I Love My Side of the Story

by Sabrina Lacey

  I cry out, “Jess said it!”

  Nicole takes a nice long annoyingly gross drag, cocks her gorgeous head to the side, and says pointedly, “And don’t think I didn’t notice you calling me ‘Ni-cole’ like when a mom says your whole name because she’s pissed.”

  Jess explodes into a huge contagious Jess-laugh. Not to be undone I shoot back, “Another way to get your dopamine levels up is to have sex, NICOLE.”

  Nicole takes another drag and walks her long legs over the balcony where she looks over. She turns and demurs, “I have plenty of sex. Sex…is not my problem.”

  “She does have plenty of sex,” Jess agrees, nodding beside her.

  As they wait for my inevitable rebuttal, I realize… this is my moment.

  “But maybe what you need is sex with someone you…” I look down to my taupe-colored flats for a dramatic pause before I squeak, “…love?”

  “Did you tell Josh you love him!?” Jess yells.

  “Shh!!!” I whip around to look inside …and it appears no one heard her.

  Nicole’s eyes go soft. The fight is over just like that. “Oh wow Amber – that’s so great!” She tosses her cigarette off the balcony to come give me a hug.

  “What if that lands on someone’s head?” Her embrace shuts me up. Jess comes in to make it a group hug. Me and my girls. So glad they’re here to share this with me when it happened. When we separate, we all break into a happy dance.

  “Well, of course sex with someone I love is the goal, Amber. I just haven’t found him yet,” Nicole admits.

  Jess demands again. “I need to hear you say it!”

  I nod happily, dancing some more all by myself and sing, “I told him I love him.”

  Nicole prods, “Who said it first?”

  “Are you kidding me? He did! I would never say it first. Did you say it first to David?” I ask Jess, although I’m guiltily aware we’re leaving Nicole out, since she hasn’t been in a relationship for a long time… but that is not my fault.

  Jess balks, “No way! Do you think I’m crazy?”

  Nicole and I both answer, “YES.”

  Looking innocent but laughing on the inside, Jess blinks a few times for comedic emphasis. “What?!” This kind of honesty is earned, so what if it takes awhile to get here?

  “We were upstairs, and… he just kind of said it, out of nowhere.”

  Not born yesterday, is my Jess. “What were you doing upstairs?”

  Nicole didn’t catch on and says, “I haven’t been up there yet. I’m sure it’s fabulous.”

  “Marlena has excellent taste,” I agree, “Especially in closets.”

  Jess starts bouncing up and down. “Oh please, please PLEASE tell me you guys fucked in Marlena’s closet!”

  “What?!! Honey! I will throw these cigarettes away if you did. Now don’t lie to me. These are expensive, as we all know.” Nicole pulls the box out of her bag and holds it up.

  I cry out excitedly, “Well… start tossing!”

  Nicole’s eyes widen more than I have ever seen them. “You did NOT!”

  “I did!!!” I laugh, grabbing onto Jess’ hands as we bounce around together like total dufuses.

  Nicole sends the whole pack flying over her shoulder off the balcony where with the foot traffic in this city, it will most definitely land on some poor soul’s head nineteen flights down.

  I stop bouncing and plant my hands on my hips. “Nicole!”

  “Oh, I just gave someone a gift. And you used my whole name again. You better watch that stuff. It gives you away…MOM.”

  Jessica waves off the littering. “Seriously. She just made someone’s day, are you kidding me? Let it go.”

  “Like I just did,” Nicole jokes.

  “Exactly,” laughs Jess.

  “Ha. Ha. Not funny,” I say, though I’m only half-serious.

  “So I guess this means that three people have come out of Marlena’s closet,” Jess says and I smack her arm playfully several times as she feigns hurt and surprise.

  Reapplying lipstick with the help of her compact mirror, Nicole asks, “Is Josh man enough for you, honey?”

  “Of course he is. What do you mean?”

  “Well…” She puts the lid back on it as she slides it into her bag. “You’re tiny, but you’re all ambition and go-get-it-ness. Your man is going to have to be accomplished to get your respect.”

  Jess adds, “You run your own company.”

  “It’s just a casting office,” I argue.

  “Yeah, but you don’t work for anyone. They work for YOU. And you made that happen rapid-fire.”

  I turn to look at my new boyfriend through the glass door. He’s still talking to David. He looks over at me and smiles. He just told me he loves me and here I am wondering if he’s enough. I whip around and announce, “Josh is amazing. He totally keeps me interested. Yes, I never thought I’d date an actor and I know I’ve said that a million and one times, but Josh has never – not once – asked me to audition or made what I do any kind of a factor or a problem. And he feels like home, guys. I don’t know. Don’t talk badly about him, okay?”

  They nod, understanding and hopeful. Jess speaks up first, “He’s great.”

  We stand there together; staring at Josh who is unaware he’s being dissected. Why are we so hard on men? Beside me, Nicole admits, “He really does love you. You can see it when he looks at you. I do like him.”

  “Yeah?” I ask, needing encouragement.

  “Yes. I’m not just saying it. I want what you guys have. I was just playing devil’s advocate, because I know you,” Nicole answers.

  “Totally,” Jess smiles, reassuringly.

  “Well cut it out. I need you to think the best of him. Oh no! Is that bad?”

  They mumble no and take my hands on either side of me. The three us fall silent, lost in thoughts we don’t share as we watch Josh and David talking to each other. My fears fade away as it hits me – standing right over there is the man I love. And he loves me, too.

  “Let’s go inside.” I let go of their hands and walk in first with them following close behind.

  Behind me, Nicole says, “I think I’m going to quit smoking.”

  Jess scoffs. “My Aunt May always said that right after a cigarette when the nicotine was still jammin’ through her system.”

  I nod and add, “My dad used to do the same thing and then every time he picked up a cigarette afterward, I felt disappointed. It would have been better if he hadn’t said it? I don’t know. I guess he needed to try.”

  “We’ll see,” Nicole murmurs. “I’m going to see if Marlena will give me a tour. Of the closet.”

  “Ask her why she doesn’t own any color,” I throw back. She chuckles and leaves Jess and I, just as we’re about to join the guys.

  “Hey sexy,” David says to Jess as she snuggles up to him and rests her head on his shoulder with a smile. He wraps an arm tightly around her, his other hand holding a beer.

  Josh reaches out his hand to me and I greet him with a flirtatious “Hi,” a knowing look shared between us. My fingers entwine through his and I take my place beside him, barely listening to David talk about who-knows-what, as my heart swells with excitement of what’s to come.

  The first time you tell someone you love them is by far one of the best days in a relationship. Butterflies do pirouettes in your stomach. Passionate, courageous optimism fills your mind. Everything expands to make room for another person. The world looks less scary. Diseases are cured. World hunger is abolished. At least for a little while.

  A waiter walks around and David grabs another beer and hands it to Josh, but I look at it and ask, “You’re not having another one, are you honey?” He shrugs, hands it back to David and kisses me.

  Good boy.

  Two months later

  When I’d left working for someone else to start my own casting office, I’d leased this space – small and cozy – on a dream and a prayer. Jessica and Nicole helped me paint it in a natural
toned palette that includes camel, beige, and white, with some moss green accents throughout for a little color. I had wanted blue, and Jessica red, but Nicole had swayed us with descriptions of how much more comfortable these colors would be, and how they’d compliment everyone’s skin tones. We couldn’t argue with either point, especially since she’s a painter and we were inclined to trust her expertise… and bow down to her smooth determination.

  They’d brought bag lunches from one of the many delis in New York, so that we didn’t have to leave until it was done; no distractions. Jess, always the fashionista, had showed up first dressed as “the sexy painter,” with cut-off shorts, spaghetti-strapped white tank, red hair held back with the adorable yet cliché bandana, and brick red laceless Converse sneakers on her feet. She was dancing around until Nicole popped in, an actual painter, wearing authentically paint-splotched overalls, a super cute black halter and her hair curly and wild. One look and Jess had freaked out saying she looked amazing and we all had to have that ‘look.” They attacked Jessica’s wardrobe with paint and when they were done with Jess, they ganged up on me. It was a messy ton of fun. There are still places on the floor where evidence of our paint party exists; where we didn’t see splotches until they were too dry to clean. Frankly, I love these flaws more than the perfect walls around them; monuments to the day The Big Chill soundtrack played over and over and three best friends sang along, painting a new chapter into my life.

  Today, looking at the computer screen with my associate Annie, I purse my lips, unhappy with the image of Jake staring back at me. We’ve been combing through literally thousands of actors submitted for the tricky ‘best friend’ role in the new Spike Jonze movie I’m casting. This film is the biggest gig I’ve ever booked because of its status. I am a huge fan of Spike’s work. It is crucial I do a great job. What happens with this film could either lift my career to guarantee me working on more amazing films or it could dropkick me to limbo-mediocre-land obscurity. I cannot fuck this up. I will get blamed on some level, and definitely in the minds of other directors. It could take me years to clean up my reputation. But I feel confident in my instincts and abilities. And I know how to pray.

  Casting the ‘best friend’ role, now that we’ve got the lead secured is all a matter of chemistry combined with talent. It sucks so badly when movies have leads who don’t gel and aren’t believable. I won’t let that happen here. I’m looking for chemistry like Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman, Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Turner and Hooch. I’m being silly on that last one, but… seriously.

  “I don’t think Jake’s right for the part. He plays a really great ‘bad guy,’ which is fantastic for the switch when Ryan’s beaten down, but I’m not so sure I can sell Jake as the ‘innocent guy’ Ryan is, up until that point. He’s not innocent – at all. We used to… date.”

  “You used to date Jake Lombardi?” Annie asks me, her jaw meeting the desk.

  “Pick your jaw up Annie. It’s not that unbelievable!”

  “I didn’t mean THAT. I meant – oh my God!!! You’re so lucky!!!”

  “Yeah well, like I was saying, Jake’s just got that ‘bad boy’ thing going on. Like if he got you in an alley, screaming wouldn’t help you...nor would you want to scream.”

  Annie busts up. We both know I’m right. She’s been my associate for over a year now and we’re like rice and beans. We just fit. “What was it like?”

  “Well, look at him. What you think it would be like, it was like.” I grin and stand up straighter, looking out the window. I’ve got on a grey skirt that hits my mid-thigh and a pink blouse I picked up at H&M with Nicole the other day, when Jess and David had a museum-day.

  “Amber! C’mon. Give me one detail.” Annie pouts.

  Smiling shyly I turn to her. “Let me off the hook on this one?”

  “No. No way.”

  “Oh, alright. It feels weird to talk about other guys now that I’m with Josh, but what’s the harm?” I sit on the edge of the desk in front of her eager face. “I met Jake at a seminar for actors – I was on the panel, talking about the business. Afterward, he introduced himself and it was like sparks went off when our hands touched for the handshake. He gave me this look and I knew exactly what was about to happen. They say you know in twenty seconds if you want to sleep with a guy. With Jake, it took minus three. You laugh, but I am sooooo not joking. It was insane! We got out of there. I suspended briefly my no-actors rule because I knew there was no way we were going to date.”

  “Why not?” she asks wide-eyed.

  “Jake’s not the dating type. Jake’s the kind you set free so that other women can enjoy him. Because Annie, if your heart gets involved, it will be smashed.”

  “Oh…”

  “I did, however, spend thirteen out of fourteen days in his bed!”

  “Shut up!!”

  “I did. It’s true. We had food sent over and all I kept thinking was thank God I don’t have a pet, because I’m not going anywhere and it would starve. He’s such an amazing lover. But as soon as I felt the attachment thing start to happen inside of me like it does with us girls… and heard him text someone while he thought I was asleep, I was like no no no. Out of there. He’s good for the bed and bad for the head.” I roll my eyes back and close them from the memory, biting my lip. “But oh so good for the bed!” I grin, peeking out at her as she starts squealing.

  “So jealous so jealous so jealous!!!”

  I laugh and look at his picture on the computer again, and sigh, “Yep, so when I say I don’t think he can play innocent…”

  “But wouldn’t you like to see if he can?” she asks.

  Surveying his dark, brooding, devil-may-care-more-than-me face, I have to admit that I don’t think he can pull it off, but his career has been taking off and if he can, he just might be perfect for the role, and have enough status to be a contender. But only if he can show us his good-guy side. I shrug, “That would take some real acting on his part. Let’s see if he can do it.”

  “Yay!!! I get to meet Jake Lombardi! Wait. Is it going to be okay to have him come in?” She looks worried.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, the kind of chemistry you guys have…”

  “Oh! No. It’ll be fine. I can handle it. He has no pull on me anymore. Been there, done that. Boom. Immunity.”

  Annie doesn’t seem convinced but excitedly marks him down for an audition anyway. Looking at Annie typing I think, why can’t my boyfriend have her kind of ambition? He’s so laid back and believes that it will ‘just happen.’ Things don’t just happen. You have to work for them. Annie knocked on my door and said she’d prove herself, which she has more than done. Her work ethic is tremendous. She’s easy to be around, not that Josh isn’t. But Annie thinks of problems before they come up and solves them. I rely on her now. Josh isn’t a business-minded person. He’s an artist and they have a hard time with more tactical things, sometimes. I don’t know. I don’t even know if he has ambition when it comes to us.

  Annie looks up and says, “All set. Have you thought about having Josh audition?”

  “My Josh?”

  “Yeah. He seems like a total ‘Ryan.’”

  “No way, Annie. The chances of him getting it are slim to none and then he’d blame me if he didn’t. Can you imagine? No way.” I’m shaking my head probably more than is necessary.

  She nods, looks back at the computer. I stand up off her desk; uncomfortable by both the positions I’m in. The door opens and she and I both turn to see Josh walking in.

  “Oh Josh, you scared me!” Annie gasps, laughing and making my heart fall back to its rightful space. We weren’t expecting anyone and while this is a safe building, you never know.

  “Hey Annie, sorry. Hey you,” he says to me with a sexy smile.

  “Hey,” I walk to him and give him a peck on the lips.

  Annie stands, gathers her bag. “Hi! No biggie. I scare easily. Okay then, heading home – see you
at 8 a.m. Amber?”

  “Sounds good. Thanks for being awesome.”

  “Me? Look at you?”

  As she passes him she throws me a look that she’s thinking what I’m thinking; if he’d come in seconds earlier he would’ve heard me talking about not calling him in to audition. I give her a slight nod and she bounces out, mouthing the word, phew.

  “See ya Annie!” he calls, turns and closes the door behind her to lock it.

  “Hey you. Surprise.”

  “Yeah. Remember I have to work late tonight?” I force a smile. I can’t help but admit that he looks very sexy as he oversteps all of my personal boundaries. I mean, if he’s going to show up unannounced, wearing those sexy dark jeans is the way to do it. Not to mention that green button-up shirt that matches his eyes. I sneak a peek at how it’s pulled tightly across his chest and sigh inwardly. I turn and walk back to my office and call back, even though I know he’s right behind me, “Yeah, so how was your day? What brings you over here tonight?” I sit behind my desk and pick up random papers in an effort to show how busy I am. I wish I were more bravely confrontational like Nicole. She would tell Josh great to see you, but not tonight. I however am opting for the more passive-aggressive route. “Wow…” I say quietly, like these papers are weighing on me.

  Walking by and scoping out the bookshelves on my south wall, Josh admires, “I love how you’ve got a biography of The Group Theater, Sharon Bialy’s How To Audition on Camera, and Michael Caine’s On Acting… and next to them, The Secret Life of Bees, Tuesdays with Morrie and I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.”

  I smile. Nice observation, one that few catch. “I keep it mostly business, but some novels are sprinkled in for heart-supporting eye-candy… for the longer nights.”

  “Which there are a lot of...” he says, perking my ears. He turns and smiles, though so I dismiss my instincts. “Thought you might need to eat.”

  Surprised I ask, “Oh did you bring me something to eat?”

  “I did.” He reaches down to his zipper with a hilarious look on his face and starts to reveal what he hopes will be my dinner.