Inside, I was finally seeing Grace and Henry’s completely remodeled home. It was nice before, a big two story, but now...it was beautifully redone...every bit of it. The floors were now dark wide boards, scraped hardwoods. The kitchen had been opened up and completely redone from top to bottom. The fireplace had been completely redone in stacked stone all the way up the wall to the cathedral ceiling. The master bath had been completely remodeled. Each room along the tour had new touches. Even the room we were staying in was different, finished, since my last visit.
Grace: I figured I’d give you the bonus room.
me: Thank you. It’s perfect.
It was, too. We walked the five steps down into the room, which guaranteed that Kylie would not be exiting the room without me. Henry had laid the luggage on this tall table that Grace explained he used for assembling puzzles. On the floor was a queen sized Aero bed. Because it was only six inches off the carpet, Kylie was currently crawling on and off it. She was so excited. When I added my pillow and hers along with our special blankets, she snuggled right in while laughing.
Grace: She’s so big. And totally precious.
me: Yeah, I’m so in love with that baby.
As I glanced about, I saw the sitting area with the love seat, coffee table, and television. This room would be...perfect. *sigh* I could actually get work done while Kylie played and watched her shows. Yes, I’m that kind of mother.
me: We’ll be very comfortable here. Thank you.
Grace: Good, I’m glad. We’re going to watch TV. Wanna join us?
me: Yup, just need to get Kylie in jammies and start her feed. See you in just a minute.
An hour later, Henry had gone to bed, Kylie was asleep in my lap and that left time for me to talk to Grace. It was one of those things that I could just feel. She had been waiting quietly, patiently for us to be alone. She wanted to know, needed details to piece together the story of how I ended up here...the same story I tried to figure out every day. I had taken to dreaming about it. Only, in my dream, I hadn’t asked Shane if he needed to answer the phone. I hadn’t left Kylie in the bedroom; instead, she had slept out on the couch snuggled with me. And when he woke, he came out to the great room, happy to see me, wondering how long I had been home.
There were other dreams, nightmares, where I worked through what would have happened if I hadn’t called the police. He was spiraling out of control and everything was worse...dangerous.
No matter my dreams, I just couldn’t see a way back to each other. I couldn’t see a way this was ever going to work. So much for happily ever after.
Grace: So what now?
me: I wish I knew. Survive until the court date. I’ve had to cancel all of Kylie’s therapies.
Grace: What did you tell them?
me: The truth. I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not ashamed. To cover up is just another way to protect him.
It made me remember a conversation from my first meeting with Paula that I had previously forgotten. She had told me that I needed to be sure not to downplay the situation.
Paula: Trust me, he will be covering his butt plenty. He won’t need your help. Go into court and tell the truth, all of it, just the way it happened.
Even though I had apparently been enabling this behavior for some time, trying to cover up for him with friends, explaining away holes in the wall and broken and missing items, that time had come to harsh and sudden end. Now, I did what I needed to in order to protect Kylie.
With a softly spoken comment, Grace interrupted my thoughts. She was good at doing that, keeping me from dwelling on things too long.
Grace: Kylie is beautiful. She is absolutely precious.
I smiled. That happened a lot when we discussed my amazing baby.
me: Yes, she sure does know how to warm hearts.
I glanced at the clock and realized how late it was getting.
me: Hey, what’s your schedule tomorrow?
Grace: Oh, I’m working from home tomorrow.
Apparently that’s one of the perks of working for a major drug company. She can work from home half time. That seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Grace: I’ll finish around 3:30 when my last conference call ends. Why?
me: Well, I need to open a bank account. I’m thinking Wells Fargo since our joint accounts are through Bank of America. Also, I really need to sell this stroller, and buy an umbrella one. Then there’s the phone. I’m still not sure what to do about that. You are awesome at reasoning with me. Maybe we can figure that out together? I know it’s a good-sized list, but it doesn’t all have to be done tomorrow. Looks like we’ll have a week together.
Often, I was guilty of making a joke of my situation. It had been this way my entire life. I was far more comfortable with being able to laugh at myself than I was with fretting and weeping. That wasn’t for me at all.
Grace: Well, it’s good to see you are maintaining that sense of humor.
Smiling, I shrugged.
Grace: Time for bed. See you in the morning. I’m really glad you’re here.
me: Me, too.
So we stood and hugged before I gathered up Kylie and her pump then headed up the stairs to sleep. Before closing my eyes and settling in, I did what I had done so often during the day. Opening the laptop, I refreshed the Sheriff.org page and was relieved to discover once more that Shane was still in jail. Apparently no one had paid his bail. The longer he was in, the more confident I was that he wasn’t going to get out before his next jail appearance. According to the information on the site, that wasn’t until December 20th. That wasn’t an appearance I would have to be at. Conceivably, I might not have to see him again...ever. For the moment, that gave me an immeasurable amount of comfort.
It was so quiet, so calm and peaceful when I woke, that it took me a moment before I decided to move from the Aero bed. Somehow, in the length between visits, I had forgotten what it was like at Grace’s house. She was walking talking chamomile. There was never much noise around the house, other than the dog. A smile bore across my face and I knew for certain that this was where I needed to be at the moment.
Laying tucked up against my side was Kylie. She had slept better last night than she had in many. It could have been exhaustion, but once again I think that Grace’s presence had worked its magic.
Slowly, I rolled from the bed, landing on hands and knees. Pretty picture, huh? I’d like to see you make a better dismount off an air mattress. Once free and without having awakened my baby girl, I moved to the love seat just a few feet away. There was so much writing that I had to catch up on. If at all possible, I wanted to get in a call to mom this morning, too.
My first act, as I waited for my brain to start functioning, was to go about the mindless tasks that consume so much of my day. Normally, that would mean emails. This morning, like the day before, it meant checking on Sheriff.org. To my relief, Shane was still incarcerated. He had changed pods within the jail once more, it seemed. Other than that, all the information was the same.
Using my phone, I went through my emails. I checked on my Facebook, and I tried to get my mind right. I’d have to go out to the car and get Kylie’s bags this morning. I knew I had two in her diaper bag, but since they were supposed to be changed daily to prevent infection, I would be out before the weekend ended.
Feeling better, like my head was finally in the game, like I could concentrate on something, anything, once more, I opened my file of assignments. The keys on the MacBook barely made a sound as I typed fast and furious, determined to catch up and hopefully even get ahead. I felt good...really good. For the first time in such a long time...I was almost back to being myself.
It was almost 8am when Kylie finally woke from her apparently very restful sleep. Like most days, she scanned the room until she found me, then she beamed. She has the most beautiful smile. Too often she astounds me with the complexity of her thoughts and expressions. It’s like having this miniature adult trapped in a baby’s body.
Grace: There’s cereal and bagels in the cupboard. Eggs are in the fridge. Have whatever you want. Oh...tea. You like hot tea, right?
me: Yup.
I smirk because I know where this is going. We’ve had this same discussion a million times. And I promise, if I cared that much about tea, I would’ve brought it with me.
Grace: Yeah. Well, we don’t have any tea, but if you change your mind about coffee, Henry made this pot just before he left.
me: No worries. I’m fine.
With that, Grace stood, came over to give me a hug, and then did what little cleaning she needed to before she excused herself.
Grace: Well, time to get to work. I’m available unless the door is closed. Conference calls.
me: Have fun!
She made a face that expressed her true dislike for that part of her career, then she wandered off to the study on the opposite side of the stairs.
After setting Kylie down on the floor, I went to work on cleaning her extension and then threw out her used bag. Once I grabbed a bagel and inserted it in the toaster, I ran back up the stairs to get a fresh bag from the diaper bag. If I kept forgetting everything, I just might be significantly thinner after a week.
While Kylie and I ate, I started thinking of everything I needed to accomplish. By the time we finished, I had a plan in place. We headed back up to our little studio apartment that was Grace’s bonus room. Almost as soon as I set Kylie down and turned on her educational morning shows, my cell phone was ringing. The DA was finally calling me back.
DA: I’m just returning your call.
me: Yes, I called because I’m concerned about my husband. He broke the Order of Protection and was arrested.
DA: Can I get his information?
Once I gave her all the numbers she required, his case number, his jail ID number, and my information, she was ready to have a discussion with me.
me: I need you to understand that this isn’t the man I married and fell in love with. If you note, on the Order of Protection, I want to make sure he gets a mental evaluation. I’m also concerned that he might not be getting his meds in jail. I can only imagine what kind of state he is in without them.
DA: What meds is he on?
me: Well, he takes Xanax for anxiety and I can’t remember the name of the sleeping pills he was prescribed? He also takes Suboxone and Adderall.
In the background, I could hear the scribble of her taking notes. And there was the occasional sigh.
DA: Okay, I’ve taken all of your information. I’ll be in touch.
Somehow I didn’t find that to be comforting at all. Though she had listened and taken notes, I could completely imagine her filing the notes and sticking the folder in a drawer or adding it to the top of the pile. The bureaucracy is flawed; we all know this. It was only just now that I was realizing what a huge problem it was.
The day passed quickly. I can’t remember what made it get away from me. I know that I showered while playing peek-a-boo with Kylie in Grace’s master bath. What an amazing shower…white subway tile, huge rain shower head, and a seat for me to prop a leg on to shave. Perfect! On the down side, even though it was completely glassed in, Kylie was so determined to get to me that she almost shut her fingers in the door. We’d be showering upstairs in the traditional shower from now on.
At some point I stopped for lunch with Grace where I ate some of her leftovers. It was a beef stir-fry that she had made in the crockpot. Of course, since I hadn’t eaten it before, not a leftover for me. After lunch Kylie slept...on the Aero bed. This may not seem like such a big deal, but I promise that she hasn’t been anywhere to take a nap since Monday and has been merely napping in the car, so this...was noteworthy.
Suddenly it was 4pm and Grace and I were loading Kylie in the car to head to the bank. It was time to open an account. For future reference...Wells Fargo doesn’t give out temporary cards like Bank of America. That threw me for a loop and left me feeling slightly crippled.
From there, we went walking at the park. Nothing like a long walk in flip-flops to make me feel completely out of shape. Maybe because Grace made me feel so safe and comfortable, I had forgotten to get on the computer constantly to check the status of Shane’s incarceration. It was only when we were walking around a corner and I saw a silver truck that it all came back to me. Grace saw me jump. I didn’t even realize how startled I was, how damaged I must be if that was my reaction to seeing a silver truck. It wasn’t his, of course, but it did remind me to be more vigilant. We headed back to the car after that. By then, I was pretty much toast.
me: Dinner?
I was feeling weak. Without the data package, I couldn’t look up Sheriff.org. The walking hadn’t helped. It was time for me to go back to Grace’s house.
She looked at me and threw an arm around me.
Grace: I spoke to Henry. He suggested Chinese tonight. We’ll get take out.
me: Perfect.
It was, too. Nothing like eating my emotions to get myself right.
After Kylie woke, we headed down to the kitchen where everyone was already awake. I had grabbed the last sealed pump bag from Kylie’s duffle and was preparing to load it when I realized I had forgotten to get the rest from the car the day before. Grace and Henry didn’t have children, claiming they liked their life, but I saw the way my friend stared at my baby while she crawled around.
me: Hey, Grace...wanna hold her while I run out to the car. Her spare feed bags are out there and I keep forgetting to bring them in. The minute she sees me walk out the door, she’s going to freak, but she doesn’t need to go out in the cold in pajamas.
Grace: Oh, sure. Why not?
So, I headed for the door and heard Kylie wailing. Turning, I assured her that I’d be right back, then I rushed down the front steps to my car, keys in hand. With the button on the key fob, I had the vehicle unlocked before I reached it. My problem was that I couldn’t be sure where anything was. Lily had helped me load the vehicle.
I looked around the back seat, but couldn’t see the tote filled with them. Next I opened the cargo bay. There was really nothing left back there but a spare box of the liquid nutrition that went in the missing medical supplies. While I was pretty sure that they weren’t in the front passenger seat, that was the only place I hadn’t looked. It only took a moment to confirm that they weren’t there either.
For a moment I played out the frantic time at the house loading the car and moving the excess to Lola’s house. They had been in the right pile, but honestly...either one of us could have inadvertently left them behind. Crap. Crap, crap, crap. Like the pump cord I already replaced, it’s not as though I could just run to the store to get more. Feeling a bit dejected already this morning, I headed back in the house empty handed.
Grace: Hey, I thought you went outside for bags?
me: Yeah….about that...they aren’t there.
Grace: Oh no. Now what? Is there someone you can call?
me: Not on a weekend. And I can’t keep reusing this one. It’s not safe. I suppose I can try to run boiling hot water through it for tomorrow morning, but I’m screwed for Monday.
We were quiet for a moment. Grace looked completely bewildered. Although she was just as proficient at problem solving as I was and worked for a pharmaceutical company, she knew not
hing about medical supplies, nor did she have access to any.
me: Well...I’m thinking that if Shane is still in jail tomorrow morning that he’s probably not getting out. He’s been in jail since Wednesday night and bail was set on Thursday morning. If someone was going to get him out, it would have been done by now, I think. So, tomorrow it will be safe to go home. I can get everything I need from Lola. I can stay in the house at least until the court date...maybe longer.
The wheels were turning. I had hope once more. Funny, it always takes so little for me to find it, so little for me to hang onto. That was how our relationship had lasted this long. We’d have a bad day or two and then...he’d be nice. I’d hang on, thinking more days would be like that. He’d be moderately happy and not suck the joy out of me. Over time, those days would get farther and farther between.
Too much of my time was spent trying to recreate those happy memories, trying to ensure he’d be happy so that I could. Was I so determined to make this work because I’d already had one failed marriage and was dangerously close to being J-Lo or Liz Taylor? My time was spent wondering when it was right to leave, so no one could suggest I hadn’t tried, hadn’t done everything within my power to make this marriage last. He didn’t cheat on me, exactly. He didn’t hit me, but that one time years ago. Did that really count? How could I label this man I loved as abusive?
Only...others around me did.
My goals had suddenly gone from the lofty ones of the self-actualized individual to basic human needs...food, clothes, and shelter. How had I fallen so far? Hadn’t I gone to college, graduated with a bachelor’s and master’s degree? In one of our last conversations, Shane had called me a charity case, said he had never wanted to marry me, that he did it because he felt sorry for me. It had hurt for a moment, but after I thought about it, I realized it wasn’t true, couldn’t be true because he would never suffer someone else’s burden, and never be attracted to anyone who wasn’t strong. How many times had I dusted myself off? I refused to let him make me feel weak.
Shards of My Heart Page 9