by Emily Woods
He merely nodded and led the way down a well-worn trail. Kate soon forgot her embarrassment and became enthralled with how different the scenery looked from atop a horse. The gentle sway of the mare was soothing and for a moment, she could almost believe that people fall asleep while riding.
“Just beyond that ridge is where most of the cattle have been rounded up. We're going to take them to Miles City day after tomorrow.”
They rode in silence for a little while, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to be out here with him. A prickle of guilt worked its way up her spine as she realized that he was using up part of his workday to help her out.
“I think I can find my way back,” she said tentatively. “I don't want you wasting any more of your time. You have lots to do, surely.”
He gave a little shrug and shot her a smile. “I don't mind. Really. Besides, it's not as easy to get off as it might look. Let's go back now, though.”
As they were headed back toward the house, he turned to her, his face serious. “She'll be fine, you know.” When she gave him a look of confusion, he continued. “Maddie, at school I mean. She's a brave little girl and bound to make a lot of friends. Don't worry about her.”
Kate swallowed hard. “Is it that obvious?”
Now he chuckled. “Only to me because...” He stopped there and frowned, clamping his mouth shut as though to prevent himself from revealing too much.
Although she longed to know how the sentence ended, it was unlikely she'd find out by prying. “I hope you're right,” she said instead, keeping her tone light. “I know how wonderful she is, but I worry other people won't see it.”
“They will.” And then he said no more all the way back. She could tell he was preoccupied, most likely with whatever he'd been about to say. Had he been about to declare his feelings for her? Why else would he notice how she was feeling?
When they arrived back at the barn, he showed her how to swing her leg over and then dismount. He had to put his hands around her waist to show her, and the contact made her shiver. However, he released her as soon as her feet hit the ground and backed away as though he'd touched fire.
“I'll take care of her from here. Marge is probably wondering where you are.”
“Maybe, but I don't think she's too worried. Thank you for the lesson. I really appreciate it.”
He gave a quick nod to show that he'd heard her, but then turned his back. His change in demeanor hurt a little, but she told herself that it likely had nothing to do with her and everything to do with whatever was on his mind.
“See you at lunch,” she called out as she left. Another nod was all the response she got.
As she entered the house, she was more determined than ever to find out something, anything, about this man. And she knew just how to do it.
“I heard something in town the other day,” she started as she and her aunt worked alongside one another making biscuits for the men to take on the cattle drive. “I'm sure it was just a rumor of sorts, but I thought I should tell you, just in case.”
Marge frowned, forming deep creases across her forehead. “You know I don't much care what people are on about. Half of it is never true anyway.”
“Sure, sure, I understand, but it was concerning one of your men, so I thought you might want to know.”
“That makes me want to know even less, Kate. Come on now, let's get this into the oven and start a new batch. We're going to need a lot more than this.”
Something inside her resisted the reprimand and she blurted out what she'd heard. “They're saying that Luke is a criminal.”
The word sat between the two of them for several seconds. Marge's expression became hard and Kate felt the bottom drop out of her stomach.
“That man is the best thing that happened to this ranch since my Walter died,” Marge said in a low voice. “And he has known only misery for most of his life, but he's turned it all around and become a good Christian man. Anything that you hear otherwise, you would do well to ignore.”
With that, Marge turned away and focused on the baking. Even though Kate felt awful, she realized that Marge hadn't directly addressed her concern. It seemed ludicrous to consider it, though. Surely the women in town had gotten their facts mixed up. The more that she thought about it, the more she believed that had to be the truth.
It had to be.
Maddie came home mid-afternoon full of joy and stories.
“Sarah is my new best friend!” she declared confidently. “She and me like all the same things.”
“She and I, darling,” Kate corrected automatically. Maddie didn’t take any heed of the correction, but continued to chatter about her day.
Although she tried to listen, Kate found her mind wandering as it had been all day. Where it wouldn't be fair to say that Marge had ignored her over the past several hours, the easy camaraderie that they'd developed had disappeared. As much as she'd tried to make up for her indiscretion, it hadn't been enough. During lunch, she'd been almost overly friendly to Luke, but to no avail. Her aunt's attitude was still distant.
“What did you learn today?” Marge asked the little girl while handing over a fresh biscuit lathered with butter and strawberry jam.
That simple question sent Maddie on another five-minute monologue about her lessons. Again, while Kate was thankful for the lively nature her daughter was developing, her heart still ached. But what could she do? Nothing.
That night, Maddie announced that she was a big girl and wanted to sleep in her own room. The necessary adjustments were made, and Kate congratulated her daughter on her decision.
“Sarah has her own room,” she answered somberly. “Well, not really her own. She has to share it with her two sisters, but her mom sleeps in a different room with her dad.” She was silent for a moment and then asked, “Why don't I have any sisters? I'd really like one.”
Kate nearly choked. Without getting into any detail, she managed to say that it wasn't up to her.
“Then who is it up to? God?”
Maddie's faith in God had grown since they arrived. It wasn't surprising given that two of the other major influences in her life now, Luke and Marge, were both devout believers.
“Uh, yes, I suppose you could say that.” It was an easy answer, if not entirely the most complete one.
“Then I'm going to start praying for a sister. A brother might be okay, but I'd rather have a sister.”
Before Kate could stop her, Maddie launched into a long, heartfelt prayer, beseeching God for a sibling. Tears welled up in Kate's eyes as she watched. Maddie was voicing the desires of her own heart, but were they all for naught?
When the prayer concluded, Kate tucked her into bed and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Don't be surprised if it doesn't happen, dearest. Sometimes God doesn't give us what we ask for.” How well she knew this to be true.
“Why not?” Maddie asked, her blue eyes wide and curious.
Now Kate fumbled. What had her own mother told her? “He knows what we need more than we do.”
“Sure, if it’s more cake or something, but what if it's something good, like a baby?”
The words froze in her throat. Although she knew the doctrine, she couldn't bring herself to tell her daughter. She no longer believed the things she'd learned in church, so why was she passing them onto Maddie?
“I don't know,” she answered honestly. “Even the Bible says that we can’t understand God's mind or His ways.” The verse pierced her heart and once again, tears threatened. “Good night, darling. Sweet dreams.” She kissed her again and fled the room before Maddie could say anything else.
Instead of going to the front room to chat with Marge as she’d done for weeks now, she went straight to her own room and flung herself down on the bed, hot tears streaming from her eyes. As much as she wanted to tell herself that all her faith was gone, that all her beliefs had vanished in the fire, something still lingered. She knew the verses, the promises that rested in the Bible,
but she'd cast them aside when life had become hard.
She didn't hear the door open, so when she felt a gentle hand on her back, she jumped. Her aunt had come in and was now sitting beside her.
“I was too hard on you today,” she said softly. “And for that, I'm sorry. I could have said things differently.” She rubbed her back, and Kate cried harder. Her aunt's kindness made her feel worse instead of better. “I just can't tell you how much I care about that man. I almost feel like his mother.”
“But you're not old enough to be his mother,” Kate said, sitting up and sniffling. “When I first came here, I thought there was something going on between the two of you. Maybe there should be.”
Marge's hand dropped to her side and she stared at Kate, gaping. Then, a second later, laughter poured out of her mouth. She folded her arms over her midsection and laughed all the harder.
The door opened again and Maddie appeared. “What's so funny?” she asked, her own little mouth pinched together. “I can't sleep with all this noise.”
The candid statement made Marge laugh even harder, and Kate found her own mouth quivering. When Maddie raced over and jumped on the bed with them, she pulled her close and smiled. “Auntie Marge just found something I said funny.”
“Tell me, Mama!” she insisted. “Tell me the joke!”
“Oh, it's not a joke exactly,” she tried to explain, but Marge held up a hand.
“Sure it is!” she insisted. “One of the best I've heard in a long time. Go on, tell her!”
Kate shook her head. “I don't think so. Come on, love. I'll bring you back to bed.”
With that, she took Maddie by the hand and brought her back to her room. “You're sure you want to stay here tonight, right? If you change your mind, you can come back if you feel lonely, even if it's in the middle of the night.”
With a solemn look on her face, Maddie shook her head. “I won't, Mama. I'm sure. And I'm not alone. Jesus is with me.”
Swallowing the lump that rose in her throat, Kate nodded. “Yes, dear girl. You're right of course. Good night.”
Now if only she could make herself believe it.
Chapter 12
The morning of the cattle drive, the men set out early, each one laden down with supplies for the duration.
“But how long will you be gone for?” Maddie whined, still not happy about their leaving. She'd grown especially close to Luke, and had hinted heavily that Kate should spend more time with him as well. Kate told her that everyone was busy, so it wasn't possible. Besides, it seemed to her that Luke had no interest. If anything, he seemed to be pushing her toward John when they had any interaction.
John and Sam were the only ones to stay behind. After John brought Maddie to school that day, the ranch seemed empty and forsaken. Sam had gone off to tend to some business, leaving the two of them alone.
“Are you missing them already? Worried for them?” Marge asked her. “I know how you're feeling. The first time Walter set out on a cattle drive, I thought I would go crazy with all the quiet hours in the day, but time will fly by. You'll see.”
Kate realized she must have seemed down and forced herself to smile. “No, that's not it. I just... I don't know how to explain.” That was the truth. She didn't know how to tell Marge about all the thoughts that were swirling around inside her mind. She was confused by her feelings about Luke, about her life, and mostly about God.
“Maddie has a lot of questions,” she said, redirecting the conversation. “Things that I can't answer.” That was only partly true. It was more that she didn't want to answer them because she felt like a liar and a fraud. “Would you talk to her tonight?”
“What kind of questions?” Marge asked.
Kate struggled to answer. Saying the words aloud might invite a discussion. She didn't want her aunt to feel compelled to justify her faith.
“Different things. Probably something to do with free will and God's plan for mankind, that sort of thing.” She turned her attention to the outdoors. “Do you mind if I go for a bit of a ride?”
If her aunt seemed taken aback by the shift in conversation, she didn't show it. “Sure, you can. But are you good enough to go by yourself?”
It had been almost one week since her first lesson with Luke, and she felt fairly confident. “I don't think I'm ready to bring Maddie to school yet, but I'll just ride around here. I'll keep the house in sight the whole time.”
Kate spent the next hour riding the horse Starlight as fast as she could. The warm wind beat against her cheeks, and she reveled in the sensation. She needed to feel heat.
By the time she was finished, both she and the horse were sweaty. She brought Starlight back to the barn and undid the saddle.
“I can take care of that for you,” a male voice near her ear declared. She turned to see John, whom she presumed was just back from bringing Maddie to school.
“Thank you, but I need to learn. Maybe you can stay close by if I fail.” The saddle was unwieldy, but she managed to get it off the horse. However, once it was off, she dropped it.
“Here, let me,” John offered.
It wasn't that the saddle was heavy. It weighed less than twenty pounds, but it slid off the horse’s back and nearly fell on top of her.
As John moved forward to take it, his arm brushed against hers. The contact startled her, and she moved away quickly, but not before she saw a frown flash over his face.
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn't mean to take you by surprise.”
She moved away and made a feeble excuse for her reaction. However, she could see that he was hurt.
“Kate, can I ask you something?” His face was serious and she had a terrible feeling she knew what was coming next, but she had to let him be heard. It was his right, so she nodded but busied herself with the brushing down the horse.
“I could be totally wrong here, and if I am, I'm real sorry...” he started.
Her heart thrummed in her chest, but not in the way it had when Luke was close by. Now, she felt panicked.
“Go on,” she said to him, her voice tight.
“Well, I think the world of your little girl, and you're a right nice lady. Is there any chance...”
He didn't need to finish. She understood.
“John, I failed in one marriage, and I don't know if I am capable of another.” That was true, but it wasn’t all. She had to tell him the complete truth…just in case something came up later. “And I don't see you that way. You've been a great help to me, and a good friend besides, but that's all.”
Nodding, he backed up a few steps. “I guess I let Luke get my hopes up,” he mumbled and then strode away.
“Luke?” she whispered. So, her suspicions were correct. He had been pushing her toward John for almost the entire time she'd been here, and now it was clear that he’d been doing the same thing to John. But why? What interest did he have in getting them together? She would be sure to ask him just as soon as he got home.
Contrary to what her aunt had promised, time seemed to drag on while the men were away. The awkwardness between her and John probably contributed to that feeling, so she tried to push past it by being friendly to him in a way that would leave no doubt about her feelings. She also wanted to diminish her dependence on him. The first step would be learning the route to school so that she could bring Maddie on her own.
A few days after their uncomfortable conversation, she asked, “Can I come with you two tomorrow morning? I think I might be ready.”
“Really, Mama?” Maddie squealed. “Then you can meet my teacher and my friends and their parents!”
Even though she didn't really need his permission, she still wanted it. “John?”
“Of course. It's a good idea for us to ride together so that you can find the way when you're ready to go on your own.” His expression, if not exactly grim, told her that he understood what she was doing.
In any case, it was set. The next morning, the three of them rode out together. Maddie still sat
with John since he was the more experienced rider and because Kate had to focus on the trail. It took nearly half an hour, and when they arrived at the schoolyard, Kate was pleasantly surprised. The schoolhouse was a tidy structure with a small outhouse in back. In the yard, several children were already playing with a ball while others skipped rope nearby.
“Come inside!” Maddie insisted. “Come meet my teacher!”
Kate complied and found that Maddie's teacher was a young woman, pretty and cheerful and clearly capable of handling the twenty or so children that were under her care. As soon as she rang the bell, they all lined up in front and marched in like little soldiers. Obviously, she’d established a routine with them.
“Nice to meet you, Miss Sanders,” she said upon leaving. “I hope you can come over for dinner sometime.”
John tipped his hat at the teacher and Kate noticed that the teacher's color rose a little as she gave him a small wave. It lightened her heart more than a little to see the smile that he gave her in return.
As they rode back, she told him about her growing up years and memories she had of her aunt. She made him laugh a few times and felt a lighter than she had in days. However, when he asked about her late husband, her tone turned somber.
“It was a match that my parents arranged. They didn’t know Roland very well. If they had, they wouldn’t have forced me.”
John frowned a little, but said no more. Thankfully, he was more intuitive than most men. It hurt her to even think about Roland and the life they'd had together. The lack of love was worse than being alone. It was almost like a presence in their home, cold and painful. Maddie was too young to remember her father, a fact that Kate was grateful for. She had no memories of her father and rarely asked her about him. She’d accepted their life as it was.
As the house came into view, Kate realized how happy she was now. Before she'd lost her parents, she'd been just surviving from day to day, even with the loving care of her mother and father. The way her husband had died still haunted her. She saw his face in every corner of their house since they'd been frequent visitors there. It wasn’t like seeing a ghost, but the memories were painful. Out here, there was nothing to remind her of their life together or his death. It wasn't that she held herself responsible, but guilt still ate away at her. Perhaps if she’d seen something… But there was no use in going down that path. The past was the past.