Hell No to Hmmm, Maybe

by Carolyn Klassen

  She traded shifts at work to come to Chicago with me. She’s a nurse. It shouldn't be possible in August on 3 weeks’ notice amid a beautiful and short Canadian summer to get the time—but Judy pulled it off. She trades favors with people like nobody’s business. She makes things happen, calling in favors with all those she has generously helped out in the past.

  When we were deciding what to do on our free evening the day before the show taping, we put our heads together in the hotel lobby. We tossed out ideas, realized which ones weren't possible because of the time of day, and determining which ones piqued both of our interest. We both love theatre, and she noticed a play that she'd heard was great was having a show nearby. I had just seen on ads on most light poles in downtown Chicago as the play to see. I was in!

  Carolyn, the introvert, looks for theatre tickets in the way most natural to her—I quietly googled for tickets. This was an unexpected, unbudgeted trip for each of us, so we were on the hunt for discounts. I found tickets for $90—third balcony. A chunk of change certainly, but we were in Chicago, after all—should we just go for it?

  Judy looked for tickets in her way. She found someone and asked. When she went off to get us each a drink in the hotel lobby, she didn't return for a long time. When she did get back, she let me know about her “new best friend, Anthony”, a hotel staffer who knows stuff about Chicago. She had asked him what the best approach to get tickets was.

  Her newest friend, Anthony, told her how to get tickets for $25. Yep, twenty-five bucks! And not nosebleed seats either. We followed Anthony's instructions by racing over to the theatre and hanging out in the lobby to get the last-minute unsold great seats.

  We sat in the 10th row in a huge theatre with three balconies! Those seats put us back $25 even—not a single extra fee. The guy beside us paid ten times that for his ticket. The play was hilarious, and had great songs with tight harmonies, and dancing that took my breath away.

  I’d been working that summer on being more confident in unfamiliar situations. Judy taught me more on that trip than I’d learned all summer.

  Hanging out with her in Chicago was worth 10 therapy sessions to witness, experience and practice courage and self confidence in strange circumstances!

  ◆◆◆

  Many of us are fortunate to have people in our lives supportive to us when the going gets rough. When we have life circumstances or life goals we need to work through, some of us are able to do that task because we have people around us. The community provides us with an environment in which we can grow and thrive.

  Not everybody does.

  Maybe you have people to whom you can show your wounded parts, and they cradle those parts. Do you have people who can challenge you when they see you mess up? And as they do, they do it in a way that leaves you feeling like they just love you so much that they want you to be a better person?

  Then perhaps you don’t need a therapist for the situation you are facing.

  Do you have people in your life who don’t let you be content with who you are now, and they love you enough to push you to improve yourself? And you trust them to make you uncomfortable because you know it’s good for you?

  If you have a caring tribe around you who can challenge and support and nurture you towards being more fully who you are, then you may not need counseling. You need loving folk who call you back to the beautiful core of you. Some need to have a professional play this role in our lives. If you have people in your life that can lovingly confront you in such a way that you say respond with both, “Ouch” and, “Thank you”, consider yourself blessed.

  If you have a person with whom who you feel safe to tell them how scared you are, and they respect you and tell you they are grateful for how you were brave to tell them, then you may be fortunate enough to have the sufficient resources to guide you through the struggle of life.

  If you have solid people who are good for you and there for you, then you may be able to do the work you need to do when you hit a rough spot in life without a therapist.

  6 Y

  ou are not in a place ready to do the work

  I’ve always admired split-second timing.

  For example:

  When the batter hits a home run.

  It’s magic when the bat connected with the ball at precisely the right position at the right time to propel it over the fence. The ball needs to connect with the bat at the exact precise instance. Too early or too late will make a foul ball. Hit true and far, it sails over the outfield into the stands.

  Great comedy is far more than fantastic jokes.

  Legendary comedians know how to time their delivery razor sharpness to impact the humor level of the material. We often celebrate comedians for having “good timing”.

  Cheerleaders who move in formation as together they chant and dance are amazing.

  As some boost others up and flip them through the air, still others arrive in position to catch them perfectly. If they aren’t there at the precise moment—ouch!

  Timing is critical in so many situations, isn’t it?

  ◆◆◆

  Several years ago, I remember a therapist colleague walking into the office. She had a full afternoon and evening booked with clients. Just on her way over to the office, she had discovered that her brother had died. He was elderly and had been sick, but his death had been sudden.

  She was reeling—and her first client of the day was already in the waiting room, waiting for the appointment to begin.

  She stumbled into my office, almost in a daze. She gave me the news of the family death and wondered out loud about the day. Her brother lived in Europe and she was powerless to do anything that day. She was certain she wanted to proceed with the therapy sessions.

  Therapists understand that a client’s time is valuable and often there has been a significant lead-up of emotional planning and energy required prior to an appointment. Sometimes, people don’t sleep well the night prior to an appointment. They can spend the hours prior to the appointment trying to decide how to talk about something important, or just even dreading the idea of bringing it up. Other times, clients have been eagerly awaiting the time to talk with someone they trust, and who facilitates them to move forward. Clients are often excited to anticipate sharing exciting progress or ways in which they have created a shift in their lives.

  The therapists I know are committed to keeping the appointments they have made with clients, because they are cognizant that cancelling at the last minute can be so disappointing for a client. Cancelling at the last minute might mean that we aren’t able to reach the client prior to them leaving their home or work for the appointment—and it can be brutal for anyone to get to an appointment only to find it cancelled. Arriving at a therapy appointment only to find it cancelled can be disheartening.

  The news of her brother’s death overwhelmed my colleague and now she had the challenge of a full day of clients beginning almost immediately.

  Making a split-second decision, knowing her determination and commitment to her clients, I made the choice to say something like this:

  “Normally, I would say how sorry I am, and would spend some time listening and asking questions about your loss—but I don’t think that would be kind, given your choice to see clients today. So, I won’t hug you as I would normally hug a friend in your position because now is the time to focus on the day ahead. Right now, it’s time to get your head in this game. You want to see clients today so that’s the focus right now. Let’s go turn on the lights in your office. Let’s go get you settled into your room.”

  I used a calm, business-like tone, not the softer tone I felt pulled to use when someone I care about has lost someone they care about. I kept my distance from her and stayed formal.

  She wanted to be ready to see clients in a few minutes, and embracing her, being empathic and consoling would be to elicit the grief at a time that wasn’t appropriate for her.

  She would not ignore her brother’s death in the big picture. Bu
t she was committed to doing what she felt was the right thing to do that day. So I helped her postpone the beginning of her grief until there was time and space to weep.

  I was not unkind to her that day in my brisk-ish tone. My intention was quite the opposite. She had chosen a job to do, and my intention was to help her postpone her grieving for a day to help her to do it. I knew there would be time later to mourn and contemplate his life and grieve his death when she could sink into her feelings.

  It actually felt as though it would have been unkind to be soft and soothing, giving her a warm hug and asking her to talk about her brother. To provide a conversation where she would have burst into sobbing minutes before focusing on a client would have been most unkind.

  ◆◆◆

  Timing is important in counseling. Sometimes those around you advise you to get help, but you’re not ready.

  For some people who aren’t ready, there are short-term issues:

  A college student goes on a first date, set up by her friends. Her date is rude to the server and talks about himself at length all evening. He is insensitive and doesn’t really engage her in conversation. She excuses herself to walk home alone and finds herself crying. She is oddly but significantly upset by sitting at the table with this man for an evening. She has trouble sleeping that night, with painful moments of the evening playing through her head. She has never reacted this way before. She wants to process her reaction to the date. Her friends in psychology wonder if it’s “daddy issues”, which is possible, given her father’s relationship with her. However, it is 10 days before exams. Her friends suggest that she put her experience of the date and the reaction that followed on the back burner to focus on studies. She makes an appointment to see a therapist after her semester is over.

  For others, the issues are bigger and longer term:

  A man comes in for assistance in grieving the sudden death of his wife in a motor vehicle accident and asks for help in therapy to parent his teen-aged daughters as they also grieve. He speaks longingly and lovingly of his wife, missing her terribly. He grieves the end of their marriage. One session he grieves how he wasn’t the husband he would have wanted to be for her. He’s tortured that he worked too much, was too distracted with his own interests and so on. He wonders if he was a disappointment to her. He does not return for another appointment. No explanation provided. Two years later, he returns. After some friendly chitchat about the intervening two years, he discloses to the therapist that early in his marriage she had a one-night stand with a man while on a business trip. She kept this information from him as a secret for two decades. He discovered the infidelity in some letters after her death. He tells the therapist he had to stop coming two years prior, because he wasn’t ready to disclose this secret to anyone at that point. He told the therapist he needed to focus on raising his daughters, which had become suddenly very challenging because his wife, and their mom had died. He was experiencing an intense shift in his life with the death of his wife, missing her and adjusting to life without her. His shock over the long-ago-infidelity stayed on the back burner. He was certain that if he had also disclosed her infidelity, he would have drowned in the pain. He wanted to just miss her then—now he was ready to deal with his anger. The intensity of adjustment, loss, sadness and loneliness of the time had now subsided. He was now able to look at her actions all those years ago. He had now returned, feeling ready and able to deal with his intense shame and anger that arose as a result of his wife’s actions all those years ago.

  There are times when the current circumstances suggest that it makes little sense to deal with more. Where going about your day to get life done, following routines, or dealing with the crises at hand is what makes sense.

  The additional processing of therapy may lead to feelings, which, in that moment, are not the right time to feel.

  It’s all about the timing.

  ◆◆◆

  Please recognize that there are categorical differences to “not being in a spot ready to do the work because of timing” vs “I don’t really want to do the work at all.” These are two vastly different situations. However, people often pass the latter off as the former:

  I can’t deal with our marriage now because I have a huge project at work that demands my full attention. Don’t ask me to go to therapy when I’m up for the big promotion at work and they are looking to see how I handle this project.

  This may be a timing issue if this is a one-time big endeavor. However, often this is the latest huge project after many years of big projects. It may be that this approach to a job is part of what has caused the marriage to crumble.

  I can’t deal with my drinking right now because of our daughter’s upcoming wedding. There are a million details to plan, and so many parties as a part of this event where alcohol will be served. The alcohol is part of celebrating our daughter’s marriage. I can’t focus on my drinking when this is such a good time of our lives. I don’t want to take any focus off my daughter’s joy.

  This sounds like a timing issue, at first blush. But in reality, it is also a time of celebration of marriage and of grieving the loss of a certain relationship with her as formally begins her own family of two. Precisely the occasions that often exacerbate excessive drinking habits. There is never a perfect moment to address excessive substance abuse. It’s safe to say that when family is challenging you on excessive drinking, it has already become a real problem for them. It’s likely that if you’re being encouraged to deal with your alcohol consumption now, it’s because a family member—maybe even your daughter—is worried that your drinking. There is likely concern that the most celebrated moments of her life will be negatively impacted.

  Yes, I had a difficult childhood that was abusive. Yes, those foster homes shuffled me around and I never felt part of a family. Yes, those years of partying to cope with the pain of my childhood were destructive. But that’s all gone, I’m fine now. I’m just barely finally enjoying my life, my job, my husband, and my kids. I don’t want to rock the boat now when I finally look like I have it together.

  This may be a valid claim. It’s can be helpful to delay the start of therapy until after a period of sustained stability. Therapy can feel destabilizing. Starting the work of counseling from a position of strength can be helpful. However, it is possible that this desire not to rock the boat is ignoring the nightmares that leave her exhausted in the morning. Or it may mean the unwillingness to challenge her husband on even simple everyday matters that keeps them from being as close as they would be otherwise. It could be that this “stability” is only achieved by unsustainable behaviors like incessant cleaning, cooking, ironing and attending to every detail all the time in a way that is exhausting. This may not be an authentic, “I’m in a good place now” statement, but something said desperately, with teeth gritted behind a façade of peace.

  ◆◆◆

  The real challenge is to sort out which category your desire not to attend therapy belongs.

  Is it a real reason?

  Is it an empty excuse?

  This is important to process with integrity: Is your stated story to attend therapy a reason or an excuse?

  ◆◆◆

  There are valid reasons a person should not attend therapy at this time—or at all.

  Then there are excuses disguised as reasons such as throwing stories out to avoid making an appointment for therapy. Frantically, eagerly searching for any reason at all to avoid dealing with that which holds you back in life. Desperately but firmly, stating whatever is needed to ensure that you don’t have to show up and face the issue which you are avoiding. Like a person in a sinking boat throwing off ballast to prevent sinking, you may throw out desperate lines when people tell you that this (whatever this is) can’t continue.

  Throwing out those excuses won’t stop your boat from sinking.

  Desperate excuses and valid reasons often sound similar on the outside.

  They may look and sound the same in conversation. />
  But internally, they come from diverse places.

  And teasing out the difference between an excuse and reason is what the next section is all about.

  Section III Empty excuses for why people avoid counseling

  If you’re a parent, you know that there is a difference between a real reason and an empty excuse. If you’re not a parent, let me give you an example of the difference:

  Your 17-year-old comes home 2 hours late from the curfew time you had both agreed on.

  Excuse: His friend, who gave him a ride refused to leave on time, and your son’s phone battery died so he couldn’t call you to tell you that.

  Reason: His friend fell at the party and was bleeding profusely. Your son called the ambulance and was putting pressure on the wound. In the confusion of getting to the hospital, time got away on him and he forgot to call.

  He might claim that the excuse is a reason, but as a parent, you recognize the difference, right?

  ◆◆◆

  You get a note from your 13-year-old son’s teacher saying that she is waiting to get back last week’s math test with your signature on it. It was due to be returned 3 days ago. He rotated through the following when asked about it:

  Excuse #1: He just keeps forgetting to ask his parents to sign it.

  Excuse #2: Then he tried telling the teacher his parents lost it.