Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  "A stray we picked up."

  "He wants to be a slayer?"

  "Apparently."

  "Tell the whole story, Sidney; I need to know."

  "He showed up at our doorstep five days ago. He's been sleeping outside. It's going to be too cold to sleep outside today, so I let him in."

  "You made him spend five days sleeping outside?"

  "He's a fucking rat."

  "Put a bullet in his brain," he said.

  "At this point, I think I'd have to shoot Nathan and Erin, too."

  "Dangerous game you play."

  "Dangerous world," I said.

  "Anything else?"

  "I guess we need another grenade launcher…"

  "Excellent."

  I hung up the phone and sighed. I went downstairs and found the kitchen empty. I hit the intercom button. "Where is everybody?"

  After a few moments, Nathan spoke across the intercom, "Basement."

  I went downstairs to the basement. Pup had a wooden practice sword in his hand, and he and Erin were squaring off. Nathan looked at me and grinned. I went back upstairs and climbed into my hammock. I curled up in a ball and finally started whimpering.

  I didn't sleep. Around noon I went to the kitchen in quest for a snack. Nathan, Erin, and Pup were there, and they had the fixings out to make sandwiches. We were all sitting down to eat when Pup said, "So, do you guys have names?"

  Erin said, "I'm Erin."

  Pup pointed at Nathan and said, "You're Nathan."

  I didn't say anything. Pup looked at me. I said, "I'm Sidney."

  "So, I can stay?" He asked. "You're not going to just throw me out later?"

  Nathan said, "You can stay."

  Erin nodded.

  I growled.

  Pup smiled.

  I said, "Have you ordered his armor yet?"

  Erin and Nathan shook their heads no.

  "Well, get him fitted for armor, so that he can go to the grocery store with us."

  "What about slaying?" Pup asked. "Won't I need the armor for slaying?"

  "It'll be a long time before you go slaying with us."

  Erin said, "At least a month."

  Nathan said, "Yeah."

  "It's likely going to be longer than that," I said. "He'll have to pass all the tests, and that means kill shots on the three of us in six seconds."

  "Boss!"

  "You can't expect him to do that in a month," Erin said.

  I said, "Exactly."

  Pup said, "What are you guys talking about?"

  "One of the tests to becoming a slayer involves taking on three opponents at once," Nathan said. "Typically, when active teams bring on new recruits they don't expect them to pass that test before fielding them."

  I said, "I passed it. Pup has to pass it."

  Pup nodded. "I'll work really hard, boss."

  Chapter 39

  They headed off to the basement, and I went to the tv room and started flipping through channels. After a while, I seemed to dose off on the couch. I started to have a dream that it was Thanksgiving. Emily and I were together, and we had all these children running around. Emily handed me the knife to carve the turkey, and I woke with a start. Nathan was standing in the doorway.

  He said, "I didn't want to wake you."

  I said, "How long have you been there?"

  "At least ten minutes. Look, I just wanted to tell you that we'll cook dinner tonight. Relax, and we'll call you when it's ready."

  I said, "Thank you."

  Nathan smiled and wandered off. After a while, I got curious and wandered downstairs. I could smell the garlic bread before I reached the kitchen. Erin had two pans of stuff going on the stove. Nathan and Pup were chopping stuff up for salad. Erin said, "Tortellini."

  Nathan said, "You know it's Thanksgiving this week?"

  I nodded.

  Pup asked, "Will we have turkey?"

  Erin said, "We better."

  "We can get a turkey," I said. "They had Goose at Dot's market; we could get a goose instead. I hear they're tasty."

  Nathan said, "You're joking right?"

  "It was just a thought I had."

  "We should get a ham too," Pup said. "We've got two ovens. We could get a ham, a goose, and a turkey."

  "Are you hungry?"

  "Yes!"

  "The tortellini is ready," Erin said. "The garlic bread smells done."

  She poured the tortellini into a strainer. Nathan pulled the garlic bread out of the oven. Pup made a quick salad and grabbed an empty plate. He was the first to the tortellini, the tomato sauce, and the garlic bread. Without even batting an eye he grabbed his salad plate and headed off into the dining room.

  I said, "At least he's not shy."

  Nathan filled up a plate of food, followed by Erin. I was last. By the time I made it through to the dining room, Pup was half way finished with his food. I sat down and savored every bite. I refused to eat like a wolf even when surrounded by wolves.

  Pup went for seconds. When he returned, I said, "Is there any hope for him?"

  Nathan and Erin both looked at me confused. I looked back. Pup said, "Huh?"

  "You three have been training all day. Is there any hope for him?"

  "He has talent," Nathan said.

  Erin said, "He lacks in skill."

  "Skill is learned. Without talent, you don't have a chance to learn skill."

  Pup said, "Erin hit me in the face."

  She said, "Not very hard."

  "Bullshit."

  "She didn't break your nose," Nathan said. "You don't have a black eye. You're not bruised."

  Pup sighed. He went back to work on his dinner.

  I made to clear my plates. Erin said, "We'll do the dishes."

  I looked at her.

  "Yeah, boss," Nathan said. "We know you've been putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Get some rest."

  I said, "I don't put pressure on myself."

  "Then who is putting that pressure on you that's keeping you up pacing the halls at all hours of the night?" Erin asked.

  "I don't pace the halls at night."

  "I can hear you pacing the halls at night," Nathan said. "You drag your feet."

  "Really?"

  I wasn't pacing the halls at night. I lay in my hammock and tried to fall asleep without dreaming, but I wasn't pacing. I cleared my dishes and went back to watching tv.

  That night I lay in my hammock, and a "Meow," itched its way into my solace.

  I sighed.

  I heard it again and again. I went to the door to my room and opened it. Fred darted into my room and leaped onto my hammock. I walked over to the hammock. "No!"

  The cat purred.

  "Get down!"

  The cat stretched.

  "Get out!"

  The cat started pawing the hammock.

  I reached for the cat to grab it, and the thing turned on me and hissed.

  "I'm not sleeping on the couch. Get off my hammock!"

  The cat went back to purring.

  I whimpered a little bit. I tried to climb in the hammock without disturbing the cat, but he ended up curling up next to me. Warm and furry, just what I wanted. I fell asleep, though, and I didn't dream. I woke up strangely refreshed. Fred wasn't in my room.

  At breakfast, I said, "Are we going to wait for Pup to be ready to start slaying again? I got a good night's sleep last night: we could go out."

  "It's a pointless risk of life and limb without a fourth," Erin said.

  Nathan said, "Agreed."

  "I can shoot," Pup said. "We could start today."

  "You've got to be proficient with a sword first," Erin said.

  He nodded.

  "Your armor should get here tomorrow," she said. "We need groceries."

  "Do I get to shop for stuff too?" Pup asked. "You guys don't stock nuts at all. I was looking for a snack hoping for some peanuts, cashews, sunflower kernels, or pistachios, but I found nothing. I don't have any money. I've never had a job."
>
  "You can fill up a whole grocery cart full of stuff," I said.

  Pup said, "Thanks, boss."

  His armor arrived the next day, and he grinned while he tried it on. I told him to put the ski mask on and go look in the mirror. He disappeared for a solid half hour. He had a very sober look about him on his return. He bought all junk food at the store. At least in my opinion junk food, I guess nuts are healthy. I don't know about pretzels and nacho dip.

  A week passed. We ate together. Pup did his share of the household duties. The three of them typically kicked me out of the kitchen. I didn't sleep but an hour or two a day the whole time. I took to sleeping with my Colt in its holster under my armpit.

  One morning as dawn's first light crept into my room, my satellite phone rang. I grabbed it on the third ring and said, "Hello."

  "Sidney."

  It was agent nine. He told me the most disturbing story. I hung up the phone and looked at the pictures he sent me. I paused to think for a few moments. I hit the intercom and shouted, "Gear up!"

  I put my gear on and headed for the armory. Nathan, Pup, and Erin joined me as I opened the door. I passed out Glocks to everybody. I went to our case of heavy weapons and pulled out a 7.62mm NATO M-240 machine gun. I pointed at a 200 round ammo box and said, "Nathan, grab that ammo box."

  I grabbed the user manual for the M-240 and handed it to Pup. I said, "Read it."

  Pup said, "Hot damn!"

  We went to the trucks, and I put the M-240 in the back of my SUV. Nathan put the ammo in his truck. Pup hopped in Nathan's SUV, and I said, "Follow me."

  I drove out to the outskirts of town to a range I knew. I picked up six silhouette targets. I set them up down range in a row on the 100-yard range. I walked back to where Pup, Nathan, and Erin waited.

  I pointed at the M-240. "Pup, load it."

  Pup grinned wide. He started fumbling with the rifle. Finally, the top popped open, and he slid the belt in. He closed the top and chambered a round. I said, "Start on the left. Kill all six targets. Short, controlled bursts."

  Pup said, "This thing is full auto isn't it?"

  "Aye."

  He started on the leftmost target. The machine gun went BRRRRRAAAPPP! The bullets landed in a wide circle around the target's gut. Pup moved to the next and next target. With each new target, his grouping got better, and he burned through less ammo. He kept shooting the targets in the gut. When he was done, I asked, "Where you aiming for the gut?"

  Pup grinned this madhouse grin of a possessed man. "I hear stomach wounds hurt real bad."

  "You'll aim for the heart! No questions! Do it again!"

  Pup's machine gun went BRRAP, BRRAP, over and over, until each target had been tagged by a burst through the heart. I said, "Again!"

  Pup aimed for the heads this time. Short controlled bursts right on the center of their faces.

  I said, "Excellent."

  Chapter 40

  Nathan said, "What's going on?"

  "I'll explain when we get back to the warehouse," I said.

  Erin said, "Explain now."

  "I've been informed there may be a blood farm in Dayton."

  Erin and Nathan's eyes turned cold as steel.

  Pup asked, "A what?"

  "A place where vampires are keeping captives alive and harvesting their flesh and blood. Like we raise pigs or chickens."

  Nathan said, "When did you find out?"

  "Earlier this morning."

  Erin said, "Who told you about this?"

  "A federal agent who's on our side."

  Pup said, "Can you trust him?"

  I nodded.

  Erin said, "How'd they find out about it?"

  "When they found the vampires who hacked our network, they found computers. They hacked the computers," I said.

  Nathan said, "What is this place?"

  "We have a map: square shipping and receiving facility with offices in the front with a warehouse and loading dock in the rear. Trucks come and go at night. There are two doors at opposite ends of the building in the back, plus loading dock doors. There's one entrance in the front, and it's boarded up."

  "The military or police should hit it," Nathan said. "We can't take on those odds."

  "I said the same thing. I was told Dayton is our responsibility."

  Erin said, "It's a trap."

  "The agent I talk to is in constant contact with the church and vice versa."

  Pup said, "What's the plan?"

  "Well, Pup, if you're game, I was going to station you at the rear of the building covering all the doors with an M-240 while the three of us hit the front entrance and clear the building."

  Pup frowned and then gently caressed the machine gun still in his hands. "I'm game. Are there windows on the rear wall or just a million doors?"

  "I think it's just a one story building with doors in the back. I'm not certain. There are two normal doors and eight loading dock doors."

  Nathan and Erin looked at each other.

  "We'll leave a truck with Pup," I said. "So if it gets too hot for him or he's injured, he can make a run for it."

  Pup said, "When do I get my own truck?"

  "I just gave you a machine gun today, now you want a truck, too! I'll have to think about that one."

  Nathan and Erin's eyes were locked. Erin said, "We don't have a choice."

  Nathan broke contact with Erin. "We're in."

  "I never had a doubt you would be," I said. "I'll be right on your heels this time, but I'm not slinging my grenade launcher."

  "Have you ever even practiced with that thing?" Erin asked.

  "Well, no."

  Nathan said, "He's going to shoot us in the back."

  "I bet he will," she said. "And I bet those grenades will make a mess of our armor."

  "I will not!" I howled.

  "He's perhaps a little too clumsy in my opinion to back us up with a grenade launcher," Nathan said.

  Erin nodded. "Nathan, perhaps you should do the duty."

  "The whole grenade launcher thing was my idea, and between the four of us, I've used it the most!" I said.

  Pup laughed. "They're fucking with you, Sidney."

  I sighed. Nathan and Erin grinned.

  Pup looked at his watch. "It's only 10 am."

  Nathan said, "Little late in the day to hit a nest."

  Erin said, "Yeah… If there are live captives…"

  All three of them turned on me. I said, "You guys want to hit it right now. I want to hit it right now. I didn't bring the grenade launcher. We have to stop back at the warehouse."

  Pup unloaded the M-240, and Nathan grabbed the ammo box. Erin raced off to her truck. She shouted across the comm gear, "Ten bucks say I can beat the lot of you back to the warehouse!"

  Tires screeched as she sped off. Pup and Nathan took off in a run. I walked. We had time. Not a great deal of time, but we had some.

  I made it to the warehouse, and Nathan had made it there first. I hit the remote for the gate, and we went inside. I showed them the map of the building. I packed up the grenade launcher. Nathan grabbed extra magazines and stuffed them in his belt on his front.

  We were getting ready to leave, and Pup said, "Can I have my .44?"

  "Yeah,” I said. “Come on."

  I ran upstairs and opened the drawer of old weapons. I grabbed his off the top and held it out to him. He grabbed it and stuffed it in his belt. We secured the armory and headed to the vehicles. Pup drove one, and we split up as we approached the blood farm.

  The windows on the front of the building had all been boarded up. I checked with Pup across the comm gear: he was ready. I took aim at the main entrance and squeezed off two quick rounds from the grenade launcher. The barricade shattered, and Nathan and Erin were off in a flash. I chased after them.

  A klaxon sounded from within the building. Erin was first to reach the door--a shotgun blasted her in the gut sending her flying backward. Nathan squeezed off rounds into the entranceway. I had a clear shot i
nto the building, and I took it. An explosion echoed from inside as my grenade detonated.

  Pup's M-240 squeezed off short controlled bursts across the comm gear.

  Erin picked herself back up and climbed through the charred and smoking entrance. Nathan stepped through next, and I followed close behind. On seeing me, Erin took off in a run down the main hallway. Nathan and I raced after. Erin kicked the door in to the first office and stepped inside. A doorway not in the building plans had been cut in the back of the office leading into the warehouse. Pup let loose a long string of ammo and howled, "Aaaaahhhhh!"

  Erin stepped into the doorway, machine gun fire raked into her, and she went down.

  I shoved Nathan out of the way and launched a grenade at a vampire crouched with a tripod mounted machine gun while bullets ripped into my chest. They hurt bad like getting hit with baseballs.

  Nathan in turn shoved me out of the way and stepped into the warehouse. A vampire with a crowbar hiding on the other side of the door knocked his Glock out of his hands. Nathan responded by throwing a left jab at the vampires face followed by a quick right cross. He drew his knife with his left and jabbed again to the vampire's face knocking it backward. Nathan stepped inside the vampire's reach and opened up its throat with a quick slash from his knife.

  I took a look around for targets of opportunity. A wall of boxes separated us from the back of the warehouse. I turned to look at Erin while Nathan recovered his Glock. She was still down, and bullets were stuck in her armor. I looked down at myself, and I had bullets stuck in my armor too. I started picking them out for no particular reason. Erin grimaced and pushed herself to her feet.

  A rifle shot echoed in the distance, and Nathan's head jerked, and his helmet flew off. I spun with a quickness looking for a cloud of smoke and squeezed off three grenades at an upper stack of boxes. Three quick explosions followed. I looked to Nathan. He was picking up his helmet and dusting it off.

  A burst of machine gun fire rat-a-tatted in the distance, but it wasn't across the comm gear. In fact, the comm gear had been silent for some time. I looked at Nathan and Erin. "They're killing the captives!"

  Nathan and Erin took off faster than I'd ever seen another human being move in my life. Nathan headed to a pathway through the boxes on the left, and Erin went through one on the right. I followed behind Erin. More of the machine gun fire pounced in the distance.