Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

  This is going badly, I was so looking forward to dinner and a nice snuggle on the sofa, and now I’ve cocked it all up and made him feel awful. I sigh heavily. What a disaster.

  Danny starts to laugh. I look up at him in shock.

  “Sorry,” he says covering his mouth with his hand. “It’s not funny, but we are such a disaster!” He laughs harder.

  Even though I don’t really get it, I can’t help laughing too.

  “I thought we were getting better at this, but we still both think the worst all the time. It’s funny.”

  I laugh more once I understand.

  “Just to be clear. I want you better, I NEED you better. I want to get on with our life and I want you to be one hundred percent to do that.” He takes my hand again, trying to look sincere as his laughter subsides.

  I erupt now, I can’t help it. He looks at me confused. “Well then I should tell you that I haven’t needed my crutches for a week, in fact today I forgot to take one to work with me!” I laugh, hysterically now. “I didn’t want to upset you, I hoped you wouldn’t notice!”

  Danny puts his face in his hands. “Oh my God! Look at us!” he mumbles from inside his hands, shaking his head.

  “I know.” I giggle. “I’m really sorry.” I try to peel his fingers away from his face, but he holds firm.

  “Why do we do this?” he says, finally looking at me.

  “Do what exactly?”

  “Assume the worst of each other.” He sighs, trying to pull himself together, so I do the same. “Old habits die hard I guess.”

  I nod in agreement. It really is ridiculous, we need to stop this kind of thing from snowballing back into what we had before…doubt and insecurity. “Okay, I’m stopping as of now,” I say decisively, then I tap him on the arm. “Hey, Danny,” I say in an over-enthusiastic tone. “I don’t really need my crutches anymore. I really feel like I’m getting better.”

  Danny sees what I’m doing and plays along. “Baby, that’s fantastic, I’m so glad because now we can really get on with our future!” He grins stupidly. “We can still take showers together though can’t we? I enjoy that.”

  “Of course we can, it’s the best part of my day, I wouldn’t change it for anything,” I reply brightly. Then we both dissolve into fits of giggles. Danny leaps up and picks me up with him, twirling me around. Then, as he lowers me back to the ground, he tucks some hair behind my ear and leans in to kiss me. I sigh as my lips part and his tongue meets mine. The feeling behind the kiss is almost heartbreaking. No matter how much we love each other, doubt always gets the better of us. All because we were so young we couldn’t express ourselves properly and it left us both so affected that even now, after everything we have been through, it still creeps in.

  “We were too young,” I think out loud. Danny, looks confused again.

  “It wasn’t our fault that we found each other so young and the fact that we were ‘meant to be’ just made it worse I think. We couldn’t stop what happened to us because we weren’t ready or able to really express how we felt about each other. Then that screwed us up so badly we weren’t fit for anyone else and we certainly couldn’t cope with each other again…It’s a wonder we are so well balanced now!” I laugh and so does Danny, seeing the funny side.

  “What did I ever do to deserve you?” He smiles, taking my face in his hands, his eyes burn into mine.

  “I could say the same.” I smile.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Liv

  I just don’t feel worthy.

  I carefully carry the coffees into the garden, trying not to spill any into the saucers. I may have the use of both hands back, but I’m still stiff and have a slight limp, which makes transferring hot liquids a bit dicey at times. I walk up behind Danny, working at his laptop in the sunshine. Leaning around him, I place his coffee on the table and he looks up in surprise, then down to my hands. He’s still surprised to see me walking unaided, he raises his eyebrows approvingly.

  “Impressed?” I ask, doing a slight curtsey.

  “You never stop impressing me.” He pulls my face down to his and kisses me softly.

  “Well at least I’ll start being a little more useful round here, even if it’s just one drink at a time.” I joke, perching on the arm of his chair. “What are you working on?”

  “I’m just playing around with something,” he says, sounding cagey.

  “What?” I ask peering at the screen.

  “A new website for this place.” He shrugs. “Yours is up for renewal and I don’t think it’s working all that well.”

  “We have an internet guy. You don’t have to do that.”

  “Hi!” he says sarcastically, offering his hand for me to shake. “Internet guy! Nice to meet you.”

  “You know what I mean.” I slap his hand away. “You don’t have to do this, we pay someone to do it.”

  “Well I’m free and, frankly, I’m better.” He smirks.

  I raise my eyebrows. "Modest too!" I tease. But I love him for it. I know I used to have control issues, but I’m growing used to him calling some of the shots and I don’t even mind. I no longer feel compelled to resist his help. “Thank you," I say, leaning over to kiss him and relish his confusion, he was expecting to have to fight his corner.

  His look of satisfaction is rewarding for me. I’ve tried to take on board what he said to me after my last surgery. I was ridiculously over independent and I know how deep my need for control runs. It’s a defence mechanism, a result of feeling the way I did when my dad rocked the boat in our lives so badly we were all seasick for years. I’ve tried not to depend on anyone since. Maybe Danny has always been the exception to that and, of course, Max. Although even with them I can still be a nightmare.

  If Danny wants to build a new website for us, I won’t stop him. I love that he wants to be involved. I shift off the arm of Danny’s chair and take the one beside him, sipping my coffee.

  “So where are we going?” I ask him, still intrigued about why he wanted me to keep this morning free and why he is radiating nervous tension that I’m obviously not supposed to notice.

  “Bath shopping!” he says with a beaming smile.

  I want to tell him that he can pick a bath without me, that I trust him and to me a bath is just a bath, but I can’t because he looks so hopefully enthusiastic. Instead I smile back at him and get myself in a bath picking kind of place.

  When Danny parks the car on Max’s road, I’m baffled. But Danny looks so excited I try not to let my control freak streak get the better of me. He’s practically giddy when he takes my hand and leads me to the opposite side of the road to a house I don’t know. I frown, but he just grins. A man who seems to know Danny meets us and opens the front door and we step quietly into an empty house. I open my mouth to say something, but Danny stops me, leading me instead up the stairs, in fact we go up two flights into the loft space. It’s a huge empty bedroom, within the eaves, but it’s honestly so big up here you don't notice. Danny opens a door and takes me into an adjoining room.

  We are standing in the swankiest bathroom I’ve ever been in. It puts Max’s to shame and that is saying something. Danny looks terrified suddenly.

  “What do you think of this bath?” he asks quietly.

  “Um, I like it, but I’m not sure why you have bought me to…” I glance around as though the walls have ears and lower my voice, “…someone’s house, to see it. Couldn’t we just go to B&Q, like everyone else?”

  Danny eyes me intently and almost smiles, but the nervous tension he was radiating earlier seems to have reached fever pitch. “I was wondering what you thought of the house?” he virtually whispers.

  I blink at him.

  “I’d like to buy it,” he says clearing his throat. “For us.”

  I suddenly need to sit, so I perch lightly on the edge of this bath we are here to see. Danny crouches down so that he can look at my face and we stare at each other silently for a moment.

  I muster the power of
speech. “We haven’t talked about this.”

  “I know,” he says. “But I’ve been thinking about it. Do you hate it?”

  “No,” I say, glancing around at the glossy finishes everywhere. “It’s amazing.”

  “Charlie told me about it, he knows the guy who has renovated it.” He nods his head towards the door, he must mean the man downstairs. “It isn’t on the market yet.” He pauses. “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

  I blow out a long breath.

  “We need to talk about it I know, but the guy wants to put it on the market on Monday, so I wanted to show you, because if you want it, we can stop him.”

  I open my mouth to speak but words fail me.

  "You don't have to answer right now, but I wanted to show you at least."

  “Can we afford it?” This is all I can think right now, even though there are about fifty other questions forming a line in my head.

  “Yes.”

  “But…”

  “Questions later. Will you just look around it with me? Give it a chance? Then we will go home and talk it all through.” He smiles so sweetly there is no way I could say no, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. This house is amazing and Danny has just offered to buy it…for us!

  “Okay,” I say meekly.

  “Great!” he says, jumping up. He lifts me to my feet and turns me around. “This is the bathroom,” he says gleefully, “it has a bath AND a shower.”

  I take in the room. It’s roughly the size of my bedroom. Every surface is covered in highly polished cream tile and when I say tile, I mean slab. The walk-in shower could house three of mine and the twin rainfall shower heads look like they pack a punch. Twin sinks line one wall and the spectacular bath looks plenty big enough for two. This is an indulgent bathroom and I hope we can buy this house because I don't think I would ever be satisfied with another bathroom again now that I’ve seen this.

  Danny leads me out of the sparkly paradise and stands me in the centre of the huge bedroom.

  "This is the master bedroom." He grins. "And this," he says opening the other door, "is the closet!" I step dumbfounded into the next room which has been professionally fitted out as a walk-in wardrobe. I absentmindedly open a cupboard door and the interior automatically lights up. I'm utterly speechless.

  "What do you think?" he asks.

  "I think I'm dreaming," I reply, trying to ignore the rising feeling of what seems like panic. This place is overwhelming. But I wouldn’t be able to keep it looking like this.

  Before I know it I’ve seen three more spacious bedrooms, two with small en suite bathrooms and a similarly equipped bathroom on the lower level. The quality of everything is insane. All the bedrooms have handmade, fitted wardrobes; every door is solid oak, as are the frames, skirting boards and banisters.

  Downstairs the entrance hall is tiled like the high-gloss bathroom, but the floor becomes oak (which I’ve no doubt has underfloor heating) as we enter the immense open-plan living area. A huge open lounge area runs the length of the house and at the back a high-ceilinged, single storey extension houses the swanky kitchen. High-gloss everything, as you would expect and everything in trendy shades of nothing in particular. The kind of colours that you know are vastly superior to magnolia in every way, but equally un-intrusive. I feel very unsophisticated standing here in my work clothes, this is a house you need to dress up for. Now I start to panic. It's too good for me.

  A study, a downstairs loo and a utility room later, I’m starting to hyperventilate. Danny whisks me around the garden and we thank the man. Danny promises to call him tomorrow. Then we're back in the car. I breathe a sigh of relief to be back in the familiar territory of Danny’s car, but then I look around. This car would look the part on that driveway. More and more I’m feeling like I don’t belong in Danny’s vision of our life.

  I don’t care that it’s still approaching noon, I mix two rum and Cokes and plonk myself on a seat in the garden. I lean my head against the back of the chair and close my eyes, sighing with relief to be back in the safety of my world. I don’t know why I feel so freaked out, the house was lovely, amazing really. I was just a bit blindsided and then I started to feel unworthy. I know that’s ridiculous and when I’ve calmed down I’ll wish I could have focused on the house a bit more. For now I just breathe. I don’t know what Danny is doing in the bar, but a couple of minutes to clear my head is just what I need, maybe he realises that.

  The chair beside me scrapes on the ground and Danny sits silently beside me. I keep my eyes closed for a minute just enjoying shutting everything out. I know he will think I’m about to say something awful, it’s what we do, we think the worst. I know we're both trying really hard not to, but I don’t blame him after how I’ve reacted, I expect he thought it would go differently. My breathing has levelled out, so steeling myself, I lift my head and open my eyes.

  Danny has his elbows on the table and his hands clasped round the back of his head. His forehead is almost resting on the table surface. I clear my throat and his head snaps up, concern in his eyes.

  “I'm sorry, I freaked you out,” he says straight away in barely more than a whisper.

  I close my eyes and laugh. “You didn’t freak me out,” I assure him. “I kind of freaked myself out.”

  “How?” he asks nervously.

  “Oh I don’t know.” I sigh, taking a long drink of my rum. “I’m such an idiot. I was just shocked by the whole thing really. It was the last thing I was expecting. Even when we were stood in the bathroom, I still didn’t expect you to say you wanted to buy the house.” I shake my head. It was obvious really, now that I think about it, I should have twigged on the driveway.

  “It’s too much, I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it first. You like your independence, I shouldn’t assume that we're just automatically going to buy a house together.”

  “No, that’s not it at all. I love the idea, honestly, it just took me by surprise. Then we were in that walk-in wardrobe and I felt like a fraud. I mean imagine opening those self-lit doors and finding twenty-five of these,” I say tugging at my staff shirt. “I mean come on, that place is way out of my league.”

  “I told you, we can afford it.”

  “It’s not about the money, Danny, I just don’t feel worthy.”

  “Worthy? Are you kidding me?”

  “No! I can just picture my crap scattered all over that beautiful bedroom. A cracked floor tile in the bathroom where I dropped my deodorant and my makeup smeared around the sink. I can just see the burn on the kitchen counter where I accidentally out a pan down straight on the work surface without thinking…and the dust, Danny! I’m no housewife. I’m not worthy of it because I would drag it down just by being there! I would feel like a great, lumbering oaf!” I laugh, looking at my outstretched arm. “Do you think the person who designed that bathroom imagined the bathing beauty who would use it would be covered in these?” I ask, holding out my tattooed skin.

  Danny smirks and shakes his head. “Are you finished?”

  I shrug.

  “A house is for living in, for us…just the way we are. You are more than worthy of it, you don’t see how it would suit you. You would bring the colour it needs so badly.” He says kissing a star on my wrist. “I was excited because I saw it on my own yesterday and I could really see us there. Liv, you have no idea, the sound system is all wired in and there is a projector. Imagine watching a movie on the sofa with me. It will be amazing. I’ll get you a cleaner if that’s all you’re worried about. I had one in LA, I’m no housewife either, trust me. Max has one, we’ll use her.”

  “Max has a cleaner?” I blurt.

  Danny laughs. “Okay, um, I was supposed to keep that to myself!” He looks sheepish.

  I sip my drink and think about the house again. It was beautiful, perfect really. As bad as I would feel for the house, it would be amazing to live there. A cleaner would help but…this brings me back to my first question. “How could we afford it?” I ask. �
��Do we need such a big place? Shouldn’t we stay here and save some money first? I hardly have any savings, I put it all into here.” Panic begins to rise again.

  “Let’s start again shall we?” Danny says, taking my hand and sitting straighter. “I shouldn’t have started this with the punch line, I’m way too impulsive, sorry.” He smiles his shy smile, so I try, really try, to relax my nerves and hear him out.

  “I was thinking, maybe we could buy a house together, what do you think?” he says, carefully.

  I nod slowly. “Okay, it might be worth some consideration.” I smile, playing the game… “What did you have in mind?”

  “Well I’ve seen a place on Max’s street. It has been completely renovated. It’s crazy cool and I really love it,” he replies, his boyish grin returns as he pictures the house.

  “Sounds expensive, how would we afford it? I’ve been putting all my money into this place and although we could probably get a mortgage, do we really want such high living expenses when we have virtually none right now?”

  He positively beams. “Okay, well…I know how independent you are, but please hear me out.” I tense, because I can guess what’s coming. “I’ve been saving for a really long time. I’m an only child and my parents aren’t short of a buck so I had no debts from school. I had a cheap apartment and simple lifestyle. My job pays well and while I’ve slowed down a little and just pick up a few big jobs a year now, I worked my ass off in the beginning. It has been kind of easy to put money away.” He shifts in his seat. “And I sold the Shelby,” he murmurs. I almost miss it. Then he adds, “and you wouldn’t believe for how much.”

  I blink. “You sold the…Danny, you loved that car!”

  “I love you more.”

  “But…”

  “But nothing. I wasn’t going to ship her and I’m not going back. Anyway, it turns out she was a great investment. I had my fun and now I have a nice pay out. Win, win. I have enough saved that we would only need a small mortgage to afford it, it would be manageable.” He squeezes my hand. “That was until I talked to my dad last night.”