Somebody Worth It

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “Well, maybe if you didn’t treat me like a mother fucking piece of shit at the restaurant like I didn’t exist, then maybe I wouldn’t have had a reason to go to the damn bar. This was our daughter’s birthday, and you ignored me. You ignored me! You couldn’t even look at me! For Christ sake, Millie, look at yourself in the mirror and tell me you’re not a problem either, tell me you’re a fucking angel!” I ran my hand through my hair and sat on the edge of the bed while she stared out the window, refusing to look at me.

  “I won’t be your problem anymore, Brian.” She flipped her hair up in a messy slop on top of her head, then dabbed cream on her face.

  “When will you get it, that you weren’t ever a problem for me. You’re my wife, my wife.” I tapped at my chest. “I didn’t give up on you. You’re giving up on me. Don’t you ever forget that.” I let it flick off my tongue, exaggerating the word ever.

  She shook her head back and forth. “You’re crazy.” She pulled the covers back.

  “Yeah, I’m crazy for you.” My heart hurt so badly. I wanted her to see it, I wanted her to feel my love for her, but she just shot me down each time.

  Millie

  I woke up to the sun shining and the birds yapping away. I looked at the clock. Thankfully, Dean let me have today off. It’s moving day. I dreaded this day for a while, but the time has come. It’s Friday, so I’ll get to enjoy a three day weekend. I’m deathly nervous moving into my Mother’s, but it’s the only place I could go currently until I’m on my feet. I didn’t want to barge in on Stephanie either. Kate and I talked yesterday about the whole situation. She’s hurt, I knew that was coming, but she understands my situation. We talked more about Ben and even got a little pre-cautionary talk in there, too. It was very important to me that she knew the responsibilities and consequences of her actions. This move pulled at my heart strings today. In every which angle I looked I relived a memory. A memory I didn’t want to forget. I went around the house, ignoring the movers and Brian today. I took a picture of the house everywhere I saw a memory. I wanted to create a scrapbook of the memories we made in this house for Kate and me, and then our future memories moving past it.

  I stood up in my bedroom looking out the bare window. All the blinds were pulled up, the curtains were packed, the window was clean and the yard looked so bare from the second floor. My heart pounded, my eyes started to burn, and tears escaped my eyes sliding down my cheek. This was such an emotional day for me. I leaned on a stack of boxes, and my head fell into my hands, and I just sobbed.

  I cried for Kate.

  I cried for me.

  I cried for the memory of this house.

  I cried for my future.

  I wasn’t ready for this, but it was happening whether I wanted it to or not. Me moving to my mom’s was my choice. Me selling this house was not my choice. Life would move on, but why did it feel like a heavy weight was holding me down. Like I wouldn’t be able to move on?

  The door opened to the bedroom, and Brian stood in the doorway. His white t-shirt hung loose down his body, and his jeans hung tight around his hips. His hair was a mess, and his mouth was set in a thin line. He didn’t look to be in any better shape than I was. He staggered over to me and debated what to do seeing me like this. He placed his right arm around me and held me, pulling me into his chest. I caved, and my whole body shook. I wrapped both my arms around him and dug my head into his broad chest. I cried, hard and loud. He just held me with both arms wrapped around me. He placed his chin on top of my head and let out a small sob. We cried together. This wasn’t easy for either one of us. We were both in a situation we never thought we’d be in financially, or romantically.

  Bile rose in the back of my throat. This was tearing me up from the inside out.

  “Are you going to be okay?” he said softly rubbing my back. As much as we shut each other out recently, I missed the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. I felt safe for a second till I realized what made me not enjoy the moment. He was always a smooth talker with what he said to me, but his actions usually spoke louder than his words. Like selling the house behind my back and not consulting me, letting a woman kiss him in Florida, secret texting, being a complete and utter ass at his surprise party, and disappearing to the bar all the damn time. How can I not wonder if he's sleeping around too? I was just tired. Tired of not knowing how long I’d be able to put up with it all. Thinking about it now, I realize our marriage has been rocky for a long time. I know he used to speak with another woman and I have no real idea what actually happened between them, but I decided a long time ago to put it behind me for the sake of our daughter and my love for him, and each other. Then it was him living at the bar night after night because he didn’t want to come home to me. I had become a woman he hated until he realized what he was missing. Then he’d be home for a while or work himself silly to avoid being home. He was there for Kate but I never knew if he’d be there for me when I needed him. There’s been so much shit, it’s hard not to break down and give up a little. Florida was the icing on the cake for me. I was just mentally exhausted from not knowing what would happen next.

  He let go of me and looked down at me, gluing his eyes to mine. “I’m sure I will be, I always make it through somehow,” I said, wiping the tears from my face.

  “For what it’s worth, Millie, I’m sorry.” He softened his expression and took my hand to squeeze it.

  “Oh, Brian, I’m pretty sure we’re past, I’m sorry, by now. Let’s just move forward.” I half faked a smile. I walked past him and headed out in the hallway. The movers were instructed to fill two trucks. One for Brian and one for me. Kate helped them as she kept saying it was good exercise to get her prepped for a dance recital she had coming up. I let her do what made her feel comfortable. This was actually somewhat of a relief today. The extra money we got from selling the house went to pay off the majority of our debt. It was nice to relax and not get swamped with creditors and debt collectors for once. With this new job of mine, things would be like starting fresh. My phone pinged, and I read the display. A text message.

  Dean: Hope the move is going okay. Don’t worry here, I’m holding the fort down for you. If you need help this weekend, I’d be more than happy to help.

  I smiled as I read it. Dean was so sweet. I appreciated him enough for giving me the job. I didn’t want to have to make my now boss help me unpack all the crap I had. I think it could be a weekend to bond with my mother and Kate. We had to settle in somehow.

  I returned the text to Dean.

  Me: Dean, that’s very kind of you, but you’ve helped me enough offering me a job and giving me time off. I can handle the unpacking. All is good on the home front.

  Dean: Well, I’m here for you if you need me.

  I knew I didn’t have to tell Dean what was going on with my life. I’m sure he figured that one out on his own. He didn’t say much about it, and that was okay with me. It made my mind rattle whenever I thought he was going to say something, but turned around and let it rest. He didn’t pry, he knew eventually I’d come to him to talk when I was ready. He was being a great friend, like Stephanie was. Since he was my boss now, I tried to keep it professional.

  Millie

  The move was a lot rougher than I expected it would be. Kate cried, which made me cry, which in turn made Brian shed some tears. I felt horrible. In all reality, I was starting to be content with it. I knew at this moment, it sucked. But I thought for the long run, and the long run seemed to be changing by the minute. I don’t know if it was the move, stress, or what, but I felt like I got hit with a Mack truck after we settled into my Mom’s. My ears ached, my feet were sore as hell, my nose was runny, and to top it off I had a scratchy throat. I’m sure that my crying didn’t help the situation, but I felt sicker than a dog. Kate went to hang out with some of her friends after the move, and she was having a sleep over at Stephanie’s with Lesley. I was happy she went out to get her mind of the things that were happening at home.

  I lay i
n my bed and stared out the window. The weird thing was, I wondered what Brian was doing. Did he settle in his condo? Was he okay, or was he hurting? I have to admit it’s kind of weird without him here.

  “Knock knock.” My Mother, peeked her head in my room.

  “Hey, Mom.” She walked in the room and took a seat at the foot of my bed.

  “Well, you look like shit. How are you feeling?” She cracked a smile. Her perfect gym figure for her age always made me so jealous. She had just enough gray popping in her hair to show her age. Mom and I were super close, and I cherished everything about our memories. I was blessed to have such a good family.

  “I feel like crap. My head hurts, along with my feet and throat.” I sighed, letting out a puff of air.

  I shifted in the bed, sitting upright and leaned on the leather headboard.

  “I wasn’t talking about that kind of feeling, I was talking about how do you feel leaving Brian?” She grabbed my leg and squeezed it.

  I knew she’d get down to the nitty gritty at some point, just didn’t think it was going to be the day I moved into her house.

  “Oh, Mom, I don’t know. It’s weird without him here. How do you know you made the right choice?”

  She smiled. “Sweetie, I think a lot of women go through the same thing. You question things, you question your life, and you question everything. I think what you have to ask yourself is what aren’t you questioning? Because what you aren’t questioning is what you’re sure of. I love you and Kate with all my heart. I even love Brian, too. Your marriage is between you and him. If he doesn’t make you happy, or fulfill that completion that a marriage has, then you know it’s the right choice to be here.”

  I let out an exasperated breath. “So, then I guess me wondering about him and feeling weird that he isn’t here and wondering if he is okay, would be some unsure feelings.”

  “It’s habit, dear. You were with Brian for many years. You can’t expect those feelings to go away overnight. You can’t expect yourself to not wonder how he’s doing. He was your entire life.” She patted my leg, “Do you still love him?” she pried.

  Hearing those words come out of my mom’s mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. It had to be the hardest question I was asked and because it was so hard, and took me so long to think about the true answer told me my own answer. A few moments of silence came in between us.

  “I think I’ll always love Brian for being the father to my daughter.” I said.

  Mom held up her hand, stopping me from continuing. “Baby, that question shouldn’t have had any hesitation to answer it if you were still in love with Brian. I think you just figured out the answers to your questions, and you didn’t even realize it. I’m here for you, kiddo. I’ll always be.” She got up from the bed and leaned over me, hugging me tight. The burning was back in my eyes and water filled up around the edges. I hugged her back tightly. She was my rock through my life, and I’ll always look up to my mother. How hard was it to tell your mother that you failed your marriage and weren’t in love with your husband anymore? It must be so hard for my mom to understand it. But she’s by my side supporting me, no matter what.

  I lay in my bed and just stared at the TV screen, flipping through the channels, but not even paying attention. The lights flashing through channels put me in a daze. Life doesn’t always get easier, as some might say, mine has definitely gotten harder.

  Chapter 12

  “Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.”

  -Hugh Mackay

  Millie

  Two months of shuffling Kate back and forth where the only communication we had was short text messages, and it all comes down to this. Sitting in my car, knees shaking, the divorce papers folded in my purse. I knew it was the best thing to happen, but ending fifteen years of your life with someone wasn't easy no matter how you cut it. It’s been two months of hell. I never realized how hard it would be to adjust to doing everything on my own. The days away from Brian have been not only painful, but long. When you’re so used to a routine and it gets broken, you go a little crazy. I’m just not sure who went crazy more, myself or Kate. She’s finding it hard to get through this, but we’ve been closer than ever. She sat and talked with me about it the other night. She could sense things weren’t going to go back to normal with Brian. Maybe that’s what I’ve been waiting for, not her okay, but her acceptance. I’m not sure that Brian was ready to accept it, but that’s between the two of us. The emotional drain that I’ve been living in, needed to stop. I needed to move on with my life, and we both did for the sake of being happy again.

  I was happy with my new job, and things with Dean had been going great. We always managed to laugh, and even if we didn't talk, the silence was soothing, never awkward the way it had been with Brian. Dean and I have this communication that kind of blew my mind away. He knew what I was thinking before I would say it. He knew how I felt before I told him. We just clicked, and I’ve been a huge help in the office. We had a trip coming up that I was pretty nervous about leaving Kate for, but it would be so much fun, even though it was work related. We’d be traveling to Arizona to check out a sports team, and Dean had to write a huge article on how they are up and coming rivals to the best teams around. I’m looking forward to seeing the Grand Canyon, which I’ve never seen, and Dean would be a great tour guide. He’s just an all-around fun guy to be around. Kate and he got along great, since he’s been over a few nights here and there for work, or just hanging out as friends. He’s also been a great shoulder to lean on during this constant fight in my head with Brian. He’s been all ears and listened to everything I had to say. He’s put his two cents in here and there, but always one hundred percent supportive. It’s kind of nice to have that. I’m excited to be meeting up with both Stephanie and Dean for dinner. She’s been dying to get together, and Dean wanted to tag along.

  Brian’s truck pulled in next to my car. Mentally reinforcing my big girl panties with titanium, I inhaled, exhaled, and grabbed my purse. I opened the door to the car and a rush of nerves caught in my throat, making it hard to swallow. Brian’s rugged self got out of his truck and gave me a bright smile. Deep in my mind, I hoped he didn’t think there would be a good outcome, because I was already going to be crushing his heart today, I didn’t want to do it blind-sided.

  “Hey.” He pulled me in a tight hug before opening the door to Tony’s Diner.

  I nodded in response, and his eyes went from wide with hope, to small with fear. You could almost see the pain in them in the anticipation of today’s talk. Pretty sure he was not going to be blind-sided too much.

  He opened the door for me, and we walked in together and sat at a booth off in the corner, somewhat secluded from anyone else. I wanted this chat to be as private as possible.

  My eyes wandered from the ceiling to the floor then to him and quickly back to the ceiling and floor. My nerves were shot, and I wasn’t sure I knew how to go about this. Either way I knew I’d be breaking his heart. Hell, my heart was broken too. Broken of the promises we’d made to each other that we couldn’t keep and hold up to. Broken from the sense of having a complete family.

  “How have you been?” I started out easy. Hell, I started any way but shoving those papers in his face. Was it bad I was feeling bad about this? It was my decision, but it wasn’t getting any easier by the minute.

  His mouth opened, but nothing came out. He took a deep breath then locked eyes with mine. “You want the truth? Or what I tell people?” His posture sank slowly. This was going to be hell.

  “The truth, of course.” I closed my hands together on the table and played with my wedding ring, turning it around and around.

  “Hell, Millie, it’s been pure fucking hell. I’m miserable, I don’t sleep, and I haven’t eaten well because, god forbid, I can cook a meal without burning it. My mom pops in from time to time to attempt to cheer me up, but depression has taken over. I miss you, Millie. I miss every
-fucking-thing about you. The way you kissed me good morning, every morning. The way you gave me those looks while you put on your make up and clothes. The way you got everything ready for Kate perfectly. How you smiled at me when you surprised me at work with lunch just to say hello. The text messages of how much you loved me. I miss it all. I miss you. I love you, Millie.” He croaked on barely a breath. His hand reached across the table to grab my hand, fiddling with my ring. “That ring you’re playing with, it played with my heart for almost a month to make sure I gave it to you the perfect way at the perfect time. It symbolized my love for you and still fucking does. I hope you know that. This hasn’t been easy for both of us, I know it hasn’t. Kate is miserable she cries on my shoulder every night she stays at my place. She tells me about you and how you cry at night. Just cut the shit, Millie. Move home, I need you.” He demanded with tears forming in his eyes.

  How could I do this now? He poured his ever loving heart out to me, and I’m about to stomp it to the ground and wash away his dreams of having me back. God this hurt. Nobody could prepare you for this. Nobody could tell you how you were going to feel when approaching divorce. My feelings for Brian will always be there for him as the father of my child. I’m pretty sure I’ve just approached the hardest day of my life.

  “Brian.” I leaned my head from side to side, not sure which way to go, not sure what to say. “Our relationship has been a battle for a long time. You and I both know this.” I swallowed hard.

  “Millie, I made a commitment when I married you to be there for you through the good and the bad times. Here are the bad times, and I’m laying my balls out on the table for you. I need you in my life. I’ve never wanted something so bad it hurts.” He grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly. My eyes bore into his, and I got lost in his stare. I loved hearing those words, it was music to my ears, but it’s just too late. All the things he said to me in Florida, it was like they were gone faster than he could say them. I think he needed to learn how to live without me because I can’t take it anymore. I won’t. This was going to hurt. I knew he was digging his heart out of his chest and handing it to me on a silver platter, but those veins were still attached and I knew they’d bounce back just like they always did when he poured his heart out to me. Things always changed and never the way they needed to last.