Chapter 8
Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops… at all.” -Emily Dickinson
Brian
I packed up what I counted to be fifty fucking boxes. Kate and Millie haven’t made it home yet. Kate texted me and told me she and Mom were getting pizza for dinner somewhere for a girls night. Whatever. I knew she just didn’t want to be home. Hell, I couldn’t fucking blame her. I knew what I did was stupid, but she’s really going to act like this? I didn’t know what to say to her. She wouldn’t accept sorry, so why should I bother giving it? Yeah, it was stupid, but I was drunk, really fucking drunk. After I grabbed the ring she chucked at me, I headed back to the damn hotel and passed out in the lobby. My body ached, and I regretted everything that had happened. The look that was plastered to Millie’s face wasn’t a look I ever wanted to see again. The pain sat heavy in her eyes as they filled with water. The anger boiling within her I haven’t seen in a long time. I felt weak knowing how much I hurt her. It actually made me feel like a piece of shit, which I was, no doubt. I only slept in the lobby for two hours before the kind lady at the desk woke me up. Since it was such a dead night, she sat with me, and we talked into the rest of the morning hours. She made me realize how much I wanted Millie in my life, but she told me to give her space that she knew my wife was going to need.
I made myself a sandwich and ate some chips. I guess that’s my dinner. I had work tomorrow, so the rest of the packing Millie and Kate would have to do. I can’t fuck up this dealership job, or we’d really be screwed. I’m lucky I was able to have that extended weekend off.
Millie scurried through the door with Kate. A few grocery bags in hand. I wanted to say something so bad, hug her, and make her feel my love. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bare my soul to her, knowing she’d shut me down. I was hurting enough, and I knew she’d shut me down. I have to, though, I just have to.
“Hey, Dad!” Kate walked up to me and hugged me tight. I held her for a second just realizing how much our baby girl has grown up.
“Hey, princess. So, have you thought of a date for Ben to come by? What about your birthday, what do you want to do for it?” I rubbed her shoulders, encouraging the conversation.
A huge grin spread across her face. I thought I earned some points.
“Dad!” she cheered. “Really? Can he come for my birthday?” she screeched, and her eyes lit up with that special glow my little girl always had.
“I think your mom and I can pull that off, what do you think, Mom?” I gave her a once over and smirked. Damn, she looked beautiful. I could tell she’d been crying, though, there was no hiding that look from me. She glared back at me. Not too sure she was pleased with me yet.
“Yeah, Ben can come for your birthday. Pick a place you want to eat at, sweetie.” She smiled at Kate, and then looked at me again, tugging her shirt down, like she was nervous or agitated. “Brian, a word with you, please? Alone.” She grimaced.
“Going upstairs to do homework and call Ben!” Kate yelled, bouncing up the stairs.
I walked with Millie in the kitchen.
“Millie, I’m sorr—” She cut me off.
“You’re not sorry. You can tell me whatever you want to tell me, Brian, but I know damn well that there isn’t an excuse you can give me to explain your actions. That’s just it, Brian, your actions speak louder than your words. This time, they spoke so damn loud and clear. I apologized to you for how I acted. You should have dropped the competition to make me upset.” Her eyes looked pained, like she couldn’t even stand the sight of me. Her body shook with small tremors, scared of what she just said, scared of arguing with me. She played with her hair to distract herself, but I saw all the body language. How was I going to fix this? I moved closer to her, and gently reached her arm. I looked into her eyes trying so hard to show her I’m sorry.
“Don’t,” she added with a whisper.
“Millie, fuck, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? I can’t even try? You’re just going to give up?” I leaned against the counter behind me. The thoughts in my head needed to get out.
“Give up? I’m sorry, you knew the actions you were doing were going to cause consequence, yet, you still fucking did it. Look at us, for christ sake, look at us, Brian!” Her voice was raised, but the words were choked out. She paced in small strides back and forth. She was falling apart, and she wouldn’t let me do anything.
I stayed silent. I didn’t know what to say. I thought about what she said, and it left me speechless.
“Our love is fucking speechless, Brian, and not in a good way. How can you love me and propose to me and move past the past and begin a new fucking future, and then do the stupid shit you did not even twenty-four hours later? I don’t think there is rekindling anymore. I think it’s just done.” An ugly sob broke loose. I walked up to her and wrapped my strong arms around her. She pushed to get out of my hold, but I wouldn’t let her. I needed to hold her as we uncovered the truth about our relationship. Was she right? Was this just done? I didn’t know which way my mind was racing in, but I knew I didn’t want to lose her.
“Just stop Millie. I’m not giving up on our marriage.” I held her as she pounded my chest.
“You didn’t have to give up on our marriage. You ruined it.” She wiped her eyes. She wouldn’t touch me. “I’m moving in with my mom, till we can figure things out. I’ll explain it to Kate before she goes to bed,” she squeaked, barely able to say those last words. Kate. She was going to be devastated.
She pushed past me, and I backed into the counter, like she stabbed my heart to pieces. I watched her walk out of the kitchen as if she walked out of my life. What the fuck just happened? I needed to leave. I grabbed my keys from the counter and stormed out of the house, slamming the door on my way out. My phone beeped immediately. There was a text from Millie.
Millie: This is EXACTLY what I mean. Now you’re leaving the house, and I’m supposed to believe you’re not going to go to the bar, get slammed, and not hang on another woman? The trust we had, you blew it. You wanted payback over leaving you dry. So you hang on another woman? You need help, Brian. There’s no logic in that.
I read the message and threw my phone on the seat next to me. I turned the ignition, revved the engine and sped off. I didn’t want to respond to her. My life had been altered, and I didn’t even have the reigns of control. Did she seriously just end our marriage? How dare she end our marriage then get pissed that I walked out the door? Our entire fifteen years together. Breaking up our family with our beautiful daughter? My head hurt, it pounded so far into my skull it didn’t have me thinking clearly. Like she imagined, I headed to the bar. I called Tommy, and he met me there. I needed to talk and vent, and Tommy was the guy.
My heart ached for Kate because the same thing happened to me when I was Kate’s age. My parents split, and it tore our family apart. I was so angry at my parents for splitting that it caused me to distance myself. I hoped that Kate wouldn’t do that with me, but there was no guarantee. Millie just fucked up my life in a matter of minutes, and it was just the beginning. I couldn’t believe her. I wouldn’t believe her until she actually moved out. Even then I couldn’t believe she’d divorce me. She wouldn’t. Our life was too set, and she needed me. She needed me in her life, and I needed her in mine. It was that simple, it couldn’t be over.
“Man, what’s been going on? You look like a bus ran you over. Trouble in paradise?” Tommy looked at me and sipped an ice cold beer.
I shook my head, staring at my beer bottle. I played with it on the bar, twirling it in circles and watching the beer swish around. “I’m pretty sure I fucked up big. Millie’s leaving me, moving in to her mother’s.”
Tommy looked at me and slammed his beer down. “Wait, what? Why are you here man? Shouldn’t you be at home sucking up and fucking her tits back into your life?” He chuckled.
“It’s past that, Tom. She wouldn’t let me touch h
er, she wouldn’t let me speak. I feel like I’ve lost her.”
I felt like I’d lost her, but I felt heartbroken she would even consider the option of leaving me before trying to work it out. It just made me want to drink more. I flagged the bartender down and ordered two more beers.
“Dude, if you don’t want it to happen, push her more. She will have to cave eventually.”
“This is why your single, Tommy.” I downed another beer flipping my head back.
“Come on, you look like shit, you’re in a bar drinking with me. Are you sure you don’t want to be single?” He looked over at me, nudging my arm with his.
“Dude, I don’t want to fucking be single. I have a family. My heart hurts for Kate the second she discovers that she’s moving with her mother to her grandparents’ house. She’s going to be devastated. Hell, she will probably blame me for it all.”
Tommy looked at me and turned in his swivel bar seat. “Look, I may be single, but it’s not like I never tangoed, okay? You need to find a way back in her heart, and quick before she up and leaves you. I know you want her in your life, but you have to do something big to get back in there. She needs to see proof you still want her, not just your lousy words. Trust me, I’ve been with enough women to know that they want big things.”
“I been talking to that chick again. She’s just easier to talk to than Millie.” I admitted.
“What? Dude, didn’t you learn your damn lesson already? You can’t fucking do that. Brian, you’re my best bud, but you’re in the wrong. You need to stop talking to her. I hope that’s all you’re doing.” He gave me a serious glare and I hated admitting the truth.
“Just don’t worry about it. I’ve got it handled.”
“Your marriage is falling apart dude, and you’re talking and only god knows what else with another woman?”
I should have just shut my mouth and never said anything. My life was pretty fucked up and I knew I didn’t want to lose Millie. But this woman just took the edge off. I knew it needed to stop, now, before things got worse.
I just listened to his lectures for a few hours and drank myself stupid. After hours of throwing back beers and Tommy and I shooting the breeze, I decided it was time to go home. I knew I shouldn’t drive, so I texted Millie. She was my only choice.
Me: Millie, I know you’re pissed at me but I need a ride home. I’m at the bar.
Millie: Brian you’re 32 years old, you are plenty old enough to be responsible and find a way home. I’m not your responsibility anymore.
Me: You’re still my wife, and even though you may think I’m not responsible, I just fucking texted you for a ride home instead of getting in my fucking car and driving myself. But hey, if my wife doesn’t feel she needs to be responsible for me, I’ll just drive the fuck home.
Millie: I’m on my way.
Me: Don’t bother.
Millie: Cut the shit, Brian, if you’re not there when I show up you can guaran-damn-tee I will pack my shit tonight.
Me: A marriage takes two so don’t blame this shit all on me.
Millie: I wasn’t hitting on other men. I wasn’t treating you like shit. I wasn’t making decisions without you. This marriage has been traveling down the wrong path for a really long time. The sooner you see that, the better this will get.
Me: Just stop.
I decided to wait for her. Maybe this was the time she’d actually talk to me without running away from me, like she did earlier. Maybe she won’t, but I didn’t want to kill myself or endanger anyone else on the road if my drunk ass got behind the wheel.
A short time later, her car pulled up and parked in front of the bar. I staggered forward keeping my balance. This damn alcohol was giving me liquid courage.
I slid in the passenger seat. There was silence. But I knew all hell was going to break loose.
“If you’re going to go to the bar from now on and get wasted, you better make sure you have a ride ahead of time.” She huffed and took off in the direction of home—the home that won’t be a home in just a short amount of time.
A loud slam and gentle rocking jarred me from my sleep. I groggily glanced up to see her walk inside the house without waking me up. That shit pissed me off and sobered me up.
Closing the front door as she was making her way up the stairs, I stopped her with my words. “You fucking stop where you are and come back down here and talk to me right now. I don’t deserve to be given the cold shoulder and a mind fucking. You get down here, and you tell me what you want,” I slurred, then walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch, waiting for her to come down.
She walked slowly down the stairs, holding the railing for what looked like support, as if she let go, she may fall. She sat across from me and crossed her legs. “I want to separate. I don’t know where my life is taking me right now. I love you, but it hurts. It hurts more than I can handle. I need time to think this through and time to figure out if I want to keep this marriage. I’ve exhausted my options over the years and every time it gets better, it just gets that much worse, too.” She stared at me, and her eyes killed me. The pain in her eyes, it was like an iron stamp burning into me. I gave her the words she wanted, not what I would have choose.
“Okay, if that’s what you want.” I swallowed the lump in the back of my throat. It might have been what she thinks she wanted, but I don’t think it was what she wanted. I didn’t want it. My heart felt like it was crushed. I wanted to say it was my fault, but I knew two were in this marriage, and it would be a lie and an easy way for her to blame me.
“I don’t know what I want. I need time to think.”
Chapter 9
“Hard times always lead to something great.”
-Betsey Johnson
Millie
My head felt like it was going to explode. I chatted some more with Stephanie, and she screwed my head on a little more, but I was still so lost. I knew that I wanted to keep my family, but I just don’t know if it was there anymore. I loved Brian so much, but sometimes you can love someone who doesn’t want to be held onto. It’s true. He may profess his love to me now, but where was he at the bar? Why were we on the trip in the first place? I used to think that everything would be fine because it always turned out just fine time after time. But, did I really want to live my life feeling just fine? Then that stupid freaking text message he wouldn’t tell me about. My mind just thought bad things from that all over again. Was he talking to her again?
Brian slept on the couch last night. I slept upstairs, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t really sleep. The conversation we’d just had before bed kept me awake. It tore me apart and ripped me to pieces, and I’m the one who made the decision. My heart ached for clarity. Brian was off to work early this morning. Honestly, I don’t even know how he made it off the couch with how drunk he was last night, but he did. I had packing to do, but I had my meet and greet with Dean. Dean, oh Dean. I wondered how this was going to go. It’s been a long damn time since we’ve sat down and talked. It’ll be interesting. I headed off, wearing a pair of jeans and a cute grey sweater to make my blonde hair pop with my ice blue eyes. I put on make-up, but softly, not overdone.
I got in my Malibu and headed to Coffee Castle. The sky was bright today, not a cloud in view. It was a nice fall afternoon. I tried looking into the sky, hoping it would clear my head, but no such luck. It was a busy day. I parked the car in front of Coffee Castle and let out a deep breath. Once I got out of the car, I picked up my stride and walked in confidently–shoulders up, posture straight. I saw Dean sitting at the table off in the corner. I silently pumped myself up, you can do this. I let out my deep breath I thought I was holding, but realized it was just my ragged breathing. The strong smell of coffee was just what I needed this afternoon. He waved his hand, calling my attention to his beautiful face. It was freshly shaven, his wide chiseled jaw was quite perfect, and his blonde hair was cut short, military style, just how I remembered him. Flawless. I walked up quickly to the table, and he
got up, opening his muscular arms.
Without thinking, I walked into them and rested my head on his broad shoulder. The smell of fresh linen overwhelmed my nose, but it was heavenly, almost intoxicating. After noticing I over did my hug and dragged it out a little longer than what was probably comfortable, I pulled away with a smile slapped silly on my face.
“Hey, you okay?” Dean locked his gorgeous blue eyes with mine, and I just wanted to cry, but I held it together.
“I’m okay, let’s have some coffee,” I screeched, choking out the words and sat down at the table, crossing my toned legs, accidently bumping his. I quickly apologized.
“Oh where to start, Millie, memories, huh?” He sighed, not of disgust, but relief of the happy things he was thinking. That gorgeous smile could light up the room. His eyes never leaving mine, he sipped his coffee.
“So, what do you do these days?” I asked nervously.
“I just got recently signed on to do a sports journalist job down in the city. Got my own office, I’m quite excited about it. Grateful, frankly, that I have a job.” He smirked, and yet again our eyes were locked.
Somebody Worth It Page 9