Nowadays, children are not exposed to this level of face-to-face communication. They do not read the texts messages you send to your partner or parents; they are not privy to the emails or Facebook interactions that you share with your friends and family. And they are less and less exposed to ways of solving problems, and communicating and the building of intimate relationships face-to-face.
In many respects, you – as the parent – have more on your shoulders as their model for communication than would have been so a generation or two ago. We tell children that ‘sharing is caring’, and this is true for us too – but in a different sense. If you don’t already do so, you can share with your child how your day was (age appropriately). For example, you can tell them:
‘On my way home from work the sun came out and I was thinking about you – that was exactly the time you were outside, playing.’
‘On the way back to the car, I saw this little dog and thought how cute you would find him.’
Share with them what you are doing now, how you solved a particular problem that day, what you are making for dinner, what you want to achieve in your work, your weekend, the holiday that you’re going on, and so on. If you show them how to share during relaxing times, this will help them to share things with you during more challenging times.
Challenge them with the problem
I found that long before there is a conflict between a child and a parent, we have many options to react in a way that helps bring about a solution rather than generate more challenges. When your child presents you with some issue that you find problematic, you do have choices. Many parents try to solve the issue at hand by offering options or solutions, perhaps when their child doesn’t want to get out of the bath, or doesn’t want to wear a coat on a cold day. You could react by saying ‘You need to get out because it’s story time’ or ‘It’s freezing outside and we don’t leave the house without a coat’.[all quotes inline in italics?]
These words might work, but if you feel they are going to create unnecessary conflict then you can say something that puts your child on the solution side – rather the problem one. Here are some suggestions:
‘I see you’re enjoying your bath. But we have a problem, because it’s story time and you need to be in bed by seven-thirty.’
‘You prefer not to wear your coat. I have a problem with that because it’s very cold outside and you may catch a cold.’
That’s it! Leave them with the problem. In most cases, they come back with brilliant solutions. The examples above are real. In the first case, my client’s child offered to stay in the bath for an extra five minutes and to have an extra-short story! In the second case, the daughter offered to wear an extra layer – a zipped fleece – and wear a coat, but left open.
Who says we need to offer the solutions? Let them be part of the resolution – not the problem.
The bonus in asking your child for solutions is that they learn that they can be part of resolving an issue. So, when your child is being the source of challenges – ‘I want a play date’ (on a day when this is not possible) … ‘I want you to take me to school’ (on the only day you can’t do it) … ‘I want this toy’ (when his friend has just started to play with it) – do not jump in to resolve it. Briefly explain the situation and ask them for their opinion. They can be part of the solution, not the problem, which is a great skill to take with them into adulthood.
Be in touch
To communicate positively doesn’t involve only face-to-face communication. When a parent works for long hours, leaves home before the children wake up, or has to work away from home, they can still keep relationships alive. Notes of appreciation, humour or love attached to their children’s lunch box, or left under their pillow or on their iPad can all bring a smile to their day.
For older children, sending an email or text message to their mobile is a good option. The child discovers the note or message during the day, and feels special because you are thinking about them. You don’t need to be far away to surprise your child this way. Finding a note from a parent during the school day is always a magical moment. And for parents who need to travel, there are other ways to keep up the connection with their children. Here are some ideas:
1. Try Skyping – it’s a friendly programme that children can learn how to use to call you up (maybe from your partner’s account for safety reasons).
2. One of my colleagues suggests choosing a stone from the garden, marking or painting it in some way, and ‘loading’ it with kisses. You ask child how many kisses they want for each day and kiss the stone that number of times (and add more as extras). Then, whenever the child misses you they can ‘charge’ themselves up by ‘downloading’ the kisses. You can decide to have a stone each, and maybe decorate them. You could even put your perfume or aftershave on the one you leave with your child.
3. Some parents leave a photograph of themselves beside their child’s bed (for some children this is not a good option – if distracting themselves works well, seeing a photo can bring all their sadness back). For many, it makes them feel as if the parent is with them. Other ideas include giving them an old t-shirt or pyjama top for them to wear.
4. One parent told me that she posts a letter to her child on the day she travels so her daughter receives it two days after the separation.
Whatever you choose to do, you can keep your relationship and communication alive when you are not physically present. The message is that although we are physically apart, we are emotionally connected and can hold each other in our minds.
The battle of the homework
If you are the one who is worried about your child’s homework, stressed for them that they will not get it done on time or do it tidily, and you keep reminding them, or nagging them, or arguing about it – you are probably not putting the responsibility for their homework on their shoulders. Homework is an issue that is raised often in my workshops. I hear parents discuss the reasoning behind their nagging. It may be related to the time and age in which we live and the academic pressure to excel, or to individual parent’s anxieties (my child’s success is my success) or cultural norms (he needs to be the best in his class). Whatever the reason, the power struggle with your children about homework doesn’t teach them about taking responsibilities. Your relationship is more important than the doing of homework.
So, what’s the alternative? Tell your children that their homework is between them and their teacher, and that they are old enough to be responsible for it. If they need help, you will be there for them, but the homework is theirs, not yours. For some children, thinking with them about the best time for them to do their homework is useful (it’s best if not immediately after school, or before bedtime, or between various afterschool activities). Writing out a schedule to put above their desk or work table can help. It doesn’t mean you are not going to help if your child asks a question, but if they don’t understand how to do the homework it is important that they communicate this with their teacher. Inviting them – rather than you emailing the teacher on their behalf – to write their teacher about what they did not understand, should help the teacher to guide them.
And what happens if they choose not to do their homework, parents often ask? This is the teacher’s problem, not yours. Many children find it very stressful to go to school without their homework done. If you encourage them and they choose not to take on the responsibility, then anxiety in the morning before school might be a natural consequence. Add to this the fact that some teachers keep the children who didn’t do their homework in the classroom to complete it, instead of enjoying play time.
This is how children learn to take responsibility for their own actions. You give them the support to do their homework, but it’s their responsibility and their decision to do it. Can you see the difference? Once again, instead of being against them in a power struggle, you are with them, empowering them to develop. It also means you are working
to collaborate with the school’s expectations.
Your child’s wisdom
You probably carry far too much on your shoulders, so why not invite your children to help? You can invite them to find solutions to everyday challenges. Feeling part of a problem – or part of the solution – is also related to the sense of belonging. I prefer to place the focus on being part of the solution.
Asking for your child’s opinion, in a way that is age appropriate, gives them the message that you appreciate and value them as wise people and that their opinion is important to you. This increases their contributions to the family, their creativity, and overall closeness. Once you start asking them, you will be surprised by their creative thinking and ideas. Furthermore, when a child is part of the thinking process, they are much more engaged and cooperative in implementing the process. For example, you can ask your child at the supermarket which items they think would be healthy to put in the fruit salad you will be eating later in the day. The more your child is involved in the shopping, the more they will be likely to help make (and eat!) it.
Remember, too, that not every question requires a discussion. Asking your child which tie fits the shirt you’re wearing, or which trousers match a specific top all serve the same goal – they express that your child’s opinion is valued. However, if you already know which tie you’re going to wear, and are not really open to changing your mind – then don’t ask for their opinion. Only ask where their opinion can count.
CHAPTER 3:
YOUR SMILE CAN CHANGE YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy”.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
This chapter focuses on your body language and its effect on your relationships and your children.
The strength of a smile
Did you know that your smile is actually contagious? If you want to know more, get hold of a copy of Provire’s article from 1992 called Contagious laughter: Laughter is a sufficient stimulus for laughs and smiles.
The part of your brain that is linked with the facial expressions of smiling resides in the cingulate cortex – an unconscious, automatic response area. Scientific studies have shown that the same area of the brain is activated when people see other people’s faces when they are smiling or laughing – the positive emotions they get are the same as those when they smile themselves. It seems that when our brains unconsciously process other people’s actions, our neuronal patterns mirror them; in other words, our own brains experience the same emotion. We know about this from work carried out by Dimberg et al. in 2000. It’s a lot like the contagious effect of yawning.
When you smile at your children, it’s likely that they won’t be able to help themselves from smiling back. Every time you smile or laugh together, their brain detectors lead them to return the smile. This is one way to create a relationship that allows both of you to release ‘feel-good’ chemicals (endorphins), which are known to increase the chances of you both living longer and lead healthier lives. As the researcher Provine says:
“The necessary stimulus for laughter is not a joke, but another person”.
Wants versus needs
When I ask children what they want from their parents when they spend time together, they say ‘Fun’. And when I try to understand more about what they mean, they give me various explanations and examples. Interestingly, beneath all their answers is a common core need: they want to feel that you, their parent, wants and likes being with them. They don’t want to feel that you need to do it (to make you feel better, for example), or that you’re with them because you think it’s what loving parents ought to do (again, to make you feel better), or because you haven’t done it for a long time and they’ve been reminding you about it. They want you to do it only because you truly and utterly like and enjoy being with them. And how can they know that? Through your body language. When you are enjoying yourself, your body is relaxed, your facial expression is soft, and when you smile, you smile with your eyes. Also, you are present.
It means not forcing yourself to do something your child wants you to do, or something you resent doing. You have to find something that brings you joy as well – perhaps something you did when you were a child, or something you do now but want to share with your child. Are you enjoying Zumba? Great! Find a class for parents and children. You like programming technology? Then teach your child how to code their own game. Bring them closer to your world, and try to visit their fun world too. Who knows, you might enjoy it!
Smile when you least feel like it
At the start of my career I remember working with a couple that I found very challenging. Their way of communicating with each other was stressful enough for any therapist, let alone one just starting out, like me. I discussed their case with my supervisor. Eventually, it became clear to me that I stood to learn an enormous amount from them.
One of the things my supervisor told me was: ‘When you welcome the most challenging couples, receive them with a warm, empathic smile. They’re the ones who need it the most’. I feel this is just as true with parents and their children.
We can smile a lot during the day, but children probably need our warmth and smile the most when they look like they least deserve it.
In every relationship, two can make a situation into a disaster, but we need only one person to improve it. Be that one! Give a warm, empathic smile when you ask them for things, when you say goodbye to them at school, when you say goodnight, and when you meet again.
Laughter therapy
Laugh a lot. Laugh more! Why not!? When you laugh, those strong feel-good chemicals are released throughout your brain and body, and they can produce a feeling of euphoria and feel-good experiences. The same happens to your children when they laugh. But when you laugh together, your brain learns to associate the positive feelings with the other person – your child.
There are many other benefits for the body and mind, too, caused by the vibration of your body when you laugh, which releases tension and reduces anxiety. You can also provide a model for your child on how to lighten up situations using humour (never at their expense – only at yours). Children love it when their parents are playful with them. What is it that makes you laugh? Pillow fighting? Reading jokes from a book? A funny movie? Being silly? A game or an online clip? Show your child that it’s fun to be an adult too! It isn’t all about mortgages, household duties, and work! This way, they will have something to look forward while they are growing up.
If you find it difficult to laugh, have a look online. You will find many techniques to promote belly laughing. One of them involves standing with soft knees in front of someone else (an adult or child) and looking into each other eyes, then starting to make a noise with open mouths – something between a cough and a car starting to power up. Allow your voice to become louder and louder, and more intense, until out comes a long and fulsome belly laugh. Enjoy!
Attention time
Sometimes parents often feel pressurised to be somewhere on time, to leave the house in good time, or to organise something at home with several children and visitors. They try to get the family’s attention so they can speed things up, but unintentionally they often create more chaos.
Here’s a tip that can help increase focus under these circumstances. I learned it from my daughter’s school-teacher. Whenever she claps her hands in a specific rhythm, all the children imitate her clapping and look at her. It’s become built into them now, and is a very effective way to make thirty children silent within two seconds! I tried it out when I was organising my girls’ birthday parties. I explained at the start that whenever I clapped my hands they should imitate the rhythm and turn their attention to me. It worked brilliantly. Not only do they love this ‘game’, but it also helps to stop everything that’s going on so we can be clearer about the next step, and therefore speed things up.
The power
of a glance
Do you already make eye contact when communicating with your children? Or did you raise your eyebrows when you read this question, saying ‘of course’ to yourself? Think again. Then think about how many times you speak to your child when your eyes are fixated on some kind of screen, whether a PC, iPad, smart phone, TV, or Kindle, or some other kind of device, like a tool you’re sharpening, or a pan you’re stirring, or a cupboard you’re cleaning out? How many times do you actually watch your child playing in the playground, instead of catching up on e-mails or social media?
Parent–child connection cannot and should not be developing without eye contact. I have yet to hear a meaningful conversation between two people when one of them has their eyes on a screen. We say we don’t want to miss a thing, but ironically we commonly pay the price of missing the moment. Today’s the day for you to decide that you’d like your children to remember the colour of your eyes when they grow up.
Children channel your calm
Your child’s brain is very sensitive to the emotions of the people around them. They are alert and attuned to your state of mind, and they react to it. It reminds me of watching one of the first parent–child research studies ever captured on video. The camera they used was huge, and the baby looked at the big strange box and the camera operator holding it with a frightened expression. His mother very naturally and calmly reassured him ‘Ah, this is just a camera’ and the child looked at her and said ‘Ahh’ as if he understood the meaning.
Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 4