Legacy of Mercy

by Lynn Austin

  I draw a calming breath. “No, I have to do this. Let’s keep digging.”

  Late in the afternoon when we’ve emptied three-quarters of the room, Derk pries open a wooden crate and I see a little white handkerchief with embroidered blue flowers lying on top. I gasp in astonishment. “Derk, that handkerchief was Mama’s. I recognize it!” It has yellowed with age, but I clearly remember her using it when I was a child. I dig a little deeper and find a well-worn baby’s blanket and two booklets from Moody Church. Tears of joy fill my eyes. “Oh, thank heaven! We found Mama’s belongings, Derk! We found them!”

  He pulls me into his arms and for that brief moment, I forget the dirt and filth of the afternoon’s search. I feel safe. Loved. I’m sorry when he releases me again. “Let’s look through a few of the boxes that were surrounding it,” he says. “Maybe there’s more.” He lifts one of the lanterns from the nail and I follow him, too excited and relieved to worry about the rat we saw earlier. But none of the other boxes contains anything of Mama’s. “I’ll carry the crate upstairs into the sunlight for you, Anneke. You can start looking through it while I shove everything back in the storeroom.” Derk looks tired and filthy. We both do. I check my watch in the lamplight and am stunned to see how late it is.

  “Oh no! I need to go home. Mother will be worried. I’ll help you put everything back, and we can look through the crate together after we get cleaned up. Either we’ll find something that will help me, or we won’t.”

  “What time is it?” Derk asks.

  “Nearly four-thirty.”

  “It can’t be that late. I’m all out of time!” He looks panic-stricken as he runs his fingers through his hair. “If I’m going to make all my train connections and get back home by morning, I need to put this stuff back and leave for the train station right away.”

  “You’re going back to Michigan tonight?”

  “I have to. I can’t miss any more classes.”

  “I’ll ask my driver to help us.” I offer the man a huge tip, and he and Derk are able to quickly put everything back into the storage room. I stop by Mrs. O’Hara’s apartment to tell her what I found and to thank her. She seems happy for me.

  “You take good care of that handsome young man,” she says. If only I could.

  We jump into my carriage and Derk asks my driver to take him straight to Union Station as fast as he can. “I don’t understand why you have to leave,” I say as the carriage begins to roll. “After all the work you did today, can’t you at least stay long enough to see if we’ve found anything?” I feel shaken again. I’m about to lose Derk, my pillar of strength, and I can’t bear it. But there is another reason why I don’t want him to leave. I’m in love with him.

  “I’m sorry. I would like to stay longer, but I can’t. There were no direct trains between Holland and Chicago today, so I had to make all kinds of crazy connections to get here. I don’t dare miss any of them on the way back.”

  Once again, I think of Clarice’s ultimatum, and I feel sick inside. We ride in silence for a few minutes and the stench of mildew from the crate fills the compartment, adding to my nausea. I open a window to keep from being overwhelmed, and when I look out, I see that we’re nearing the station. I’m nervous about what I might find—or not find—among Mama’s things, and I wish I could talk Derk into staying by my side when I open it. “Why did you travel all this way if you could only stay one day?” I ask as a train whistle shrieks in the distance.

  “Because I was hoping I would get a chance to see you and tell you …” He pauses, swallowing a lump of emotion.

  “Tell me what? Is Oma Geesje all right? Does she know you’re here?”

  “Yes, yes, she’s fine.” He gives a crooked smile. “She’ll be as mad as a wet cat when she finds out I came. She advised me not to. She tried to tell me how different your life is from mine, and that I shouldn’t barge into it, but I wouldn’t listen. I had to come.”

  “I’m glad you did. This crate might contain my last chance to help my family.”

  “I understand, now, how much they mean to you. I’ve seen your beautiful mansion and watched you dig through that mountain of trash when there was only a slim chance that you would find anything. I have a much clearer picture of how much is at stake if you don’t marry William.”

  I gaze at this man who worked so hard to try to rescue me, and I can’t help comparing him with William. Derk willingly dug through a mountain of trash to help clear my name, while William stayed away in my time of need, distancing himself from me and my “scandalous” past. The reminder of William’s selfishness brings tears to my eyes. “Thank you for helping me, Derk. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “You’re welcome. Anytime.” His smile breaks my heart.

  The carriage slows to a halt in a long line of traffic. Derk peers out the open window. We can see the station beyond the knot of jammed carriages. “I’m going to miss my train if I don’t go.” He opens the door and jumps out. “I can run the rest of the way,” he tells the driver. Then he turns back to me. “I’m sorry to leave you in such a hurry, without a proper good-bye. But I have to go.”

  “Derk, wait!” I shout as he turns to go. “You said you came here today to tell me something. What was it?”

  He looks down at the ground for a moment, then back up at me. “I came to tell you that I love you.”

  I’m stunned. William has never spoken those words to me. I gaze at Derk, wanting to leap out of the carriage and into his embrace, longing to feel his arms around me again.

  “I know you need to marry William,” he says. “I see that now. I hope you find something in the box that will help. If not … if everything falls apart … well, I just want you to know that I’m willing to help you any way I can.” He reaches for my filthy hand and squeezes it before he lets go and closes the carriage door. “I love you, Anneke.”

  I can see that he won’t be able to hold back his emotions much longer and that he wants to escape with dignity. He starts walking away and is a few feet from the carriage when I throw open the door and call to him.

  “Derk!” He turns around. “I love you, too!” I shout, not caring who hears me.

  His smile breaks my heart. He gives a little wave, then turns and hurries away.

  Chapter 22

  Anna

  Chicago, Illinois

  I ask our carriage driver to carry the musty crate upstairs to my room when I get home. He has worked for our family for many years, but after everything he has seen and heard today, I can only pray that he will be discreet. “Is my mother here?” I ask our butler.

  “No, Miss Anna. She left to run errands and hasn’t returned yet.”

  I feel a wave of relief. I can’t face anyone right now. My heart is still full after saying good-bye to Derk and hearing him say that he loves me. I have finally admitted to myself and to him that I love him, too. But once again, I will have to stow away my feelings for him, out of sight, perhaps for the rest of my life.

  I have just finished bathing and have changed into clean clothes when Mother knocks on my bedroom door. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better, dear.” She kisses my cheek. “Now you’ll be able to join your father and me for dinner at his club… .What is that dreadful smell?” she asks, wrinkling her nose.

  “Um … do you smell something?” I ask. I need to find another place to stash the box.

  “I’ll send one of the servants up to sniff around,” Mother says. She is about to leave when she turns back.

  “By the way, I’ve been told that your little lady’s maid has walked out on us. Any idea why? Did something happen?”

  My anger at Lucy’s betrayal returns in full force. “She never said a word to me before she left,” I reply. It’s the truth.

  “She was such an odd girl,” Mother says with a sigh. “And very unpopular with the other servants, so I’m told. They aren’t sorry to see her go. I suppose I’ll have to hire a new girl. Can you be ready to leave within the hour?” />
  “I’ll be ready.”

  “William may be joining us,” she adds. “Your father has a meeting with him this afternoon.”

  I cringe at the thought of facing William after spending the day with Derk. William would be furious—and rightly so—if he ever found out, even though I did it to save his family and mine from further scandal. I shove Mama’s box beneath my bed, frustrated that I won’t have enough time to dig through it before I go. I had to scrub my fingernails with a brush to get them clean, and I can’t risk dirtying them again. Poor Derk has to ride all the way home to Michigan without bathing or changing his clothes.

  Mother sends a maid upstairs to investigate the smell, and I give her my skirt and shirtwaist to wash. I don’t owe her an explanation, so I don’t offer one. This is the second time in as many days that I’ve arrived home in ruined, disheveled clothing, but the servants have been trained not to react or to ask questions. I can only imagine what the servants are saying behind my back about my strange activities. Will they tell my parents about Derk?

  William greets me at the club and kisses my cheek. “You look lovely tonight, Anna.”

  “Thank you.” I can barely look at him. I cannot imagine him digging through the tenement storage room the way Derk did today—and not simply because William is unused to manual labor. I still can’t forget how he distanced himself from me when I was being shunned. Yet Derk willingly shoveled his way through a trash heap for me. He not only declared his love, he demonstrated it. And when I told him I loved him, too, I spoke from my heart. Is it wrong to marry William when I’m in love with Derk?

  It doesn’t matter. I have no choice.

  The headwaiter seats us at a table, and we make small talk for a few minutes while we look over the menu. After the waiter takes our order, Father and William resume the conversation they’d been having before Mother and I arrived, while Mother tells me about the tea she attended today. I’m barely listening to either conversation. My stomach is in knots again as I ponder Clarice’s ultimatum and everything that’s at stake. My last hope lies in a smelly box beneath my bed.

  I bring my attention back to the table in time to hear Father say, “I appreciate your bank’s willingness to extend my credit once again.” He looks worried; his smile seems strained. The threat to his finances must still be very real. I can’t bear the thought of Father’s world crashing down around him, especially if I’m the cause of it. He once fought with all his strength to keep me from drowning when the Ironsides sank, and I’ll gladly do whatever I can to save him.

  “It’s not a problem,” William replies. “We’re practically one family now, aren’t we? But let’s not bore the ladies with business talk. How was your day today, Anna?”

  I scramble to think of what to say without lying. I need to erase Derk’s image from my mind. “I had to miss your sister’s tea, I’m afraid. I didn’t feel well this morning.” I hope everyone assumes my flushed cheeks are from embarrassment. It isn’t proper to mention one’s health in such a direct way.

  The meal seems endless. I have no appetite, and I merely push the food around on my plate. “I’m still not feeling well,” I say on the way home. “I think I’ll retire for the night, if you don’t mind.” The stench of mildew fills my room. I change out of my evening dress and open a bedroom window, even though it’s cold outside. I make sure to lock my bedroom door before pulling the crate from beneath my bed. Derk has loosely fastened the wooden lid back into place, and it takes me a few minutes to pry it open using a shoehorn and my letter knife.

  The sight of Mama’s handkerchief brings tears to my eyes again. I carefully lay it aside and lift out the next few items. Beneath a baby blanket that must have been mine and booklets from Moody Church, I find a cardboard legal file filled with papers. My heart races as I leaf through them, but they all seem to be related to Mama’s lawsuit against the railroad and the final settlement. James Blackwell’s name appears on nearly every one. My excitement turns to disappointment when I reach the last document without finding a marriage license or a birth certificate.

  The next layer consists of Mama’s well-worn work clothes, aprons, and a pair of woolen socks that are unraveling from moth holes. There are a few chipped dishes, a battered cooking pot, some eating utensils, and kitchen towels. I lift out a woolen blanket peppered with moth holes like the socks, cringing at the rough, grimy feel of it. Two dead moths flutter to the floor, as fragile and dry as tissue paper. And that’s when I see it—a small, cloth-covered book that might be a diary. I’m afraid to hope, afraid I’ll be disappointed. I pick it up carefully, worried that the pages will crumble to dust in my hands. I leaf through it, and my excitement grows when I see that page after page is filled with beautiful handwriting written in pencil. It is a diary! I turn back to the first page and see the words:

  This book belongs to:

  Christina de Jonge

  My hands tremble as I turn the page and begin to read… .

  Dear Diary,

  I’m writing my thoughts and feelings in this notebook because there is no one in all the world who I can share them with. Vera is my closest friend, but I know what she will say if I tell her these things. And Mrs. Marusak was very kind to help me break free from Jack, but I know that she would also tell me I’m making a big mistake. My own logic tells me I am, and my common sense confirms it. But my heart won’t listen to either one. People say love is blind, and it’s true. I was a blind fool to ignore my parents’ warnings and run away with Jack Newell. And now I’m an even bigger fool for falling in love with James Blackwell.

  It all began on the night of the dance. No, that isn’t true. I could feel myself falling in love with James during those wonderful days we spent together when fighting for a settlement from the railroad. It was such a glorious feeling, like falling out of the sky through soft, lovely clouds, with the whole world spread out beneath me, far below. I knew how my fall would end and how much it was going to hurt when I finally hit solid ground again, but I was helpless to stop myself. I never felt this way with Jack. I thought I loved him, but that romance was all about him—what he wanted, how important he was, and how lucky I was to be chosen by him when there were so many other women who thought he was handsome. I was a silly fool who mistook his roughness for passion. Now I know better.

  James is the complete opposite. On the days when we were together for the lawsuit, he treated me with dignity and respect and gentleness—the way I remember my papa treating my mother. James always asked how I felt about everything and how I wanted to respond to the railroad’s offers, yet he was quick to take charge and stand up for me when I needed an advocate. He treated me as if I was a society lady and never like his lowly maidservant. James looked at me the same way that Jack looked at himself in the mirror.

  So I fell in love with him in spite of Vera’s warnings and my own good sense. I couldn’t help myself. Handsome James Blackwell with his wavy mahogany hair fills my thoughts in the daytime and my dreams at night. I love the way his blue eyes sparkle when he laughs. I assumed that he was being kind to me because that was his job as my attorney. I believed that he treated me with respect because he was raised to be a gentleman. But I found out I was wrong on the night I went to the dance hall with Vera. I looked up from the table we shared—and there he was! James Blackwell! Asking me to dance with him!

  I’ll remember that night as long as I live. We talked and laughed, and James held me in his arms as he taught me to dance, cheerfully ignoring the dozens of times I stepped on the toes of his expensive leather shoes. It seemed like a dream, and I told myself to enjoy every moment because tomorrow I would wake up in this dreary attic room again, and he would be gone. The other servants and I all know that it is nothing more than a lark for Mr. James to spend time downstairs with us, pretending to be one of us instead of the wealthy gentleman he really is. But on that wonderful evening in the dance hall, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him each moment I was with him.

  We barely
left the dance floor. James held me closer as the night wore on, and then in a moment I will never forget, he bent his head to mine and whispered in my ear, “I’m in love with you, Christina.” I felt his breath on my ear and a thrill shivered through me all the way to my toes. I think I forgot to breathe. “The more time I spend with you,” he said, “the more I know that I want to be with you forever. Please tell me you feel the same way. Or else tell me what I can do to make you love me in return.”

  I held him tighter, savoring the joy of his strong, warm body next to mine. “You don’t have to do anything,” I whispered. “I love you, too.” He caressed my back and sighed.

  “Then it’s settled. No one will ever keep us apart.” I knew by the way he gazed at me and by the love I saw in his eyes, that he meant what he said.

  We both know the tremendous opposition we will face. Only in children’s fairy tales do servants turn into princesses. But I made up my mind that I would accept that night as a gift, savoring the love I felt at that moment instead of thinking about tomorrow or the next day.

  Much too soon, the magical evening drew to a close. I could sense James’ anxiety growing as we danced the final waltz together. “I won’t let you go,” he said. “I need to figure out a way for us to see each other again.”

  “How? We both know it’s impossible.”

  “Don’t say that. We could meet somehow … somewhere …”

  “Without anyone knowing about it? Everyone in your household knows each other’s business, upstairs and down. There will be gossip. Your parents are sure to find out.”

  “When is your next day off?”

  “Next Sunday. A week from tomorrow. I’ll have the afternoon off.”

  “I’ll get a message to you. I’ll tell you where we’ll meet, and I’ll give you money for the streetcar. Will you come, Christina? Please say yes.”

  “Yes! Of course, yes!”

  We rode home together in his carriage, but we couldn’t talk because Vera was with us. I longed for a good-night kiss from James, but Vera pulled me upstairs to our room and gave me a stern warning about how foolish it would be to let myself be charmed by Mr. James. I pretended that the evening had meant nothing to me and went to bed, wondering if James would really find a way for us to meet or if he would see the wisdom in forgetting all about me by morning. I want to believe that he’ll find a way, but I’m afraid.