Shards of My Heart

  Rather than focus on the negative, I’d be positive and accomplish as much as possible today, while I had Grace.

  me: Let’s get our errands run. Today, we’ll sell the stroller, I’ll get a more compact model, and we’ll even look into phones. Tomorrow...if Shane is still in jail, I’ll go home.

  Grace: You can stay...just as long as you want, as long as you need to. Henry and I love having you here.

  me: I know, it’s just that everything I need is there. Obviously, I have a lot to consider, a lot to figure out.

  Grace: I get it. When do you want to run these errands?

  me: Soon.

  Just before we left, I checked on Sheriff.org and was pleased to once again see that I was safe. The longer he was locked up, the more certain I was that he would plot some sort of revenge. Years together had taught me that everything was my fault. It was amazing how he could twist things to suit his needs. Of course hearing it, didn’t mean I believed it. I was strong. I knew better.

  We dropped the big bulky BOB stroller off at the Once Upon a Child in Raleigh. Then we headed to the nearest Wal-Mart. Let’s face it, if I was going to get an inexpensive umbrella stroller, that was the place.

  We found one fast enough, which worked out well since Kylie was sound asleep in my arms and all eighteen pounds of her was starting to take a toll. In minutes, we had the one I was going to buy assembled and my sleeping baby hooked in it; then we looked at phones and phone plans.

  Did you know that you can use your iPhone from another carrier on the Wal-Mart plan with unlimited talk and data for under $50 a month? I didn’t. That really appealed to me. See, I had looked into Cricket, but buying a phone to go with their inexpensive plan would nearly break me at this stage. Finally, I had learned the value of constantly squirreling away money. I used to have to in my first marriage; I had a second secret account that all my bonus checks went into. At one point, I had thousands. Ahh...the good old days. Then I moved in with Shane and all that was spent trying to keep him happy. I had made the rookie mistake of adding him to all my accounts as a sign of trust since he had added me to all of his.

  Never again.

  Here I was, once more pulling my life together. Only this time, it is entirely different. Before, there were no time constraints. Now, there were. I could feel it, the constant pull, the nagging fear. My mind was constantly in overdrive as I wondered what I was forgetting, what I could do differently to improve our situation. Quite frankly, it sucked.

  Grace: So what do you think?

  me: Well, I think I’m going the Wal-Mart route with my phone. I won’t have to deal with adding contacts to a new phone. It’s so much work, when I already have enough on my plate. And I think I need to wait until I get home because I’m not sure I can keep my phone number and I want a 704 area code.

  Grace: Make sense, let’s go.

  After Wal-Mart, we went back to claim my money from Once Upon a Child. Even before walking in the store, I was able to predict what they would offer me for the BOB. So, I walked out with $75...just as I expected. Sure, in Charlotte we had been offered $200 once from a Craigslist post, had that offer been accepted, I wouldn’t have seen a dollar of it and it would have been spent before I had a chance.

  Our final stop was at a grocery store, we needed bread. (I love bread...major comfort food.) Grace had decided that tonight would be a lovely night for grilled chicken salads and bruschetta. There was even bubbly, a gift she had received after her last drug project won FDA approval.

  It was all easy breezy that being absorbed into their way of life seemed so...natural. Then we walked in the house, started talking to Henry about our day, pulled out the tomatoes to start the bruschetta, and all hell broke loose.

  A text from Lily started it.

  Lily: Oh, man. Looks like someone bailed out Shane.

  Admittedly, I was confused. How could she know before me? I was registered with Vine, they were supposed to let me know.

  Then my phone started ringing. The same number called repeatedly and since the Caller ID showed it was a Kansas number and the bottom had dropped out of my stomach after the text message, I was too busy to answer it.

  All I remember is bursting out in tears and racing up to the bonus room with Kylie in my arms. I set her on the floor to play and opened my laptop. My hands were shaking as I tried to load Sheriff.org, something I had done countless times since Wednesday night. Sure enough, he was out. It took several minutes of staring before it sunk in. When it did, I realized I couldn’t go home.

  The Kansas number continued to call. I had missed five already, so I answered this one. It was Vine letting me know that Shane had been bailed out, warning me to be safe. Only by entering my passcode would the calls stop. Honestly, I had created the code days ago, I only hoped I remembered it correctly. The automated system assured me I did.

  My phone rang again. This time, it was Lola.

  Lola: I wanted to make sure you knew that Shane was out.

  I sniffled several times.

  me: Yeah, I’m aware. How? Who bailed him out?

  The sound of her inhaling deeply before answering had me on edge.

  Lola: It was Corinne and Joel.

  Neighbors. They lived just a street away. Our little hood was tight, hanging out during the various seasons...hot chocolate, s’mores and bonfires on snow days; cookouts in the spring and summer, and fun in the fall. How could they?

  me: Lola, why would they do that?

  She sighed, a sound I knew well.

  Lola: They thought they were doing the right thing, that it was better for him to be out working than rotting in jail. Financially, they were worried about what would happen to you and Kylie.

  me: I’m furious. Corinne and I have been friends for years. She has my number...she calls, she texts, and it never occurred to her to check with me, or hell...check on me?

  Lola: I know. Evan and I are going over there in a minute to drop off the truck. It’s a good thing you left the keys with the kid.

  Yeah. That was a great plan. Now he was free, in the neighborhood, and had a vehicle. Awesome. Frickin’ great.

  me: I’ve gotta go.

  Lola: Don’t do anything...crazy.

  me: Ha. I think Shane does enough crazy for all of us. I’m just going to confront Corinne.

  As soon as I ended the call, I was sending Corinne a text...that turned into a series of texts.

  me: You felt sorry for him? I’m homeless with a special needs baby who can’t get her therapy. He broke her medical equipment, flipped her crib, and nearly hit her with a shoe. He hit me with a picture frame while I was holding her. He broke the Order of Protection within half an hour. I can’t be your friend anymore.

  Corinne: I’m sorry. Evan was talking to me about it and I figured it would be better if he was working and making money. I was thinking if he was sitting in jail it would leave all of you in a bad place. I didn’t realize how bad he was. I think he needs to go to a mental clinic. There are some serious problems. He thinks you came to see him in jail.

  me: I asked that he have a psych eval. I begged. He needs to get help. I live in fear. He isn’t working; he’s been sleeping 20 hours a day. If you had talked to me, you would know that I wasn’t being a vengeful bitch. He kicked me out, but refused to let me take Kylie.

  Then I remembered something super important.

  me: He had my phone turned off. DO NOT let him know I have this number, please.

  Corinne: I won’t.

  me: He is crazy. In jail, he had a chance at getting help and I had a chance to take care of Kylie. I’m living like a fugitive and in constant fear. He made some horrible threats.

  Corinne: I will try to get him a psych eval.

  me: You know how much I love him. How could you think I would just send him to jail? How could you not get that it was all our safety at stake. Do you know he threatened to kill his father not so long ago? This is why they don’t speak. He had lost it.

  Corinne: I tho
ught it was just another fight...didn’t think it was this serious.

  me: Yes, but you didn’t ASK. How could you do that without asking?!

  Corinne: I am sorry.

  me: I was trying to make provisions to keep everything paid while he was in jail. Now that’s not going to happen. The business is linked to my phone that he turned off.

  Corinne: He thinks everything is fine between you guys...he says you guys worked it all out.

  me: What the hell? Call me!

  Seconds later my phone rang. The conversation wasn’t much easier.

  Corinne: He is completely out of it. He thinks you spent all day at the jail talking to him through the glass. He said you two talked for twelve hours. He thinks he was in jail for eighteen days.

  me: Try three. It was three days.

  Corinne: I know. I’m just trying to tell you what’s going on with him. He swears you two are fine. He doesn’t understand why you aren’t together, why he can’t come home.

  My heart hurt. This strong man I loved despite his actions was broken.

  me: What have you told him?

  Corinne: Nothing, just that he can’t go home. He’s a mess. He can’t stay here. He has enough money to stay in a hotel. Evan and I are going to take him to one.

  me: He’s in no condition to be alone in a hotel if he’s like this. My God, he could be the next homeless guy walking around Charlotte. Don’t do that. You bailed him out. He’s your responsibility. He needs help.

  Corinne: I think I can get him to the mental hospital on Billingsley. As a nurse, I can explain that he’s going through Xanax withdrawal and needs medical help getting the dose right before he comes home so he doesn’t kill himself. Let me try that. I’ll let you know.

  me: Call me as soon as you know what’s happening.

  All these emotions were running wildly through me. It wasn’t even 8pm and still I was completely drained, all used up for the day. Like always, I would power through. This claim about men being the stronger sex...pure crap. Picking up Kylie, we went down for dinner.

  It was closing in on 8pm when I finally heard from Corinne. She sent a brief text.

  Corinne: Headed to Billingsley. Will call ASAP.

  So, I busied myself with helping Grace finish off the wine. It was nice having her around. I didn’t have to be on guard all the time, sometimes it was okay to relax and just be me. Kylie was resting in my lap, her night feed running, and the dog was lying on the other side of me.

  Ever so slowly, the labradoodle sniffed Kylie, then when he didn’t think she was paying attention, he licked her. I watched Kylie for a reaction.

  me: The puppy gave you kisses!

  She smiled up at me. Then, moments later, she had rolled over on my lap, leaned to bridge the distance to the dog and...licked him. The look of horror on her face, tongue still sticking out...quite possibly covered in dog hair. Soon we were all laughing. And for just a minute, I forgot that my life was spinning wildly out of control.

  Around 9pm, Corinne called back. Grace watched my reaction as I answered the phone. My instinct was to jump up from my seat to go hide in the study to talk, but since that would have meant repositioning Kylie and the dog, I remained seated.

  me: So what’s going on?

  Corinne: They are going to do an evaluation and decide if they are keeping him. Honestly, I don’t see any way that they aren’t keeping him. He was petting cats that weren’t there while I drove him.

  A whimper escaped my lips. It was impossible for me to picture this Shane that she was describing, but it helped soften my heart towards him, for sure.

  Corinne: He asked about you again.

  me: What was said?

  Corinne: He wanted to know when he was going to see you again. And I told him he hadn’t seen you, that you hadn’t been up to visit him in jail, that you haven’t seen him since you left.

  me: Why would you tell him that? Did you have to hurt him like that? I don’t want him completely shattered. He’s so fragile right now. Dammit.

  Corinne: Well, I thought he should know the truth.

  Seething, I longed to speak my mind to her, to let her know my feelings about her at the moment, the way she had jumped into a situation she shouldn’t have, the way she kept messing things up with her words. Beyond frustrated, I regretted my distance at the moment. Shane needed me, even if he didn’t know it yet. Of all those in his life, I was still the only one who cared about what was best for him.

  me: So what happens next?

  Corinne: If they keep him, it will be on a twenty-three hour hold. Then we’ll see what they do from there. I gave them my information so that they could let me know what was happening and I could tell you.

  Oh, hell no. If anyone was the point of contact, it would be me.

  me: Or you could have just given them my information.

  Corinne: Oh, I could do that, but don’t worry, I told them what’s going on.

  me: How could you possibly do that? You have no idea what’s going on. You don’t live with him. The doctors should be talking to me. You need to have them call me. That should have been the first thing you did after they took him back for the eval.

  Most people would have, but she loved being in the middle of things, loved being in the know, loved feeling important. Not for one second did I trust that she would do the right thing.

  Corinne: I have to let you go; Joel is calling me.

  Thus ended that call. I relayed the information to Grace, then sat back and waited for the questions that I was sure would come.

  Grace: Still going home in the morning?

  me: Yeah. He’s in Billingsley. There’s no way he’s getting out until at least late tomorrow night, although I doubt he’ll be out even then. This may take some time to repair.

  Grace: Okay, well, we’ll be going to church in the morning, home by 11am. Will I get to say goodbye?

  me: Of course, you need to be here since I can’t lock up.

  We tried to relax while watching some DIY television. Grace may have been calm, at least she always looks that way...but inside I was a wreck. I hate feeling out of control. That’s where I was at the moment. Everything in my life was under someone else’s control.

  It was after 10pm when Corinne called again.

  Corinne: Okay, they are keeping him. I tried to get him to sign a release so we would know what was going on and he refused. The nurse told me that his exact words were ‘she’s the last person on the face of the earth that I would want to know anything about me.’

  That made me laugh. It was the first evidence of strength I had seen from him in so long. More hope. Maybe he could get the help he needed. Maybe he would be better and still want us. The fact that he had imagined lengthy conversations with me where we worked through everything suggested that he still loved me. Maybe, just maybe those dreams of ours weren’t completely shattered. We could still pick up the pieces.

  me: Thank you.

  Corinne: I know you are ready to be done with me at the moment, but I am the signer on his bond. We’ll have to talk about that at some point.

  me: I know, but not tonight.

  After the call ended, I looked at Grace. She tilted her head as she looked at me and I knew what she was going to say even before she spoke.

  Grace: You know he may never be the man you want him to be, right? And I’m scared that you are going to keep giving him chances and that you’ll be hurt.

  me: I’ll be careful.

  There was doubt in her eyes. She gave me an empty smile.

  Grace: I know how much you love him, I’ve seen it. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.

  me: Thank you. I love you, Gracie.

  Grace: Love you, too, Nina. Now I’m heading to bed.

  me: Sleep well!

  Not long after she went in the bedroom to join Henry, I carefully stood and gathered up Kylie, her tubing and her pump for the walk up the stairs. The bonus room was so cozy that I felt at home the moment I entered it every tim
e. Or, it could just be knowing Grace was so close by. We had been best friends since the first day of sixth grade. No one knew me better or had seen me through more.

  Carefully, I tucked Kylie in and arranged her tubing to prevent clogs in the line and unnecessary beeps. Ever since the NICU she had been easily agitated by alarms. It made perfect sense.

  It was 11pm now and I’d not heard a word from the hospital. Again, my lack of patience was showing. Or maybe it’s just that I’m a doer, a go-getter. I don’t sit around waiting for things to happen, I make them happen. Because it was getting later and later, I just decided to call them. The hospital is open 24 hours a day, someone would answer.

  reception: 24 Hour emergency room, how can I help you?

  me: I’m trying to talk to the doctor who is taking care of my husband, Shane Powers.

  reception: Sure, what is the five digit code?

  me: I have no idea. A friend just brought him in a few hours ago. What other information do you want? I can give you lots of numbers, his age, date of birth, social security number, physical description, address...what?

  reception: Well, I can’t tell you if he’s here without that code.

  me: I’m not asking if he’s there. I know that he’s there. I was told the doctor needs to talk to me. Since it’s a 23 hour hold, I thought I should get right on that.

  reception: If he’s here, the doctor has your information and will call you shortly.

  me: I don’t know that the doctor has my information. That is why I called. Can I leave it with you?

  reception: Sure.

  So, I gave her my phone number.