“I was so jealous of Mac I couldn’t see straight,” he admitted, the words tasting sour in his mouth. “He had everything. He lived in Coleville year-round. He had both his parents. He had brains. And he had Donna.”
“Jake—”
“No.” He held up one hand to cut his cousin off. “Stupid, but God, I envied him. And then that last day—I thought he was going to break my record. The one thing that was mine. I didn’t want him to. And while I was standing there worried about my idiotic record for holding my breath, Mac was dying.”
“We didn’t know that. We couldn’t have changed it.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter,” Jake ground out tightly, feeling the sharp sting of tears. He squeezed his eyes shut until he was reasonably sure those tears wouldn’t fall, then he opened them again and looked at Sam. “Mac’s gone. I’m spending time with his son. I’m sleeping with his girlfriend.” Shaking his head, he acknowledged the truth that had hit him on his ride home from Donna’s house. “I can’t do this to Mac, Sam. I’ve got to leave town. Tonight.”
Sam scowled at him. “We gave Jeremiah our word that we’d stay for the summer.”
“I know but—”
“Jake,” Sam said, “you really think you’re the only one of us dealing with what happened that day? The only one of us who feels guilty for living?”
“No, but—”
“Running from what you feel for Donna won’t help, Jake. Hell, you’ve been running for years, and you’re still in the same place.”
He sighed and scraped one hand against the back of his neck. He felt so damn trapped. His heart told him to grab hold of Donna and never let go. But his mind, his guilt, just wouldn’t allow it.
Sam slapped him on the back. “You need to talk to Mac.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Cooper and I have both had to deal with the past this summer, Jake. Now, it looks like it’s your turn.”
“Mac’s gone.”
“No, he’s not,” Sam said softly. “He’s still here, because none of us could let him go.”
Maybe he was right. Hadn’t Jake been feeling Mac’s presence here at the ranch? Hadn’t he spent nearly every minute half expecting to see his young cousin walk into a room? But talking to him? “I don’t know that I can.”
“I’m going to tell you what Maggie told me.” Sam’s voice dropped as he patted Jake’s shoulder. “You don’t need to run from Mac’s ghost. Mac loved you, man. He loved all of us. Do you really think he’d want you to be miserable for the rest of your life?”
“No. He wouldn’t.” Blowing out a breath, Jake yanked a stool out from beneath the counter and dropped onto it. Bracing his elbows on his knees, he cupped his face in his palms. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Sam?”
“You’re supposed to live, Jake.” Heading for the double doors, he said, “Now, I’ve got to go deliver a baby. Why don’t you go out to the lake and talk to Mac?”
Eleven
“How’s Jake?”
Donna’s head snapped up and she shot her mother a look. It was way too early in the morning to be having this conversation. But she couldn’t think of a way to get out of it.
Her mom had always risen with the dawn—and since Donna hadn’t been able to fall asleep after Jake left, she’d followed the scent of coffee to the kitchen. Now, she was thinking that probably hadn’t been a good idea.
Stomach jittering, she slapped one hand to her abdomen in a futile attempt to settle it. Boy, just the mention of the man’s name set her off and she wondered frantically if her mother could tell simply by looking at her, what she and Jake had been up to last night.
“He’s fine, I guess. Why?”
“Oh,” Catherine said, humming to herself as she stirred chocolate chips into the batter for cookies, “no reason. Just…wondering.”
“Uh-huh.” Donna shifted her gaze back to the checkbook she was struggling to balance. Too early in the morning to think, but she had to keep busy. Had to keep from remembering the night and how good Jake had felt. Especially with her mother so close by. The woman had some sort of radar.
Glaring at her checkbook balance, Donna muttered a curse. How hard could this possibly be? She knew how to add and subtract. How could her balance be so wildly different from the bank’s? Maybe, though, she was just too tired to think straight.
Shaking her head, she said simply, “Let it go, Mom.”
“I’m not going to do that, honey.” Carefully she dropped a tablespoonful of dough onto a cookie sheet. “If you think I’m blind to what’s going on between you two, you’re wrong.”
Sighing, Donna leaned back in her chair, kicked her legs out in front of her and crossed her feet at the ankles. Folding her arms over her chest, she cocked her head to watch her mom. “And if you think I’m going to talk to you about it, you’re wrong.”
After she’d filled the cookie sheet, Catherine carried it to the oven, opened the door and slid it inside. Closing the door again, she set the timer, then turned around to face her daughter. “Honey, you know how important you and Eric are to me, right?”
“Yeesss…” Wondering what was coming on the heels of that statement, Donna prepared herself.
“I want you both to be happy.”
“I know that.”
“And Eric is so enjoying himself with the Lonergans.”
“I know that, too.”
“But do you know how much you’re enjoying yourself?”
“Mom…” Donna straightened up in her chair.
“Honey.” Catherine moved quickly, took the chair next to her daughter and sat down. Reaching out, she cupped one of Donna’s hands in hers and continued. “You’re in love with Jake.”
Oh, God. She’d only realized that terrifying fact herself the night before. How had her mother picked up on it? That blasted radar thing again. A flush of heat swept through her and Donna resolutely battled it back.
“Mom,” she said, hedging the truth, “I can’t be in love with Jake.”
“I notice you didn’t deny it,” her too-astute mom said, then asked, “For heaven’s sake, why can’t you?”
“Because he’s open roads and I’m picket fences.” The simplest answer. The one truth she’d finally accepted about five this morning. Even while her body was still dancing a happy jig, she’d had to face the cold hard facts. No matter how good things seemed between her and Jake, it wasn’t going to last. It couldn’t.
“It doesn’t matter what I feel for him. We’re too different. We want different things.”
Catherine slapped her daughter’s hand.
Surprised, she yelped, “Ow.”
“Honestly, Donna,” her mother said, frowning at her. “It doesn’t matter what you feel? That’s the only thing that does matter.”
“How can you say that to me?” Donna asked. “I have Eric to think about. His future to protect.”
“Protect from what, exactly? Love?”
“Mom…”
“Honey, I know you’re scared.” Catherine leaned back in her chair. “Heaven knows I was scared myself. So frightened, I almost ignored what I felt for Mike because of the fear. But if you could see yourself the way I’ve seen you the last couple of weeks…you’ve come alive since Jake came back to town.”
Jumping up from her chair, Donna paced the kitchen’s length, turned around and paced her way back again. It seemed she was going to have this talk whether she wanted to or not.
Shaking her head, she talked, more to herself than her mother. “When I see Jake, everything inside me wakes up. Sounds silly,” she admitted, then kept talking. “But there it is. I didn’t expect this. Didn’t want this.” She flashed her mother a steely look. “I loved Mac, you know? I know I was only fifteen, but I did love him. And he died.”
“It was a terrible accident, honey. But you can’t live your life by that one tragedy.”
“How can I not?” Donna demanded. “Look at Jake. He’s an accident waiting to happen! The man races mo
torcycles, for heaven’s sake. He loves living on the edge. He loves risk. Danger. If I let myself love him and then lost him…how could I live through that?”
Catherine stood up, put her hands on Donna’s shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes. “Sweetie, if you don’t let yourself love him, you’ve already lost him.”
An hour later at the lake, Jake stood on the tree-lined ridge and looked down on the still surface of the water. As he watched, a soft wind whispered across the lake and tiny ripples stretched out, racing each other toward shore.
“Talk to Mac.” Choking on a half laugh, Jake shook his head and glanced from the lake to the sky and back to the water again. Was Sam right? Was Mac’s spirit, or whatever, trapped here because his cousins hadn’t let him go? Had he been waiting here for fifteen years for the three of them to come back together? To finally face that long-ago day and put it in the past where it belonged?
He rubbed his eyes briefly, massaging the headache that was pounding through his brain with every beat of his heart. Jake felt like a damn fool, entertaining such ridiculous notions. But at the same time, there was a sense of…closure gathering around him. Even if Mac wasn’t here anymore. Even if he’d long ago gone on to whatever was waiting for all of them, Jake realized he’d needed to come to the lake.
To tell his long-dead cousin just what he was feeling. To finally and at last, admit to all the crap he’d been carrying around inside him for years.
“Sam says if I talk to you I’ll feel better.” Dropping to the sun-warmed grass, Jake rested his arms on his up-drawn knees and sighed. “Doesn’t make much sense I guess, but I’m so tired of feeling bad, Mac. Of remembering you and feeling pain.” He frowned to himself and whispered, “I don’t even know what the hell to say to you. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t seem like enough. But what else is there?”
A cool breeze whipped up out of nowhere, drifted past him, swirling around him and then dancing on to rush across the open land surrounding the ranch lake. He smiled and imagined that Mac really was there. He could almost feel his presence. Imagination? Probably. But it was a comforting thing nonetheless.
“Eric’s a great kid,” he said, voice soft. “You’d be proud of him. But hell, you probably keep an eye on him all the time, don’t you?” This talking to Mac wasn’t as weird as he’d expected it to be. Felt almost natural. But then, the hard part was just beginning. “And if you’re keeping an eye on Eric, I guess you know what’s been going on between me and Donna, too.”
He frowned, yanked up a handful of dry grass and shredded it between his fingers. “I love her, Mac. More than I ever thought I could love anyone.” Just saying the words out loud resonated with Jake on a level he hadn’t accepted yet. But it felt so right. So real. He loved Donna.
A jolt of pure, male panic shot through him at the thought and Jake pulled in a long, deep breath. “I don’t know what that means—for either of us. Hell, didn’t know I loved her until just this minute. Shouldn’t surprise me, though, I guess. Even when we were kids, I cared for her. Didn’t want you to know, of course. But now, you have to know. I tried to steal her from you one night back then—but she ran from me. Back to you.”
He swallowed a knot of bitter awareness and forced himself to say the words he’d felt so desperately back then. “I hated you for that. Hated you for having her. Hated you for having what I wanted so badly.”
Tipping his head back, he stared up at the wide sweep of blue sky and the white clouds sailing across its surface. “And I loved you, too,” he admitted. “No matter how mad or jealous I was, I loved you.” The pain inside eased a little and the relief that coursed through him was so sharp and sweet, it was nearly painful. “God, Mac, I’ve missed you. We’ve all missed you.”
Sunlight glittered against his eyes, blurring his vision and making the world seem a little wavery, a little less distinct. And in a heartbeat, his mind’s eye drew up an image of the Lonergan boys as they’d been that long-ago summer. Young and fearless, the four of them had expected to be together forever.
“And in a way,” Jake said softly, feeling peace begin to slide into his heart, “we will be together always. You’re a part of us, Mac. None of us will ever try to forget that again.”
The sigh of the wind carried the memory of long-ago laughter and Jake smiled as the past slipped behind him and the future opened up in front of him.
Two days later, Eric slammed into the kitchen and glared at his mother. “Jake’s leaving.”
Donna dropped the pan she was holding and the clattering bang of it echoed throughout the room. She hadn’t seen him since that last night in her bedroom. Was he packed and leaving? Already? Without a word? “He is?”
“When summer’s over,” Eric said, stomping his way across the room to the refrigerator. He yanked the door open, grabbed a soda and slammed the door closed again. “Jeremiah says he’s going back to Long Beach.”
Slowly, calmly, Donna picked up the pan, finished drying it and bent to put it into the proper cabinet. Then he would still be here for another week, she thought, remembering that each of the Lonergans had promised Jeremiah to spend the summer in Coleville.
One week. Just seven short days and Jake would be gone again. How was she supposed to go back to living her life the way it had been before he’d crashed into the center of things? How was she supposed to face a future that didn’t have Jake in it?
Misery filled her, but she fisted her hands and forced a smile so her son wouldn’t know what was going on in her mind. Hoping her voice sounded calmer than she felt, she said, “You knew Cooper and Jake would be leaving at the end of summer, Eric.”
“He doesn’t have to go, though,” her son argued passionately. His cheeks were red, his hair, hanging down into his eyes, hid the glimmer of tears he was trying desperately not to shed. “You could make him stay.”
“What?”
“I know he likes you. He told me. So ask him not to go.”
Her heart ached as she looked at the boy she loved so much. He was growing up fast and in no time at all, he’d be gone, moving on into his own life. He was already leaving her behind one tiny step at a time. Even her mother was pulling further away from her. Just the night before, she’d accepted Mike’s proposal. Soon she’d be married and moving in with her new husband.
Everyone but Donna was moving forward.
Soon everyone but her would have a life. And she’d end up here. In the house where she’d grown up.
Alone.
She didn’t like the sound of that at all. No more laughter in the middle of the night. No more stolen kisses or the sigh of his breath on her neck as she slept. No more arguments followed by amazing kisses. How empty her future suddenly sounded.
Oh, a part of her wanted to do just what Eric asked. She wanted to drive out to the Lonergan ranch right this minute and beg Jake not to leave.
But how could she? How could she risk the pain of loss again? At fifteen, she’d been in love as only a teenager could be, and Mac’s death had nearly destroyed her. Now, what she felt for Jake was so much bigger, richer, deeper…if he should die—how would she ever survive it?
No.
Better to be safe than wounded.
Alone than devastated.
“I can’t, Eric,” she said, taking a step toward him even as he stepped back and away from her. A twinge of new pain erupted inside her as she watched his dark eyes flash with fury and disappointment.
“You mean you won’t.”
“I don’t expect you to understand,” she said, keeping her voice low and calm, though inside she felt like screaming. “But I have to do what I think is best for both of us.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Maybe,” she admitted, acknowledging the ache that had now spread from her heart to encompass all of her body. “But that’s the chance I have to take.”
Jake took a deep breath of the cool night air and realized that summer was almost over. And if his life hadn’t changed dramatically in the last c
ouple of weeks, he’d be thinking about leaving now. Just the thought of that fisted his stomach. But he eased the tension back by reminding himself that things were different, now.
He hunched deeper into his black leather jacket in response to a sudden, cold wind, and shoved both hands into the pockets. Walking out across the fields, he turned and looked back at the lamplit windows of the ranch house about a half mile away.
It was late, so the house was quiet, but it stood there in the darkness, looking like a safe harbor in a stormy sea. Which is exactly what that house—this place—had always been for Jake. And God, he’d missed being able to come back to Coleville. Being able to have this place to call home.
Smiling to himself, he started walking again, paying no attention to where he was going. It just felt good to be out under the sky. He’d left the sleeping house behind because he’d needed time alone. Time to think. Time to say goodbye to his old world and hello to what he hoped would be the next chapter in his life.
He’d spent the last two days tying up the loose ends of his past. He’d spent hours on the phone with Realtors and bankers, trying to shut down his business in Long Beach and arrange to have it reopened here, in Coleville. Smiling, he told himself he could build custom bikes anywhere. As to the shelter and everything else he had a hand in, he’d hire a manager to deal with the day-to-day stuff and drive down himself if he was needed.
But from now on, Coleville would be home.
He’d come full circle, and damned if it didn’t feel good. Right.
He knew he should be talking to Donna about all of this, but he wanted everything settled first. Wanted to be able to tell her he was leaving his old life behind so he could build a new one. With her. And Eric.
And hope to hell that’s what she wanted, too.
“Taking a chance, here, Jake,” he muttered. “She might just tell you to get lost. Then what?” Stopping short, he frowned at the realization that Donna might not be interested in having him around full-time. A summer affair was one thing. Day-to-day living was something else. Hell, as much as he wanted it, the thought of all that togetherness even scared him a little. What if he screwed it up? What if he let Donna down? Let Eric down? What if he just wasn’t cut out for the home-and-hearth gig?
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