“Can I help? Talk to me,” he begged with his eyes, those eyes that warmed my soul.
“I think I have it under control, Dean. You should go enjoy your movie,” Stephanie added, sensing I was in a bit of a pickle.
“Mom!” Kate opened the door to see the now crowd around me. She rushed over to me. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
I needed to go home. I just needed this moment to end. Now that everyone’s concerned, I just want to be alone. Nobody else was going to make this go away; I had to make this go away. Kate looked at Dean and gave him a hard look. Nobody even knows Dean yet and they’re already giving him looks! I couldn’t win no matter which way I went. My mind raced. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. That man was like a damn disease. It was like a drug I got addicted to. As much as I wanted Dean to be here, I needed space from everyone.
“Millie, let me take you home,” Dean added.
“No! At this point I’m going to walk home!” I yelled, standing up, embarrassed was an understatement.
I walked to the door, dragging my feet. I gave the keys to Stephanie, and it was a silent ride home. I ruined our girls’ day, and I was pretty sure I ruined anything with Dean. How could he understand what I was going through right now? He couldn’t possibly understand it. My thoughts raced around Brian and how much I wished he was holding me, too. I needed to figure this situation out and fast.
She drove straight to my house and had her husband meet her there to pick her up. They then drove Kate to a friend’s house because she wanted to go out. Kate knew life was confusing right now and decided that keeping her distance was best. I felt bad, letting her see me like that. She wasn’t used to seeing me break down in front of her. I didn’t know what to say that would make her understand, so I just said I wasn’t feeling well. It was easier to lie than sit there and explain myself when I couldn’t even understand myself. I’ve never felt so weak minded.
After a couple hours, there was a knock at my door while I lay in bed, pajamas and all just being alone. “Come in,” I yelled to my mom.
“There’s a man here to see you,” she said, opening the door while Dean walked in. He was wearing jeans and a black long sleeve shirt that clung to his toned chest. He was dressed so casually. I really got the opportunity to see him in his natural state that I haven’t since we’ve ran into one another. Those eyes, god those eyes could send me into a daze for a long time. I got lost in them as he entered the room. I was shocked. He was the last person I expected to see here. My mom gave me the thumbs up and closed the door quietly after he entered the room. Dean sat on the edge of the bed and rested his hand on my mine.
“I had to see you, make sure you were okay, Millie.”
Not really, but you’re here, so might as well explain it.
“I’m okay,” I lied. I really wasn’t okay, but after those words escaped my mouth I wasn’t sure I could explain it to him.
He scooted closer on the bed. “Millie, you need to know that I’m here. I know you’re going through a rough time in your life right now, but I’m not going anywhere. I let you slip away once in my life, and I’m not planning on doing that again, whether it means I could only have you as a friend or not. I won’t let it happen.” Lifting my hand he gently placed a feather light kiss on it. His words melted me. These men and their words were going to be the death of me.
Chapter 15
“You cannot easily drop a person out of your mind. Especially when that person left a special mark on your heart.” – Unknown
Brian
I never thought Kate would come to me and talk about how she was hurting. She felt like Millie and I were going to get back together, and, for whatever reason deep down, I wished it would happen, too. I haven’t been able to come to my senses enough to just give her what she wanted. I wanted this marriage to work out, and I told her a long time ago I would do whatever it took to make it work. I couldn’t give up as easy as she had. After seeing her this past week at the movies, it really made it even harder to not let her go. I walked past the bathroom on my way out, I heard her crying. I knew she was hurting, why she just couldn’t come to her senses, I’m not sure.
Work picked up, and I’ve been selling cars left and right. It’s kept me extremely busy in the last few weeks, and I’ve welcomed it. Anything to keep my mind focused on something other than my problems right now was worth it. Kate and I have been having father daughter time probably twice a week. I haven’t done much cooking, so it’s mainly been taking her out to dinner and watching her eat that fucking salad shit since she’s so fit and active in dance. She’s asked to stay with me while Millie goes on a work trip. I’ve taken it upon myself to accept, but haven’t discussed anything with Millie yet. I’ve been praying Millie would be back in my life by then.
Tom was coming by tonight to grab a few beers and relax. It was one of those guy’s night I was looking forward to. My phone buzzed next to me and I went to grab it.
Millie: Brian, can I come by? I think we need to talk.
I scratched my head and pondered what it could be about. I knew what I wanted it to be about, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. She’s shut me down so darn much since this whole thing started that I’m not sure I’m ever going to get my way.
Me: Yeah, sure. When do you want to come by?
Millie: Was hoping now, its Sunday, so I figured since you didn’t work Sundays, you’d be more available.
Me: Come on over.
Shit. I hurried my ass around the condo, grabbing soda cans and beer bottles and tossing them in the trash. I picked up the blankets and did a quick fold before spreading them across the back of the sofa. I lifted my arms and took a quick sniff, after shaking my head I ran into the bedroom and put deodorant on. I put on a hooded sweater and slid the belt through my jeans’ belt loops. I didn’t want to show her my bachelor lifestyle living here in this condo alone, so I wanted to make it look presentably clean at least. I knew she would see the lack of décor, but it had to be clean. It was Millie, and that’s what mattered to her. So, maybe if I proved to her the cleanliness I could do on my own, she’d be slightly impressed.
After a short half hour goes by, there was a knock at the door. I quickly moved to the door, taking a big breath of air and hoping for the best.
Sliding the door open, there she stood. Beautiful as ever, but man she looked worn the fuck out. Stressed or tired, I couldn’t tell the difference.
“Hey, come on in.” I pushed the door out further and gestured with my hand to welcome her inside.
I closed the door and followed behind her as her eyes scanned the condo, looking at the walls and around the room. I was taking in the sight of her. Her tight fitted jeans and loose shirt that curved around her body just right. Her hair was down loose past her shoulders just straight. She surprisingly was wearing makeup. I always told her she didn’t need it.
I stuttered, “Oh, uh, can I get you something to drink? Water, soda?” I asked, stepping past her and walking into the kitchen. I was trying to contain myself and my emotions around her. It wasn’t easy to say the least. It was hard going through this situation and seeing us so separated and secluded in our relationship. I could look at her and really not know what she did twenty minutes ago when I used to know her daily schedule, her life routine. Now it’s been broken for a few months now.
“No, I’m okay.” She sat down on the sofa I grabbed a beer out of the fridge because lord knew I needed one. My eyes glanced over at her sitting on the sofa, and her eyes just kept wandering, like she didn’t know what she was going to say next. I noticed that her rings were sitting right there on the coffee table and realized I never moved them since she gave them to me. I took a second to freak out, but figured it didn’t matter.
I walked over to the recliner that sat across from her. I put my beer down and sat down.
“Brian, you confuse me. You see me at a movie and kiss me like that. It’s torn me up. I can’t think straight. Why did you do that? Jesus, Brian,
I gave you divorce papers. You make my mind spin like a fucking tornado, never knowing where it’s going to land and destroy what is in its path.” Her look shot daggers my way while she kept searching the room for something to focus on.
“I just felt like it. I told you I’m not giving up without a fight.” I crossed my arms across my chest. She was confused, she was bothered by what I did, and I liked it. It meant she was thinking about me and maybe I had a chance.
“No! Brian, why didn’t you bother to do these compassionate things when we were together?” She stared me in the eyes. Those eyes made me nervous. What was she getting at? Couldn’t she see I was trying?
“Millie, come on. This hasn’t been easy.”
Her tone was off. She was starting to get upset. “Don’t Millie me, Brian. You’ll always be someone I love because you are Kate’s father. But, you make it difficult for me to love you any other way. When you kissed me you just made me confused.”
“I’m sorry.” I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t quite know what to say to her.
She glanced at the rings on the table. Great.
“It was a beautiful ring. I hope you’re not paying it off for life.” She pressed her fingers smoothly over her ring finger with no ring on it. She looked deep in thought.
“Millie, that ring was my grandmother’s. My mother gave it to me before we went on the trip. She told me I could give it to you a while before that trip I was just trying to think of a good time. I didn’t pay anything but to have it sized and cleaned.” I glanced down to look at the ring myself.
My cell phone started to buzz, and Millie reached for it to hand it to me. Her eyes glared at it and then to me, she threw the phone at me and stood up.
“Really! That stupid bitch? Really, Brian?” She got up and started pacing the condo. I looked at the display and of course it was Becky. Fuck me.
“I can explain.” I popped up.
“No, Brian, you can’t explain it. There’s no explanation for that bitch. See, here’s the thing, I came here for more clarification, and I just got it. You’re going to walk in that kitchen sit down at the table and sign the divorce papers. I can’t for one second believe that this is happening again. Two years ago you told me you were done talking to her. Then the secret texts in Florida, I should have known. I can never trust a word out of your damn mouth ever again. You’ve ruined this, Brian. You,” she snapped.
I walked in the kitchen and grabbed the papers as I started to sign my name. This was it. It was done and over and I did that. Why I was so stupid for talking to Becky again was beyond me. I didn’t have anybody but fucking Tommy, and we all know Tommy is a single low life with nobody. He couldn’t give me the advice I needed. Fuck. I’ve just ruined everything, and there isn’t any way to solve this.
“Why were you trying so damn hard if you were just going to rip my damn heart out again anyway? Get a life, Brian. Pick a woman for once, but it damn well won’t be me. Sign the papers!” she yelled, clearly getting upset as the tears were streaming down her face. Her body shook, and I wanted so bad to hold her, but I knew that wasn’t an option anymore.
I didn’t say anything to Millie. I knew no matter what I told her she wouldn’t hear it anymore. It didn’t matter anymore. It was over. My life with Millie was just done. After I signed on every page, she grabbed the papers so quickly out of my hand and took off. I hurt her again, and it wasn’t even intentional.
Millie
That fucking bastard. I got in my car and floored it back home. I took a glance next to me at the papers that sat there on the passenger seat so freshly inked. It was all sinking in now. I can’t believe I came here today with the slight chance I might consider staying with him only to find out he was still talking to that bitch. How long had he been talking to Becky for? For all I knew, he never really stopped two fucking years ago. I’m beyond hurt, it’s more than just getting stabbed in the back by someone who continuously professed his love to me and tried his damn hardest to get me back only to discover this. I knew I went there for a reason today, and I got my clarity.
Brian and I have had it rough. It wasn’t just recent events that got me stirred. Two years ago I caught him talking to a woman named Becky. He more than talked with her, he sent her pictures, and dirty conversations via the internet and soon it moved to phone conversations. He said he was going through some stupid spurt, and he apologized over and over for it. I don’t know whether or not he actually met her. I couldn’t trust what he said. In the best interest for me and Kate I let it go. He told me he would lose contact with her, and he would make it up to me. Since that day he’s made it hard to trust anything that he ever told me. I thought I’d never see the woman’s name again. Seeing it tonight just brought back a pain I didn’t think I would bear. Why was I confused? Because Brian made me feel like maybe I was making the wrong choice. Maybe there wasn’t supposed to be a divorce in our love story. I was wrong, very wrong. I was stupid to think that Brian would ever stop talking to this woman. I was so stupid in this relationship to think he loved me so much and that our love would conquer all. All it did was put us in a dark unforgiving hole.
The girl at the bar on our vacation, just proved that he’s never changed. He saw how jealous I was in the pool on vacation when I caught him talking to those two Barbie doll women. He’s been doing things right in front of my eyes and some I’ve always passed off as just my own jealousy when in reality it was him being the disgusting asshole he was. I could never be with a man I didn’t know was being faithful to me. I was stupid for staying two years ago. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.
My phone started going off in my purse, and I grabbed it quickly to give it a glance and noticed it was Dean.
“Hello?” I answered a bit in a sour tone.
“Hey, I was wondering if you had a second to come into work and help me with something real quick. Should only take about an hour or so, you’ll get time and a half,” Dean offered.
“Dean, I don’t know—” he cut me off.
“It’s for the Arizona team. I need to get it squared away before we make our trip out there next week.”
I looked at the clock. It was around three pm. I knew if I said no, I would disappoint Dean. I wanted to show him I went above and beyond the call of duty. I wanted to prove my work ethic.
“I’ll be right in,” I answered.
“Great, see you in a few.” He ended the call.
I needed to be professional about this. I took a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel. I let out a scream at all the anger boiling through my body from what just happened and knew I needed to clear myself before walking into work.
Chapter 16
“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.” -Conan O'Brien
Millie
A week went by, and I felt refreshed. Work has been so hectic, and it hasn’t even phased me. I welcomed the busy lifestyle because it kept my mind at ease with anything else. I have barely seen Dean because he’s been in and out of meetings and so busy prepping for this Arizona trip that we’re leaving on tomorrow. I’m a nervous wreck, but at the same time, I’m so excited to be going there and to see the Grand Canyon. Kate was excited to spend some quality time with Brian while I’m gone. As much as I knew we were over, he was still very much a part of her life, and for that I had to show my respect. Dean and I were making up our dinner with Stephanie tonight and then it was a long night of packing for a week. Kate said her goodbyes to me this morning, and it had just been a great week. My body felt stress free. I got sleep for the first time in a while. The bags under my eyes were starting to fade, my energy level was back up, and I didn’t feel like I was hiding myself at home anymore. I was starting to get back to normal. I welcomed normal with big open arms.
I’ve been filing some documents all afternoon and scanning some things into the system. It was almost time to shut this place down and head home to chan
ge and get ready for dinner. I noticed Dean’s head over the lines and rows of cubicles as he made his way into his office. He looked strained. I put my stack of papers down, got up from my swivel chair, and headed towards his office. His eyes met mine through the glass window and a small smile formed on his precious lips.
“Hey.” I knocked on the wood frame at the open door to his office.
“Come on in.” He gestured with his hand for me to sit. I stepped in and took a seat in the brown chair facing his wide desk. Papers were scattered everywhere, and he looked a mess.
“How are you? You look a bit rough.” I giggled, straightening a few things on his desk.
“You have no idea, Millie. I’m trying to get everything just right for our trip. Are you excited? I am. I can’t wait till dinner, too. I’m famished.”
“Yes, I’m really excited. I’ve never been, so it’ll be fun for me, plus meeting the team and all. Do you have all your questions prepared?” He tossed me a paper filled with questions on it as I ran down the list quickly to make sure they were suitable. We tossed ideas back and forth for some time, and he added a few of my suggestions to the list, which made me happy.
After sitting and helping for a bit, I returned to my desk to gather my things. It was finally time to head home, change into some comfortable clothes and meet Dean and Stephanie at LeGrou, some fancy Italian place.
~*~
“Millie! Over here!” Stephanie yelled as I saw her sitting at the table. To my surprise Dean was already sitting as well.
“Oh! Hi you two.” I smiled. Dean got out of the booth and helped take my light jacket off. I couldn’t wait to welcome spring in just a month and a half. I’m sure Arizona’s weather will be perfect, though, not a cloud in sight. He hung it up on the hook that was on the side of the booth. I scooted in, and Stephanie was wiggling her eyebrows at me. I knew exactly what that statement meant as Dean scooted in next to me.
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