And the result? He turned it off by himself, and then he came to tell her that he had done it. So if you find yourself commenting again and again about your child’s negative behaviour, why not try looking at it in a different way? Be creative by seeing the positive and reacting to that.
“No, no, no!”
Whether we acknowledge it or not, most of our communication with our children involves asking them not to do things. This reminds me of The Mom Song by the American comedian Anita Renfroe, which was widely circulated on YouTube. She’s a mother with three children who condensed what she typically says to her children in twenty-four hours into a song lasting two minutes and fifty-five seconds – much of it saying ‘No’ to what all children love doing the most: Don’t make a mess … Don’t play with the glue … Don’t put that in your mouth … Don’t play ball games in the house … Don’t jump … Don’t eat with your fingers.
Yes, it is important for children to hear ‘No’ from time to time, but when it is the main word they hear at home, it won’t contribute to the attitude that you would like your children to have. When we hear ‘No, No, No’ we start to react negatively. We no longer respond to the issues any more, but to the constant limitations. So, what is the alternative?
First, be selective with your use of the word ‘No’. Understand that children can and should be children and that this comes with mess, running, jumping and the other things they do. Second, communicate some of the ‘No’s in a constructive way. At the end of the day, you want them to cooperate with you – not to create a power struggle. Here are a few examples:
Child: ‘Mum, can we play?’
Parent: ‘No, you should be ready for school by now!’ Replace this with: ‘After we’ve dressed, brushed our teeth and eaten, we can play.’
Child: ‘Dad, can I watch television?’
Parent: ‘No, we ‘re eating.’ Replace this with: ‘Yes. Once we’ve all finished eating and cleared the table you can.’
Child: ‘Mum, can we play with this puzzle?’
Parent: ‘No. Look at all of the Monopoly cards on the floor!’ Replace this with: ‘Yes. You’ve already put the Monopoly board inside the box. All you have to do is to put all the cards in too. Then we can play with the puzzle.’
Can you see how the alternative works on the motivation to cooperate? It doesn’t mean we do not say ‘No’ from time to time. It just means it’s not the only word we are saying!
Stigma creates identity
Your words create your children’s reality. For example, saying to a child ‘You are not responsible’ several times a day creates a child (and a future adult) who is not responsible. When you comment on your child’s personality (You aren’t kind ... patient ... responsible), they perceive it as a part of their identity. It becomes their ‘stigma’. Stigmatising like this isn’t productive. It is wounding and hurtful, and it kills motivation to change. When we tell our children what they are, it’s very challenging for them to grow from that. In their head, they say: If mum says I’m not responsible, then who am I to contradict it? And what can we say instead?
Let’s say your son stands with you before crossing the road and you notice that he puts one leg on the road, as if thinking to cross without checking whether it’s safe. Rather than saying ‘You’re so irresponsible. You mustn’t cross the road without checking’, you might comment on his behaviour, and then add what you expect from him in that situation. Describe what you would like to see, not what you do not want to see. The result will sound something like:
‘Crossing the road without looking carefully both ways is irresponsible behaviour. What do you think is sensible to do before crossing the road?’
‘Before crossing the road, we need to look both ways and listen carefully for the sound of cars and motorbikes. Only when it’s all clear is it safe to cross.’
This way the child can learn, and grow to act in a more responsible way. Now they will have the motivation to change their behaviour the next time they cross the road, or slice the bread, or pour the milk.
The test of time
Have you noticed that every time you hurry your children, they tend to slow down? So instead of rushing them, try giving them actual time limits, and communicate your expectations and their responsibility to be ready on time. This should, of course, be age appropriate. Here are some examples:
‘We’re leaving for school at eight-thirty. It’s eight-fifteen now.’
‘The birthday party starts at two o’clock and it’s one-thirty now.’
‘As soon as you finish your homework, you can go to your friend’s.’
‘We’re having dinner at six o’clock – when this hand reaches the number 12. Now it is ten to six, so you have ten minutes to play.’
Awakening cooperation
If you are like many of the parents who attend my workshops, you will recall with frustration the times when you asked your children to do something and they were off in their own world, not hearing your request even though you asked them five times within five minutes. Their child might be playing by themselves, or daydreaming, or watching TV, so I give this tip in every Positive Parenting lecture I facilitate. The parents’ reactions are always quite similar – they don’t believe it can be so easy! I challenge them to try it and share their results. The day after the lecture, I inevitably receive emails saying ‘It really works!’.
Think of it like this: when a child is in his or her own world, it is the same as when you are in a deep sleep (and we all know hard it is to wake up from a deep sleep). So the next time you find yourself in this situation, just ask – in a gentle voice (no shouting!):
‘Lily, can you hear (mummy’s/daddy’s) voice?’
Children usually nod their heads, but if they don’t, say it one more time. Then, in the same gentle and confident tone of voice, make your short request, and end it with a ‘Thank you’. The ‘Thank you’ encourages the child to fulfil the request and at the same time gives the message you are confident that they will do it. In other words, you ‘wake them up’ gently before asking something of them.
Wean off “Why?”
Why? … Why did you hit him? … Why are you crying? … Why do you look grumpy? … I would like to encourage you to wean yourself off the ‘Why?’ questions. Sometimes children feel what they feel without knowing why – exactly like you do! So when we ask ‘Why are you crying?’ the child often cries more! Sometimes the ‘Why’ is not important – as in the case of hitting. If there is a ‘good’ reason for the child to be angry, should they be hitting out? The ‘why’ isn’t relevant. So replace it by mirroring your child’s feeling, and help them to express that feeling in a more appropriate way. Here are some examples:
‘I can see that you’re very angry. Use words to explain what you’re angry about – not your hands. Tell me “Mummy, I’m very angry. I want to go for a sleepover but you won’t let me!” ’
‘I see that you’re sad. Is it because Grandma left? Do you want a hug?’
‘You look upset. Let me know if you want to talk about it’.
Preparing a plan
‘What are your plans for the day?’ This is a great question to start asking your children on a regular basis. Of course, they don’t control all the day’s activities, but they do have their own intentions. This question encourages them to think about the day ahead and make their own plans – independence and taking responsibility for one’s day starts here. You can also use this question when they share with you some challenge they are having. As British prize-winning science writer and author Roger Lewin says: ‘Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve’. You can begin by asking your children:
‘What do you think you should/can do about it?’
Choked by choice
Do you find it challenging when your children want to do things their way, but find it very frustrating to decide what th
eir way is? For some children, it might be choosing what to wear; for others, what to play with; still others will want only one kind of food (pasta, of course), or prefer to skip out on a hygiene task like brushing their teeth. With toddlers in particular, always be aware that asking open questions like ‘What do you want to wear/eat/play?’ and letting them choose can be an overwhelming and confusing proposition. Even for adults, making choices can be challenging – remember how you felt the last time you tried to choose between numerous brands of laptops in a shop. The message is: keep it simple. You can do this, and help your child, by providing only two options to choose from. For example:
‘Do you want the green or blue trousers today?’
‘Do you want scrambled eggs or an omelette for breakfast?’
‘Do you want to brush your teeth before or after getting dressed?’
Simple choices like this fulfil your child’s need to have a sense of control – and yours to stay sane!
The wonder of words
When you become aware of the power of your words, then you become aware of how significantly you can connect with and strengthen your children. Your words become their realities. If you use positive words, you create positive realities. Communicating in a negative way is a common pitfall for parents, but the following examples will illustrate my point.
A mother with a nine-month-old son came to see me. During the meeting, she changed his clothing. He was smiling and looked relaxed and happy. However, because she knew he liked to be naked (which she found frustrating), she said to him ‘Oh, you’re not going to try and take that off now, are you?’. And to me, she said ‘He always does that’. As soon as she said that, he tried to get out of his clothes!
On another occasion, I heard a father telling his three-year-old daughter that she was too young to tie her shoelaces by herself and that he would need to help her. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t even attempt the task. Another time, I was eating out with another parent who said, in front of her child: ‘She doesn’t like to try new food and she never eats broccoli!’– at which point the child refused the vegetables that were offered.
What’s the alternative? Well, you can begin by eliminating negative words like ‘never’ and reducing your use of the word ‘no’. Better than that, you can try to anticipate positive outcomes, rather than negative ones. With regards to these above examples, the parents could have said:
‘You look so lovely in this outfit’ (Or she could have just smiled back at her happy baby.)
‘Tying your shoelaces is tricky. I’m happy that you want to try. Let me know if you need help.’
‘Would you like to try broccoli? What’s the texture like? And the taste? Do you like it?’
It’s useful to remember that if on a specific day, or in a specific week, your child doesn’t want to eat or taste something, that doesn’t mean they won’t try it or like it in the future. Tomorrow is a new day and the child might love it tomorrow, because children are designed to grow and develop. Every day is a chance to learn something new, experience something exciting, and grow in their abilities. Do give them the chance to surprise you! And start by being aware of the power of your words.
Left with the “but”
‘You were really happy at the party, but you didn’t behave … The teacher said you’re a caring friend, but you find it hard to concentrate in class … You cleared up after yourself but you left glue all over the place!’
These quotes illustrate the ‘but’ trick. You start off positive and then add a ‘but’. Try to recall how this feels from the other side, for example, when your boss gave you positive feedback and then added a ‘but’ and followed it with a critique. Or when your partner said: ‘What great sex we had tonight – but why didn’t you wear that outfit I like?’ What are you left with? The ‘but’. All the things before it just go blank, and it’s the same for your child. What are the options here? Here are a few:
‘You were really happy at the party. I expect you to express your excitement in a way that doesn’t hurt others.’
‘The teacher said you’re a good friend – responsible and caring. She would like you to work on your concentration in class, too.’
‘You cleared the papers, paint and leftovers. All that’s left to do now is to clean the glue from the table.’
Help when needed
Despite liking to volunteer, there are those times when children can be over-tired, or feel unwell, or be overwhelmed by the task at hand. You might ask them to tidy up a game they’ve been playing with, to clear the table, or bring their night-clothes into the bathroom and not get the result you hoped for. Like in the example above, you can avoid using language such as ‘should’ and ‘must,’ and offer instead to be there to help if your help is needed. In line with many of the tips in this book, this puts the parent and the child on the same side – against the problem – rather than setting up a battle. For example, I recently observed this mother and child interaction:
Parent: ‘Do you want to put the book back on the shelf?’ The child, after a day at the nursery, put it back in a messy way.
Parent: ‘Let’s try nicely’—coming closer to the child and helping put back some other books. The child didn’t succeed.
Parent: ‘Try again’ in a soft voice, and at the same time organized the other books on the shelf. The child succeeded.
Parent: ‘That’s it! Give me high five!’
The mother used positive words while still being assertive about the task. This, coupled with her body language and a calm tone of voice, communicated that she was there to help.
Who wants to volunteer?
We want to give our children more responsibility and we want them to cooperate with things like household tasks. But some parents very quickly turn simple ‘helping’ activities into unnecessary power struggles – often using words like ‘you should’ and ‘you must’. In truth, there are far more effective ways to gain their cooperation. As a parent, it’s useful to recognise that for both children and adults, a sense of autonomy is an important component of their motivation to cooperate.
Children are dependent on adults on very many levels, but at the same time they (like us) do not like to be controlled. They like to believe that what they are doing is their choice, rather than an obligation, and they appreciate choice. One of the ways I encourage my children to cooperate is by asking them, ‘Who wants to volunteer?’ For example:
‘Who wants to volunteer to prepare the table for dinner?’
‘Who wants to volunteer to put the clean clothes away?’
This places me and my children on the same side – namely, against the task at hand – and most of the time one of them comes to help. In the rare event that my question is ignored, I go to where they are, make eye contact with them and, in a kind voice, say:
‘We have lots to do for dinner. When mummy asks who is volunteering I expect one of you or both to come and help. So now that I have asked, I’ll be in the kitchen waiting for the volunteer’.
They both come.
CHAPTER 2:
THE BEAUTY OF BELONGING
“You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
- Brene Brown
A sense of belonging is crucial for healthy development. This chapter provides tips that address ways in which you can develop it in your children, by reacting in a positive, encouraging way in your daily life.
Belonging as base
A sense of belonging means that we have a place and value in the world as we are. This is the feeling that we are loved and wanted, as well as being capable and contributing. It is a base from which to enjoy life’s adventures. The result of a healthy sense of belonging is confidence, positive self-image, courage and optimism. A child who believes in themselves will want to contribute, learn and grow. Without a sense of belonging, a child will feel rejected, incapab
le, not good enough, devalued, unnecessary and disadvantaged, and lack courage. This child will look for excuses and may seek value through negative behaviours.
In the Adlerian (psychodynamic) approach to parenting, many children’s challenging behaviours are put down to their lack of a sense of belonging in their family, and they may behave negatively when their sense of belonging is questioned, for example, when they feel forgotten in the presence of a newly arrived sibling. Although you might feel that your child is receiving enough attention, what is important is how the child feels because they might experience the family dynamic differently. They will react to their own subjective experience and, in doing so, their reality becomes their truth. If you manage to cross the bridge to your child’s world (or imagine your way into it), how much of a sense of belonging do you think they would feel?
Sharing is caring
With whom do we share our thoughts and feelings? With people whose opinions we value – people who are close to us. Sharing with your child (age appropriately, of course) gets the message over that we value their opinion and feel close to them. Sharing creates intimacy and respect, and develops empathy and interest. It also models a way to communicate.
In the past, children grew up in communities, with extended family all around them, and without the modern technology of phones and computers to hand, people actually communicated! They did this face-to-face. They helped each other, and reached for solutions. And where were the children? Watching. Learning. Observing. Imitating. There was a strong sense of belonging in this context. They learned from their parents, their grandparents and their extended family, as well as the grocer and the milkman. They had endless opportunities to observe adults talking to other people and they learned what was helpful, useful, productive, interesting – and how to manage differences and create intimacy.
Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 3