How to American
Page 13
Acting is like a never-ending job interview. You have to constantly prove yourself through the grueling audition process just to get another day of work. There are so many elements that are out of the actor’s control. They could have chosen someone else for the job because I was too short, too young or too weird-looking. Acting is the only job where physical discrimination is allowed. I once auditioned for something with the character description “NO FAT PEOPLE!!!” in caps with three exclamation marks. Ironically, it was for a McDonald’s chicken nuggets commercial. I never try to look for the reason why I didn’t get a job; I just try to do better in the next audition. Dwelling on an audition is like dwelling on a girl who told you she’s emotionally unavailable. It’s best to move on or, as my agent Jane would say, “On to the next!”
Eight months and twenty-five auditions went by and I had completely forgotten about the Deep Tech audition. During that time, I booked a guest star role on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and a small part on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.; things seemed to be going well. All of my comedian friends thought I was killing it, popping up on different TV shows, but I felt stuck doing one-off bit parts on different shows. I felt like a foster child, getting passed around to different families, except I was an adult who had to pay rent. I was getting paid SAG-AFTRA union minimum scale, which was the lowest amount you could legally pay a union actor. It was a little over nine hundred dollars per day. That might sound like a decent payday for one day of work, but an actor would be lucky to work more than two days a year. I started to panic about my stagnant career. Making nine hundred bucks twice a year wasn’t exactly the Hollywood dream I had envisioned. I’d been to more than a hundred auditions at this point, and I’d booked a total of five small guest-star roles, a couple commercials that never aired and a movie I was cut out of. I had auditioned for everything from a Chili’s commercial to Dog with a Blog. Is this going to be the rest of my life—pretending to eat buffalo wings in Chili’s and auditioning to talk to a dog on a Disney kids’ show? Here is the audition log I kept:
1.
7/20/2011
Project Network
Host, Hip slacker dude host, Ethnic looking
2.
8/2/2011
Wakey Wakey
Loud Japanese host
3.
8/9/2011
Radical
Taiwanese 20, looks like 12, computer geek
4.
8/24/2011
Us & Them
Chinese restaurant owner
5.
8/24/2011
Samsung
Journalist/ DJ
6.
9/6/2011
Eagleheart
2 lines, Hipster
7.
9/14/2011
Modern Family
young Asian guy, friend of Haley
8.
9/20/2011
Sony
Interesting real blogger
9.
10/4/2011
Baby Daddy
Series Regular, Tucker, ethnic friend
10.
10/7/2011
Walmart
Walmart employee, Speaks Mandarin
11.
10/18/2011
Community
Co-star, Glee club rapper/dancer
12.
10/19/2011
How I Met your Mother
2 lines, stoner
13.
11/1/2011
Oh Henry!
Office Worker
14.
11/2/2011
Franklin & Bash
2 lines, stoner
15.
11/8/2011
2 Broke Girls
2 lines, person in line
16.
11/9/2011
Whitney
2 lines, young hipster guy
17.
12/1/2011
Target
Attractive young Bachelor
18.
12/7/2011
Retail Energy in Texas
Bad Karaoke Singer
19.
12/9/2011
Chevy Malibu
Chinese driver, a young Tony Leung
20.
12/9/2011
Coca-Cola
Young, Attractive Chinese
21.
12/16/2011
Sprite
Chinese speaking DJ
22.
1/5/2012
McDonald’s
Asian artist, painter
23.
2/2/2012
Rocket Ship China
Hip, attractive Chinese boy
24.
2/3/2012
Banshee
Series Regular, kick ass computer hacker Tranny
25.
2/10/2012
Admissions
College Roomate, supporting, Andy Garcia indy film
26.
2/10/2012
BFF
Nerd, harry potter guy
27.
2/15/2012
Undateable
Series Regular, young pissed off guy
28.
2/21/2012
Toyota
Young Taco stand patron
29.
2/23/2012
Friend Me
Young Ethnic, poker player
30.
3/6/2012
In Living Color
Characters and Impressions
31.
3/21/2012
TW Cable
High School twilight fan
32.
3/21/2012
Modelo
All types beer commercial
33.
3/23/2012
TW Cable
High School twilight fan
34.
4/9/2012
Johnson
Young man, faithful to his girl
35.
4/11/2012
Chavez
Day Player, Filipino/Chinese workers
36.
5/4/2012
Liberty Mutual
Driver
37.
5/4/2012
Bunheads
Skinny mechanic
38.
5/10/2012
Nissan Altima
Husband
39.
5/10/2012
The Internship
computer geek
40.
5/25/2012
Bunheads
Recurring, cute high school boyfriend
41.
6/6/2012
Workaholics
2 lines, college kid
42.
6/7/2012
Go Daddy
awkward techie nerd
43.
6/13/2012
Microsoft
Young record executive, hip
44.
6/13/2012
Bunheads
Guest Star, young usher
45.
6/18/2012
Good Luck Charlie
2 lines, college kid
46.
6/20/2012
Volvo
Chinese Brothers
47.
6/20/2012
The Internship
Chinese Ping Pong Player
48.
6/21/2012
A Leading Man
Supporting, Chinese surfer guy
49.
7/6/2012
Samsung
Hip/Casual
50.
8/1/2012
Arrested Development
Recurring, Super Secretive, cold read
51.
8/20/2012
Crash And Bernstein
Recurring, Stoner Kid
52.
8/23/2012
Catonese Demo
Cantonese
53.
9/10/2012
T-Mobile
Band Guy
, good comedic timing/good actor
54.
9/20/2012
Toyota
Hipster
55.
10/1/2012
Goodwin Games
2 lines
56.
10/1/2012
Western Digital
Speak Cantonese
57.
10/9/2012
Marvin Marvin
2 lines, pissed off customer
58.
10/11/2012
Ford Fusion
Physical Improv, feat. Garfunkel & Oates
59.
10/22/2012
God’s Not Dead
Lead, Speak Chinese, Accent
60.
10/31/2012
Nike
Speak Mandarin, riding a bike (hip)
61.
11/6/2012
McDonald’s
Guy eating chicken nuggets
62.
11/7/2012
Full House 2
Plays violin, full concert attire
63.
11/15/2012
Need for Speed
Supporting, Computer whiz, friendly, sincere
64.
1/5/2013
McDonald’s
Sports Fan
65.
1/14/2013
Apple
Voice of Siri, in Mandarin
66.
1/16/2013
Larry Gaye
3 lines, lab tech
67.
1/24/2013
America’s Got Talent
Private audish, 90 sec standup
68.
1/28/2013
Castle
stoner PO Box guy, 4 lines
69.
1/29/2013
Happy Endings
2 lines, nice hair guy
70.
1/30/2013
Verizon
Proud son, a lot of dialogue
71.
2/11/2013
Good Luck Charlie
Nerd, chess club
72.
2/20/2013
The Mindy Project
Asian Video Game addict
73.
2/22/2013
Revenge of Green Dragons
Movie, Chinese Gangster
74.
2/27/2013
Chilli’s
Buddy/Neighbor
75.
2/27/2013
Deep Tech
Computer Programmer
76.
3/8/2013
Infamous 3 VO
Video Game, Chinese Pedestrian
77.
4/10/2013
The Gateway
Asian nephew, soft but wanna-be gangster type
78.
4/12/2013
Verizon
Hipster intern
79.
5/8/2013
Always Sunny
Lab tech, Chinese accent, Mandarin, guest star
80.
6/5/2013
Me Him Her
Weird Korean Jogger guy
81.
6/5/2013
The Walking Dead
Jack, stoner, teenager, meets his girl
82.
6/28/2013
Hello Ladies
Camera Guy/ Ronnie, wangster street guy
83.
7/2/2013
Scion
Hipster guy
84.
7/11/2013
Wayward Pines
Assistant secret service agent, eager, comic relief
85.
7/18/2013
Two and a Half Men
Seeking a job as assistant to Walden Schmidt
86.
7/22/2013
Shlub Life
Punk ass high school kid
87.
7/27/2013
Subway
sandwich artist
88.
7/29/2013
NBC Sketch Pilot
Sketch, characters
89.
7/30/2013
Alexander and the Terrible…
2 lines, Young Asian tech boss
90.
8/22/2013
Lenovo
Rock band member
91.
8/22/2013
Wonder Years
Older teen boy
92.
8/27/2013
Agents of SHIELD
Chinese teenager
93.
8/30/2013
Sean Saves the World
2 lines, IT call center, all ethnicity
94.
9/10/2013
NBC Scene Showcase
2 different scenes from comedy shows
95.
9/24/2013
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Korean Hacker guy, early 20s with British accent
96.
10/15/2013
Coca-Cola
Authentic Asian family. Mom and Dad came too.
Awesome
97.
10/18/2013
Hawaii Five-O
young Asian/Hawaiian Thug
98.
10/18/2013
Mixology
Fun party guy
99.
10/21/2013
Hot in Cleveland
uptight lawyer guy, giving a restraining order
100.
10/22/2013
Mappers
Asian high schooler
101.
10/25/2013
The Rebels
2 lines, High school kid
For my 102nd audition, I got another email from Jeanne McCarthy’s casting office. It was once again for the role of Jian Yang, now spelled with an a in Jin, and the show had changed its name from Deep Tech to Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley was already in production and this Jian Yang character had become a smaller two-line part in episode three. I later learned the original pilot was never shot and the script was completely rewritten. Not booking that first audition had nothing to do with me at all: the original Jin Yang was written out of the pilot in the process. It was like finding out your crush rejected you because she was actually a lesbian. I felt slightly better about myself.
I strolled into the McCarthy/Abellera casting office once again in my same sandals over socks, gray sweatpants and awkward chemistry T-shirt combo.
“This is Pied Piper.”
“Yes, this, here. Pied Piper.”
Two lines, one take, that was it. I read it on tape for Leslie Woo, one of the casting associates at Jeanne’s office who would later become a top casting director. Leslie said, “Thank you” and once again I drove home in my frumpy sweatpants. “On to the next!” I couldn’t tell you what I had for breakfast that day, or what I did after the audition, because I thought it was just another day. There was no callback or screen test after that audition, which is common for a part that small. The casting directors can’t waste their time calling back every little part on the show; usually the producers cast straight off of the audition videotapes.
Two days later, I got a call from Jane. “You got the part! It shoots for one day and it pays scale.” And that’s how I became Jian Yang. I was happy to make another nine hundred bucks, but there was something special about this two-line part. The creator of Silicon Valley was also the creator of Beavis and Butt-Head, my commencement speaker at UCSD, Mike Judge. When I was sitting in the audience as a hungover college student listening to that commencement speech, I had no idea I would become an actor; I was an economics major destined to be a miserable desk jockey. Five years later, I was at a table read, sitting across from the man who inspired me to pursue my dreams.
I EAT THE FISH
The table read took place at an unassuming conference room at the Culver Studios. I sat across from Mike Judge, the other producers, writers and the cast. I knew of Kumail Nanjiani and T. J. Miller from the stand-up world
. They were the guys who I’d looked up to, both having been series regulars on other TV shows and had their Comedy Central spots. I’d seen Zach Woods and Martin Starr in The Office and The 40-Year-Old Virgin and it was the first time I’d seen Thomas Middleditch, who played the lead role of Richard Hendricks. Nobody had heard of Silicon Valley yet, but each of them painted such a vivid picture of their distinct characters. There was an undeniable chemistry between the five of them that shone through with every written line and improvisation. They riffed off of each other even at the table read and they never missed a beat. It seemed like they had been doing this show for ten seasons.
Next to me was the late, great Christopher Evan Welch. The man was a master-class actor. I learned so much about comedy just from watching him at the table read. He portrayed the eccentric billionaire investor Peter Gregory. It was the first time I learned how silence could be just as funny as any sharply constructed joke:
“Have any of you…” Christopher pauses for a beat. “… ever eaten at Burger King?”
“Yes, why?” his business associate responds.
“Well…” He takes it in, as we eagerly anticipate his next words. “I was just driving past one. And while I know their market cap is seven-plus billion dollars I realize I am unfamiliar with their offerings.”
“You’ve never eaten at Burger King? Okay, but what does—”
Christopher swiftly cuts him off: “Is it popular among your peer group? Is it…” He stares at his associate for half a beat. “… enjoyed?”
He put pauses in places you wouldn’t expect and he gave every sentence a distinct rhythm. His cadence drew just as much laughs as the lines. Christopher was like a maestro conducting an orchestra of words. It was truly amazing.
I briefly met all the cast and producers after the read. Even though I only had two lines, everybody treated me like I was part of the family. Thinking this was my first and last chance, I went up to Mike Judge and introduced myself.
“Hey, Mike, I’m Jimmy. You were my commencement speaker at UCSD.”
“Really?” Mike was pleasantly surprised. “How was UCSD when you went there?”
“Super fucking boring. I hated it,” I blurted out how I really felt. Luckily, he laughed.