Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

“I’m okay,” I say taking a step closer. “I’ve great people looking after me.”

  Danny eyes me, feeling the change in my demeanour but maybe not allowing himself to believe the possibilities it could bring.

  “We all want you back to your old self.” His voice is slightly shaky from our proximity.

  “Maybe after the hospital we could go out?” The words wander from my lips unchecked, but I go with it. “We could have dinner or something.”

  His eyes light up as he tries to suppress a smile. “That would be really great,” he says, brimming with emotion. We stand a foot apart, I can feel the charging energy between us, it takes us both by surprise. I know he has lifted me naked in and out of the bath on several occasions over the last couple of weeks, but we have treated that like a separate world. It’s not referred to. So this closeness we have now is the first of its kind since he came back. I take a deep breath. I wish he would kiss me.

  “Danny.” Someone calls from the door. “Where’s the ice cream?”

  Our spell is broken. “Sorry,” he calls. ‘Sorry,’ he mouths to me, as he carries it into the diner.

  I go back to the table and slump down opposite Connie. I sigh.

  “So?” she demands after a pause.

  “So, he is taking me to the hospital…and then we are having dinner.” I smile, looking towards him again. “And I asked him, before you say anything!” I add.

  “Well, it’s about time.”

  I turn back to Connie and smile.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Liv

  Too scary?

  “Oh! That’s amazing.” I sigh as I relax with my whole body in the bath for the first time since, I can hardly remember when. “I can’t believe they took it off!” I repeat for the twentieth time since we left the hospital.

  To my surprise, they removed the cast today and didn’t replace it. I still can’t put any weight on it until I’ve had this screw removed, but the rest of my rehabilitation will take place cast free. The feeling of being under the water is both blissful and slightly unnerving. I gently flex my foot again as per my physio instructions, just because I can. The whole thing is just plain weird.

  “I think we should celebrate,” says Danny from his usual spot leaning against the bathroom cabinet.

  “Okay,” I say, excited about my evening with him. “Where shall we go? Remember I still probably can’t wear a shoe!”

  “Leave it to me,” he says cryptically.

  I sink back in the bubbles and relax. Things are starting to get better.

  “You look beautiful,” he says when I come out of my bedroom. I’ve admittedly gone all out and I feel a bit overdone, considering I don’t know where we're going. But I haven’t worn much more than a tracksuit for so long, I needed this. The crutches ruin any outfit, but despite that I feel sexy, just for having made an effort. Max was right, I did have one decent pair of shoes that fit my swollen foot and he has done a great job with the rest of my outfit too. It feels like that first night Danny came back into my life all over again. I smile to myself thinking about how that ended.

  “Shall we?” he says, holding open the door for me. As I pass him and begin to hand him my crutches, he laughs. “I’m not letting you crawl down the stairs in that dress.” He says firmly and sweeps me up in his arms.

  “Whoa!” I cry.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you this time.” He says gently as he looks in my eyes. At first I think he is talking about my emotions and I freeze, staring intently at him, but then I realise he is referring to hitting my ankle on the door handle the first time he took me to bed. I blush, but then tuck my ankle in, just to be sure.

  “Please don’t.” I implore.

  Danny grins and we set off carefully down the stairs. Once I’m back on the ground, he holds open the door and we step out into the diner. A wolf-whistle comes from the kitchen as we pass and I stop briefly to chastise Jake for sexual harassment in the work place.

  “Have fun kids.” He laughs as he ignores me and carries on with his work.

  When we get outside, a flashy car is waiting and the driver opens the rear door for us. It’s not a limo, but is more like a limo than a cab. I think you would call it an executive car. I look at Danny in disbelief before sliding in and he gets in the other side, looking excited and nervous in equal measure. What is going on?

  “Where are we going?” I whisper nervously.

  “Surprise.” Danny giggles.

  “This is a bit swanky isn’t it?” I say in disbelief.

  “I thought we could both have a drink and I didn’t want you squeezing in a cramped cab.”

  I smile at his thoughtfulness and my stomach flips over. As we set off, an image of Danny in my bed flashes into my head. Oh my God! What am I doing? I have to spend an evening with him goodness knows where and I’m thinking about him naked already. How am I going to get through tonight? I shake the thought out of my head and glance at him, grateful that he can’t see my blush in the half light.

  We drive for almost half an hour, chatting sporadically. Nerves getting the better of both of us. Then when I’ve absolutely no idea where we are, the car pulls up in a tiny village and Danny helps me from the car. We are standing outside an unassuming but undoubtedly classy brasserie. Danny opens the door for me and I smile at him as I pass. Danny gives his name and we are seated in a cosy corner.

  "This is lovely!" I quietly giggle as we open our menus. “I wasn’t expecting anything like this. I thought we would maybe try that new Thai place at the end of the road!"

  "What? No! We're celebrating. You are one step closer to being back in one piece, I wanted to bring you some place nice" He smiles. “We can try the Thai place some other time though,” he says with a twinkle in his eye, certain that this won’t be our only night out.

  We order wine and exchange a knowing glance as the waiter notes it down. Wine gets us both drunk, but in this kind of place, there isn't much else you can do, I would feel very uncouth ordering spirits, so we just go with it.

  "Cheers," I say when the waiter leaves us alone with our wine, having taken our order. We clink glasses. "Thank you for bringing me here."

  "It’s my pleasure," he replies. "I’ve wanted to take you out for a while."

  "So, why haven't you?" I ask cautiously, a little afraid that the answer will lead to a conversation that we can't have here. I do not want to cry tonight.

  "Um, because I wanted you to trust me again and I guess I thought if it came from me, I would never know if you did."

  I crease my brow. Not fully understanding.

  "If I kept pursuing you, how would I know if you weren't just here to keep me off your back?"

  "So this wait, it was to get me to ask you out for dinner?" I ask, trying not to sound irritated for appearance sake.

  "Yeah, but not as a game. I just wanted us both to be sure when the time came, that it was mutual. I didn't want to push you too hard and now I know I haven't, because this was your idea." He smiles, picking up his wine glass again. I stare at him, unsure of how I feel about this. He looks up and reads my expression correctly. “Honestly Liv, it wasn't a game, I just wanted you to want it as much as I did."

  A few simple words, but their effect on me is immense. He wanted me to want it as much as he did. A warm feeling floods through me, I think it's a relief and I feel it in every cell of my body. That, after all, is all I’ve ever wanted from him and now it looks like I have it, just like that. I laugh.

  "What?" he asks.

  "I think that's what I was doing in a roundabout sort of way." Although if I'm honest with myself, it sounds like his intentions were less selfish, he wanted me to feel secure, I just wanted him to make me feel good about myself. Right then I realise what a selfish bitch I’ve been. I could have helped repair this a lot sooner instead of sitting back waiting for some sort of fantasy grand gesture.

  "Waiting for me to make the first move?" he asks.

  I nod.

  "Well we
're here now." He smiles graciously.

  "So what happens next?" I ask.

  "I think we need to talk about the future."

  I watch him as I sip my wine, hoping he will have something to say, because I don’t know where to begin.

  "Okay, I'll start." He smiles. "Where do we stand on the whole trust issue?" He asks knowing the answer.

  "Well I asked you to dinner of my own accord didn't I?" I reply with a wry smile, taking another sip, but keeping my eyes on his.

  He lets out a small laugh. "Yes, you did." He leans forward and rests his arms on the table. "But I'd like to hear you say it," he says and takes a sip from his oversized wine glass.

  I laugh again. But I remember Connie's words. I lean forward too, holding his stare. "I trust you," I tell him with a smile.

  I watch him closely as he experiences the same feeling of relief I just did.

  “So what now?” I ask. Hoping he will know where we go from here.

  He laughs out loud. “I don’t know!” He says as he holds his hands up.

  I laugh too, but it isn’t so funny.

  “Hey, come on,” he says, seeing my face fall. “We can get past this, can’t we?” He takes my hand across the table.

  I watch his thumb graze my knuckles and I look up into his eyes. I love this man. So why can’t I let go?

  “We have to talk about that night,” he says quietly.

  “No, no! I believe you. We don’t have to go through it all again.” I don’t want to think about it, let alone go through it in this lovely restaurant.

  “Liv, whatever doubts you have are related to that night, if we can put them to rest, we can go back to how we were. Please. I’ve told you what happened to me, tell me what happened to you. It’s like I only know half of the story. It will help us I promise.” He looks so hopeful.

  I try to take a deep breath to steel myself, but even that is shaky. I nod and sip my wine, for courage. “Okay.”

  “Why did you come back to the apartment?” he asks, to start things off.

  I pause. “Erm, because I realised that I was punishing you for lying to me.” I sigh.

  He smiles. “I thought you were.”

  “I was talking it all over with Grace and I just suddenly realised how much I loved you. I didn’t want to go to the party with all this bad feeling hanging over us. I just wanted to be with you.” I think about what awaited me when I did. “I borrowed Grace’s car and…” I swallow hard.

  “So you came over? What did you see?” I know he has nothing to hide, I’m just not sure why we are reliving this.

  “I hurried up to the front door. I was so anxious to see you and then I saw her.”

  “Did you go in?”

  I shake my head. “The curtains were open a bit. I saw her standing there taking off her clothes. She was in her underwear.” I look down at my fingers.

  “I guess I was still in the shower,” he says, shaking his head in disgust. “She was lying on the bed when I found her.”

  “She was smiling, I thought she was smiling at you. It killed me.” I whisper as I bite back tears.

  ‘God, I’m so sorry.” He clutches my hand.

  “It’s okay,” I say, trying to shake it off. If he is too nice I’m really going to cry.

  “Why didn’t you come in? You should have kicked her ass.”

  “I was too hurt.” I admit. “I just ran away.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “To that lookout point up by Jen and Scott’s.” I look at him. “I threw up.” I add, with a small laugh.

  “You threw up?”

  I nod. “Twice.” I shake my head at the recollection. “Once there and once at your place.”

  “Really?” He looks pained.

  “Yeah. I guess I don’t take heartbreak well.”

  “So what happened after that?”

  “I sat in the car for a while not knowing what to do. Then I decided I had to get home. I didn’t want to see anyone but Max. So I drove back to your place and waited until Jen and Scott came to get you. Once you had gone, I went in and got my stuff.” I wince at his expression of shock.

  “Shit. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

  “I couldn’t, Danny. I was devastated. I watched you leave and it was like…” I gulp and just about manage to stop the tears brimming out of my eyes. I have to look at the ceiling to blink them back. One escapes but I catch it with my finger and then I’m okay again. “It was the worst experience of my life. I watched you get in their car, honestly believing I would never see you again.” I sniff.

  “I can’t believe you were there,” he says quietly.

  “I went in, once I was sure you had gone, grabbed all my stuff and left.”

  “Just like that?” he asks as if it was the easiest decision of my life.

  “No, not just like that. I was sobbing. I threw up in your bathroom. It was awful…” Then as I’m explaining it to him, it dawns on me. The jewellery bag. I hadn’t thought about it for a while, but it was the kick in the teeth that let me know how little I meant to him and when I mentioned it to him before, he completely ignored it.

  “What?” he asks with concern, seeing my expression change.

  “There was a jewellery bag in the kitchen. It was empty” I say slowly.

  Danny nods.

  “That really twisted the knife, Danny. Did you give it to her?”

  “It was for you.” He frowns, hurt that I would think otherwise. “I had it with me.”

  I look at him; he’s looking so intense. But it’s the truth, with him I can always tell face to face. I feel that relief again, but this time it feels whole. I think that jewellery bag was the thing that was holding me back. Even once I believed what he told me about what happened with her, I think I still thought he gave the contents of that bag to her. “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping it will be enough.

  Just then our waiter brings over our starter, a big board of antipasti to share. My stomach contracts, I don’t know how I’m going to force anything down with this conversation happening. We watch each other in tense silence as the waiter rearranges the table to accommodate the dish and refreshes our wine glasses.

  “I still have it you know,” Danny says once we are alone again. “The jewellery I bought you.” He smiles. “I might save it for your birthday. It’s only a few weeks away and it’s the big 3-0!”

  I smile back, but sigh. “I feel like I don’t deserve it now. I should have trusted you.”

  “God, no. After what I did and then what you saw, you did what anyone would have done. Please stop beating yourself up.” He reaches across to squeeze my hand. Then he looks at the table. “We should eat this food.”

  “I know,” I say taking a deep breath. A couple of sips of wine help me and we start to eat. It isn’t as difficult as I thought and the food is delicious. We make a good job of the starter and make some small talk. Fortunately the restaurant is busy, so the buzz fills the silences and it’s a while before our main courses arrive.

  In the interval between courses, Danny picks up our conversation. “So do you feel any better now that we’ve talked about it in more detail?”

  “Yes, I suppose I do.” I smile. I feel a lot better.

  “Do you want to talk about it anymore?”

  “No, not really.”

  “So can we talk about the future now?” he asks with a tentative smile.

  “I guess so.” I smile. “You can start by telling me what your plans are,” I say, regaining some of my confidence.

  “What plans?”

  “Well you jumped on a plane because I hurt myself and you’re still in limbo at Max’s a month later. How long are you planning to stay?”

  He shakes his head. “Liv, I’ve moved here,” he says simply.

  I blink at him. “Even though we broke up?”

  “I planned to come here to be with you, that’s what I’ve done.” He shrugs.

  “Oh. So do you need to go back and get all of your stuff?”


  “Nope, it arrived on Monday.”

  “You shipped it? Where is it?”

  “In storage.”

  I look at him in disbelief. “So you aren’t going back?”

  “I hope not.” He laughs. “My stuff is here, the apartment has gone, the truck is sold, Dad took my furniture and I cancelled my credit cards and cell. I think I’m better off here, don’t you?”

  “What if I didn’t…what if we never got back together?” I stutter.

  “I needed you to see how serious I was about us. It was a risk worth taking.”

  I breathe deeply as my heart does a backflip. I’m such an idiot. We are interrupted by our main course. Gah! Food again!

  When we are once again alone, I continue. "So this is it? Are we starting again?" I’m a bag of nerves.

  "I don't think we can start again, do you?" he says. "We've wasted too much time already."

  "So we just pick up where we left off?" I gulp.

  "Too scary?"

  "A bit. Don't you think?"

  "I don't think it is. Look at it this way, if LA never happened, we would be together, right? So really it's just a question of whether you can forget what happened in LA and simply be with me like we were." He holds my gaze. "You're on my mind 24/7 and I see you watching me, it's all still there, so it just comes down to this…Can we put LA behind us?"

  I’ve been watching him and thinking about him too. I would love to erase the memories from my head, they have haunted me. But now I know the facts there is no point in going over it all ever again. I don't know what I'm afraid of. We have certainly been here before and despite all that has happened, I know a future without him is going to be harder than anything that comes at us when we are together.

  “You told me once that you were afraid I would turn out to be just human and that I would hurt you. I told you then that I am just human and that I could be hurt just as easily. Well I’m still human…I’m still me and I know we could still destroy each other. But I don’t care, because a life without you isn’t worth living…I dare you." He whispers, with a cheeky tone. "Let me back in, you won’t regret it."

  I grin, he has such a way of making me believe. "Okay," I say quietly.