He wants it all

by Marilena Barbagallo

  He taps on my shoulder and leaves me alone.

  The Father sent Manuel away. Great. My day has suddenly improved.

  26

  AMBRA

  Idiot!

  How could I have thought he could change, that he could be my well-being?

  It was only wonderful for such a short time. It's a mirage to have spent a night with him in "human" conditions, I regret every single moment spent in that bed. And I'll shout it in his face, yes, I'll shout it out. If words hurt him, he hasn't seen anything: I'm going to destroy him verbally, so he'll realize that I can hurt him worse than any of his gestures.

  He left me in that bed as if I was a whore, just used to fuck. That's what he did: he just used me and made me feel good for nothing. I have never been humiliated this way throughout my whole life, I have never gone to paradise so fast and then plunged into hell just as fast as with him.

  Krum is my hell.

  I told him. I think so and I’ll continue to think so. Then he says that I'm damned just because I give voice to my thoughts. What was he expecting, that I'd tell him that I had forgiven everything without hearing his excuses?

  I get to my doorstep without any problems. When I get in, I free my tears again and panic when I see Emma sitting on the edge of my bed.

  “W-what are you still doing here?” I try to dry my tears, but it's too late. She comes near me and caresses my face.

  “Ambra, what's the matter?”

  “Nothing, I'm just… I'm just…” I don’t know what to say, I don’t have the strength to invent anything and decide to tell her the truth, that is burning more at the moment. “Krum!”

  She widens her eyes and drags me to bed, pushing me to sit down.

  “What did that wild man do?”

  “I'm so ashamed,” I take a deep breath, I won’t tell her who Krum is.

  She doesn’t know my obsession with my kidnapper and she cannot know who is hidden behind the inhabitants of the Temple.

  “Are you ashamed of me, your best friend? Come on, darling, tell me everything.”

  Emma can sometimes be so thoughtful and soften me up in a moment. I put my head on her shoulder, she caresses my skin and suddenly I feel better.

  “We spent the night together. It was the most intense night of my life.”

  “But that's great! Why are you crying, darling?”

  “This morning I said a word to him that didn’t please him and he totally changed his attitude. He left me in bed like… like…”

  “What an asshole!”

  “He humiliated me, Emma. He made me feel good for nothing.”

  !Oh, Ambra.”

  She hugs me and I appreciate that she doesn’t ask for any other secret. She's there and for me it's very important, since here I'm completely alone and I can trust nobody.

  “He is…” I swallow and finally the tears calm down, “he's amazing, he makes me feel good, but then… when I tell him what I think, he becomes a new person and returns to who he really is.”

  “He's just a wild one! I understood it from the way he talked to me last night; he was looking for you as if he had lost his property.”

  “Forget it. It's not worth wasting words on him. He's really hopeless. Will you be so kind to ask me nothing more, please?”

  “Surely,” she smiles and massages my thighs. She still wears the dress of the night before, but she has make-up on, she certainly brought her arsenal with her.

  I try to change the subject to prevent her from asking for some information about my stay here and start a discussion about her directly.

  “You've met your Oscar, at last.”

  Her eyes shine with lust and sweetness, a strange mix that makes her really beautiful.

  “Oh, Ambra, you don’t know how happy I am for having accepted your invitation.” She stands up and begins to walk around the room, becoming a bit sad. “I feel guilty to tell you about my evening now that I know yours was a flop.”

  “Don’t worry. Tell me. I need to turn off everything and you are always able to put me in a good mood.”

  “One word: unforgettable,” she says with malice, almost jumping on the floor.

  “Were you together last night?”

  She nods excited, I've never seen her like that.

  “In a while, he'll come and take me home, I think we'll see each other again. He's a guy with a thousand resources, he's nice, intelligent, thoughtful and in bed, oh, Ambra… Unforgettable. I have no words!”

  “I'm happy for you, Oscar is really a nice person.”

  I must have sadness in my eyes, because Emma's seem to be infected by my bad temper. I don't want to ruin her day, but I know that at the time I am not the most suitable person to share joys with. She comes near me and she kneels down, putting her hands on my knees.

  “I don’t know what you're doing here, Ambra, but I want to give you a tip: don’t think too much about feelings; don’t give importance to that man's gestures; protect yourself and demand respect. I know you can. I once told you to let go, but this time I want you to keep control of your life as you've always done. I've never seen you cry for anyone except for yourself. Keep thinking about yourself, and only when you know it's worth it, open your heart to the one who deserves it.”

  I nod and welcome the new tears that trickle down my face.

  “Thank you.”

  “For what? Thanks to you I was able to meet my masked man.”

  She pulls up and winks at me; then we hear knocking at the door. I point to Emma to open and silently I let her know that I want to see nobody.

  “It may be Oscar,” she says.

  “Okay, see you soon. Go with him and have fun.”

  I hug her and watch her go away. I feel more and more alone and as soon as the door closes, I realize I'm trapped again; the tears no longer serve to show me how much I am sinking into discouragement.

  He succeeded again. Thanks to Krum I've forgotten part of that past that made me sick, but the pain hasn't gone away. It exploded in me in a new way and I feel it everywhere. He will always hurt me, he will always find the way to make me suffer and I don’t want to give him anything anymore.

  I take a shower and erase his passage from my body. I mustn't blame myself to have looked for him. I needed to feel good and that was how it was. Unfortunately the consequences were heavy and now I know that having Krum means accepting his own darkness and embodying it.

  As I wash my body hoping to eliminate humiliation, suddenly everything becomes clear and confusion disappears.

  Krum is a burning desire, an illusion, a fantasy. Being with him was like going into a dream, but like all dreams that end, awakening turned out to be something that burned me so deeply that left its marks on me, not just those marks that he took care to leave on me just to mark his territory.

  Now I know it's an engraved mark on me, since before I knew him really. He has always been in me, on my skin. Tonight I thought it was oxygen, an essential need, but it was just a need that hurts. The price of that brief moment of peace, now seems too expensive, and I cannot breathe if I think of how I let him come inside me, beyond the literal concept. You cannot have Krum without taking his darkness too, without accepting the demon he hides. Should I help him to be an asset for me?

  I beat my head on the tiles. I am horrified by my own thoughts. After all he's done, I'm still here trying to find a solution that will keep him with me.

  When I get out of the shower, I'm determined more than ever. I’ll look for Leonardo and talk to him. I’ll ask him what I need to do to go back home and look forward to fulfilling my duties, if that is the case. I think about Daddy's letter and I feel more confused than before: he was worried, and his words clearly revealed the warning. If I have to go to the core of the question, I must do it soon, so that I can get away from the Temple and so from Krum.

  I'm wearing jeans and a pearl-grey silk blouse, Emma only got elegant clothes, not comfortable tracksuits. I should have asked her to bring them. I put on a
bit of make-up and, with anger in my stomach, I leave my room and go downstairs.

  I have a lump in my throat that is hard to get rid of, I hope with all my heart not to meet the man who is inexorably ruining my existence. I meet a housekeeper who is polishing silverware and ask her where I can find the owner. The lady kindly leads me to his office and announces my presence beyond the door with golden inserts. Here everything is a masterpiece. In this wing of the villa there are frescoes on the wall and ceiling, incredible carpets and exceptionally beautiful objects.

  “Let her come in. Thank you Anita.” I hear Leonardo's voice giving me permission to enter, I smile gratefully to the woman and I walk through the door of a gorgeous office.

  The Father stands behind his desk, smiles at me with that look full of promises.

  “Sit down, Ambra.” He points to a very high armchair, right in front of the cherry-wood desk. When I reach it, I leap up because in the armchair beside it, absorbed in his cockiness, there is Krum whose muscles are exploding out of his black shirt.

  My throat is dry and I have no courage to speak to him. He doesn’t deserve any attention. He, as unperturbed as usual, looks at me as if nothing had happened. Maybe he is used to people looking for him, but this time I won’t run to him even if I have to get taken by perpetual nightmares.

  “What's the reason for your visit?” Leonardo unbuttons his jacket and sits down.

  Behind him the large window exposes the lush garden as if it were a bright painting.

  I move anxiously on the chair and, drawing a breath of courage, I say what I had decided before .

  “I want to know what's behind my summoning. I think it's time to go straight to the problem. Tell me what I have to do, I’ll evaluate and face my duties.”

  I notice Krum's laughter, but I don’t care. The two exchange a glance of understanding and I feel they are making fun of me.

  “You see, Ambra,” Leonardo puts his hand on the table and leans towards me, “the point is that you have nothing to evaluate.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You're here because you must be here.” He underlines "must".

  “Oh, really?” Now I want to tease him. “You know, I hadn't understood that. I hadn't gotten it. I thought I was free to choose and now you're telling me that I must be here? I am deeply disappointed, Father.”

  I set myself on the chair, I breathe proudly and look at him challenging him. He can't force me to stay here.

  “Krum, leave us alone,” Leonardo's tone is by no means reassuring.

  “I prefer to stay.”

  With the tail of my eye I see Krum stiffen up, I'm sure he wants to poke into my affairs even in this circumstance. I'm not afraid of Leonardo Andolfi; rather, I take advantage of the situation to prove to Krum that I no longer need him.

  “Leonardo is right,” I look at him coldly, “they are issues between me and him, you can go, guardian. Your presence isn't necessary.”

  My voice has petrified this man who looks at me as if I had condemned him.

  “Oh oh,” Leonardo sighs, “you already speak as a member of the Sect.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your DNA is dominant, you were born to give orders,” Leonardo stands up and walks around the desk, pulls a cigar out of a box. He puts it in his mouth and takes a lighter out of his pocket.

  “I'd prefer you didn't smoke it. It annoys me!”

  “Well, yes, you were born to give orders,” Leonardo says, putting the cigar back into the box. He comes towards me and stands perfectly in front of me, leaning on the edge of the desk. Without taking his eyes off me, he repeats: “Krum, leave us alone.”

  Krum tosses in the chair, he is going crazy, I feel it. I notice his anger in the air, he doesn’t want to leave me with Leonardo.

  “I renew my intention to stay,” he has the usual pretentious tone.

  The Father seems to lose his patience. He offers me his hand and I grab it without reserve, only to send Krum into a frenzy. His neck begins to blush.

  “Do as you like, Krum,” he tells him. “Stay here, we're going for a walk.” He pulls me out of the chair and, holding my hand, drags me out of the office.

  I didn’t see Krum's eyes, not even for a second, I didn’t want to show him any interest and inside I'm enjoying so much, to the point that I feel my stomach emptying the anger and filling with pride.

  Leonardo leads me to the garden, in an area I hadn't visited with Oscar. We walk over a white cobblestone driveway leading to a light wooden gazebo and, once reached, we sit on a modern, circular sofa that outlines the gazebo platform.

  I'm not making any effort. I feel I have the right to have all the explanations I need. I don’t feel anxious or worried, I'm just here, present, ready to be perturbed by the words of this man who summoned me under mysterious circumstances.

  He pulls out a cigarette from the inside pocket of his jacket and lights it up. After the first puff, he finally begins to talk.

  “Our Sect is very young. It's not an ancient society, nor is it bound to other established ones. We are independent, autonomous and extremely reserved. You already know that the Italian Constitution prohibits the establishment of secret societies, but you mustn't think that we necessarily act illegally.”

  “Well, a secret society is already illegal in itself. Even if you distribute money to the poor, you are an illegal Sect.”

  Leonardo smiles at me, but his grin transmits appreciation. I understand that he doesn’t disdain my direct and honest replies.

  “Many years ago, I, your father and another friend - I cannot tell you the name yet - founded the Sect in order to put our riches together. The basic idea was to gather our strength to increase the power and wealth we already had. Our vision was very simple: setting up a group of men who had the possibility to reach set goals. Every member was to be a successful man, who had granted benefits to the society, certainly not men with questionable reputation. We wanted to be a group of omnipresent men. So we decided to welcome people who had a political role, who were in close contact with the banks, who owned industries in various fields; in short, charismatic and active men in our society.”

  “Why?”

  “To have the control.”

  “The control on what?”

  “On everything.” Leonardo puffs a cloud of smoke and gazes at me trying to decode my expression.

  “You, my father and certainly the others, already have enough power. You own a lot. Why do you need to control the system?”

  “To ensure the stability of our riches over time, to preserve our dominant position, to lead the system we have created, to nourish our well-being and our families. Forever.”

  “Aren't industries, hotels, shareholdings, and everything else enough?”

  “How do you think you can handle such a huge amount of power?”

  “Normally: working hard.”

  Leonardo smiles, without hiding that he thinks I'm naive.

  “Ambra, the system, to be in balance and to be able to guarantee stability to everybody, must be controlled and directed in the right direction.”

  “Which is the right direction?”

  “It's ours. Always.”

  “But doesn't it involve conspiracies and deceptions?”

  “Obviously, and that's why every member of the Sect is part of those pieces of the great puzzle that is our society. A politician gives you access to certain channels, a banker to others, a magistrate can do a lot, the Church can do so much.”

  “The Church?” I'm shocked. “Oh, God!”

  “To function perfectly, a secret society must have members that are inside every part of the system.”

  “But what have I got to do with this? Why am I here? I'm only a young newly graduated girl, I've never put my eyes into my father's business, I haven’t…”

  “You are his only heir and this is already a reason for entering the Sect.”

  “Why not my mother?”

  “When we founded the
society, we wrote down some rules, I'll soon let you see our Parchment and you'll have it all clearer. I, your father and the other member, decided to guarantee the purity of the Sect. We wanted it to be open only to the direct descendants of the founders or to the descendants of members scrupulously chosen, because it was coherent with our spirit. That is: to guarantee the economic stability of our family forever. We have never been interested in opening doors to others. We were thinking of creating a very small sect where only the chosen ones would have guaranteed their well-being. You are here because you are your father's direct blood relative. Your mother isn't amongst the potential members.”

  “I don’t understand only one thing: why is it compulsory?”

  “Because everything your father has created is also part of the Sect. We all became rich together, joining our forces. It is as if the power of your family grew over the years only because the Sect itself gained power. Imagine that all your father's companies, mine and those of other members, are part of a single company, which is that of the Temple. Only that it isn't written anywhere or rather, it isn't written in documents that can be consulted by outsiders.”

  “Are you telling me there is a contract that binds me to the Sect?” The void in my chest seems to welcome the slight beat of my heart making it echo in my head. I just hope this isn't the case.

  Leonardo slithers on the couch and comes near me, takes my hand and caresses it reassuringly.

  “Ambra, your father signed with his blood and bounded himself to the sect forever, involving inevitably all his heirs.”

  “With his blood?”

  “Details,” he winks at me.

  “So there is a contract?”

  “We call it Parchment. It contains our rules, the list of members and the commitment, that is the signature.”

  “With the blood?”

  “With the blood."

  “God!”

  I remove my hand from Leonardo's and I massage my temple. I'm shocked and incredulous. I thought these things didn’t exist or better, that they were part of a far non existing world.

  “What if I refuse?”

  “You'd lose many of the things your father created with much sacrifice.”