Unapologetic (A Novel)

by Pamela Ann

  Too late. For a moment, I had thought he was different. Oh yeah, he was different all right. Not in the sense I had believed. Could he already be this rotten, or was this just a random thought that shouldn’t have been said out loud?

  “Baby, please forgive me.”

  I kept staring at him, wide-eyed and in deep thought, mind racing as to what I should do next. Goodness, how shallow can he be? Maybe he meant well, but what he said made me feel weary of him. But the question was: was it enough to break it off?

  He had apologized and seemed sincerely sorry. But God help me if Parker dared to suggest any more callous ventures down the line. I wouldn’t give him a pass for a second time.

  “I’ll forgive if you don’t ever bring this subject up again, and if you promise never to call them horrendous names.”

  The shadow over his face was replaced with relief before he got up and circled the table. Cupping my face, he placed an overeager kiss on my lips. “I promise. Thank you,” he breathed out, reassured.

  I knew it was weak of me to brush it off, but after the week I’d had—not to mention the tryst with River—I owed Parker another chance. Though I would never forget. It had showed a different Parker, one who was strategically hidden. I just hoped there would be no repeat.

  For the rest of the evening, instead of going out to meet his friends, we opted to go to the movies. And for the first time tonight, I noticed how he adored the limelight and how comfortable he was when a couple wanted to take a picture with him. I needed to get used to this. I was just glad I wasn’t all that known.

  Before heading to our designated theater, I dashed to the ladies’ room while Parker went in search of our selected seats. It was the most inconvenient time to have my monthly visitor arrive. Thank heavens for vending machines, or I would have had to trot back in search for Parker and ask him to drive me to the nearest pharmacy. I could easily see how annoyed he would be. He didn’t come off as the type to go the ladies’ aisle and purchase a box of tampons. He would most likely die of embarrassment and quit being together if someone took a photo of him and posted it on Instagram. The very image made me smile wickedly with glee as I cleaned up.

  Once finished, I exited the restroom and pulled out my phone, needing to check the time. Much to my surprise, River’s name stared back at me. He had left me a message.

  Staring at the screen, I was out of breath as my shaky fingers punched the message tab to open the folder. I just saw his name; why in God’s name was I shaking like a blizzard had just hit me?

  Hello, it’s me again. I know you’re probably sick of me, but I just wanted to say that I’m boarding soon and wanted to let you know that I’m leaving LA. You probably don’t care, anyway, but I felt like I should tell you. Anyhow, it was good seeing you again. I hope you’re okay. I miss you.

  He missed me. That single line brought a fresh wave of melancholy. Lamenting on what once was and what had been lost, I willed myself to tuck my phone back into my purse and not respond.

  Though I sat next to Parker for the next three hours, him holding me close, my mind was elsewhere. It was drawn to him and what he might feel knowing he would never get a reply from me.

  Chapter Six

  Lunch with my agent, Addison Bennett, was always a pleasant meeting. She was such an animated character who radiated warmth and elegance that I couldn’t help being enlightened whenever I was with her. Her auburn hair perfectly fitted her personality. Though she was my agent, she became more than that. She had developed into someone I could lean on when I began to doubt myself, motivating me to be the best and to always strive to better my craft. On a personal level, I could confide without judgment. Given my background, I found it more than difficult to trust anyone, so it went without saying that I was grateful for her friendship.

  We were in our usual spot, dining at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. The retro-chic black and white flooring, superb menu, and famous patrons made this into one of Los Angeles’ trendy stomping ground.

  In the midst of our meal, Addison informed me that Clover got picked up for two more seasons, and they wanted to immediately shoot in the next three to four months. The location was San Francisco, so it wasn’t a hardship for me to commute once or twice a week, depending on how much screen time I was scheduled for.

  I would be pretty much locked-in contract and wouldn’t be able to entertain any other projects while filming. I didn’t mind it very much. I loved the cast and crew, and I couldn’t wait to see what the writers had in store for the show and my character, Janet Samuels.

  Bright green eyes sparkled back at me, enthused. “Now we’re done with business, let’s talk about your life. How are things going with Parker?” she asked as she jovially sipped her dirty martini.

  She seemed to have warmed to Parker. He was a total charmer if he wished to be. She wasn’t immune to it, unlike Kells and Anton.

  “It’s …” I trailed off. How should I put it? “Well, it’s definitely going.” To where exactly, I wasn’t quite sure yet.

  “Oh?” She arched a brow. “Anything I need to know?”

  Since she asked, I had something else to say on that matter. “Well … he sort of suggested I should have a new set of friends, specifically those who are popular and would put me in paparazzi-ville.”

  “He’s one of those, is he?” Addison didn’t even bat an eyelash. “And I guess that put you off?”

  “Of course it did. What decent person wouldn’t be?” Openly talking about this brought back the fire and fury that had been suppressed overnight after Parker had apologized. “I don’t know. I guess I never realized how shallow the guy I’m dating is until yesterday.” A part of me chided myself that I should have seen this coming for miles. However, I was too charmed with his physical attributes and sweet nothings to see what lied underneath.

  Seeming to pick up on my thoughts, Addison asked with a knowing smile, “Aren’t you glad you don’t have an agent who pushes you to be someone you’re not?”

  “I’m so very glad. You have no idea.” My thoughts immediately went straight to a different agent, one who had orchestrated all those tabloid sensations just to get his client on the map.

  Ari Braun was the devil himself. He wouldn’t let anything pass him. He controlled every aspect of River’s life, and I wouldn’t put it past him to dictate who he should and shouldn’t bed. It was unimaginable to have someone like that in my life, and it surprised me that River would put up with it.

  After the meeting, I was on my way home when my phone rang. Distracted by oncoming traffic, I activated Bluetooth.

  “Hello?” I greeted with a raspy voice.

  “Well, how did your meeting go?” Parker’s smooth voice responded back.

  I wanted to sigh but refrained. Maybe he had good intentions. He did want the best for me, didn’t he? I shouldn’t be irked that it was the first thing he said.

  “Great. We got renewed for two more seasons. It’s amazing.” It was. I couldn’t describe the whirlwind of emotions I was experience. All I could say was that it was extraordinary. And yes, I could admit that this rush of exhilaration could be addictive.

  “Good. That’s what I was hoping to hear. Congratulations, baby. How does it feel to be a part of a successful show? Not a lot of people can say that, you know. And maybe you should speak to the writers and ask if they can give you a challenging role, something that might get you noticed for an Emmy.”

  “Seriously, Parker, can you just take a moment to be happy for me without having to ruin it by suggesting something?” He was full of ideas, but I was beginning to doubt he had my best interest at heart. “If you want to be famous by association, then you’ve chosen the wrong woman.”

  He was beginning to make me feel undeserving. Was that intentional? I couldn’t be sure. All I knew was that this was supposed to be about me.

  Past caring about suppressing my annoyance and disappointment, I immediately ended the call without hearing his lukewarm answer. He was starting to bring
such a negative impact to my life.

  Was Parker the kind of man I wanted by my side? How could he begin to fathom my past if he couldn’t see past the glitz, glamor, and fame?

  Beyond irritated, I concentrated on my driving and pondered my next move, weighing the pros and cons until I reached home.

  I was so lost in my own thoughts that I barely recognized Parker standing right outside my door, possibly ready to apologize for his birdbrained moment.

  As I approached him, I questioned myself. Was this worth arguing about since he simply wanted me to be successful? It was a catch twenty-two. The old me and the new me were clashing to make a decision.

  “Baby, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it to come out that way. I swear it,” he blurted out before I reached the door. Hastily striding toward me, his baby blue eyes pleaded as he took my hands into his, gripping with intensity. “I didn’t mean to piss you off, Cara. Let’s just forget I even said it okay?”

  How many times did I have to forget things? First it was my friends and now this. Crap! Why did he have to turn out this way? It was such a major turn off. If he wasn’t gorgeous, I wouldn’t even be contemplating breaking things off with him. Besides, it seemed nice to have someone check on me and knowing that I was at least trying to move on from my first love. But the question remained: was it worth it?

  “Listen, Parker … I don’t know if I’m the person to make you happy. You seem to want more from me, and I’m not sure I can give that.”

  “I want you,” he rushed out, cupping my cheek. “You’re beautiful; how can I not want you? Every guy I know is jealous I got you before anyone else. You’re everything I’ve asked for.”

  It was a compliment, wasn’t it? Then why did he have the knack to cheapen it? Was I compelled to make such argument because he wasn’t like River?

  If I broke things off with Parker now, I would never know if I could make it work with another man. It had only been a month. Surely, I could give it a couple more before making such brutal judgment. After all, he did want me, and his loyalty should account far more than his nuances and blunders.

  Staring deeply into his eyes, I released a defeated sigh and made a small decisive nod. “We better get in before my neighbors starts listening in. This is not the kind of drama I want to get noticed,” I muttered before moving past him as I fished out my keys and opened the door to my apartment.

  Setting my things down on the glass table, I closed my eyes as I heard him in the background. Not before long, I felt him stand behind me, searing his hot lips on my exposed shoulder, slowly, eagerly.

  “All this tension … I can make it go away,” he whispered before I felt his hardened state pressing against my bottom.

  Sex. Would it solve our problems? I wasn’t sure, but Parker was getting emboldened with each passing second, gripping the side of my hips as he began to gradually rub against me. Confused as I was, the heated friction woke something within me. I couldn’t deny how my body reacted to his unsubtle ministrations. It had been years since I had fully gone all the way with another man. Maybe he was right … Maybe this could be a good thing.

  Appearing calm and collected, I stood idly by as he took charge, daring in his approach with my body. Compared to River’s rough, devour you effect, Parker took his time, seducing me into submission. It was imperative he did in case I decided to change my mind.

  He took his time taking my clothes off, while I still remained unresponsive. Call it nerves but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him or utter a damn thing. And when he gestured to carry me to bed, I knew backtracking from here on would be near impossible.

  Dazed, I watched with mixed emotions as he carefully put on protection. Parker’s lovemaking was just as slow, and there were times when I wondered if reading the grocery list was more exciting than him pleasuring himself with my body. I did feel satisfied, but a mind-blowing experience it wasn’t.

  The whole experience left me reeling that I couldn’t wait to be relieved of him. So, when Anton came knocking on my door, begging for a girls’ night out with Kells, I jumped at the chance to be alone with my friends and with my troubled thoughts. More pointedly, River’s face and how impossible it was not to feel as though I had just betrayed him.

  Crazy didn’t even cover it.

  Chapter Seven

  Girls’ night out consisted of my staple band of paragons along with Anton’s cousin, Rose. We were lounging at The Nice Guy while nibbling on asparagus wrapped in prosciutto and guzzling on Rosè. It had been ages since I had let myself go, but tonight called for it. It was a celebrity hotspot, and I normally wouldn’t go to such a place, but Kells loved it here.

  Dressed to impressed with my two-piece, low cut crop top and skin-hugging skirt ensemble, I exuded a confident millennial who knew what she wanted and ruthlessly went after it. I carried on as if I had no care in the world.

  After my second flute of the happy pink bubbles, I couldn’t ignore the incessant buzzing of my phone any longer. Parker had been ceaselessly trying to converse since I became closed off and distant after our first physical intimacy.

  “Hello, hello. I’m still alive, so fizzle out your bubbles, dearest boyfriend. I’m fine,” I took the call with as much enthusiasm as I could evoke.

  There was a grunt on the other end of the line. “Where are you?” Parker asked. “You sound drunk. Tell me where you are right now. I’m coming to get you, Cara.”

  With the people you deemed irrelevant, my mind replied. Instead, of saying that aloud, I chose the less feisty route. “I’m with my girlfriends; there’s nothing to worry about.”

  Parker let out an irritated huff. “I do worry. You’re out partying, and people are going to think you’re single if you keep this up. Let me come over at least. That way, I’ll dismiss anyone’s doubts.”

  I dared not think what transpired between us earlier this afternoon. I just couldn’t. Besides, I needed to be with my friends. It was one of those make or break moments, and I couldn’t be alone with my wretched thoughts.

  Not only did I feel like I betrayed River, but I also felt like I hurt myself by trying to prove a point. I was in a state of denial, and I had no hopes of coming down from it. Not yet, anyway.

  You’re really sending out bad vibes. I don’t wanna be around that type of negativity right now. I’ll see you soon, okay? Thank you mucho. Bye.” Instantly ending the call, I shrugged as I ignored the knowing looks my friends were giving me, possibly wondering if things were fine between me and Parker. I had yet to divulge this new development to them, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about. Moreover, if they began to ask questions, I had no answers. So, for the time being, I was in the state of gray.

  Although I had been firm and clear about what I intended for Parker to do, he seemed to not get the blatant message. Missed call after missed call, he went on until I had to put my phone on silent. I couldn’t shut it off in case there was a call from Addison.

  Five and a half hours later, I came home after being dropped off at my front door by dear reliable Anton, totally inebriated, and still the calls had yet to cease.

  Parker was doing his damnedest to irritate me to the fullest. Why, for the love of everything that’s holy, could the man not get what the word “no” meant? Well, unless he was trying to provoke me to do the inevitable.

  Is that what he wants?

  The answer was obvious. Best to deal with this then.

  I took hold of my phone and changed my settings back to normal so that when the next call came, I would be ready for confrontation.

  Alas, the call came less than ten minutes later. I needed not check the caller.

  “Okay, gosh, lock it down. I’m fine. No need to go psycho on me. Holy hairy shit balls, I’m home now, okay?” Tried as I might to sound stern, my words ended up coming out slurred. “This is bad … Whoops. Sorrrry,” I hiccupped before I was hit with a mild hysteria of giggles. That Jäger in the end was a big no-no, but it had been too fun to resist.

&nb
sp; “Who’s threatening to harm you?” The words rang in my ears, making me squint while my head spun. “Cara? Are you there? I’m about to call my security team to hunt you down if you don’t answer me right now!”

  Security team? What? He had one?

  “Cara!”

  Then it clicked.

  “River,” I rushed out, instantly frozen in the middle of my living room. How in the world did his voice not immediately register in my inebriated brain? How?

  “Who’s threatening to harm you?” he asked again.

  “Harm me?” I chirped. “No one. Well, none that I can think of.” Glancing around the dimly lit living room, I fiddled with the ends of my skirt, suddenly nervous that I found myself talking to my ex, the one who I couldn’t stop thinking about ever since I had given my body to someone else. It seemed the more I drank, my memory bank propelled to dwell further into the past. A part of me congratulated myself that I finally took the risk, and the other part wondered if River could hear my guilty heart echoing in my voice. “I didn’t know it was you. Why have you called?”

  “I couldn’t help it. I wanted to hear your voice. It’s been one of those days …” he trailed off, seeming as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. “Hearing your voice always made me feel good. It’s been a rough day; that’s all.”

  One could only wonder the pressure of being River Ellis. I surely didn’t want to be in his shoes, not for a minute, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

  River sounded like there was more to it than the normal pressures of being a Hollywood star. I had seen him in all sorts of work strain before, but this was more than that.

  Deep concern immediately drew out from my heart, an instant reaction of overprotectiveness and concern.

  “What’s wrong?” My heart squeezed upon hearing the tone of my own voice. It was loaded with emotions, good and bad.