Losing Hope h-2

by Colleen Hoover

  I pick up the phone just as she shuts the oven and turns to face me. “You got a text.” I laugh. “Your cake is fine.”

  She rolls her eyes and throws the oven mitt on the counter, then walks back to her seat. I’m curious about the cell phone, especially since she told me earlier this week that she didn’t have one.

  “I thought you weren’t allowed to have a phone,” I say, glancing at all the texts as I scroll my finger down the screen. “Or was that a really pathetic excuse to avoid giving me your number?”

  “I’m not allowed,” she says. “My best friend gave it to me the other day. It can’t do anything but text.”

  I turn the phone around to face her. “What the hell kind of texts are these?” I read one out loud.

  “Sky, you are beautiful. You are possibly the most exquisite creature in the universe and if anyone tells you otherwise, I’ll cut the bitch.” I glance at her, the texts making me even more curious about her than I was before. “Oh, God,” I say. “They’re all like this. Please tell me you don’t text these to yourself for daily motivation.”

  She laughs and snatches the phone out of my hand. “Stop. You’re ruining the fun of it.”

  “Oh, my God, you do? Those are all from you?”

  “No!” she says defensively. “They’re from Six. She’s my best friend and she’s halfway around the world and she misses me. She wants me to not be sad, so she sends me nice texts every day. I think it’s sweet.”

  “Oh, you do not,” I say. “You think it’s annoying and you probably don’t even read them.”

  “She means well,” she says, folding her arms defensively across her chest.

  “They’ll ruin you,” I tease. “Those texts will inflate your ego so much, you’ll explode.” I scroll through the settings on her phone and punch the number into my phone. There’s no way I’m leaving here without her number, and this is the perfect excuse to get it. “We need to rectify this situation before you start suffering from delusions of grandeur.” I give her back her phone and text her.

  Your cookies suck ass. And you’re really not that pretty.

  “Better?” I ask after she reads it. “Did the ego deflate enough?”

  She laughs and places the phone facedown on the counter. “You know just the right things to say to a girl.” She walks into the living room and spins around to face me. “Want a tour of the house?”

  I don’t hesitate. Of course I want a tour of her house. I follow her through the house and listen as she speaks. I pretend to be interested in everything she’s pointing out, but in reality I can only concentrate on the sound of her voice. She could talk to me all night and I’d never get tired of listening to her.

  “My room,” she says, swinging open the door to her bedroom. “Feel free to look around, but being as though there aren’t any people eighteen or older here, stay off the bed. I’m not allowed to get pregnant this weekend.”

  I pause as I’m passing through her door and eye her. “Only this weekend?” I ask, matching her wit. “You plan on getting knocked up next weekend, instead?”

  She smiles and I continue making my way into her room. “Nah,” she says. “I’ll probably wait a few more weeks.”

  I shouldn’t be here. Every minute I spend with her makes me like her more and more. Now I’m in her room and there’s no one in the house other than her and me, not to mention the fact that there’s this bed between us that she told me to stay off of.

  I shouldn’t be here.

  I came here to show her I’m the good guy, not the bad guy. So why am I looking at her bed and not having good thoughts right now?

  “I’m eighteen,” I say, unable to stop imagining what she looks like when she lies in this bed.

  “Yay for you?” she says, confused.

  I smile at her, then nod toward her bed as explanation. “You said to stay off your bed because I’m not eighteen. I’m just pointing out that I am.”

  Her shoulders tense and she inhales a quick breath. “Oh,” she says, slightly flustered. “Well then, I meant nineteen.”

  I like her reaction a little too much, so I try to refocus and concentrate on why I’m here.

  Why am I here? Because all that’s running through my mind right now is bed, bed, bed.

  I’m here to make a point. A much-needed, valid point. I walk as far away from the bed as I can get and end up at the window.

  The same window I’ve heard so much about over the course of the past week at school. It’s amazing the things you can learn if you just shut up and listen.

  I lean my head out of it and look around, then pull back inside. I don’t like that she keeps it open. It’s not safe.

  “So this is the infamous window, huh?”

  If that comment doesn’t direct the conversation in the direction I’m hoping, I don’t know what will.

  “What do you want, Holder?” she snaps.

  I turn to face her and she’s eyeing me fiercely. “Did I say something wrong, Sky? Or untrue? Unfounded, maybe?”

  She immediately walks to her door and holds it open. “You know exactly what you said and you got the reaction you wanted. Happy? You can go now.”

  I hate that I’m pissing her off, but I ignore her request for me to leave. I look away and walk to the side of her bed and pick up a book. I pretend to flip through it while I contemplate how to start the conversation.

  “Holder, I’m asking you as nicely as I’m going to ask you. Please leave.”

  I set the book down and take a seat on her bed, despite the fact that she told me not to. She’s already pissed at me. What’s one more thing?

  She stomps over to the bed and actually grabs my legs, attempting to physically pull me off the bed. She then reaches up and yanks on my wrists in an attempt to pull me up, but I pull her down to the bed and flip her onto her back, holding her arms to the mattress.

  Now that I’ve got her good and riled up, it would be a good time to tell her what I came here to tell her. That I’m not that guy. That I wasn’t in juvi for a year. That I didn’t beat that kid up because he was gay.

  But here I am holding her down to the mattress and I have no idea how we even got to this point, but I’ll be damned if I can form a coherent thought. She’s not struggling to get out from under me at all and we’re both staring at each other like we’re daring the other one to be the first to make a move.

  My heart is pounding against my chest and if I don’t back away from her right now I’ll do something to those lips of hers that will for sure end up with me getting slapped.

  Or kissed back.

  The thought is tempting, but I don’t risk it. I let go of her arms and wipe my thumb across the end of her nose. “Flour. It’s been bugging me,” I say. I back away and rest my back against her headboard.

  She doesn’t move. She’s breathing heavily and staring up at the ceiling. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but she’s not trying to kick me out of her room anymore, so that’s good.

  “I didn’t know he was gay,” I say.

  She turns her head in my direction and she’s still flat on her back. She doesn’t say anything, so I use the opportunity to explain in more detail while I’ve got her full attention.

  “I beat him up because he was an asshole. I had no idea he was gay.”

  She eyes me, expressionless, then slowly turns her head back toward the ceiling. I give her a moment to ponder what I just said. She’ll either believe me and feel guilty or she won’t believe me and she’ll still be pissed. Either way, I don’t want her to feel guilty or pissed. But we’re not left with any other choices of emotions in this situation.

  I remain quiet, wanting her to respond to me with something, at least.

  A sound comes from the kitchen and it actually resembles an oven timer rather than her phone. “Cake!” she yells. She’s off the bed and out the bedroom door and I find myself alone in her room on her bed. I close my eyes and lean my head against the headboard.

  I want her to belie
ve me. I want her to trust me and I want her to know the truth about my past. There’s something about her that tells me she’s not like all the other people I’ve encountered who disappoint me. I just hope I’m not wrong about her, because I like being around her. She actually makes me feel like I have a purpose. I haven’t felt like I had a purpose in over thirteen months.

  I glance up when she walks back into the room and she smiles sheepishly. She has a cookie in her mouth and another in her hand. She holds it out to me and drops down next to me on the bed. Her head lands against her pillow and she sighs.

  “I guess the gay-bashing asshole remark was really judgmental on my part then, huh? You aren’t really an ignorant homophobe who spent the last year in juvenile detention?”

  Mission accomplished.

  And it was so much easier than I thought it would be.

  I smile and scoot down until I’m flat on the bed next to her. “Nope,” I say, looking up at the stars plastered across her ceiling. “Not at all. I spent the entire last year living with my father in Austin. I don’t even know where the story about me being sent to juvi came into the picture.”

  “Why don’t you defend yourself against the rumors if they aren’t true?”

  What an odd question, coming from someone who hasn’t defended herself at all this entire week. I glance in her direction. “Why don’t you?”

  She quietly nods. “Touché.”

  We both look back up to her ceiling. I like that she was so easy to come around. I like that she didn’t argue about it, especially knowing how stubborn she is.

  I like that I was right about her.

  “The window comment from earlier?” she says. “You were just making a point about rumors? You really weren’t trying to be mean?”

  I hate that she actually thought I was just being cruel, even if it was only for a minute. I don’t want her to ever think that about me. “I’m not mean, Sky.”

  “You’re intense. I’m right about that, at least.”

  “I may be intense, but I’m not mean.”

  “Well, I’m not a slut.”

  “I’m not a gay-bashing asshole.”

  “So we’re all clear?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  It’s quiet for another moment until she inhales a long, deep breath. “I’m sorry, Holder.”

  “I know, Sky,” I say. I didn’t come here for an apology. I don’t want her to feel guilty about her misconception. “I know.”

  She doesn’t say anything else and we both continue to look up at the stars. I’m conflicted right now because we’re both on her bed and as much as I try to ignore my attraction for her, it’s sort of hard when I’m inches from her.

  I’m curious if she finds me attractive at all. I’m almost positive she does based on the tiny things she does when I’m around her that she tries to hide. Like the times I’ve caught her staring at my chest when I ran with her. Or the way she sucks in a breath when I lean in to speak to her. Or how she always seems to be struggling not to smile when she’s trying so hard to be mad at me.

  I’m not positive what she thinks about me or how she feels, but I know one thing . . . she definitely doesn’t act indifferent toward me like she does toward Grayson.

  Thinking about that incident and how just a few hours ago she was kissing him makes me grimace. It may not be appropriate to ask her about it, but I sure as hell can’t stop thinking about how much I hate the thought of her kissing anyone, especially Grayson. And if there’s ever a chance that I’ll be the one kissing her, I need to know that she won’t be kissing him again.

  Ever.

  “I need to ask you something,” I say. I prepare myself to bring it up, knowing she more than likely doesn’t want to talk about it. But I have to know how she feels about him. I inhale a deep breath and roll over to face her. “Why were you letting Grayson do what he was doing to you in the parking lot?”

  She winces and shakes her head ever so slightly. “I already told you. He’s not my boyfriend and he’s not the one who gave me the black eye.”

  “I’m not asking because of any of that,” I say, even though I really am. “I’m asking because I saw how you reacted. You were irritated with him. You even looked a little bored. I just want to know why you allow him to do those things if you clearly don’t want him touching you.”

  She’s quiet for a second. “My lack of interest was that obvious?”

  “Yep. And from fifty yards away. I’m just surprised he didn’t take the hint.”

  She immediately flips onto her side and props up on her elbow. “I know, right? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned him down but he just doesn’t stop. It’s really pathetic. And unattractive.”

  I can’t even describe how good it feels to hear her say that.

  “Then why do you let him do it?”

  She keeps her eyes locked on mine, but she doesn’t answer me. We’re inches apart. On her bed. Her mouth is right here.

  So close.

  We both flip onto our backs almost simultaneously.

  “It’s complicated,” she says. Her voice sounds sad and I definitely didn’t come here to make her feel sad.

  “You don’t have to explain. I was just curious. It’s really not my business.”

  She pulls her arms up behind her head and rests her head on her hands. “Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?”

  I have no idea where she’s going with this, but at least she’s talking, so I go with it. “Yep,” I say. “But I hope you aren’t about to ask for details, because I don’t go there.”

  “That’s not why I’m asking,” she says, shaking her head. “When you kissed her, what did you feel?”

  I definitely don’t know where she’s going with this. But still, I indulge her. It’s the least I can do for showing up unannounced, then practically insulting her reputation before getting my point across.

  “You want honesty, right?”

  “That’s all I ever want,” she says, mimicking my own words.

  I grin. “All right, then. I guess I felt . . . horny.”

  When I say the word horny, I swear she sucks in a breath. She’s quick to recover, though. “So you get the butterflies and the sweaty palms and the rapid heartbeat and all that?” she asks.

  “Yeah. Not with every girl I’ve been with, but most of them.”

  She tilts her head toward me and arches an eyebrow, which makes me grin. “There weren’t that many,” I say. At least I don’t think there were that many. I’m not sure what number constitutes a lot at this point and even then, people measure things on different scales. “What’s your point?” I ask, relieved she isn’t asking me to clarify exactly how many there have been.

  “My point is that I don’t. I don’t feel any of that. When I make out with guys, I don’t feel anything at all. Just numbness. So sometimes I let Grayson do what he does to me, not because I enjoy it, but because I like not feeling anything at all.”

  I was absolutely not expecting that answer. I’m not sure that I like that answer. I mean, I like that she doesn’t actually feel anything for Grayson, but I hate that it hasn’t stopped her from letting him try to get what he wants.

  I also don’t like that she admitted to never feeling anything, because I can honestly say when I’m around her, I’ve never felt so much.

  “I know it doesn’t make sense, and no, I’m not a lesbian,” she says defensively. “I’ve just never been attracted to anyone before you and I don’t know why.”

  I quickly turn and look at her, not sure that I heard her correctly. But based on her reaction and the way her arm comes up and immediately covers her face, I know for a fact I heard her correctly.

  She’s attracted to me.

  And she didn’t intend to admit that out loud.

  And I’m pretty sure that accidental admission just made my entire year.

  I reach over and slide my fingers around her wrist, pulling her arm away from her face. I know she’s embarras
sed right now, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting this go.

  “You’re attracted to me?”

  “Oh, God,” she groans. “That’s the last thing you need for your ego.”

  “That’s probably true,” I admit, laughing. “Better hurry up and insult me before my ego gets as big as yours.”

  “You need a haircut,” she blurts out. “Really bad. It gets in your eyes and you squint and you’re constantly moving it out of the way like you’re Justin Bieber and it’s really distracting.”

  I know she doesn’t have access to technology, so I let it slide that Justin Bieber cut his hair off a long time ago. I’m disappointed that I even know that. I tug at my hair with my fingers and fall back against my pillow. “Man. That really hurt. It seems like you’ve thought that one out for a while.”

  “Just since Monday,” she says.

  “You met me on Monday. So technically, you’ve been thinking about how much you hate my hair since the moment we met?”

  “Not every moment.”

  I laugh. I wonder if it’s possible for people to fall in love with a person one characteristic at a time, or if you fall for the entire person at once. Because I think I just fell in love with her wit. And her bluntness. And maybe even her mouth, but I won’t allow myself to stare at it long enough to confirm.

  Shit. That’s already three characteristics and I’ve only been here an hour.

  “I can’t believe you think I’m hot,” I say, breaking the silence.

  “Shut up.”

  “You probably faked passing out the other day, just so you could be carried in my hot, sweaty, manly arms.”

  “Shut up,” she says again.

  “I’ll bet you fantasize about me at night, right here in this bed.”

  “Shut up, Holder.”

  “You probably even . . .”

  She slaps her hand over my mouth. “You’re way hotter when you aren’t speaking.”

  I shut up, but only because I want to revel in the fact that this night has already turned out better than I ever anticipated. Every second I’m with her I like her more and more. I like her sense of humor and I like that she gets my sense of humor. She’s the first girl besides Les to ever actually give me a run for my money and I can’t seem to get enough of it.