Shards of My Heart

  me: So, not only you are admitting that you lost paperwork moving from one hall to the next, but you are also admitting that you haven’t figured out it would have been faster by now to have him sign a new release? I’ve been waiting here for over twenty minutes.

  There was a pause. Obviously my rant was laced with enough truth for the nurse to realize that they had overlooked the obvious...just have the patient sign a new form.

  nurse: Someone will be right out to get you, ma’am.

  me: Thank you.

  My words were crisp, not even remotely reflecting what they usually conveyed. I paced and fielded a call from Brynn who wondered where I was. Finally, there was a nurse opening the door. It was a male nurse who took my purse and phone, then passed me a key from the small room next to the entry door.

  We walked in silence through the maze of halls to get to a new front desk. As I signed in, I saw Shane coming over from the big open Day Room behind me. He stood by my side as the nurse who let me into the unit went through the items in the Target bag.

  nurse: Okay, these pants won’t work. See? Lace in the waistband. Do you want me to remove it?

  They were one of Shane’s favorite pairs of fleece ones. His face had a look of concern as he reached for them.

  Shane: Let me see if they will stay up without them. I don’t want my pants falling down in here.

  He offered a shy smile. This surprised me because that was such a rare expression on his face. After a moment of fiddling to hold the pants to his waist, he realized it probably wouldn’t work and passed them back. Then the socks were pulled out and passed to him.

  Shane: Thank you.

  He looked at me and for the first time, I saw him...old Shane. It had been so long since I had seen him looking coherent, sounding calm. Placing a hand on my lower back, he walked me into the already crowded room. We found two seats together along the far side of the room. After sitting, he spoke.

  Shane: I didn’t think you were coming.

  me: Oh, I’ve been here for over twenty-five minutes.

  Looking confused, he waited for the rest of the explanation.

  me: They lost your release form and weren’t going to let me in without it.

  Smirking, he let out a chuckle.

  Shane: So this would be why I had to sign a new one. I thought they just needed it because I was in a different unit.

  Hugging me close for a moment, he pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

  Shane: It’s really good to see you.

  me: I know. It’s good seeing you, too.

  Shane: I should be getting out tomorrow.

  me: Well, I haven’t spoken to the doctor, but the social worker tells me that she won’t let you leave until she feels you have been completely forthcoming.

  Frustration clouded his face.

  Shane: I have been. You know I don’t like talking about me, but I’ll do whatever they want me to do.

  me: Good.

  That’s pretty much how the conversation went. We kept it light. There was little to discuss. It seemed like it would be painful to share with him what was going on in the world that he wasn’t a part of and it was just as troublesome for me to hear what was going on in the unit. Already I knew that there were groups all the time to occupy their time, but that he didn’t think they were helping, that he hadn’t learned anything new and profound to impact his future. The meds he was currently taking did seem to work well, and he was attributing his improved mental health entirely with that. I was certain that played a huge role, but he would need the follow through, the therapy, learning new strategies for dealing with his anger, a complete attitude adjustment for us to have a chance...if we wanted one.

  Our visits were short, since that was all either of us could handle and because Kylie really needed me to be home with her. He walked me to the desk to sign out and was sure to give me a huge hug this time.

  Shane: I hate that I’m not going home with you. I miss you both so much.

  me: I know, but look at the positive. This is like dating. We’re getting to know each other all over again.

  Shane: How do you like me? This me.

  me: So much better than the last Shane I lived with.

  Nodding, he made a huge admission.

  Shane: I like this Shane, too. I don’t want to be angry anymore.

  With that, a nurse walked me from the unit and let me use my key to get my purse and phone. Immediately, I began checking my phone for missed calls and messages. Apparently, Kylie had not handled my absence well...which was not what I needed to hear. As soon as I reached the car, I called Brynn.

  me: I’m finally on my way home. Sorry it’s taking so long.

  Brynn: Kylie had a meltdown. She just now stopped crying. I’ll start dinner!

  That left me the remainder of the drive to think, to consider the conversation, and prepare for the next day. No doubt it was going to be a busy one.

  It was a different kind of morning. Sure, Kylie and I slept together in the living room, but now we had another adult and a newborn under the roof. Having extra people around was a mixed bag. I rather enjoyed knowing that I had a built-in sitter, but I rather detested having more work. Most of the time, I’m the hostess with the mostest, so while Brynn contributed, it also meant that I had to do things differently than I normally might have.

  me: Let’s go run errands and take a walk afterwards. It’s a beautiful day.

  Brynn: Great idea!

  There was something about taking a walk that really appealed to me. Fresh air and open spaces, the mindless act of keeping my body in motion was just what I needed to clear my head and organize my thoughts. With a plan in place, we moved pretty quickly to get ready. Once we showered, and everyone was dressed and fed, we loaded the babies in the vehicle to head to Home Depot. While I was stuck on the phone, wandering around with Kylie asleep in the stroller, looking for thermostats, Brynn did the smart thing and asked the nearest associate.

  We paused in front of a long shelf of thermostats. Man, this sucked. I shouldn’t have to be doing this. A million things I could be accomplishing and I’m replacing what was, a little over a week ago, a perfectly nice and fully functioning thermostat. So, I stared at them, all together, individually, and finally found one that resembled the one in the hall. It was $60. As much as I hated paying for it, it was necessary. There was no way that we could stay in the house without heat for any length of time, winter was coming. Even in the south it wasn’t uncommon for the temperatures to fluctuate thirty or forty degrees throughout the day, so that it was even around or below freezing at some points in the night. Add to that the still broken windows with their flapping plastic that I didn’t know how to fix, and it was a great combination for sickness.

  Once that was purchased, we walked the distance through the Centrum Parkway shopping plaza to reach K-mart. There, I searched for sleep pants. Yes, I passed Steinmart and TJ Maxx for K-mart...and this is why: I just spent $60 on a thermostat. The sleep pants weren’t going to be fancy, they were going to be functional...without a string.

  The selection there was rather impressive. I pulled pair after pair off the racks...completely skipping over the cartoon figures, the movie ones, and the skulls and camo. Now we were left with plaid flannel and plain thermal. Finally, I settled on plain dark blue thermal.

  me: Do we need anything else?

  Looking sheepish for a moment, Brynn finally responded.

  Brynn: You need a new brush.

  me: No, I don’t. I’ve had the same brush for years.

  Brynn: About that… *sigh* I may have dropped it on the tile in the bathroom and it may have split down the middle.

  me: So my brush is dead?

  She nodded.

  Brynn: And snacks! We need snacks.

  So, we went to find a new brush for me...Conair, purple, with a companion travel brush. Sweet! Oh, and sweets...Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. There was Carmex lip balm in the checkout lane that I picked up. Suddenly, I w
as feeling super hungry.

  me: Lunch?

  By the time we returned to the house in the afternoon, I was feeling calmer than I had in days. Then the phone rang.

  Marie: Have you given any more thought to our discussion about changing the order? When is your court date?

  me: Tomorrow. I have to be there for the afternoon session. And yes, I have considered it. Tell me what’s going on there.

  Marie: Well, I just finished speaking with the doctor. She wants to speak with you, but she’s very busy. She has your husband on some new meds and he seems to be responding well. He’s finished coming off the Xanax. He seems to be trying to share more, but he’s still reluctant.

  me: I’m not surprised. Do you have a set discharge date in mind?

  Marie: Usually, we like to give it some time to make sure that the meds are right. We talked today about letting him out in a week. The earliest would be next Wednesday when we have court. There’s a mental health court here that he would have to plead his case at. They will set the terms of his discharge and he should be able to go home from there.

  me: So, he wouldn’t be out until next Wednesday, at the earliest?

  Marie: Right. As for tomorrow, I can fax you proof of hospitalization for court.

  My heart was racing as I considered all she had said. I would definitely need that letter. Another week would make me feel better...safer. They would know for certain that he was stable.

  me: You know he thinks he may be getting out today?

  Marie: Yes, we know.

  me: I’m worried about how he is going to handle the constant disappointment of having his discharge postponed, but maybe this is what you need to see...a meltdown...to appreciate what living with him has been like.

  Marie: Absolutely.

  me: So, if he’s not getting out until Wednesday, I feel confident that you will have his meds under control and his therapy may have taken hold.

  That’s how I ended up agreeing to let him come home. I had a week to mentally prepare, to catch up completely and maybe even get ahead. Brynn wouldn’t be able to stay that entire time, but since our visits tended to last about fifteen minutes, I didn’t see the need to kill myself to get there every day.

  The fax machine hummed to life, announcing that Marie had kept her word and I had the paperwork I needed to take with me to the court. It was a small consolation. After the hearing tomorrow, I would be taking Brynn home, and would be home alone once more with Kylie. To some degree, I was really looking forward to it.

  That’s when Brynn interrupted my thoughts.

  Brynn: Any chance we are going to get the thermostat installed today?

  me: Not by me, it’s getting late and I need to get ready to leave. If I get to the hospital early, we can have dinner at a decent time.

  As soon as I buckled my seatbelt and backed out of the driveway, I called Jules. We hadn’t talked in a few days since I had been out straight.

  Jules: So, what’s happening?

  me: Well, they have convinced me to get the order changed so that he can come home.

  I heard her inhale sharply and knew I was going to get it. One thing I appreciated about her was that she never held back, always spoke her mind.

  Jules: They are lying to you. It’s not safe. How are you even protected if he’s living with you?

  me: Well, if he steps out of line, I call the police and they take him to jail. It’s like the ultimate time out.

  Jules: It’s not that simple. Please reconsider.

  She might be right, but I still felt like my hands were tied.

  me: I’m doing my best here, Jules. Please understand.

  She sighed.

  Jules: I do understand. I know this is hard and I’m trying to help you.

  me: I know you are, but it’s not that simple.

  There was a reason for that...several really. Love. For some reason I still loved him. Most of all, hope. I really wanted to believe that he could be better, that we could have the life he promised me on our wedding night. I wasn’t ready to give up, to admit defeat, to let go of that dream.

  This time my Target bag was full of goodies. He had requested the night before that I bring deodorant and body wash, more boxers and socks, so I had packed that in with the new sleep pants. Given my assurance that he would be in there for a while, it only made sense to make him as comfortable as possible.

  Access was granted to me much faster than it had been the night before. Because I had brought him everything he had requested, including proper sleep pants, I was feeling pretty confident and happy. While he was, to an extent, I could feel his underlying misery. Underneath, he was seething. I could feel it. The cause was obvious. Shane didn’t want to be here anymore. There it was...he hadn’t even been released yet, but he was already losing his temper, gripped once more by depression.

  Silent tears dripped down my face in the Day Room. Never do my tears garner his sympathy, change his feelings or impressions. My tears were an annoyance, yet still I couldn’t stop.

  Shane: What’s your problem?

  me: Seriously, I know you blame me for everything. Still, all I have done is try to help you get the treatment you need, get the therapy you need, move heaven and earth to have someone to take care of Kylie so I can be here for you. I’m moving heaven and earth to make our life work and instead of being appreciative and looking for the best you want to be miserable and make me miserable. This is the last night I’ll be able to come see you. This is how you want me to feel?

  Shane: Why is this the last night?

  me: I had Brynn stay until after court. Tomorrow I’ll have to take her back.

  Shane: Brynn is staying with you?

  me: You haven’t given this any thought at all, have you? It’s always about you. Meanwhile, Kylie and I are staying in a house with broken windows and no thermostat. What do you think that’s like? Think that’s safe for her? I’m making the best of the situation, even given that I don’t have an IV pole.

  He just stared at me like he didn’t know what to say.

  me: Tomorrow, I have court and I’m supposed to tell the courts that I want the Protective Order revised so that you can live in the house because you are so much better, but you are still being a jerk, still angry. Why should I?

  Staring at the floor for a moment, he finally looked up at me. He was hunched over, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped around a pair of spare socks that I had given him. It took him a moment before he spoke.

  Shane: I...didn’t think. I’m just miserable here. Everyone here is crazy. I’m not.

  Nodding...I watched him, waited to see if he had more to say. When it was clear he didn’t, I stood. Recognizing the signal, he walked me to the desk. That was when he finally found his words.

  Shane: Thank you for coming.

  me: You’re welcome.

  That was my last visit to the hospital.

  Brynn had laundry to do before bed. Apparently Max had peed through every outfit she had packed and most of his blankets. While she worked on that, I sat on the couch and worked on some of my freelance projects. Kylie was asleep beside me while Max was resting in the porta-crib. He was safer there where Kylie couldn’t bother him.

  Sitting on the other end of the couch, I glanced at Brynn and realized that she was exhausted. At the moment, she was clearly struggling to stay awake.

  me: Why don’t you rest? You already have bottles made. I’ll feed him and change him if he needs it. When is he due to eat again?

  Brynn: Not until 4am.

  me: No worries, I’ve got this.

  Brynn: He’s only in a diaper right now, wrapped in a blanket.

  me: Okay, I’ll dress him when the laundry is done.

  Really, it didn’t take any convincing at all. She passed out within minutes and Max started fussing soon after that. After setting the laptop back on the end table, I stood and went to check on the fussy little boy. All I needed was for him to wake Kylie. The minute I picked him up, he settled
down. We walked back over to the couch and I laid him on my chest. Max snuggled in immediately and went back to sleep. Balancing him on my chest, with Kylie cuddled against my thigh, I managed to get out the laptop and get back to work.

  This was probably the very best part of my day.

  Morning was spent mostly killing time and trying to figure out how to install the thermostat. When Shane called, I had tried to get his help, but his suggestions hadn’t worked. It was frustrating. It was looking like Evan was going to be called in for support on this after he returned from work.

  Finally, I snuck out of the house at 12:30, since Kylie seeing my exit was never a good idea for Brynn. The half hour drive went quickly and I parked...ever so carefully...in the parking deck. I wasn’t sure I’d get another warning. After walking across the street and entering the courthouse, I stepped in line at the security checkpoint for the building. There was a lot of noise that I suddenly started paying attention to. Apparently the guards had decided to break up the monotony of their job by quizzing everyone as they passed through. It was more of a poll, really.

  guard: Who is Don Qui-hoto?

  (Hey, that’s what it sounded like when he said it.)

  He seemed to really enjoy that each person was getting it wrong. Honestly, it was rather funny watching him...on account of the fact that he wasn’t even pronouncing the character’s name correctly. Then after he marked down on the paper that the person was wrong, he asked where they went to school.

  People were making excuses, left and right, trying to not feel stupid, which clearly was partially his intent. As it grew nearer to my turn, I couldn’t help but think how ironic it was that I was being quizzed on a protagonist that went crazy and battled windmills while dealing with the craziness in my life.

  He looked me in the eye and I really almost felt guilty about killing the sparkle in his.

  guard: Do you know who Don Quixoto is?

  me: Actually, it’s Don Quixote, he battled windmills, and I was educated in New York.

  I’m pretty sure he was completely stunned as I walked through the metal detector. When I reached the other side and put my hand out to grab my purse, the guard waiting on that side gave me a handshake instead.