Shards of My Heart

  Sitting down hard, I was stunned. How did I not know? I thought back over Sunday, remembering it too clearly.

  Shane had been cranky, so I brought Kylie out to play with all the kids in the neighborhood. They were all gathered in Lola and Evan’s yard and driveway. Soon Kylie was coloring on the concrete with sidewalk chalk, happy as can be. He had come outside, only as far as his truck to retrieve a fresh pack of cigarettes when I called to him and motioned for him to come join all of us and relax, have fun.

  He came over, all right, in a mood. Evan was relaying a story about the new owners of the house down the street. It wasn’t going to be a rental. No more tons of cars and unkempt yards, we hoped.

  Evan: Yeah, it’s a young guy.

  Shane: Oh, good, Nina can find her next husband and keep it in the neighborhood.

  Everyone was silent for a moment.

  me: That was uncalled for and really disrespectful.

  Shane: You’re mean.

  me: I’m serious.

  One of the other male neighbors piped up and assured him that his remark was completely out of line, that no man should ever say such things about his wife. With that, Shane had gone back home, and I was left to have everyone looking at me with pity. About an hour later, he had come over, all but ignored me while he spoke to Evan, and then announced that he was heading to the store, he’d be right back.

  We all knew how long these errands took with Shane. After he left, the guessing began as everyone predicted how long he’d be gone. It would be a while, I was sure. And I wasn’t disappointed, he was gone a good hour and a half. Not bad timing since he had clearly gone to two pharmacies to have scripts filled. Dammit. No wonder he snapped Monday. He was completely over medicated.

  So, I called the hospital.

  me: Hello, I’m calling regarding Shane Powers. I don’t have a number, but I do have a signed release on file. I’m Nina Powers, his wife.

  There was a sound of papers being shuffled before the nurse spoke.

  nurse: Yes, Ms. Powers. What can I do for you?

  me: Well, I was calling because I found more meds that I needed you to know about for his care.

  After explaining the large quantity of Somas he had eaten, I then talked to them about his pharmacies of choice and the doctors who were prescribing him the drugs. Yes, suddenly I was quite the narc. I didn’t have much choice. Without complete and total honesty, there was no hope for his recovery. Sometimes, we have to face the truth of our actions, our choices, and the damage we have done to our life and relationships before we can even try to move forward and heal. It was going to be a long hard road for Shane. For him, it was incredibly challenging to be honest with himself.

  nurse: Thank you. This will be very helpful.

  me: How is he? No one has told me anything yet.

  The nurse was quiet a moment while she considered her words.

  nurse: Well, he’s had a bit of a rough night. He was getting threatening with the staff, so we had to sedate him.

  She was dressing it all up pretty, but I knew what she meant.

  me: So you had to give him a shot.

  nurse: Yes, but he was very cooperative. He’s sleeping comfortably now.

  In my mind, I could completely picture it. I knew what he was like. This wasn’t requiring any stretch of my imagination. Shaking my head, I tried to rid myself of those images.

  me: Okay, thank you.

  After that call, all I wanted to do was snuggle with Kylie and sleep. So that is precisely what I did.

  About 4am, I woke up freezing...at least my nose was. Concerned, I checked Kylie, but since she had been snuggled in my arms, facing me, she was toasty warm. That was reassuring; I couldn’t think of a worse time for her to get sick. Since I was already wide awake, I figured I might just as well start working.

  Force of habit had me going through my emails, then double checking my social media before dipping into my list of assignments. At the moment, I needed to feel successful, so I was sure to complete one of the easiest assignments first. It was a parenting post for Yahoo!. Finally, a chance to talk about something I was still good at.

  The rest of the morning passed quickly as I tried to catch up on assignments. All the time away from the internet and traveling had me very behind. Normal...felt really good...being home, writing, and taking care of Kylie...this was my life. It felt good to be back to it.

  As soon as it was light out, I called the hospital, not that it would have mattered if had called earlier, I just wanted to speak to the day shift.

  me: Has Shane asked to speak with me? Is he allowed to make phone calls?

  nurse: Yes, he is. And I’m not sure if he’s asked. I wasn’t on yesterday.

  me: Can you make sure he has my number?

  nurse: Of course.

  For some reason, I had little faith in that response. It seemed to me these nurses were accustomed to placating people. Now, I was one of them. It didn’t feel good.

  Mid-morning, my phone rang. It was him.

  Shane: Hi.

  He sounded so...broken.

  me: How are you?

  Shane: I’m good. It’s the meds.

  me: Okay. Do you need anything?

  Shane: Yeah, but they won’t let me have any of my own things yet.

  me: I’m trying to come see you tonight. They won’t let Kylie in, but I’m trying to visit. If not, I’ll see if Evan can come with me so you can see a friendly face.

  Shane: Sounds good.

  me: I’ll see you later.

  In the afternoon, Kylie and I went grocery shopping. It was so fun buying foods that I like. Shane tends to be really picky. Suddenly, I could eat something that wasn’t chicken. Vegetables were purchased, along with such decadent items as shrimp and Pepsi. It felt normal and new. Somewhere along the way I realized that I...was happy.

  This happiness continued into the afternoon when Evan returned from work, followed soon after by Lola and then we all sat outside and talked until 5pm.

  me: So Evan, you don’t mind going with me tonight? I’m not sure if they will let me in, but either way he sees a familiar face. If they do you will have to hang out with Kylie.

  Evan: I love little ones. What time are we leaving?

  me: Visiting hours are from 6-8pm...so..6pm?

  Evan: Sounds good. Just holler and I’ll be ready to go.

  So, I killed that hour by feeding the baby, and gathering her things. It didn’t take long before Shane called.

  Shane: When are you coming?

  me: We’re leaving at 6pm.

  Shane: Can you bring me clean boxers? I’d really like some clean underwear.

  me: Sure!

  It was important to me that I feel useful, like I was helping him. This was small, but enough.

  We were quiet on the drive, but for completely different reasons. I’m sure that Evan was uncomfortable going to a mental hospital. For me, I was concerned about seeing him for the first time in eight days. There were so many questions swirling through my head. Sure, he had been nice on the phone, but what if he still harbored ill-will toward me when he saw me? Well, at least now I’d know, but this wouldn’t be easy, no matter what.

  After using the phone outside the locked wing and waiting for several minutes, a nurse came to let me in. It felt like I was holding my breath while I waited for her to deny my access. Instead, she examined me and made an announcement.

  nurse: You need to close that sweater. No skin showing at all here. Leave your purse and the baby stays.

  That was all warm and fuzzy, so I was really looking forward to being in the ward itself, but at the same time...she was letting me in! So, I passed Kylie to Evan, along with my purse and the toys I had brought to entertain her with. He turned to walk to the waiting area across the hall that had a children’s play area. At the moment, it was vacant.

  me: I’ll be back soon.

  Pausing, I watched as they walked away. Kylie seemed fine, she hadn’t looked back. That helped
me to stay strong as I walked through the maze of halls until we reached a desk.

  nurse: Sign in here. Sign out when you leave.

  Nodding, I did as I was told and waited for someone to show me where to go from there. Another nurse led me to this open room where a bunch of patients were meeting with family members and friends. There in the back of the room, sat Shane.

  I walked to him as calmly as I could through the tables and chairs. He stood to greet me with a tentative hug. For the first time, I examined him. He was wearing hospital scrubs, the mint green ones that separated the patients from the dark blue scrubs of the staff. His beard and mustache were closely cut, but he had a horrible shaving rash, since his skin was so sensitive and he hadn’t had any of his toiletries. I glanced up and realized that he had a horrible wound on his face covered by a huge bloody bandage.

  me: What happened?

  Shane: Shaving.

  There was nothing to say, so I nodded. When I looked up, he was studying me and had a strange look on his face.

  me: What’s up?

  Shane: Just looking at you.

  Reaching out, he held both my hands in his. His touch felt really cold compared to the warmth I was used to feeling from him.

  Shane: You look...fuzzy.

  me: Oh?

  Shane: Yeah. It’s the drugs. I’m not sure what I’m on, but they make me sleepy and everything looks fuzzy.

  me: How do you feel otherwise?

  Shane: Calm.

  Suddenly, he looked up for a moment and a light came on in his eyes for the first time since he saw me.

  Shane: Kylie? How’s my baby?

  Beaming, I started telling him how amazing she is, on the off chance he’s forgotten.

  me: She’s out in the waiting area with Evan right now.

  A surprised look passed over his face.

  me: Well, I was out of options. I wanted to see you and Brynn is so far away. She isn’t the kind of baby that a lot of people want to be responsible for. This way, she’s close if she needs me.

  Nodding, he stood and seemed to remember something.

  Shane: Would you like a drink?

  me: Sure, what are my options.

  Shane: Water.

  me: No, I’m good.

  Shane: Okay.

  Moments later he returned to the table with two cups of water. Without saying a word, I took the one he passed me and sipped from it. I turned my head to locate the only clock in the room and realized that just on the other side of the knee wall sat about five nurses, two orderlies, and one guard, all watching every movement of the individuals in the open room. Turning my attention back to Shane, I saw he was leaning back, struggling to keep his eyes open.

  me: It’s time for me to go.

  Shane: I’m going to bed.

  Standing, I waited for him to walk me out. For a moment he struggled, then was at my side. His hand was on my lower back as we walked out toward the desk. We reached a fork in between the wards, he paused. Leaning over, he gave me an almost chaste kiss on the lips followed by a tender hug.

  Shane: See you tomorrow, unless they let me out?

  me: Sure. We’ll talk in the morning. Call me.

  Then he headed down the other hall toward his room, and I walked to the desk to sign out.

  Bright and early in the morning, Shane called me full of excitement.

  me: What’s going on?

  Shane: I think they are letting me go home today or tomorrow.

  me: Okay. Wow.

  There was much that needed to be said. First, I wasn’t convinced anything had changed. He hadn’t had any therapy. I still hadn’t spoken to any doctor. There was no way he could come home with the Order of Protection in place. The final court date on that was Thursday. As soon as we ended the call, I called the hospital back and asked to speak to his nurse.

  me: Is he being released today?

  nurse: No, ma’am.

  me: Why does he think he’s being released?

  nurse: We’re transferring him to the long term care unit.

  With a sigh, I considered the ramifications of this news.

  me; Have you thought about what this kind of disappointment can do to someone in his state?

  nurse: I just do what I’m told.

  me: I get it. Who do I need to speak with?

  nurse: The social worker will call you soon. She doesn’t have a voicemail or an office, so I can’t transfer you.

  me: Okay.

  For some reason, I rushed through my work after that, doing as much as possible while I waited for my phone to ring. Just after I stepped out of the shower, that call finally came from a social worker named Maria.

  The conversation began with me sharing once again everything I had said so many times before. It felt like I was getting nowhere. Rarely did I get a straight answer. This frustrated me to no end.

  Maria: Well, I’ve asked you a lot of questions. Do you have any questions for me?

  me: Actually, yes. When do you think he’ll be getting out and when is the doctor going to speak to me?

  Maria: I’m not sure. We haven’t finished creating a care plan for him. The doctor is concerned that he is withholding information, so she won’t even consider letting him go until he lets everything out. As for the release...when he is released, does he have anywhere to go?

  me: Not really. No.

  Maria: Now, I know about the Order of Protection. We have discussed that one possibility for him is to complete an intensive 90 Day Outpatient Program. In order for him to do this, it would be best if he were able to be back in the home.

  There it was. Involuntarily, I let out a sigh.

  me: You need to understand that it’s not just about me; we have a baby. What kind of guarantee do I have that he’ll be safe to be around when he comes out? I’d need to have the order lifted and I don’t know how comfortable I am with that.

  Maria: What if we have him in a court mandated program? He would have to complete it or go back to jail. Coming back here wouldn’t be an option.

  me: And he would be aware of this? He’d know that he was in jeopardy of going back to jail?

  Maria: Absolutely. You would be safe because with a single call, he would be back in jail.

  Right. That might be comforting to some, but in reality I knew that didn’t guarantee our safety.

  me: Let me think about it.

  Half an hour later, I was back on the phone with Shane.

  Shane: So, I’m not going home for a couple of days, but I am one step closer. Can you come tonight?

  me: I’ll try.

  Shane: Could you bring me some sleep pants and socks?

  me: Absolutely.

  Again I found myself offering assurances that I wasn’t in a position to give. Crap. So, it was time to reach out to Brynn. She was hardly ever near her phone, but I knew I could message her and hear from her quickly through Facebook.

  me: Wanna pack up Max and come stay a few days?

  Within minutes, she had responded with a phone call.

  Brynn: Max has a doctor appointment this morning. Want to pick us up after lunch?

  me: I’d love to!

  It was so nice having friends with kids. That made me feel less isolated, sharing the parenting with others who were going through similar issues. Since Max was only a month old, Brynn loved using me as a resource, too.

  When I picked up Brynn, I warned her about the temperature.

  me: It’s great during the day, but it can get chilly at night. We have plenty of blankets and you can have the spare room, which is always toasty warm. You two will be fine. And we can work on the thermostat tomorrow.

  Brynn: You don’t want to do it now?

  me: Honestly, I can only handle so much in one day right now. I have to leave the house in the next two hours. We need to pick up food for dinner. I shopped for one yesterday.

  Nodding she seemed to understand. It was quiet for but a second before all hell broke loose in the back seat. Max starte
d crying...for no obvious reason. Then, because he was crying so insistently, my sensitive sweetheart began wailing. Max cried harder, but this time, we understood, Kylie had thrown a toy at him...her effort to shut him up or her poorly executed effort to share. I’d like to think it was sharing, but I could be wrong.

  We couldn’t get home fast enough.

  Before leaving at 6pm, I made sure Kylie was fed and our meal was planned. Brynn had promised to start it when I called to say I was headed home. At the last minute, I grabbed a Target bag and stuffed a pair of his sleep pants in it along with some socks, per his request. The drive was already becoming too familiar to me and I didn’t like it. Even less did I enjoy leaving Kylie in the evenings. That was a special time for us where we snuggled and patted her like I had been trained to do in the NICU. Instead, I was driving to see my husband...who had terrorized us, abused prescription drugs, and shattered my trust and my heart with his actions, leaving me as broken as the shards of green glass in our broken windows. Part of me questioned why I was being so nice to him, why I was leaving my baby to go to the hospital. The other part knew that I had no choice, this was who I was. Life had trained me to go where I was needed to provide help and comfort where I could. My one concern was that I was making the wrong choices.

  Shaking off those thoughts, I stepped from the vehicle and walked to the front entrance of the building. Nodding, I passed the information desk, recognizing the same face I had seen the night before. With the kind of confidence that comes from familiarity, I punched the phone number to the new wing and announced who I was visiting. Then I waited.

  To prevent annoyance, I used their Wi-Fi to check out my emails and Facebook. Several nurses passed through the doors with their cards, asked who I was there to visit and promised to come back and get me, but no one showed. After waiting for twenty minutes, I had completely lost my patience...and called again.

  me: This is my second phone call.

  nurse: Yes, ma’am, we’re just trying to find the release he signed.