Unapologetic (A Novel)
Page 18
“You know what I think?”
Toying with my pasta, I absentmindedly asked, “Hmm?”
“It won’t be the end of the world if you did see them together. You’re looking at this all wrong. Just focus on the bright side. You’ll get used to seeing them, and before you know it, you’ll be so immune that you won’t even realize that you don’t give a damn anymore.”
“We shall see.”
My friend was brilliant, but I wondered if Anton had fallen in love yet. Because, time wouldn’t make a difference, whether it was a decade or a few years, the feeling didn’t fade away because you demand it to. Once it left a mark, it branded your soul for the rest of your life. It stayed there, festering, rotting. It seeped into your very bones and the very fabric of your being. It ate you alive.
But what time did allow was survival once you accepted your fate. You learned how to live with the pain, the hollowness in your heart, the darkness in your soul.
Back when we were sixteen, after he proposed to me with that simple gold band he had bought with the money he saved for a whole year, River and I made a pact—a seal between bloods, our blood, with our written vows of love, faith and loyalty to each other, along with his grandmother’s rings buried three-feet deep next to a sycamore tree in the wilderness that was a half a mile hike from Mattie’s house. It was morbid, but we were young and in love. Maybe our bond got solidified with that blood. Whatever it was, getting over River had proven futile. The more I wanted him gone in my heart, the powerful my feelings became. He and I hadn’t spoken about what happened to his grandmother’s ring. He most likely dug it up after I left him two years ago, maybe not. It didn’t matter, because he and I were done.
And I knew River meant it, too, when he had said he was quitting me. That meant everything about me. I knew he was hell-bent on moving to Hailey. If Anton were right, maybe witnessing them with my very eyes would make me immune to them once I got past the initial shock.
//
Considering LA’s traffic, it took me ages to pick up Kells’ decadent three-layered birthday cake from MILK. After that task, I had to rush home to shower and get ready for the party. Phoenix’s home was in Sherman Oaks, so Anton and I had to drive to the valley.
It wasn’t premeditated, but Anton and I both donned all black. With cake in hand, Anton volunteered to be the designated driver since the chances were high for me to get plastered and what not. It took about half an hour to get to Phoenix’s four-bedroom house. It had an old-school Hollywood in the fifties feel to his home. His home also had a lot of ginormous paintings that took up almost all of his walls. Most were abstract expressionism pieces. It was impressive.
“This is a nice house,” I said to Kells, who proudly smiled as she led us toward the kitchen so we could take the cake out of the container. “I love the paintings.”
“He did them all. He’s quite the artist,” she droned on with hearts in her eyes.
“Next time, maybe he can paint you naked,” Anton cheekily suggested before plucking a mini cupcake from one of the laid-out trays. “Do we take this out in the dining area or are we just going to leave it out here and they can feed themselves?”
Kells paused, pondering what would be best for her guests. There were about fifty people filtering through the door, and by the looks of it, there were more coming. Most people were Phoenix’s friends, so we only knew a few people here.
While Kells and Anton discussed back and forth, I scanned the crowd from the kitchen entrance. It gave me the best vantage point and enough privacy to spy on people. I was scouting one man in particular.
My eyes spotted him, honing in on his form as he came out from the powder room before my sight sharpened at the mark on his neck—a blatant lipstick stain strategically placed to brand her man to fend off other women. It was difficult not to be drawn to the engine red that marked his skin before he spun around to wait on someone.
My heart pounded with a deafening sound as my eyes landed on Hailey emerging from the door. There was no denying what those two had been doing in there. Didn’t they care that people might notice? And what’s more, it was Kells’ birthday, for crying out loud.
“Asshole,” Anton muttered from right next to me, seeing the very same thing I was seeing.
River really was moving on with her, just as he promised. Witnessing it made it all real. It brought it home that he and I were truly done. And Goddamn, it hurt so badly.
River hadn’t seen me yet, and since he had his woman stuck to him, I had every opportunity to avoid them as long as I was out of their line of sight.
“Are you okay, doll?” Anton gave me a worried look before he took my hand in support, while I blankly stared back at him, still reeling from what I had just witnessed. “After Kells blows her cake, you can leave. She’ll understand, so don’t worry. I got your back.”
“What about me?” Kells chimed in from behind us before her eyes followed where our eyes were glued to. “I told him not to bring her over, but the bitch showed up here, anyway. She’s clingy and territorial, but River doesn’t seem to care. If he’s not sleeping, he’s drunk or high. The guy’s a hot mess.”
High? River would never. He wasn’t like that. Kells must have been mistaken.
I wanted to argue with her, tell them that it didn’t matter, but I somehow found myself tongue-tied as my eyes followed him, watching how they interacted with one another. I didn’t stop until they went out in the backyard, where more people gathered around the pool and where the music was booming.
Hailey kept touching him, and he didn’t seem to mind. And why should he? They just fucked in the bathroom, remember?
Anton glanced at Kells then toward me before reverting his eyes back to Kells. “I honestly don’t think she should be here. I know it’s your birthday, but guessing from what you just said about that woman, she might come after our Sprinkles, and I might end up knocking her out cold. No one touches my baby without going through me first.”
“I’m fine.” I tried to smile, hoping it was enough to convince them. “Really, I’m … I’m okay.”
What lies. I felt faint, about to pass out, but I couldn’t admit just how badly it affected me seeing them up close and so fucking personal.
“Anton and I agree that you should go … if you really want to. Don’t stay here and torture yourself because it’s my birthday. I really don’t care if it’s my birthday, babe. There’ll be more after this one. But there’s only one you, and you come first. You’ve been there for me during my heartbreaks. Go home and just sit this one out please?”
Anton nodded before putting his arm around me. “I’ll drive you home,” he kindly offered, but if I was going home, I wouldn’t let Anton miss out on tonight.
“You stay, I insist. That’s the only way you guys can kick me out. I’ll take Uber. It’s no biggie.”
After sending my request for a ride, I gave Anton and Kells a massive hug before bidding them good-bye. Staying in the house was stifling, so I decided that it was best to wait for my ride outside. I could do with some fresh air.
Most of the guests milled in the backyard where the party thrived, so when I made the beeline for the front door, there weren’t many people around. Pleased that none of the people I knew were there to witness my cowardly action, I immediately shut the door behind me before taking a few steps before seeing River stood right on the pavement, deep in thought while smoking a cigarette.
Fuck, my entire system halted from functioning as I took in his form. He still had that scruffy look about him, and more beautiful than ever. He wasn’t just River anymore. In my eyes, he was Hailey’s man.
My eyes misted at the thought of that before it droned toward the cigarette at his lips. When did he start that awful habit?
Just before I could retrace my steps, River caught sight of me, turning me into a scattered mess. My mind went mad while my heart thumped in pain. With every breath I took, it didn’t lessen the sting of losing him for the second time.
I badly wanted to crawl and hide, but my pride made me stand my ground. “I’m waiting for my ride. It won’t be long, so don’t mind me. Just do what you have to do. We don’t have to do this … Small talk, I mean.”
Somehow, River seemed too dense to care about what I tried to convey. He had an odd expression on his face. It was difficult to decipher. It was in the middle of being sheepish and nonchalance.
“I guess you, uh, saw us inside then?”
It was crass of him to even ask. Anyone in the vicinity observed his insatiable appetite. There was no need to get a confirmation from your ex. Unless he wanted feedback. Was that what he aimed for?
“What’d you think, River?” My shaky voice came out with more emotions than I had intended. Shit. Why couldn’t he just go on with his life and not bother with small talk?
“What do I think?” His eyes didn’t travel anywhere else; they were stuck staring me down, like I could vanish in a heartbeat. “It doesn’t matter … I never mattered where you were concerned, right, Cara?”
All the pent-up emotions ruptured upon hearing him lay blame at my feet. How dare he?
“Are you fucking out of your mind? Are you really going to head into that bullshit while everyone witnessed you coming out of that bathroom after fucking her?” I spewed my hate with utter disdain, hating and loving him on sight. “You never mattered? Oh, that’s crap! Did I fucking matter when you were surrounded with all those famous people? Did I matter when you missed my birthday because you had to walk her down the red carpet? Or those times I cried because I wouldn’t hear from you for days on end? Did I matter then?
“I was supposed to be your fiancée, but I came last on your priority list. How did you think I felt when I saw those pictures of you kissing Hailey. Tell me, did I matter then?” Reliving those hellish moments never failed to enrage me, yet I took him back, time and time again, even after all the lies. I had loved him enough to believe his lies. And I had loathed myself for that.
“So, don’t you dare stand here and make up all these excuses that you didn’t matter. Stop blaming me for being such a whore! Maybe if you stop for one second and not think with your dick, maybe you wouldn’t be in this position!”
River looked deadly as he locked his jaws. His eyes remained on mine before he took a step, about to close the tiny space between us.
I recoiled at the sight of him being so close. “Don’t you fucking dare! Stay where you are!” I snapped, beyond ballistic at the thought of him touching me. He knew too well that all he had to do was touch me and I would be his for the time being. But no, I wasn’t going to fall into one of his tricks in taming me. We were through, and I intended for it to remain as thus.
He raked his hand over his hair, making him seem more dangerous than before. “Why do you treat me like this? Was I ever this nasty to you after you fucked Kyle?” His eyes were dark ice. I could feel the heat and the cold of them seeping into my bones, slashing me with those fathomless depths. “How long did it take you to jump into his bed each time I left for Ireland, huh? All those times I laid my heart at your feet, you were laughing at me. I can’t fucking get over that!”
“Oh, shut up already!” I bellowed, wanting him to vanish from my sight.
“That’s what I’ve been doing, Cara. I’ve held my tongue, even if I wanted to fucking choke the life out of you because I thought my Cara was different. But you proved that you’ve changed by fucking him, even after everything we’ve been through. God knows I’ve tried everything, but nothing’s ever enough!” His face was inches from mine as he breathed down on me with such intensity I felt faint. “Well, you’ve got what you wished for. I’ve moved on, just as you asked. Does it feel good?”
Why couldn’t he just leave me be and go back to Hailey!
“I hate you! I hate you! I fucking hate you!” I venomously spat back, past caring that we were on the verge of killing each other.
“Good, because that’s all we have left, isn’t it? Devoid of everything … Because fuck, I’m numb with everything else but hate. I’ve got a shit ton of that.”
I felt like I was about to have a breakdown, right here, out on the pavement.
“Stop … just stop.” My plea wasn’t answered as he closed the small gap between us, his breath caressing my skin.
“Look at me. Look at me, damn you!” His loathing cold eyes seemed dead, almost lifeless. “I hope you sleep well knowing that you’ve thrown everything away. This one’s on you, Cara. This one’s definitely you.” He took one breath, then the next, before he cuttingly disconnected his gaze and began walking away, leaving me alone, reeling and wondering what just happened.
This one’s on you, Cara.
His last words hit where it hurt the most. The moment everything unraveled, there was no stopping the tidal wave of pain that was brought upon by my actions. River couldn’t get over that I betrayed him. In his eyes “his Cara” was an angel. And after learning what I had been doing with Kyle, well, the was the nail to the coffin for his love for me.
We were no more. Tonight just cemented that.
This one’s on you, Cara.
He was right, and I wasn’t going to ever forget it.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Is everything okay?” Kyle inquired as he softly trailed his lips around my neck. He came over for dinner and drinks and since both delights had come and gone, he was ready for dessert.
Eyes shut, my pulse was on a steady rhythm as I tried with every fiber in me to concentrate on what Kyle ought to make me feel. But for some reason, the thought of sex didn’t appeal to me. The heightened urge to go cry myself to sleep held a stronger pull than any physical activity.
“It’s that kind of night, huh?” he murmured, sounding more understanding than disappointed. He knew what I had been through, which was why he wasn’t so particularly adamant on sex, though he did keep on trying.
Tonight wasn’t an exception. This was his tenth try in a span of two weeks, all to no avail. My heart was broken, and for the life of me, I seemed to have lacked the capacity on mending it. I had done it once before. This time, though, the wound seemed too deep, my heart too shattered to even dare beat again. I felt dead, lifeless, as those dark fathomless eyes that cursed me right outside Phoenix’s house came to mind.
“How long do you plan to mope in your apartment? You have to speak to him, Cara.” Kyle sighed before leaning back against the couch with his head resting on my shoulder. “I don’t think you’ve noticed, but you’ve lost weight. Whatever’s eating you inside, you have to fix that, pretty one.”
“I just need more time. I’m sure I’ll be okay.” I sounded so hollow that I barely recognized my voice. I hardly had the capacity to convince myself, so I doubted Kyle bought the lies.
How did one say that she didn’t know where to begin? My spirit had all but dissipated, and all I could think about was that tragic moment.
I hope you sleep well knowing that you’ve thrown everything away. This one’s on you, Cara. This one’s definitely you.
He plagued me, and now it was I who couldn’t sleep.
Kyle stayed for another hour before leaving for the night. He seemed so worried about me. He believed that if I resolved this conflict with River, I would be in better form. But what he couldn’t comprehend was that I wasn’t ready to speak to River, even on friendly terms.
Him running into Hailey’s arms was an example of how warped this all was. He really wasn’t with her, not in the sense that mattered. His heart yearned for me, but he wouldn’t let his battered ego take his manhood away. So, he ran toward the person who would hurt me the most, just as I broke his heart by sleeping with Kyle. He was out for revenge, and he damn well knew how to serve it to me—cold and rotten.
I had an idea how ugly it could get once he realized what I had done, but never in my twisted mind did I pi
cture this. Never this.
It was perverse that he wanted us both to suffer. One couldn’t have all the happiness while the other suffered, now could they? Oh no, he warmly conjured a sickened web full of endless pain with the both of us miserably sharing our down-rotten fate. It was brilliant in the most heartbreaking way. Fucked up, but beautifully brilliant.
And crazy as it sounded, my love remained steadfast, fiercer than ever. Sometimes I wished our minds could dictate to our hearts. It would make the world a better place with less people impaired from broken hearts inflicted by soulless people who had altered their rose-tinted beliefs in life.
Just as expected, the night haunted me with the same bittersweet memories of the past. Even drinking myself to stupor wouldn’t kill the blasted memories. They came alive and torture me until my heart could bear it no longer.
It was becoming such a wearisome habit, waking up in the afternoon. Wallowing about my misfortunes wasn’t one of the things I liked to exercise, but as stated before, I couldn’t shake away the ill-gotten feeling that festered in my soul.
Still shifting in my bed, I reached out for my phone to check what time it was. Three-thirty. I slept thirty more minutes than yesterday.
I had a missed call from River. Time froze as my once tired eyes vanished while staring at the screen. He called three hours ago, and evidently left a voicemail.
With bated breath, I pressed play.
“Hey, I know I promised never to call you, but I’m hella excited, and you’re the first person I wanted to share the news with that I’m working on an album. It’s crazy, I know. I didn’t think this could happen … but it fucking did. So, yeah, and uh, I’ll be playing at the House of Blues tomorrow. I’ll be playing two songs that are mine, and the rest will be covers. But yeah, will you please come? It’d mean so much to me if you could pop in and give a little support. You’ve always been there in every huge milestone I’ve had. This is another, and I want you there. I need you there.” He paused. “Cara … I hope you’re okay. Well, uh, hope to see you. Good-bye.”