The Courage to Try

by C. A. Popovich

  Jaylin laughed at some of Dana’s grooming tales and she shared a few stories about her patients. Maria told stories about clients from her beauty shop and her friends in the choir. Jaylin realized how much she missed having friends.

  “How’s Justin doing?” Jaylin had met Maria’s son a year ago when he was a freshman in the same college from which she’d graduated.

  “He’s doing well. He’s in his second year and still loves school and still plans to finish veterinary medicine. I told him you sold your clinic and moved, and he’s looking forward to coming to check out your new place.”

  “Any time. I’m sure Dr. Berglund would be happy to show him the large animal side of the practice, too,” Jaylin said.

  “He’ll be visiting us over the Fourth of July weekend. It’d be great if you could join us. We’re planning a little barbeque at Pastor Wright’s in Port Huron. Bring Kristen.”

  Jaylin allowed herself to believe that would be possible. Only for a moment.

  Jaylin sipped her iced tea for fifteen minutes after her friends left and tried to swallow her disappointment. Maybe Kristen thought it was too late to stop. Maybe her dad held her up. He had looked tired. But Kristen would have called if she couldn’t make it, wouldn’t she? The whispered “later” after that gentle kiss had convinced her that Kristen would show up. She touched her lips again. They tingled with the memory, and she smiled.

  She sat in her car for another ten minutes watching the parking lot. This is ridiculous. She pulled up Kristen’s number and waited as it dialed.

  Hi. This is Kristen. Leave a message.

  “Hi, Kristen. It’s Jaylin. I wanted to let you know that I’m leaving Panera. I’m sorry I missed you. Hope everything is okay.”

  Jaylin disconnected the call, took one more look at the parking lot, and started her car.

  She was about to pull out of the lot when she saw Kristen’s little Boxter slide into a spot in the front of the building.

  “Damn fool.” Jaylin grinned as she got back out of her car. “Hey. I didn’t think you were going to make it.”

  “I’m sorry I’m late. I’m so glad you’re still here. Are Dana and Maria gone?”

  “Yeah. They had a forty-five minute drive home. I’m glad you made it, though. Have you eaten?”

  “No, but I’m not hungry. You’re probably ready to go home.” Kristen rolled her neck from side to side, obviously trying to work out kinks.

  “You look tired. Come on. We’ll get you something to eat. I’ll have a cup of tea.” Jaylin cupped Kristen’s elbow and led her into the restaurant.

  “That sounds good.”

  Jaylin faltered for a minute as she realized the reversal of support. Kristen was always the one to take her arm or to perch her hand on her back. She was glad to support her for a change. “What’s going on?”

  Kristen plopped into a chair.

  “You all right?” Jaylin asked.

  “Yeah. I’m just tired. Dad wouldn’t shut up when I got him home. It was like I’d given him a shot of adrenaline, so I couldn’t leave him. You’ve made quite an impression on him, Dr. Meyers.” Kristen smiled.

  “Me? What do you mean?” Jaylin ordered a sandwich and two cups of tea.

  “He kept going on about the nice young veterinarian with the dog that ‘runs fast.’”

  “Huh. I’m glad he enjoyed the obedience show. I kind of thought he would doze off.”

  “Nope. I’m glad I took him. He ended up having a good time, I think. He also went on and on about the veterans riding in the car with him. I haven’t seen him so animated in a long time.” Kristen took a bite of her sandwich and shook her head. “I wish I could bring him home.”

  Jaylin grasped Kristen’s hand. “It must be hard, but he’s well cared for, with twenty-four-hour nursing care. You did the right thing by moving him there.”

  “Yeah. I still have to convince myself sometimes, I guess. I feel as if I’m failing him somehow.”

  Jaylin could understand the feeling of failure. As hard as she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to find her brother until after he was dead. She’d never had a parent she cared about, however. She squeezed Kristen’s hand, let go, and drank her tea.

  Kristen ate quickly, her attention on her food. Finally, she pushed her plate away and sighed happily.

  “Thanks for the sandwich. I needed it.” Kristen smiled at Jaylin, who seemed like she was miles away. “Where’d you go?”

  “You just got me thinking about the fact that I don’t have a parent. It doesn’t usually bother me.” Jaylin looked puzzled.

  “I don’t want to bring up a painful subject, but you told me once you grew up in foster care. So, you were never close to your foster parents?” Kristen shifted in her seat, realizing how self-absorbed she’d been. She pushed aside her fears and concentrated on Jaylin. The least she could do was listen to her.

  “Nope. Never.” Jaylin leaned forward and rested her arms on the table. “I already told you I never knew my mother. She left my one-year-old brother and me when I was three. By the time I was five, we were in our third foster home. That’s when…”Jaylin blinked away tears and shifted back in her seat “They took my baby brother away. The family had four boys already and wanted a girl. I was miserable for three years. I didn’t know where they’d taken, Roy, my brother. That, and their oldest son reached puberty that year.” Jaylin lowered her head and Kristen covered her hand with her own.

  “You don’t have to tell me more.” Rage blazed through Kristen at the thought of Jaylin hurting so much.

  “It’s fine. I haven’t talked about all this in a long time. I spent another year with that family. It was a year filled with fear and panic. I was terrified of being alone with that kid. He’d grab my hand and rub it against his genitals. At least he never took his pants off. I think he was afraid I’d hurt him.” Jaylin smiled. “I’d like to think that I would have. I was only eight years old, but I knew something was wrong about it. I didn’t know exactly what though. Fortunately, my foster parents decided I wasn’t such a cute little girl anymore, and returned me to the system. I was traded in for a younger model.” Jaylin shook her head and snorted.

  “So, did you ever see your brother after that?”

  “No. I tried to find out where they’d taken him, but nobody would tell me. I spent the rest of my childhood living on memories of him, and hoping we’d eventually be together one day. But I never saw him again.”

  Kristen raised Jaylin’s trembling hand to her lips. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Thank you for telling me.”

  Jaylin cupped Kristen’s face with her hand. “Thanks for listening. Can we get the hell out of here? I’m sick of listening to myself, so you must be fed up with it.”

  Kristen frowned. How could Jaylin think she’d feel that way? Was she such a bad friend that it seemed she wouldn’t stop to listen? She knew that she couldn’t change Jaylin’s past, but she feared her capability to support her. Maybe listening was enough.

  “I’m not fed up with anything. I’ll listen anytime you need to talk,” Kristen said. She pulled Jaylin into a hug.

  “Thank you.”

  “Let’s go.” Kristen grabbed Jaylin’s hand and led her out of Panera.

  “I didn’t realize it was so late. I’ve been blabbing away at you, and you were tired when you got here.”

  “Not to worry.” Kristen relaxed as they got closer to their vehicles. She released Jaylin’s hand and opened her driver’s door.

  “Thank you again.” Jaylin turned and leaned against the car with the driver’s door open.

  “Anytime.” Kristen struggled with her desire to kiss Jaylin, who must be feeling raw and vulnerable. She didn’t need her making a move, but she wasn’t sure how else to show her support. She gently kissed her cheek. “Good night. Drive carefully.”

  “Thanks, Kristen.”

  “Oh, hey. I wanted to let you know about an event at my gun club. It’s called a club shoot. It’s a skeet sho
oting competition for members of our club. There’ll be a dinner served afterward. I’d like it if you’d come as my guest.” Kristen shifted from foot to foot, waiting for Jaylin to reply. She seemed to hesitate for ages, and Kristen was just about to tell her not to worry about it when she finally answered.

  “I’d love to watch you shoot, Kristen, but I’ve never been to a gun club before. Is it fancy?”

  “Fancy? As in dressy, fancy?”

  “Yeah.” Jaylin looked confused.

  Kristen couldn’t hold back. She lightly skimmed Jaylin’s lips with her own and murmured against them. “No. Jeans and a T-shirt. Nothing fancy.”

  “Hmm. No kissing.” Jaylin melted into Kristen’s arms and wrapped her arms around her neck.

  “Okay.” Kristen deepened the kiss and pulled Jaylin against her.

  Jaylin pulled back and took a deep breath. “Oh, my. This feels way too good.”

  She wrapped her arms around her waist, and rested her chin on Jaylin’s shoulder. A sense of peace engulfed her, and she sighed at the feeling of rightness. “Yeah, it feels like it was meant to be, but I’m not sticking to our agreement very well.”

  “Huh. And I am?” Jaylin snuggled closer.

  “Do you think we need to revise it? Like, only limited kissing?” Kristen nuzzled her neck.

  Jaylin stepped out of her embrace and reached for her car door. “I’m really sorry, Kristen. I’m giving off mixed messages, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It’s been a long day, it’s late, and we’re both tired. I’ll text you my e-mail address so you can send me the details of the gun club event.”

  “Okay. We’ll talk again. Be careful driving.” Kristen headed to her car. Why can’t I control myself around her?

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Jaylin drank her coffee as she waited for Maggie to finish talking to a newcomer.

  “Sorry I took so long.” Maggie pulled out a chair and sat across from her. “What’s up? You’re not usually here on Wednesday.”

  “I’m a little frightened.” Jaylin ran a hand through her hair. “I got another e-mail from Sally.”

  Maggie reached over and squeezed Jaylin’s hand. “What did she say?”

  “That she wanted to hook up again. She wants to meet at some bar downtown. God, Maggie, I thought she was gone.” Jaylin paced next to the table.

  “You can probably get a restraining order against her,” Maggie said.

  “I suppose. She’s playing games with me. She used to do that all the time. She’d tell me how important I was to her and then refuse to speak to me for days. She’d grunt and expect me to know what she wanted. When she started slapping me and telling me I liked it, I knew something had to change.” Jaylin stopped pacing and sat down again.

  “She’s probably pissed because she can’t control you anymore.”

  “Maybe that’s it, but I’m not sure what to do, and it’s been a long time. I’d have thought she’d moved on to someone else by now. Maybe she’s between women and bored, so she’s testing the waters. I don’t know. I’m going to have to confront her and tell her to leave me alone. And then there’s Kristen.”

  “What’s up with Kristen?”

  “We talked a few days ago and she told me she was struggling with her feelings for me but wanted to try to remain friends. Neither of us knew what to do about it. I don’t want to hurt her, or myself. God, I’m a mess.” Jaylin rested her chin on her hands.

  “I can see how anxious you are. Take a deep breath. Try to relax. It’s hard to find answers while consumed with apprehension.” Maggie settled back in her chair and eyed Jaylin. “Do you want to know what I think?”

  “Always. Why stop now?” Jaylin grinned. She allowed the serenity of Maggie’s presence to wash over her.

  “I think that there’s a part of you who trusts Kristen, or wants to, anyway. She hasn’t done anything to make you believe you can’t trust her, and you’re waiting for the shoe to drop. Am I right?”

  “Yep.”

  “So, you won’t trust her because idiot Sally abused you and you let her. Right?”

  Jaylin sighed before replying. “Right again.”

  Maggie hesitated before continuing. “I’m not trying to put words in your mouth. You know that, don’t you?”

  “Sure.” Jaylin rolled her empty coffee cup between her hands. “I know you’re trying to help me sort through my feelings. Make sense of them.”

  Maggie looked at Jaylin and tilted her head. “Then just start talking.”

  “Okay, so she’s not like Sally. Nothing like Sally, but she could be. She could decide that her needs are more important than anyone else’s. She could decide that control by humiliation is what I need. Sally was all lovey-dovey and respectful when we first got together.”

  Maggie shook her head and shrugged one shoulder. “What if she did? What if you decided to trust Kristen, and she turned out to be untrustworthy?”

  Jaylin covered her face with her hands and rubbed her eyes. “Damn it. It’s me I don’t trust. I don’t trust that I’d be able to take care of myself, so I’m too afraid to try.”

  Maggie rested her hand on Jaylin’s arm. “These lessons keep coming, don’t they?”

  “Yeah. You know, even if I decide I can trust Kristen, it doesn’t mean she won’t leave me when she totally gets to know me.”

  Maggie squeezed Jaylin’s hand. “You want guarantees. And there aren’t any. You’re going to have to decide whether or not you’re willing to take a risk. And only you know that.”

  Jaylin rested her head on her forearms after Maggie left. Questions beat at her and answers were nowhere in sight.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Jaylin made her way to a table between the bar and the door. She’d arrived earlier than their agreed upon time so she could see when Sally came in. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans and took a deep breath as she watched the entrance. She’d responded to Sally’s e-mail and agreed to meet her at a nearby club with the intention of letting her know she didn’t want anything to do with her. It felt important to do it in person, to face her demon head-on, rather than by e-mail, which clearly wasn’t working. Her stomach rolled and her heart raced when she saw Sally strut into the building.

  “There you are. I knew you’d come. I still own you.” Sally snickered as she sat down.

  “Listen, Sally. We aren’t meant for each other. You need to find someone who can give you what you want. I just wanted to tell you face-to-face, so there’s no question about the way I feel.” Jaylin clasped her hands on the table to keep them from shaking. She glanced around, relieved to see several couples dancing and several more lined up at the bar. She would probably have help if she needed it. I can do this.

  “I know you, Jay. I can give you what you like.” Sally’s scowl sent a shiver of fear down Jaylin’s spine. That initial reaction of interest brought on by her e-mail was gone and had been replaced with revulsion. And strength.

  “No, Sally. You don’t, and you can’t. I don’t trust you. I want you to quit sending me e-mails and leave me alone. We’re over.” Jaylin stood and walked toward the door, feeling as though she’d shed a persona, and a person she no longer had any use for. It was invigorating. Kristen’s image flashed in her mind, and she held fast to the resolve it evoked. Before she could reach the door, she was on her knees, her right arm twisted behind her, and the metal bite of handcuffs icy on her wrist.

  “You can’t just walk away. You’ll go when I tell you to go,” Sally whispered in her ear. She yanked Jaylin’s arm harder.

  “What the hell are you doing, Sally? Let go of me.” Jaylin pushed herself to her feet and spun around, forcing Sally to release her arm. Panic threatened to overwhelm her and adrenaline shot through her. Sally pushed her forward and Jaylin turned in time to see a tall brunette step next to them.

  “Excuse me, but do you need help?” the tall stranger asked Jaylin, ignoring Sally.

  “Stay out of this. It’s none of your business.” Sally spat
at the woman and twisted Jaylin’s arm.

  Jaylin raised her foot, slid her shoe down Sally’s shin, and stomped forcefully on the top of her foot. Sally released her hold on Jaylin’s arm and limped to a chair. Who knew that lesson in foster care would come in handy?

  The tall woman grinned and shook her head. “Nice move. My name’s Debby. It looks as if you have this situation under control, but let me know if you need me.” Debby returned to the bar.

  “Thanks,” Jaylin said. Something about Debby looked familiar, but she turned her attention to Sally. “Take this thing off me.” She held out her arm with the handcuffs dangling next to Sally’s nose.

  Sally glared at her and rubbed her shin before fumbling with a key and releasing the cuffs. She stood and hung the cuffs on her belt. “You don’t deserve me. I’m leaving you. You blew your chance.” Sally grumbled as she unsuccessfully struggled not to hobble out of the bar.

  Jaylin slumped into a chair and rested her head in her hands. Her heart was racing, her pulse jumping, and her stomach felt like there were hamsters doing backflips in it. I did it. I stood up to her. And she left. Elation was quickly replacing fear. When she felt settled, she went to look for Debby.

  “I wanted to thank you again for offering to step in to help me. My name’s Jaylin.” She held out her hand to Debby.

  “You’re welcome, Dr. Meyers. It didn’t look as if you were enjoying that woman’s attention. And you sure as hell let her know where to go.” Debby’s smile was warm, her brown eyes gentle.

  “You look familiar, and you seem to know who I am. Why is that?” Jaylin took a step back, unnerved.

  “I’m a friend of Kristen’s. I saw you at Dr. Berglund’s once when I was there talking to him about my horse.”

  Jaylin studied Debby for a second and smiled. “I remember you now. I was talking to Sarah at the clinic and you were leaving. I remember thinking you have a nice smile. Thank you again for offering your help today. That woman is my ex, Sally, and a real idiot.”