Satisfying Lonergan's Honor

by Maureen Child

  What if none of this mattered and Donna didn’t want him? Shaking his head, he scraped one hand across his face, smiled and started walking again. He’d lived most of his life by taking chances—risking his neck for nothing more than a trophy and a check.

  This time he was risking more than his neck, though. It was his heart on the line, as well—but the possible payoff was so much greater than anything he’d ever known before. Hell, he hadn’t even told his family what he was up to. This was too important. Too big. He had to talk to Donna before he told anyone else what he was up to.

  Since that morning at the lake, when he’d finally settled things with Mac, he was looking at the world with clear eyes for the first time in far too long. Every breath was a blessing because it wasn’t stained with guilt, regret. Every kiss of the wind held a promise for a future he would never have been able to see before coming home again.

  In the distance, he heard the muffled roar of a high-performance engine. Stopping, Jake cocked his head to listen as whoever it was drove off, the rumbling noise slowly fading away. Then he shrugged it off and kept walking. Before Donna, his blood would have quickened and his interest would have piqued at the familiar memory of high speeds and excitement. Not anymore, though.

  Grinning, he lengthened his stride across the fallow fields. “Tomorrow, I ask Donna to marry me. And that’s enough excitement for any man.”

  Donna paced in the kitchen, clutching the phone to her ear. Listening to the ringing on the other end of the line, she pulled back the kitchen curtains, stared out at the darkness and just managed to squelch a whimper.

  Where was Eric?

  She hadn’t seen him since that afternoon, when they’d had the argument over Jake. She’d wanted to give him a little space. But now as the clock edged toward midnight and there was still no sign of him, worry was turning to sheer panic. Now, she was only praying that her son was safe and sound at Jason’s house.

  “Hello?” A woman answered, only half-awake.

  “Vickie?” Donna spun about, twining her fingers around the curling phone cord to the old wall phone. “I’m so sorry to wake you up. But is Eric there with Jason?”

  “What? Donna?” The other woman was clearly trying to wake herself up, but doing a slow job of it. “Eric? No, Eric’s not here.”

  A sinking sensation opened up inside her and Donna felt fear roar into life. “Are you sure?” she managed to ask.

  “I’m sure, Donna,” her friend said, awake now and starting to pick up on the worried vibe. “Jason’s at my mom’s house tonight. It’s just me and Joe here.”

  “Oh, God.” She pushed her hair back from her face and tried not to shriek. Where could he be? With Jake? Would he have gone all the way out to the Lonergan ranch in the middle of the night? But if he was there, Jake would have called her. Wouldn’t he? And if Eric wasn’t there, then where was he?

  “Donna, don’t worry,” Vickie said, though the tremble in her voice clearly said that she would be, in Donna’s place. “You know he’s okay. What kind of trouble could he find in Coleville?”

  “True,” Donna said firmly, fighting her demons, determined to will her son into safety. “He’s fine. He’s just lost track of time. You know how kids are…” Eric never lost track of time. Eric never missed his curfew. Eric never made her worry and wonder.

  Oh, God, where is he?

  Then the line clicked and she said quickly, breathlessly, “I’m being beeped. It’s probably him. Bye, Vickie.” She tapped the call waiting button and said eagerly, “Eric?”

  “Ms. Barrett?” A deep voice. One she didn’t recognize.

  “Yes.”

  “This is the highway patrol…”

  Still clutching the receiver to her ear, Donna slid down the wall and dropped to the floor.

  Twelve

  St. Charles Hospital sat halfway between Coleville and San Jose. Mind racing, heart pounding, Jake made the fifteen-minute drive in just under ten minutes. For the first time in his life, speed just didn’t feel like enough.

  He parked Sam’s truck in the lot, raced across the asphalt and burst through the Emergency Room doors, gaze-scanning the faces of the people gathered in the waiting room. The walls were a pale, mint-green, a TV in the corner was keeping up a steady stream of quiet conversation and the air smelled of disinfectant and panic.

  God, he hated hospitals.

  Donna’s mother leaped out of her chair and crossed to him instantly.

  “Jake, I’m so glad you came.”

  “Thanks for calling me,” he said quickly, reaching out to give her a hard, fast hug. Then he asked, “Where’s Donna? How’s Eric?”

  “He’s all right,” Catherine said, as an older man with graying hair and kind eyes walked up behind her to lay one hand on her shoulder. “Or, he will be.”

  “Thank God.” He felt as every ounce of his strength rushed from him in such a flood he almost lacked the ability to stand up. “Donna?”

  Catherine glanced at the double doors leading into the inner circles of the hospital. “She’s in there. With him. They won’t let anyone else in.”

  “They’ll let me in.” Jake started for the doors himself.

  “She doesn’t know I called you,” Catherine said softly.

  He glanced back at her and forced a smile. He wished it had been Donna who’d called him, wanting him there with her. Wished he had been with her earlier, sharing her worry over Eric. Wished…hell, he wished a lot of things. But none of that really mattered. All that counted was that he was here now. And he wasn’t going anywhere.

  Nodding, he said only, “It’s okay. It’s good you called.”

  She smiled and leaned back into the man behind her as Jake headed for the doors leading back into the treatment area. He slapped one hand on the opening mechanism and ignored a nurse already hustling up to try to stop him. She took one look at his set, steely features and waved him on through.

  Good call.

  His boot heels clacked against the linoleum floor and his gaze darted to either side of the aisle he walked. Maroon cotton drapes hung from metal rods around the beds and he checked quickly, quietly, for the one face he needed to see. Finally, at the end of the aisle, he spotted Donna, alone, hunched in a lime-green plastic chair.

  She looked up as he approached and jumped to her feet, racing toward him. He opened his arms and she pressed herself to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and burrowing her head into his chest. He held her tightly to him, grateful to feel the racing beat of her heart pressed to his.

  “Hey, hey,” he whispered, rubbing his palms up and down her back, “your mom says he’s going to be okay.”

  She nodded, still not looking up, not pulling away from him, as if needing the connection. Which was okay by Jake, since he felt the same way. His gaze shifted, taking in the hustling emergency area, doctors and nurses scuttling from one bed to the next, machines humming and beeping, and the occasional moan from a patient.

  He held Donna tighter, resting his chin on top of her head. Her scent wafted up to him and he drew it deep inside, using her very presence to ease the sharp points of worry and fear that had been stabbing at him since receiving her mother’s phone call.

  “He’s in X-ray,” Donna muttered thickly, tears choking her voice. “But the doctor thinks it’s just bruised ribs and a broken leg.”

  He sighed, relief shuddering through him. “That’s good news, babe. Very good news.”

  “Thank God, he stole your helmet along with your motorcycle.”

  A twinge of guilt poked at him. God knew he was used to the feeling, but this time, it was so much worse. If he hadn’t left the keys in the bike, Eric never would have been able to sneak it out of the barn. If he hadn’t gone for that long walk, he’d have been there when the kid showed up. If he hadn’t come home to Coleville at all, none of this would have happened.

  “Oh, God, Jake I was so scared.”

  “I know,” he whispered. “Me, too.”

  Inh
aling sharply, deeply, Donna gathered the frayed edges of her ragged emotions and pulled back in the circle of his arms. She’d been sitting here in this terrible place for the last twenty minutes, alone but for the torrents of thoughts racing through her mind.

  Hearing from the police that Eric had stolen Jake’s motorcycle and then tried to take it out onto the highway had stunned her. He’d never done anything like that before in his life. And just thinking about what might have happened—if he hadn’t been wearing Jake’s helmet…if he’d crashed the bike into someone else…if he’d died…

  Glaring up at Jake through tear laden eyes, she accused, “He was on your motorcycle.”

  Jake winced. “Your mom told me. He must have taken it while I was out of the house.”

  She pulled her arms out from around his waist, clenched one hand into a fist and slammed it into his chest. “If you hadn’t let him work on that stupid bike,” she muttered thickly. “Told him about all those damn races you enter…” She hit him again and noticed that his expression never changed. Concern shone in his eyes along with something deeper, warmer.

  But her fear was in charge now along with the well of relief that things had not been worse. “Damn it, Jake, he’s just a kid. He never should have gone anywhere near that bike. Never should have tried to ride it. He could have been—”

  She broke off, unable to even voice the hideous thought that kept worming through her brain with a sly greasiness to churn her stomach and tear at her heart.

  “He’s fourteen, Donna,” Jake whispered. “That’s pretty much a stupid age. Boys do dumb things. Risky things. It’s all part of growing up.”

  “Stealing motorcycles and going on joyrides is part of growing up?”

  “I didn’t say it was right—but I do understand it. And the point is, he’s okay, babe,” Jake whispered, gathering her in close again, holding her tightly to him, despite the rigid stiffness of her spine.

  “No, the point is, I might have lost him tonight.”

  “But you didn’t,” he reminded her, a muscle in his jaw ticking spasmodically. “We didn’t.”

  “I can’t do this, Jake,” she whispered, voice breaking as she stared up into his eyes. “If something had happened to him—”

  “Donna, he’s okay. He’s alive. He’s safe.” He cupped her face with his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes. “I’m here with you. You’re not alone. We’re not alone.”

  “I have been for so long…”

  “I know, babe,” he whispered, thumbs easing her tears from beneath her eyes. “And you’ve done a hell of a job.” He took a breath, let it ease out again and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left the key in the damn bike. If I hadn’t…”

  Donna saw the pain in his eyes and knew, for the first time in her life, that someone else was feeling exactly what she was. She felt his strength, and drew comfort from it. Read fear in his eyes and knew that he would face that fear and do whatever he had to do to conquer it. Felt the love in his hands and knew she couldn’t live without it.

  God help her, she’d been alone so long, it felt wonderful to have him here with her. To have him hold her and comfort her, to know that he loved Eric as much as she did. That he shared her fear and her relief.

  And just like that, her anger drained away again, leaving her trembling. “I’m sorry, Jake. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, I know that. I’m just—”

  “I know, Donna,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head, whispering into her hair. “I feel it, too.”

  “Hold me, okay?” she murmured. “Just don’t let me go.”

  “Not a chance.”

  Minutes crawled past and they stood, separate and apart from everyone else in the hospital. Together, they waited and when the doctor finally came in, they turned together, to face whatever he had to say.

  “Ms. Barrett?”

  “Yes.” Donna clutched Jake’s hand and drew strength from his firm grip.

  “Eric’s going to be fine.” The tired young doctor smiled at her slump of relief. “I want to keep him overnight for observation. Even with the helmet he was wearing, he’s got a slight concussion.”

  “But he’s okay,” Jake insisted.

  “You can take him home tomorrow.”

  “Thank you,” Donna whispered, turning her face into Jake’s chest.

  “Can we see him?” Jake asked, keeping a one-armed grip around Donna’s shoulders.

  “Sure.” The doctor smiled, checked his clipboard, then said, “See the nurse at the door. She’ll take you to him. We’re getting his room ready.”

  Eric looked impossibly young lying in a hospital bed. His dark hair was brushed off his forehead and a white bandage covered his eyebrow over his right eye. His left leg was in a cast up to his thigh and a pale green thermal blanket was draped over him.

  Donna pulled away from Jake, leaned over her son and kissed the top of his head. “I was so worried.”

  “I know. I’m really sorry, Mom.” His eyes were glittering with pain and shame. He shifted a look at Jake, standing right behind Donna. “And I’m really sorry about your bike.”

  Jake moved up to the bedside, reached down and took Eric’s hand in his. “The bike doesn’t matter. The only important thing is that you’re okay. Although, we will be having a long talk about stealing and driving without a license.”

  “I know,” he said, words slurring as whatever medications he’d been given took effect. “I’m really sorry.”

  The boy’s eyes closed and his breathing settled into a deep, even pattern. Donna glanced at Jake and gave him a half smile. “I don’t want to leave him.”

  “He’s in good hands.”

  “I know but—”

  “Come on,” he said, taking her hand in his. “I think we could both use some air. We’ll come back and see him again once they get him settled.”

  She nodded, but reached out and stroked Eric’s hair one last time before following Jake down the long hall toward an exit that would let them avoid the waiting room. They’d have to see her mother and tell her the news about Eric soon. But for now, he wanted a moment or two alone with her. The cool night air surrounded them as they walked across the parking lot to the edge of a courtyard.

  Moonlight coursed down on the square patch of grass and painted dappled patterns on the ground as it shone through the trees. Jake guided Donna toward a stone bench and eased her down. She’d left the house without a jacket, so he shrugged out of his and draped it over her shoulders. She clutched at the edges of the leather jacket and hugged it tightly to her.

  Watching her, the woman who had changed everything in his life, he felt…blessed. Tonight, he’d felt closer to losing all that mattered to him than he ever had before. The fear for Eric, the concern for Donna—if he hadn’t already made the decision to stay here, with her, tonight would have convinced him to.

  He’d never be able to leave Donna. Even if he were on the far side of the world, he would always wonder about her. About Eric. He would lie awake nights asking himself if they were safe. If they needed him. If they missed him.

  And he knew, he would never know peace in his life without the two of them with him.

  “Jake—”

  “Donna—”

  They stopped, smiled awkwardly at each other until he nodded and said, “Go on.”

  She huddled in his jacket, tossed her hair back out of her eyes and said, “I only wanted to say thanks for being here with me tonight.” She inhaled sharply. “I really needed someone—No,” she said with a shake of her head. “That’s not true. I needed you.”

  “I’m glad to hear it,” he said, going down on one knee in front of her, so that their gazes were level and he could look directly into her eyes. “Because that’s how I feel all the damn time.”

  “What do you mean?” The words were barely more than a whisper.

  “I mean I love you, Donna,” Jake said, gaze moving over her features, detailing every line and curve of her face. “I think I�
�ve always loved you.”

  She sucked in a gulp of air, blinked rapidly and said, “If this is because you’re feeling guilty about the motorcycle, then—”

  “No.” He said it quickly, firmly. “I’ve lived with guilt, I know what that’s like. And, I’ve finally put the guilt aside, too.” He reached out and took both of her hands in his. “But I can’t imagine being able to live without you and Eric in my life.”

  “Jake…”

  “Just let me say this, okay?” he asked, giving her a half smile. “Then you can decide.”

  She nodded.

  “I want to marry you, Donna.”

  Her mouth dropped open.

  He held her hands tighter, locking their fingers together as if daring the fates themselves to tear them apart. “I want to help you raise Eric. I want to have more children with you and watch them grow.” His breath caught as the words fell from him, and he knew he’d never taken a bigger risk in his life. He’d never wanted anything more in his life. Somehow, he had to make her see just how important she was to him. How good they could be together.

  When the words came anew, they rushed from him as if he couldn’t say enough, quickly enough. “I want to hold you in the middle of the night. I want to be here for your tears. Your laughter. I want to be the one you call when you need help. I want to be the man you love.”

  Donna reeled with the impact of his words. But it was more than that. It wasn’t just what he was saying, but what he was feeling. All written so plainly in his eyes. She felt his love pouring warmth and strength into her and knew that everything would be all right.

  How foolish she’d been to tell her mother she couldn’t risk loss on the chance of love. Tonight, she’d learned that lesson all too well.