did not realise it until recently, I already have everything I want or need. Someone to love and care for. Someone to call my own who cares for me, not for my title or my wealth.’

  ‘And you won’t mind that some stranger’s child will one day be the Duke?’

  ‘You heard Luke. He considers Jeffrey to be his son in every way. And so will he be treated by us. I will teach him to be ducal and you can help him learn to be a gentleman around the ladies. We will be a family.’

  ‘A family built on love instead of secrets.’ It sounded perfect.

  She pressed upward to seal their vow with a kiss and he groaned again. ‘A bed, love. We need a bed.’

  Epilogue

  Banished to the garden with his uncle, while his papa remained in the drawing room cooing at the new addition to the Dunstan line, Jeffrey, small and blond and not in the least bit angelic, kicked at a rock. ‘Babies are horrid. Girl babies are the worst.’

  Alistair didn’t think his baby was horrid. His was a perfectly beautiful little girl who already looked very much like her mother, even if she had come as a complete surprise to her
parents. He was, however, quite in sympathy with Jeffrey in regard to the other two infants currently squalling in his drawing room.

  There was the Beauworths’ little boy, and strangely enough, his erstwhile amanuensis, Lewis, who turned out to have a title tucked away somewhere on his person, had arrived to wet the baby’s head with his own infant progeny in tow. And a wife.

  Or rather they’d come to attend the christening and enjoy a little libation afterwards.

  Alistair, like Jeffrey, had found it all wonderfully overwhelming. ‘You were a baby once. As was your brother Daniel.’ The latter had remained firmly affixed to his father’s side. ‘Be assured, Jeffrey, a gentleman likes the ladies a whole lot more when he is older.’

  ‘Yuck. Then I am never growing older.’

  ‘But then you will never graduate from a pony to a horse and if I am not mistaken, your papa was talking about going to Tatts very soon.’

  Young Jeffrey halted as if turned to stone. He gazed up at Alistair. ‘You wouldn’t jest about such a thing, would you, Uncle Alistair?’

  A duke only jested with his duchess in private. ‘It is too important a matter for jests.’

  The lad clenched a fist and jabbed at a hapless red rose in the border of the walk. ‘I’m getting a horse.’

  ‘So shall we rejoin the party? I think Her Grace has ordered lemonade and cream cakes for tea.’

  ‘A growing boy needs his sustenance,’ Jeffrey said and tucked his hand around Alistair’s arm.

  Together they strolled back to the drawing room.

  Sitting beside the Marchioness of Beauworth on the sofa, Julia met his gaze with a beaming smile when he entered the room.

  They had been very happy together these past two years, and a child, heaven help him, had added icing to the delicious cake of an extraordinarily sweet marriage.

  With Jeffrey making straight for the desserts, Alistair felt perfectly comfortable taking his baby girl from her mother’s arms. He was in love. With them both.

  ‘Next time we will have a boy,’ Julia whispered, getting to her feet.