Traces Of Me

by Nikki Summers

  “Fuck it,” she shouted, startling a woman walking past her. She ran back to her basement apartment and packed up her suitcase and her backpack. She planned on leaving Raleigh for New York first thing in the morning.

  She always woke up just before sunrise. Leaving a note in the mailbox for the couple upstairs, letting them know she vacated, she slipped quietly out. She waited till the last moment to do it because she knew they probably had Jay's number on speed dial. He would know before her bus arrived in New York that she had left.

  CHAPTER TWO

  ~

  New York

  She fell asleep on the bus, which was unusual for her. She knew better than to leave herself so vulnerable. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Gazing out the window she thought of Jay. Meeting him all those years ago flooded back to her. He had walked into her life several months after the night she lost everything.

  She had been brought to a hospital and treated for shock when the police found her. The interrogation by the investigators followed once she was coherent enough to speak. She had described her monster to them and they presented her with a sketch. She stared at the sketch, looking into the eyes that had been drawn of him. They waited patiently for her response. She kept her eyes on the sketch.

  “His eyes are darker, almost black,” she had muttered.

  He was identified as Collin Parker, thirty years old, male Caucasian with no prior arrests aside from a domestic issue five years ago that was resolved out of court. His home was raided and his private investigation office ransacked. He had taken everything of value or incriminating with him. Somehow he had found out there was a witness. The police had kept her identity a secret as best they could. They concluded that he must have had a source in the department that he managed to get classified information from. The detective on my case assumed that because Parker was a PI, he most likely had leverage on someone in the force. He probably blackmailed them into divulging what they knew on the murders.

  She was moved to a mental health institution to be monitored. The doctor from the hospital believed she needed more time to be properly evaluated. He wrote in her chart that she hadn’t recovered sufficiently from the traumatic event to function on her own. She knew she would never recover. She had been held in the institution for over six months, turning fifteen in confinement. It saddened her that there was no party, no presents and no friends to sing Happy Birthday to her. Her monster was out free and she was locked up.

  Aside from her constant depression her therapists felt that she could be released under proper monitoring. She had expressed her interest in going back to school but was thrown when they said she would have to go to a new school. Once her anger subsided her doctor signed the papers for her discharge.

  She was released into the Witness Protection Program. Jay and his partner at the time, a woman named Marie entered her room at the hospital. Charlotte refused to look at Marie. She wouldn’t answer her questions either. All she could focus on in that moment was Jay. Sensing her anxiety around Marie, he asked her to leave. Once the door closed and she was alone with Jay her demeanour changed. She relaxed as she waited for him to speak.

  “Charlotte, Marie and I are here to help. We are going to be the agents on your case. You will have to listen to us when we tell you how to live out there now,” he said, pointing out the window. She didn’t take her eyes from his. She nodded but didn’t say anything and a week later Jay arrived to bring her to her first placement.

  “They have agreed to three months. If you need anything call me. I’ll be here as soon as I can, okay Charlotte?” he searched her eyes, looking for understanding.

  “Yes Jay, I understand,” she whispered as she looked over at the little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. She held the folder he gave her to her chest, holding her new name and a brief outline of her new family history, to help her answer questions kids at school might ask. She wanted to go to her old school but she was told it would be too dangerous. He would find her there. She had wanted to go back to her home but it had been recently sold to a young couple expecting a baby. She wanted her mother but she buried her seven months ago. She tried to hold back tears as she looked back into Jay’s eyes. She didn’t know why she trusted him or why he felt comforting and safe to her, he just did.

  Her time in that farmhouse had been horrible. She still had nightmares which upset everyone living there. They made her sleep downstairs in the living room, away from the bedrooms upstairs. She wanted to call Jay but wasn’t sure if she should. She was so happy to see him when he finally arrived three months later, like he promised. She ran to him, throwing her thin arms around him. She buried her face in his strong chest. The feel of his hands on her back eased her tension.

  “Are you okay Charlie?” he whispered in her ear. She smiled, liking her new nickname. She liked the way he said it.

  “I am now,” she whispered back. To her relief, Marie wasn’t with him this time as he drove her to her new placement.

  They stopped to eat and walk around, stretching their legs. Passing a shooting range, Charlotte spun around to Jay.

  “Please Jay?” she asked, grabbing his hand. He laughed, surprised by her sudden excitement.

  “What, you want to go shooting?” he asked, grinning.

  “My sixteenth birthday is coming up, this could be like an early present, please,” she begged, still holding his hand. He glanced at her small delicate hand wrapped around his rough, calloused one. He looked down at her dark rimmed eyes. He could tell she’s not sleeping through the night. He had been informed that if she showed any signs of mental dysfunction she would be returned to the hospital. That idea upset him.

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll take you shooting Charlie,” he said. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, surprising Jay. He knew he should reprimand her for getting too close. He should remind her he was just doing his job but the way she looked at him, trusted him and seemed to need him made him feel good. For selfish reasons that he knew would send him straight to hell, he let her get attached to him.

  He stood behind her and held her arms, helping her to aim. His warmth spread through her. She wished he would always stay this close to her. Within an hour of practice her aim improved significantly, impressing Jay.

  “You must be a natural Charlie,” he said as he helped her out of her goggles and ear guards. She smiled as she looked up at him.

  “Thank you Jay, for this. I needed it,” she said as she put her hair back into a ponytail and stuffed it into her baseball cap.

  “We’ll do it again sometime, I promise,” Jay said, winking at her. She reached for his hand as they walked back out to his car. He knew he should have pulled away from her but he didn’t.

  Time continued on like that until Jay showed up unexpectedly early one morning. She had turned seventeen to no party again, no presents, no cake, just like her fifteenth and sixteenth. Birthdays hurt her so much because her mother used to make a whole day out of it. Starting with a birthday breakfast, usually crepes and whipped cream topped with blueberries. A small present would be left on the tray. She always had a sleepover with her friends. There would be games, movies, pizza, cake, balloons and gifts. She loved her birthdays when she was younger but now she dreaded them. She had no one to celebrate with anymore.

  She was alone in her bedroom, wearing a pink nightgown when Jay knocked once on her door then opened it. He shut it quickly behind him and raced to her windows, shutting the curtains.

  “Let’s go,” was all he said as he helped her stuff her clothes in a suitcase. She was about to change when Jay took her hand, shaking his head. She pulled on her rain boots and Jay wrapped a blanket around her. He led her quietly to the front door. The sun hadn’t even risen yet as Jay left a note for her guardians. He took her hand again, leading her out to his car. Jay didn’t say a word until they were on the highway, where they would be for hours that day.

  “Sorry Charlie, but something's happened. I don’t want to scare you but…” his voice trail
ed off. He lit a smoke as she waited for him to continue but her patience was wearing thin.

  “Hate to break it to you but bursting into a girls bedroom in the middle of the night is kind of scary, especially since you wouldn’t let me dress,” she said, trying to smile but only a smirk escaped her lips. He touched her cheek, brushing her hair back from her face. She missed his touches.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “So spill it agent Jay, what’s up?” she asked, trying not to sound as frightened as she felt.

  “There’s been a call into the tip line, someone has seen a man fitting the description of our killer in town, just twenty minutes away from where you were staying,” he informed her.

  “Don’t call him ‘our killer’. He is just a monster to me. Just call him ‘my monster’. I don’t want to know his name, his description. I don’t want to know he’s a male Caucasian. To me he is a monster,” she told him as she gazed out the window into the darkness. Jay looked at her, reaching for her hand.

  “Why don’t you use me as bait Jay? If he knows where I am, why not just leave me where I am. Why not just leave me there? Catch him when he comes close enough,” she asked, troubled by the fact that he gets so close then escapes.

  “We don’t work like that. Using young girls as ‘bait’ isn’t how the police work,” he said, dismissing her idea.

  “I’m not that young. You missed my last birthday by the way,” she said, holding back a yawn.

  “Grab my bag in the back seat,” he ordered as he pulled the car over to the side of the road. She looked back, finding his black leather messenger bag. She picked it up and placed it between them.

  “Look inside for a pink box,” he said, glancing at her confused face. He grinned as he looked out at the dark road. She dug her hands in, finding the little box on the bottom. What she really wanted was to read the folders inside it but the lighting was still too dark. She pulled the box out and put his bag back on the seat.

  “Open it,” he ordered impatiently. She opened it slowly, deliberately frustrating him. She just wanted to savour the thrill of opening the first gift she’s received in years.

  “What, bullets?” she shouted, surprised by the odd gift.

  “You’re stuck with me for at least a week and I promised to take you shooting again,” he said with a smile as she stared at him. She moved over, unbuckling her seat belt. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

  “Thank you Jay,” she said, kissing his cheek, rubbing her soft flesh against his rough stubble. He slowly turned to her, breathing in the smell of her. She held his face with her small, smooth hands. She lightly brushed her lips over his. He slowly shook his head and she smiled as she sat back. He lit another cigarette and sighed heavily. His body trembled as he tried not to think about what he wanted to do to her. He glanced at her sweet, innocent face. He knew she had been through hell and had seen things most people luckily would never have to, but somehow she still looked innocent to him. She loved the idea of having him for a week all to herself but now he wasn’t so sure it was a good idea.

  “Put your seatbelt on Charlie and you’re welcome. Happy birthday,” he smiled as he started the car. Once her seat belt was buckled he reached for her hand again. He didn’t know why she made him feel so good, she just did.

  CHAPTER THREE

  ~

  Josh

  Since turning nineteen Charlotte began to think of New York City as freedom. She craved the noise, the people and the activity. She believed she could hide there. She dreamed of one day living a real life, where she didn't have to keep running. Since she left the ranch she didn't have the energy to fend for herself anymore. She didn’t trust herself to make any decisions, so she let Jay continue to take control but Austin was a turning point for her. Being alone in a city, in a hotel without a security entrance was liberating for her. She knew it was dangerous but she felt like she had to push the limits, if only temporarily.

  The bus pulled into the station late in the afternoon. Jay would kill her himself if he knew she left Raleigh so soon but she hated feeling so trapped and so alone. She hesitantly left the station, managing to hail a cab.

  “1568 Broadway, the Hilton,” she said, as she pulled out her printout of the hotel room she booked online the day before. She decided after slumming it in Austin she would spend some of her money in New York.

  She hoped four nights would give her enough time to find an apartment that rented by the week. She told herself no more than four weeks in every new city. Once safely inside her hotel room she threw her suitcase down and stripped off her clothes. Traveling by bus made her feel dirty. She took a long warm shower then wrapped the hotel robe around her body. She ordered room service, and then fell asleep on the soft, comfortable bed.

  By the end of the week she found a small but clean apartment in Manhattan with a sweet landlady that said she could rent weekly. She told Charlotte there was a bed and a sofa that she could use. Grateful for her luck she settled in quickly. After a few days she began to feel brave enough to explore her new neighborhood. The cafe, just a block away from her apartment had the best coffee she ever tasted. She knew she wasn't supposed to be a regular anywhere but this was going to be a daily stop for her.

  She took a seat near the window, where she could easily hide from the people walking down the street by leaning back. She didn't like having her back to windows or doors. She felt better with a clear view of everyone coming and going.

  Every time someone entered she looked them over, especially if they were male. It had been her fourth visit to the cafe when she felt comfortable enough to pull out her journal and begin writing again. She finished the last novel she wrote based on Jay, telling herself she wouldn't write about him again. His latest rejection of her made it hard to get through the last few chapters but she managed, it was fiction after all she told herself.

  Opening the new journal, breaking the spine, she glanced around looking for inspiration. Nothing. She wrote Chapter One on the blank page then finished her coffee. Glancing up when she heard the door open. Her breath caught as a young man walked in. He didn't see her thankfully since she couldn't take her eyes off him. She watched him take his sunglasses off and stroll to the counter.

  His shaggy brown hair with natural warm highlights, his high cheekbones and his beautifully golden tanned skin enticed her. Having skin that color in fall in New York was rare, he must travel she mused as she watched him flirt with the girl behind the counter. She wished she could see his eyes. His casual looking suit made him appear business like but with a soft edge. He turned after he picked up a lid for his coffee but didn’t put it on. His eyes met hers and she froze for a second, the brightness capturing her off guard. She looked back down at her journal, feeling the heat in her cheeks. She wasn't sure if she was embarrassed for being caught staring or if it was because of him that she felt so warm. She glanced back up as he walked out. She watched him walk by her. His sunglasses were back on, blocking his eyes from her. She smiled as she began to write again. She had a new muse.

  She caught his smile a few times after that first sighting. She began to look forward to seeing him every morning. She dressed carefully, fixing her hair and putting on a little makeup. She stopped wearing her wig after her first day in New York. Jay didn't approve when she began to grow her hair out but she felt like she had to start being herself a little more.

  At one time she had loved her hair and she hated the wigs. Her hair has been through it all in the last few years. When she was younger she had grown it long, all the way down her back. Her mother used to braid her strawberry blond hair for her. It was the first thing to go after her murder. She lost everything that day, her parents, her home, her friends, her school, her clothes and her hair. She hated her monster and one day she vowed to kill him. The idea of murdering her monster was the reason she stayed fit and had learned to shoot.

  “My monster has found me, wig or not anyway,” she had told Jay when he asked her about it i
n Raleigh. She promised him she would wear it when she traveled, which she did on the bus.

  She stared at her dream man's shoulders when he faced the counter, talking to that lucky girl again. He must be charming because she always blushed and when he left she looked flustered. Charlotte would close her eyes and imagine him smiling and flirting with her. She wondered if she would blush too, would he make her skin tingle, would her body heat up on the inside, making her dizzy and speechless. Probably, she sighed as she watched him turn from the counter and glance her way.

  'Maybe he can read my thoughts,' she thought to herself. Looking away but not before catching him smile at her. She can't help but smile back even though she's feeling slightly embarrassed. Pretending to be busy typing away, she waited until he was opening the door for a lady before she watched him again.

  'He must think I'm pathetic,' she moaned. Always alone, writing in a coffee shop. He probably thinks she stares at every hot guy that comes in. All true except for the last part, he's the only hot guy she stares at. Sure she glances at and appreciates the others but it's him she stares at, dreams about and wants to know, a foolish fantasy for a broken girl to have.

  She decides after her last stolen glance at him that she has to avoid him until she leaves New York. She shouldn't get her hopes up, only to have them crushed. She is well aware that the world doesn't need her help for that. She just keeps wishing that someday she might find someone to take the ache away, allowing her to breathe again, maybe even laugh. Maybe I can love someone someday, she tells herself, holding down the pain again.

  Trying to break up her routine as Jay had ordered, she found a new park to run in. She almost tripped when she saw her dream man jog past her after one of her sprints. She leaned over to catch her breath as he smoothly ran past her. She hadn't heard anyone behind her when she was running, he must have just started from somewhere, she thought as she looked around. She was happy to have seen him but disappointed in herself for not being more aware of her surroundings. She never wore headphones when she was out in public but she knew sometimes her imagination ran away from her and she could easily get lost in a story when she was running.