Allergic to Birthday Parties, Science Projects, and Other Man-made Catastrophes

by Lenore Look

  “Is that one of your dad’s curses?” asked Sam.

  “Waaaaaaaaaaah!” I cried. “Waaaaaaaaah!”

  Crying is really great. If you’re about to lose it all, you should cry.

  “I think I have to be somewhere else,” I said at last.

  “Where?” asked Sam.

  “At that girl’s party?” asked Eli.

  I nodded.

  Eyes shifted.

  Legs shifted.

  “You’re weird,” said Pinky.

  I felt weird. The more I thought about going to Hobson’s party, the stranger I felt. And the more I thought about going to Flea’s party, the happier I felt.

  I knew what was the right thing to do. My dad was right. No one had to tell me.

  But I was not dressed for sipping tea. I was dressed to kill.

  Worse, I was wearing Flea’s present!

  There was only one thing to do. I unwrapped the present I had under my arm.

  “Deluxe Indian Princess,” it said on the box. But you could see through the plastic windows that it was not the Deluxe Indian Princess, so I dumped it out.

  Then I took off the Deluxe Indian Princess outfit and the deluxe baby carrier that was now a deluxe ammunition carrier, and put them back in the box.

  Then I rewrapped the box as best as I could.

  It looked like origami gone bad.

  “Are you going half-naked?” asked Scooter.

  Oops.

  A man can be half-naked when he’s on the beach.

  A man can be half-naked when he’s digging holes.

  But a man can’t be half-naked going to a party. Everyone knows that.

  So I picked up what I had dumped from the box—it was going to be Hobson’s present, he would have liked it—and I pulled it over my head.

  A man’s gotta wear what a man’s gotta wear.

  And a man doesn’t talk about what he wears. He just wears it.

  I twirled one sleeve of the straitjacket around the box under my arm, and tied the other sleeve to my BPDK. Then I marched … right out of Mildred Circle and straight to Flea’s house.

  Going to a girls’ party was extremely scary.

  “Hi, Alvin,” said Flea at the door. She looked very surprised to see me.

  “Hello, My Name Is Alvin,” said my name tag.

  Silence.

  I’d gotten lots of advice about what to do next, but I couldn’t remember any of it, not one word.

  Fortunately, it was okay. Flea didn’t ask for any more R.S.V.P.s, she just asked me to come in.

  There was a piñata.

  There was pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

  There were finger sandwiches (without any fingers).

  There were scones.

  And lots of cups of punch.

  There were girls. Lots and lots of girls.

  And Calvin was right.

  I was the only boy.

  Poor me.

  But actually, it wasn’t that bad.

  “This is Alvin,” said Flea, introducing me to her friends who didn’t go to our school. “He’s an Indian chief. He was nearly struck dead by lightning this week.”

  There were gasps.

  “He came this close to being split wide open,” said Flea. “If it hadn’t been for the tree in his yard that took the hit.”

  Jaws dropped.

  “He’s also a world-record setter,” said Flea. “He can eat five M&M’s in a minute with chopsticks!”

  There were oohs and aahs.

  “He can also do deep knee bends and slice apples in midair with a samurai sword, almost,” Flea added.

  “What’s that he’s wearing?” asked a girl whose name sticker said “Bunny.”

  She looked like a little bunny too. Her nose was tiny and pink.

  “It’s a straitjacket,” said Flea. “Alvin is a member of the Houdini Society of Do-It-Yourself Escape People. You can tie him up and put him in a box and he’ll escape,” she bragged. “Maybe he’ll show us.”

  The girls giggled.

  Lucky for me, Flea didn’t have a box big enough.

  But unlucky for me, there I was, in front of a bunch of girls waiting for me to escape from my straitjacket.

  A hush filled the house.

  All eyes were on me.

  I wiggled this way.

  Then I wiggled that way.

  I tried to remember how Houdini did it in his video. It didn’t take him long … it was all going to be over in a minute …

  Then I exploded.

  Like a bomb.

  Oops.

  Then I exploded again.

  It was the ice cream.

  And it was not a very gentlemanly thing to do.

  “Euuuwwwww!” screamed Flea.

  “Grosssss!” screamed the girls.

  Pa—pa—pa—pa—pa—pa! I sounded like a machine gun.

  Cupcake flew out of my mouth.

  Sssssssssssssssssssssss! It sounded like a slow leak from a balloon.

  I couldn’t help it.

  I don’t need to tell you how quickly I went home after that.

  I didn’t even stay for the chicken dance.

  It was gas propulsion all the way home.

  I was a cannonball that shot across Concord and landed on Calvin when I burst in the door.

  My dad was all dressed up and about to have a QRDO with my mom, and my mom looked as beautiful as the Milky Way.

  Boooom! I exploded.

  “Alvin,” said my dad, waving away the smell, “you’re going to have to learn to eat ice cream only when you’re safe at home.”

  “I’m glad you had a good time at Sophie’s party,” said my mom.

  “Me too, Mom,” I said.

  “Under the circumstances, it was gentlemanly of you to leave,” said my mom.

  My dad gave me a pat on the back.

  Then the doorbell rang. It was our new babysitter.

  “Thanks so much for coming,” said my mom, greeting her at the door. “I hope the kids will be good for you.”

  She stepped in. I froze and one last piece of cupcake fell out of my mouth—it was Louisa May Alcott!

  Alvin Ho’s Creepy Glossary

  Abe Lincoln—A super-duper tall guy in a tall hat, with a beard. He was also a President. He signed a law that freed the slaves.

  Abolition—The end of slavery.

  acrophobia—Fear of being anywhere higher than your tiptoes.

  Aggression for Girls—A class that teaches girls how to beat up boys for no good reason.

  American Revolutionary War—Battle between Revolutionaries (the colonists) and the Redcoats (the British army). It lasted a long time, from 1775 until 1783. In the end, the British went home and the American colonies became a new country.

  BRB—Be Right Back!

  Bucky—(1) A girl. (2) Also my cousin. (3) Real name is Lizard Breath. She goes to an all-girls school where no boys are allowed on account of they might ruin things.

  chain mail—Originally made to be a fence, but has been worn as clothing since about the time when people started beating up one another with metal weapons. Very heavy. You can’t run when you have it on.

  deep knee bends—Painful exercise that makes your legs feel like they’re on fire and makes you huff and puff like crazy.

  earwig—A very scary-looking insect that crawls very fast. People used to believe that they enter the ears of a sleeping person and bore into the brain. I still believe it.

  Fair Haven Pond—A great fishing spot in Concord!

  fast track—A very scary way to learn something very fast. It’s like driving in the passing lane.

  Godzilla—Japanese giant monster from the sea who stomped through the streets of Tokyo and made people run and scream like crazy.

  Henry David Thoreau—Famous dead author who liked the woods and writing in his journal.

  King Philip’s War—Started in 1675 in Plymouth Colony, before it became a part of Massachusetts Bay Colony. The war spread and nearly wiped out
all of New England in a little more than a year. King Philip was the English name for the Native leader Metacom. The settlers were fighting to take more land away from the Natives and the Natives were fighting to preserve their traditional way of life.

  lactose intolerant—My dad. And maybe me too. It has something to do with making a certain kind of noise after eating something made with milk or cheese.

  Louisa May Alcott—(1) A famous dead author who wrote Little Women. But maybe she wasn’t dead when she wrote it, I’m not sure. I can’t remember. In fact, I can’t remember anything from the tour of her house. (2) Babysits for extra money.

  malaria—A deadly disease given to people by mosquitoes. In some countries so many people are sick with it that hardly anyone is able to go to work or school.

  Minutemen—A small handpicked force of the Massachusetts militia, who were “ready in a minute.” They were the first to arrive at a battle during the American Revolutionary War.

  Miracle in a Jar—(1) Comes in tiny jars. (2) Feels like butter. (3) Aka vanishing cream. (4) Expensive.

  Neanderthal—Mostly European guys and some Asian ones too, who were hanging out while the Earth was still cooling. Their children had heads as big as our grown-up ones now, and their grown-up heads were the size of XXXL boxing gloves. They were also very strong. They took Aggression for Everybody.

  Old Hill Burying Ground—(1) The oldest cemetery in Concord. (2) Next to St. Bernard’s Church. (3) The gate is right next to the last house. (4) Don’t go there.

  Orchard House—(1) Home of the Alcotts. (2) A popular field trip destination. (3) But not a favorite destination of mine, even though it has a cool gift shop.

  QRDO—Quiet Romantic Dinner Out. It’s NICE for those going out, but STRESSFUL for those staying in with a creepy babysitter.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson—(1) A famous dead author who was only leading tours of his house, but is now working a new gig at the cemetery. (2) Reads minds. (3) Is very creepy.

  Redcoats—Soldiers of the British Army during the American Revolutionary War. Red was the color of their uniform. Also known as Lobster-backs.

  R.S.V.P.—Resume Standing Very Promptly. This is what you do when you get invited to a party and you want to let them know that you’re coming. It’s French, but it sounds like English to me.

  Sam Staples—Concord’s tax collector and jail keeper. When he asked Henry Thoreau to pay up his poll tax that he hadn’t paid for several years, Henry volunteered to go to jail instead on account of he didn’t want his money to support a government that admitted Texas as a slave state.

  samurai sword—(1) A Japanese weapon used by brave warriors called samurai. (2) Also used by Anibelly for bushwhacking, and useful for slicing apples in midair. (3) Plastic. (4) Made in China.

  Show No Fear—The best thing to do when talking to a girl.

  slavery—This is when one human being says that another belongs to him and has no freedom. First time it occurred in Concord was in 1708. About twelve Concord families owned slaves on the eve of the American Revolution. Places named for slaves that are in Concord today include Jennie Dugan Road, Jennie Dugan Spring, Brister’s Hill Road and Peter Spring Road—all named for slaves who, after gaining their freedom, settled in these parts of town.

  Sleepy Hollow Cemetery—Huge cemetery full of creepy dead people. Authors’ Ridge is at the top of the hill in the back, where all the famous dead authors have tombstones next to one another, but as everyone knows, they’re still in town giving tours of their houses. Don’t go there.

  spackle—It’s a kind of putty used to fill holes in walls. You have to smear it on the wall like face cream. So putting on face cream is like spackling.

  Underground Railroad—A secret network of brave people who helped runaway slaves in the United States escape to freedom in Canada.

  woolly mammoth—Aka Mammuthus primigenius and the tundra mammoth. Looks like a huge hairy elephant. Lived about 10,000 years ago, but you can still see them in museums and buy woolly mammoth souvenirs made in China.

  world records—When you’re the only one in the world to do something special like bend at the knees a hundred times without falling over dead, then you have set a world record.