Bear v. Shark: The Novel

by Chris Bachelder

  In the center of the room is a group of about seven or eight burly men with wild, round eyes, gathered loosely around a large map and a case of Hernia Soda. The men all stare at Mr. Norman. Some of them point guns at him.

  One of the burly, wild-eyed men says, “What’s the password?”

  Mr. Norman, on a family trip to see Bear v. Shark II, having a little difficulty sleeping, out wandering the halls, just looking for something to want, says, “What?”

  The men put down their guns. One of them says, “Get in here already. Grab yourself a Herney.”

  Another one says, “I thought we might see you here tonight.”

  Mr. Norman pulls up a chair and joins the loose circle of men. It feels good to be a part of something.

  One of the burly fellows says, “Listen, we all agree, do we not, that Bear v. Shark is a disease, a cancer, a subtle weapon of mass destruction unleashed on this nation by crafty, hardworking dog-eaters who seek world dominance.”

  Another stocky plotter says, “Well put.”

  The articulate burly guy continues. He says, “And further, we all agree that the best way to strike a blow against our skinny yellow foes is to detonate something.”

  The men say, “Here here.”

  Mr. Norman feels that something is not quite right, and yet the logic of it all has him in a stranglehold.

  The Television says, “Are you sick and tired of your ugly shins?”

  Mr. Norman is getting sleepy. He says, “The look and feel of real pork.”

  The well-spoken schemer says, “And since we can’t really blow up all of Vegas, that leaves us with either a casino, an elementary school, or an assisted-living community. I say we vote. Let’s see a show of hands for the casino.”

  A Plugged Inn security guard comes through the door and tips his cap to the hate group.

  Mr. Norman yawns and offers the guard a Hernia Soda.

  58

  Textual Evidence

  OK, we’re back. Before we continue our conversation with Dr. Underwood.

  I’m not really a doctor.

  I want to remind listeners to check out our Web site at double-u double-u double-u dot bloodbathmania all one word dot com forward slash democratic spirit forward slash public pulse forward slash freedom. Once you’re there, you can vote, you can purchase merchandise, you can see who your favorite celebrities are pulling for, you can read Facts for Fence-Sitters, and you can take a quiz to see how closely you match the general profile of a bear or a shark fan. Also, you can e-mail us with your answer to our Question of the Week. As you know, last Saturday a Cincinnati man won a radio station’s ticket giveaway promotion by eating his own hand up to the wrist.

  Whoa.

  And so this week we want to know: “What would you do for a ticket to Bear v. Shark II?

  Be creative, folks.

  Now then, Dr. Underwood.

  I’m ABD, actually.

  It is your contention that Shakespeare had bear sympathies.

  Yes.

  On what basis would you make this claim?

  Well, textual evidence. An on-line Shakespeare concordance shows well over four hundred references to bear or bears in the plays.

  And fewer references to sharks?

  Just two. In Hamlet, weve got young Fortinbras sharking up lawless resolutes in Norways skirts, and then.

  Then of course the witches in Macbeth.

  Yes, of course.

  They throw the maw and gulf of the ravined salt-sea shark into that brew. Right, Doc?

  Yes.

  Toil and trouble. Thats pretty fearsome stuff. Did they put any ravined bear parts in there?

  The shark is minor in Shakespeare. You’ll find far more goats, crabs, whales, newts, worms, wolves, dolphins, sheep, and of course bears.

  So how would you respond, Dr. Underwood, to Newman’s elegant “negative evidence thesis” — that is, the alarming paucity of sharks in Shakespeare is indicative of the Bard’s terror of, and respect for, these marine killers?

  I think that’s silly. There’s also an alarming paucity of station wagons in Shakespeare, but you don’t see me trying to build a career on it.

  The maw and gulf of the ravined salt-sea shark. Wow. Sorry, that is just terrifying stuff, Doc.

  Listen, in Romeo and Juliet weve got roaring bears, in The Tempest weve got angry bears, in Troilus and Cressida weve got churlish bears, and in Lear weve got head-lugged bears. In The Winter’s Tale, weve got a guy exiting, pursued by a bear.

  Head-lugged?

  Dragged by a chain around the head, and thus surly.

  What does ravined mean?

  And in Macbeth, V.vii, weve got Big Mac saying, I cannot fly, But bear-like I must fight the course.

  Scene seven?

  Yes.

  Doesn’t Macbeth die while fighting bear-like?

  That’s not the point.

  How would you respond to the claim that Shakespeare was writing some four hundred years before Bear v. Shark was formulated?

  I’d call that the worst kind of historical provincialism. Bear v. Shark is just the most recent cultural articulation of an archetypal binary.

  And how would you respond to the claim that the overwhelming majority of bear references in Shakespeare are verbs and not animals?

  You know sometimes it’s like Freud never happened.

  I’m thinking As You Like It, II.iv, Celia says, I pray you bear with me; I cannot go further, and Touchstone says, For my part, I had rather bear with you than bear you; yet I should bear no cross if I did bear you; for I think you have no money in your purse. Sure, a lot of bears here, Doc, but theyre not talking about grizzlies.

  It’s like, post-Freud, I can’t believe two people could be having this conversation. Verb bears, far more so than noun bears, are proof of the Bards deep obsession.

  You’re saying expression of the unconscious.

  Yes.

  And how much credence do you give to the fact that an anagram of Shakespeare is A shark’s epee?

  I give it precisely as much credence as it deserves. It’s not scholarship.

  Dr. Underwood, how have your ideas been accepted in the academic community?

  They have been accepted as all dangerous truths hath e’er been accepted.

  Well good for you. We wish you continued success.

  59

  The Shark’s Neck

  Mr. Norman wakes up in the small Television lounge of the Plugged Inn. The hate group is gone. Was there really a hate group in the lounge or was there just a realistic Television program about a hate group? Mr. Norman wonders what happened to the group. Cops probably got those guys, unless it’s a two-parter. Tune in next week.

  A small scrap of paper underneath Mr. Norman’s stuffed chair says, “We’ll see you in Vegas.”

  Mr. Norman looks at his watch for the time, but it’s all temperature, altitude, important phone numbers. What the hell time is it?

  He (Mr. Norman) says, “It’s a cold bowl of chili when love lets you down.”

  The Television says, “Do you want to roll or pass, Darrell?”

  Toby Wiley, eleven, of Statesville, N.C., says, “I’d drink real piss for a ticket.”

  Shit, what time is it? Mr. Norman’s watch is all color, logo, design. It’s gorgeous, this thing.

  Mr. Norman walks back to his room, where his family is watching Television and packing their bags.

  Mrs. Norman says, “I was just looking for you. Did you get my e-mail?”

  Mr. Norman says, “I’m tired of my ugly shins.”

  The Normans walk to the lobby for checkout and complimentary Continental Breakfast.

  Mr. Norman says, “Calvin, what do you know about the Round-Eyed Sons of the Knightly Order?”

  Curtis says, “It’s Curtis.”

  Mr. Norman says, “Don’t get fresh, Cal.”

  Curtis says, “They’re a hate group, Dad. Nutbags. They’ve been blowing stuff up, hanging bears and sharks in refugee. The sharks n
ever stay strung up on account of no necks.”

  Mr. Norman says, “It’s apogee, son.

  Matthew says, “Technically, the shark does have a neck.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Why would anyone be opposed to bears and sharks? They’re beautiful creatures, each one in their own way.”

  An unsupervised drowning kid in the pool says, “Help.”

  Mr. Norman says, “Come to think of it, they did seem a little suspicious.”

  Curtis says, “Steer clear of RESKO, Dad.”

  In line for juice substitute, a burly traveling software salesman with a philosophy degree and an extensive criminal record says, “I would have preferred the analytic breakfast.

  The guy looks familiar to Mr. Norman.

  Curtis says to the traveling software salesman, “Do you have a Web site?”

  Tiny diamonds of white morning sun shimmer on the wet, flailing arms of the unsupervised drowning kid.

  Curtis and the felon swap business cards and promise to keep in touch.

  60

  Bear v. Shark:

  The Quiz

  Test your knowledge of bears and sharks with this fun True or False quiz. The answers can be found in Chapter 82.

  Sharks do not have tongues.

  The polar bear and the Kodiak (North American brown) bear are the largest members of the bear family.

  Sharks have poor vision.

  Almost all bears are omnivorous. The koala bear is the only herbivorous bear.

  Blue sharks, the most prolific of the shark family, generally give birth to 2550 pups at one time, and occasionally a litter will consist of 100 pups or more.

  Bears preparing for hibernation will eat up to 20,000 calories per day.

  The whale shark, which occasionally reaches a length of 50 feet or more, is the largest fish.

  Bears actually appear in the fossil record prior to sharks.

  Some sharks can predict the future.

  Bear gallbladders, believed to have medicinal properties, fetch a high price on the black markets of Eastern countries.

  Shark attacks cause an average of 25 human fatalities each year.

  During hibernation a period of 27 months bears do not need to eat, drink, urinate, or defecate.

  61

  Seven-Second Delay

  In the backseat Curtis is talking on a cell phone. He says, “Hi.”

  Then he says, “Oh, pretty good.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Mind if we turn on the radio?”

  Mr. Norman says, “You know, I hardly remember anything about my childhood.”

  A Talk Radio Host says, “OK, time to take some calls. This is Omar from Fairbanks, Alaska. Hi, Omar.”

  Omar says, “Hi.”

  Curtis says, “I have two questions, really.”

  Mr. Norman says, “I see pictures from when I was a kid and it’s like it’s someone else.”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “How’s life treating you up there in Fairbanks?”

  Curtis says, “First, what is your stance on the whole shark-on-ark debate? I mean, it just seems like Noah would have needed some kind of holding tank, which was probably not feasible for early sailing vessels.”

  Omar says, “Oh, pretty good.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Don’t you think that’s how it is for everyone?”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, what’s your question for Reverend Hollis?”

  Mr. Norman says, “Maybe so.”

  Omar from Alaska says, “I have two questions, really.”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “OK, fire away, Omar.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “I mean, those people, us, that we see in pictures are younger, fresher, they have better shins. It’s hard to identify with them.”

  Omar says, “First, what is your stance on the whole shark-on-ark debate? I mean, it just seems like Noah would have needed some kind of holding tank, which was really probably not feasible for early sailing vessels.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Ooh, interesting question. Curt, are you listening to this?”

  Curtis says, “Yes, ma’am.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “Well, as you know, that question is stirring up quite a bit of controversy right now. Many bear-leaning biblical scholars and Televangelists have argued, based on the so-called Holding Tank Thesis you mentioned, that there could not have been sharks on the ark, and thus the animal is probably a creature that the Devil sent to earth to destroy bears and other noble vertebrates, such as humans.”

  Omar says, “Yes, ma’am.”

  Mr. Norman says, “But the scary thing is that it’s not just my childhood. I have trouble remembering anything about my life, even from a week ago.”

  Curtis says, “That is such horseshit, Reverend.”

  A radio censor says, “Kill that.”

  Mr. Norman says, “And then I think maybe it’s best that I don’t remember. Maybe the truly scary thing is that there’s really nothing much to remember.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “However, Omar, there is some evidence to support the claims now being made that Noah or perhaps a pious cabin boy could have kept sharks alive by wrapping them in wet sacks or baggies, or even by just chaining them to the deck. After all, there was plenty of rain.”

  Curtis says, “Who do you think would win in a fight between a bear and one of the disciples?”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “Yeah, a real frog-strangler, Reverend.

  The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, what’s your second question for Reverend Hollis?”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Larry, I think you’re probably just tired from work and all this driving.”

  Omar says, “Who do you think would win in a fight between a bear and one of the disciples?”

  Curtis says, “Oh, I don’t know, Luke?”

  Mr. Norman says, “Well, I am tired, but I think maybe there’s something else, like there’s some switch that never got switched.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “Well, that really depends on which one you’re talking about. I wouldn’t want to make some blanket statement. Did you have anyone in mind?”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Switch?”

  Omar says, “Oh, I don’t know, Luke?”

  Mr. Norman says, “Yeah, like a feeling switch or something.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “Oh, well there is some evidence to suggest that Luke was narcoleptic and really skinny, so I wouldn’t want to plop a lot of money down on him. And same goes for Paul — Paul would be hopelessly outmatched, that goes without saying.”

  Mr. Norman says, “Curtis, Matthew?”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Matthew’s asleep, honey.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “Now Mark, Mark is a different story. Mark was scrappy and he had very good speed for his size, and so I’d want to say he’d have a decent shot against a bear, Omar.”

  Mr. Norman says, “Curtis, do you ever feel like, I don’t know, like something’s wrong or something’s missing?”

  Curtis says, “No.”

  Mrs. Norman says, “Larry, he’s just a kid.”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “That’s interesting, Reverend.”

  Mr. Norman says, “But that’s when the switch switches. Or doesn’t switch.”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “Omar, any more questions for Reverend Hollis?”

  Omar says, “No.”

  Mr. Norman says, “Listen, Curt, if you ever feel like something’s not right, even if you don’t know quite what it is, I want you to come talk to me.”

  Curtis says, “I will.”

  Mr. Norman says, “That’s good, buddy. I’m here for you.”

  Reverend Hollis says, “Thanks for the tough questions, Omar.”

  The Talk Radio Host says, “Yes, thanks, Omar, and give everyone in Fairbanks a big bear hug for us.”

  Omar says, “I will.”

  62

  We Know You Know

  Psssst. Hey, you. The smart one there, surrounded by those zombie robots all dolled up in the latest fashions and chatteri
ng on and on about bears and sharks. Yeah, you. Listen up.

  Look, we here at Sexy Pants know that you know that a damn pair of pants, even a pair of Sexy Pants, is not going to make you happy, fulfilled, or even Sexy. And hey, we know that you know that we know it.

  And we know, too, that you see all those vapid little consumers in the mall dropping their hard-earned cash for expensive pants that are just going to leave them feeling all empty in their souls and in their wallets.

  But you, now you’re different. You’re cut from a different cloth, just like Sexy Pants. You’re onto the game, and you’re not going to let it play you.

  So set yourself apart from the rest. Wear Sexy Pants.

  Because Savvy is Sexy.

  63

  An Outreach Situation

  OK, relax. Tell us what happened. Start at the beginning.

  He just started beating the crap out of me. I don’t have any arms in that shark costume and I couldn’t defend myself.

  Wait, wait. Back up. What were you doing at the elementary school?

  San Francisco 3, Florida 2.

  The fighting is not supposed to be real.

  OK, relax.

  Have you found Bobby yet?

  We’re looking for Bobby. Just settle down and tell the story from the start.

  Atlanta 10, Philadelphia 2.

  Well, me and Bobby travel around to different schools, you know. We wear these furry costumes. I’m the shark and he’s the bear.

  The shark costume is furry?

  Well, yeah, the fur is not as shaggy as the bear fur. But it’s hard to make a suit with the look and feel of real cartilage.

  I understand.

  My mother made the suits.

  Her name?

  New York Mets 3, Montreal 1.

  Agnes.

  So who do you work for?

  I work for the highway department.

  The highway department pays you to visit schools in bear and shark costumes?