Book Three_A Codependent Love Story

by Paloma Meir

  “My schedule is up in the air right now. I should have things sorted in March. I’ll bring her over then.” She took a step away, but I didn’t move sensing my mother wanted to talk to me alone, “And thank you for the leftovers. Your banana bread was always one of my favorites. Come on, Serge.”

  “I need to speak to him for a moment. I’ll send him right in when I’m done,” my mother stared into my eyes, an expression I didn’t understand again. I wondered if there were smudges on my face that both of them were too well mannered to mention. How that would be well-mannered made no sense to me.

  “Okay,” she reluctantly walked towards the kitchen.

  “You forgot your telescope," my mother said as the kitchen door swung closed.

  “I think I’ll buy a new one instead. The one in my room is outdated,” I looked down at my feet and felt like I was five.

  “She’s not right for you. You’ll only ever hurt her.”

  “Is she not smart enough for me?” A rush of anger filled me. Something I had never felt towards my mother before, “Is she stupid mother? Does she have feathers for brains?” I kept my voice low, but I couldn’t hide my rage. My mind flipped through all the dinners, all the arguments with my sister, all the snide and ugly remarks about the angel in the kitchen with my useless father.

  “No, oh no, no, no,” her hand moved to the collar of her dress the way Carolina’s always would when she was upset, “Send her home in a cab. Spend the rest of the day with me. There’s so much to talk about...”

  “Mom,” I relaxed, my outburst over, the anger flowing out of my body, “It’s fine, remember just don’t drink, and don’t worry. She’s just my friend,” I took a deep breath, exhaling loudly, “I would never hurt her. My whole life Carolina has always thought I was secretly in love with her, and you’ve thought she was secretly in love with me. The two of you never agreed on anything.”

  “Maybe we’re both correct,” she took my hand in hers, “Stay Serge, I’ll make lentil soup for your dinner. You can help.”

  “I’m going to take her home now,” I hugged her and spoke into her ear, “I’ll come by this weekend, but I don’t want to cook, okay?”

  “Okay Serge,” she said as I let go of her, “She’s bright. I should never have said those things. It’s that she needs so much...”

  Zelda flung the door of the kitchen open, taking long strides across the room chattering about the smell of the banana bread before my mother could complete her over-analyzed AA program thought. Okay with me because I didn’t want to hear it.

  “Thank you,” she leaned down and hugged my mother, “See you soon with my Louisa.” She took my hand, “Let’s go Serge.”

  Out the door and onto the street we stood before my car. The day had shaken me up, made me grateful time only flowed forward. I hugged her tightly, as a real friend does, not sexually.

  “Are you all right, Serge?” she asked as I buckled her in and started up my car.

  “How could I be anything else when I’m with you?” I meant to say it lightly. It didn’t come out that way.

  She smiled, not replying as we drove down the curved canyon road. I glanced over at her as we drove by Danny’s parents house and noticed her bite her lip, reach into her purse and take out her phone. She typed a message I could only assume was to Danny. It looked like a chore for her.

  “Why are you doing this Zelda?”

  “You set up the rules to our game,” she quietly replied as she returned the phone to her purse, “we don’t talk about him.”

  It didn’t feel like a game anymore, I thought but did not say as we drove in silence the rest of the way to her house.

  In front of her house, we sat in my car as we always did, but not kissing, not wrapped up in each other. Sitting looking at each other is what we did that day. Her face full of smiles, and her fingers occasionally running through my hair. I felt something break inside of me, as if the layer under my skin were an eggshell, cracking open, taking me higher in feeling than the sense of nirvana that so often filled me with when I was with her. I didn’t mention it.

  “Why couldn’t you have bought a car with bench style seating?” She adjusted her position and stretched her back like a cat.

  “This game would have been over the first week if I had done that,” I gave her kiss on the cheek as she laughed, “You better go inside. I’ll pick you up at 8:00pm tomorrow.”

  “I’m so excited for our big date,” she kissed me on the cheek, “See you tomorrow." Her voice trailed away as she walked up the path to her house.

  “Tomorrow and every day after,” I said, but she didn’t hear me.

  …

  “Dude,” I yelled out as I opened the door at home to see Danny out on the balcony peeling off his wetsuit. “Gnarly day,” I laughed unexpectedly. Whatever rhapsodic spell Zelda cast upon me prevented the “gnarly day” from having any impact.

  “What’s up?” he cautiously looked over at me.

  “Veronica flipped me off," I calmed my laughter, “Then Celena... We had a stand-off at the drugstore,” I was very conscious of the fact he wouldn’t want any Zelda related details, “Lunch with my Mom, you know how she gets.”

  “Dude,” he wrapped his towel around his body with a look of relief. “That’s a day, fucking Celena...”

  “It wasn’t so bad,” I wasn’t going to let him off so easily, “Zelda, she’s chill as fuck, kept me calm.”

  “Veronica... yeah... you ruined that one...”

  “A full lifecycle ago...”

  “You should go back and fix that one. You’re built for each other.”

  “I’m going to go study for the Bar...” I had no idea what he meant by that and wasn’t going to ask. I was more impressed by his ability to ignore my Zelda comment.

  “Good... Bar Exam... Two more weeks, then you’re a lawyer, working all the time... A real job man.” He turned around to face the ocean.

  “Danny...” I felt a rush of affection for him, “Tomorrow, surf, you and me. It’s been weeks man. Put away your plans for the day.”

  “Don’t you have to go into town?”

  “Not until the dinner tomorrow night. You’re still good with that?”

  “Surf day, you and me buddy,” he walked out to the railing making it hard to hear him with the sound of the waves were crashing, “Yeah good. I need to take you up to the apartment. Two weeks, they’ll be tearing down our house. You need to tell me about Celena too.”

  “We’ll do it all in the morning. Good night, buddy.”

  We spent a good day together in spite of him ignoring my references to Zelda. At one point, a wave came up behind him and knocked him off his board and into the swirling ocean, causing him to gulp down water. I like to think this put the events into play, but I know it's not true. Still, it was a good day with my friend.

  …

  I looked into my closet as I imagine Zelda sometimes did, overwhelmed by the infinite possibilities. My wardrobe wasn’t built for a top-tier night, but I did have my top-tier jacket. The perfect gift from my most charming “date” to be.

  I slipped it on over a fresh, new even, white button down shirt I had bought for seventy-five percent off while out shopping with Danny for his big trip abroad to his one true love. The thought of the shopping trip, his mania, his love for her caused me to hesitate.

  I thought of calling her and telling her I would see her the next day, take her somewhere neutral, somewhere old friends would go together, maybe a movie. Putting my hand on the lapel of the jacket brought me back to the present. Our date, my date, her “big date” would happen. I pulled on my unworn olive green jeans and sat on my bed to put on my black suede sneakers.

  “Hey dude,” he opened the door to my room and paused, unused to seeing me in anything other than tattered clothes.

  “Date night, buddy,” I yelled out in a singsong way and stood up so he could take in the adult-like me. My crazy short hair had settled down into a style that was a little too spiky
but otherwise framed my face well. I could almost see the resemblance Zelda always saw. It was in the eyes. Mine were deep-set and hers ethereal, but we shared the wide-eyed stare.

  “She’s never been on a date before,” his voice cracked. I foolishly took this as a good sign, “not a real one... She jumps into relationships. You should get her some flowers.”

  His voice, his spirit cracking, it was all there right in front of me. I didn’t see it. I did think about what he said about it being her first date. The most perfect Zelda, the siren that she was, had never been on one. Her manner and her joking, hadn’t been a joke. I would get her flowers.

  I wished that Barney’s had floral services as I jumped into my car. I thought of what to get her... Roses? Too common and somehow forever tied to her and Danny. Dahlias? A full blossom, much like her, but fragrance-free, almost sterile, very unlike Zelda. I decided on gardenias, fragrant and as white as her satiny skin, delicate like her.

  I looked at the grove of trees as I waited at a stoplight in Beverly Hills. The Banyans with their wild tangled roots growing downward from the branches. The pine trees with the conkers littering the grassy park. The moonlight, and the moon was full that night, lit up the magnolia trees with their bright white saucer sized blossoms, the fragrance, or the memory of the scent from my backyard as a boy filled my nostrils.

  I pulled my car over to the side of the road into the red zone, risking a very expensive parking ticket. I climbed up the dust-covered tree mindful to hold on loosely so as not dirty my clothes, and picked the largest, most perfect blossom. Satisfied with the quality and strength of the sweet scent, almost as sweet as the soon to be recipient. I climbed back down the tree, the long rubbery stem gripped tightly in my hand.

  In front of her home, I sat not knowing whether to wait in the car for her, or go knock on the front door and risk waking up Louisa. Looking down at the magnolia still in my hand, I made my decision. I nervously walked up the stone path, and stood in front of the door, hand held out to knock, but not actually doing it.

  “Serge,” she opened the door a bit revealing her large dark eye, “Shhhh, come in. Astrid just put Louisa down.” I held out the flower, mesmerized by her beauty. Her hair was swept up on the top of her head in a messy loose bun with light strands falling around her face.

  “Is that for me?”

  “Yes” I managed to say, “Your eyes... they’re so...” I stammered as if I were a boy.

  “Beautiful?” Her eyes warmed and shined in a way I had only seen with Danny. I didn’t want to think about that.

  “Is it a magnolia?” She took my hand and led me across her living room and into the kitchen, “So fragrant, I think magnolia’s might be my favorite flower. Thank you, Serge.”

  I took in her perfection as she arranged the blossom in a large pink glass bowl. Her long fitted black coat looked as if it had been designed for the clergy, if the clergy were filled with tall willowy blondes wearing black stilettos.

  “You’re so quiet, Serge... I want to take the flower to my room but the stairs are so creaky... I don’t want to wake Louisa.” She held the bowl in her delicate hands.

  I took the bowl from her, and placed it carefully on the counter, and kissed her.

  “Serge,” she whispered in her breathy way.

  “Okay… Time to go,” I drew away from her but she didn’t like that at all. She pulled me back close to her, buried her face in my neck, as if she were trying to become part of me.

  “Okay,” she reluctantly let go.

  She took the keys from my hands as we got into the car, “Why don’t you ever kiss me?” She held my face in her hands and gently kissed my lips. “My lipstick Serge, I’ll have to reapply it.” She took the lipstick from her small satin bag and applied her lipstick, kissed me again, and reapplied. This happened several times as her laughter filled the car.

  “Now you have lipstick all over your mouth.” She reached back into her purse and took a tissue out instead of the lipstick and cleaned off my mouth. As she wiped, her lips would meet mine with feather light kisses

  Lost in her eyes is what I was. I could see her breaking in front of me. Is there a feeling beyond nirvana? Because I was feeling it.

  “Zelda,” I mumbled, the stammer back, “Danny... he’s going to be at the dinner...” She stared into my eyes, her hands on my face again, “It’s our date.” I said lightly. I didn’t want to break our mood, “It’s not the time to talk to him...”

  “Why would I want to do that when I’m with you?” She tilted her head, her fiery eyes still locked into my mine. The dreamy smile remained on her angelic face.

  And with that I kissed her until the end of time.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “It’s okay,” Zelda took my hand as I opened the car door for her at the valet stand in front of the restaurant.

  “Yes, it is.” I nodded my head and tried to shrug off my nervousness about seeing Danny, “You’re very sensitive, Zelda, empathetic.”

  “You never noticed that before?”

  “It's one of the first things about you I noticed. It was a chore, but you know. I’m liking it now.”

  “A chore?” She mocked, “Well... then I have another one, and I’m sure it won’t be the last for you...” She unbuttoned the top of her coat, oblivious to our surroundings as I was, “Could you help me with my coat? The arms are so fitted, it’s so hard to get on and off.”

  “Will it never end?” I peeled her coat away to reveal her dress of black chiffon leaves that fluttered around her body, “You’re dress is making me frustrated, Zelda.” She wiggled a gentle twirl to reveal her skin beneath the leaves of the dress.

  She waved in greeting across the crowded restaurant. My eyes followed her hand to see Danny stiffly sitting in his chair next to a talkative Sarah. His eyes were locked on her.

  I ignored him and led a very carefree Zelda and myself to our seats far from her childhood crush. I distractedly made the introductions around the table. Zelda took her phone from her purse and texted, making apologies to the table, saying she needed to check on her daughter.

  We had been late to dinner, and our group was well into their third bottle of wine. Zelda didn’t notice my friend from law school, Corrine, across the table drunkenly mutter, “You’re so beautiful,” over and over again. I had been through a lifetime of girls and now women overwhelmed by her beauty. I knew we were in for a night of idolatry or perhaps Corrine in her non-lucid state would turn on Zelda, making sarcastic digs.

  Another chore for the betterment my sweet Zelda. I pulled the clip from her hair, releasing her cascading locks as I wound her arm “She’s like a doll Corrine.” Corrine laughed as I intended, and let go of the obsessive thoughts about her dinner mate.

  The dinner was a dream, the food cooked to perfection. The conversation flowed as Zelda chattered on about The Dreyfus Affair and anti-Semitism in France. A curious choice of conversation for her, well out of her narcissistic bubble but charming. By the time dessert was served Corrine had slumped her head over her arm and was repeatedly telling Zelda that she brilliant.

  The dinner wound down, without a thought of Danny in my head. I whispered to Zelda that I was going to go over to the bar and say good-bye to my friend Sean who was heading off to New York for a few weeks before starting his job at a law firm not far from mine. My biggest mistake with Zelda, perhaps in my life was getting up from the table. But I did get up from the table. I did have a conversation with my friend Sean I could never recall because nothing of importance was said. I did leave Zelda alone for not more than ten minutes. I did these things.

  I headed back across the restaurant to find Zelda missing from our table. I chatted with the sobering Corrine for a few minutes before turning my head around towards the bathrooms to see if Zelda was making her way back to the table.

  “She went outside...” Corrine slurred, but in her defense I think by this point she was more tired than drunk, “with your roommate...”

  I
didn’t wait for her to finish her sentence. Out of my chair I flew, Zelda’s long coat and purse in my hands. I saw them as I looked towards the valet stand. Zelda’s back was to me. Their postures were tense. Danny was speaking, an expression on his face I couldn’t read in the darkness of the night.

  I forced a smile as I walked towards them. I struggled to name the emotion coursing through my body, the tightening stomach, and the quick breath. Fear was what I felt I realized as I descended upon my two friends.

  “There you are,” the voice that squeaked out of me was better suited for addressing kindergarteners, “You two have a good talk?” I wrapped the long coat around the goose bumped shoulders of Zelda.

  No response from either of the ones who stood shell-shocked, quiet, gaping at each other.