You can take this into account when you plan your child’s room. Some parents buy their young children a double bed, because they want them to have space and comfort – without realising that from the child’s perspective this can be overwhelming. A large bed, in their eyes, might make it difficult for them to contain their fears– it can be scary! These parents obviously have the best of intentions, yet the children end up being afraid to go to sleep. Replacing the bed with a small, age-appropriate one provides psychological safety for young eyes and minds, and can make all the difference. They can see the edge of the bed, they know where it starts and where it ends, so they have a sense of control that helps them to contain their fears.
Why do they act the way they do?
Many children resist doing what their parents say. In many cases, when you experience your child’s resistance, it isn’t about you. They’re resisting as part of their own development. Yes. I know, that statement doesn’t make sense, but let me explain.
You want to read a new book to your children, but they insist on hearing a book you’ve already read out loud over a hundred times! Why is it they keeps wanting the same book? Or to go on the same slide in the playground? Or do the same puzzles time after time? The reason is because they still get something from that book or activity, or they are in the process of working things out about it. This is their developmental task. With books, for example, they learn about constancy, a sense of things, prediction, language, a deeper understanding of the story. When they are very young, children don’t actually know that the end of the story will be the same every time! And each time they read or hear the same story, they understand something new. They will keep asking for the same book until their developmental needs are satisfied. So, instead of being concerned about it, stay with them in the experience. Don’t rush them to move on. Trust that they will guide you.
The quick step
I was walking along the street with my family when the elder one, then seven years old, started to walk in a funny way. I asked her in an amusing tone what she was doing. She replied that she was imitating her younger sister, then just three. My husband and I looked at the younger child’s legs and saw that for her to keep up with our pace she needed to walk three steps for every one of ours. She was doing the quick step on a regular basis! So we all tried to imitate her walk. What can I say? It was tiring! Small, quick steps take a lot of effort.
This doesn’t mean children don’t need to walk, and I actively encourage parents to reduce the use of buggies and pushchairs for children aged two to two and a half, and to give it away (!) before the child reaches three. It’s important for children to walk, not to be carried, for their physical and emotional health, but I hear many parents say that their children don’t like to walk. So? Does that mean we have to carry them or push them in a buggy until they are five? No, it doesn’t. Here are a few things I found helpful when walking with the family.
1. Be interested in what they see and experience from their perspective (and eye level) to create conversation and connection, so that the walking becomes a source of connection, rather than a physical challenge.
2. When your child says they are exhausted and cannot walk any further, say something like ‘Let’s see if we can reach the next lamp before I count to five.’ Amazingly, that can get them running like lions!
3. Try passing imaginary energy between each other – like a special power – between your hands. This way you can ‘give’ each other energy whenever needed.
4. Try varying the way you walk in a way that is playful – try backwards, skipping, or walking like a specific animal.We don’t always have the time and energy to invest in these ideas, but whenever you are in a good space, try it out and keep developing your own tricks.
A rocky gift
When a child gives you a gift, even if it is a rock they just picked up, exude gratitude. It might be the only thing they have to give, and they have chosen to give it to you
- Dean Jackson
I love this quote. Every parent will recognise the situation when their child picks up some rubbish (that is, in the parent’s view) from the floor and offers it as a gift. This quote really brings it home for me. And it brings us back to the child’s perspective. When my daughter was young and she became angry with me or her father, she would say, ‘I will not invite you to my birthday party’. My initial reaction was to say, ‘I’m the one who organises your parties, so if I’m not invited there won’t be any party’. I saw the disappointment and anger in her face, so I consciously went back to the basics – to see it from her perspective! From her perspective, her birthday party was probably one of the most important events she knew. To use this threat in this way was just her way of showing us how upset she was. So I replaced the unnecessary fact that I usually responded with a comment about how she felt:
‘Ah, I can see that you’re very upset and right now you don’t want to invite me to your party’.
She then said more about how she felt and we took it from there (more tips on that to follow). Luckily, she gave me many more opportunities to practice this kind of interpretation, so it became more natural for me to react in a productive way.
Planned screaming
Children express themselves with their voices. They may shout – sometimes from excitement and other times from fear. Screaming is not so bad for them. So before you tell them not to shout – think twice. When they are very young, the sounds they make are important for developing their voice, and are also a great way to release aggression and anxiety. While we don’t want them to scream all day, we can help them express themselves in an appropriate way and at an appropriate time.
So-called ‘transformational breathing’ is a way to use sounds to release strong emotions. You can make use of this at home by telling your children that you can do it together instead. You all take a full breath in and make a strong sound – or scream – until you have no more air in your lungs. Then inhale deeply again and do it again. After doing this four times, the vibrations in your body should produce a calmer state of mind. So rather than stopping your children with another exclamation of ‘No shouting!’, join in with them. Obviously this isn’t appropriate in a public place (if a waiter asks you to leave the restaurant, don’t blame me!), but you can do it at home or in the park, or to indicate that you understand them:
‘I can see how excited you are – you really want to scream with excitement. You know what? As soon as we’re back in the car let’s take a deep breath and scream!’
Don’t give the third degree
You pick up your child from school. You’re very keen and interested to know how her day was. What do you say? Most parents welcome children after school with endless questions: ‘How was your day? … Who you did you play with? … Why are you sad? … What did you eat for lunch? … Did you tell your teacher that?... Why you are so grumpy? Do you think it’s nice to pick you up from school when you’re like this?’
And what would most children answer? Probably just ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or ‘I don’t know’. Now imagine yourself in this child’s shoes. You’re back home after a very busy and stressful day at work. You had to deliver a difficult presentation, you had disagreements with a colleague, and your boss placed yet more responsibility on your shoulders. You couldn’t wait to get home. You open the door, desperate to have a coffee and some quiet time, but before this happens your partner comes in from the other room, looking very cheerful, and asking you: ‘How was your day?’. You answer ‘Busy’. He replies, ‘Why are you sad? What did you eat for lunch? Did you tell your boss that …? Why didn’t you tell your colleagues …? Why you are so grumpy?’. How would this make you feel?
Now imagine yourself coming home again – same situation. You open the door. Your partner sees your face, smiles, comes over to you and gives you a long hug, then says ‘It looks like you had a long day. I’ll make some coffee. I’m happy you’re home’.
Can you see the d
ifference? In which situation would you be more likely to feel understood and want to share? Parenting expert Doctor Haim Ginott says in his book Between Parent and Child:
‘In most situations, making statements is preferable to asking questions’.
This week, then, when picking up your children from school, welcome them with a smile, and a hug and say:
‘I’m so happy to see you!’
That’s it! If you want to comment on a good mood, then add something like:
‘I see you’re very happy/excited today.’
Let them choose when, where, and what to tell you about their day.
Traffic light danger
I went to meet Mrs Smith, a year-one teacher at a private school in London. We arranged the meeting because I work with the family of a girl in her class and wanted to understand more about her own challenges with the girl. I noticed a large triangle on the classroom wall, divided into three colours – green at the bottom, yellow in the middle, and red at the pointed top. I was curious about it, because I understood it was for encouraging positive behaviour. The teacher pointed out that it was like traffic lights – green for good behaviour, yellow for a warning, and red for negative behaviour.
Now let’s see this from a child’s point of view. First, climbing up the triangle relates to increasingly problematic behaviour. Second, two-thirds of the chart is negative – yellow was a warning, which is not a positive thing. A method like this actually encourages negative behaviour because that’s the focus of most of the chart. There are not many options for progress, or for encouraging positive behaviour. There must be a better way to go about it. At another school, I saw a long chart, in the form of a photographic film strip, with seven colours, each of which had a statement printed on it. From the bottom up they said:
‘Talk to Parents’ on black.
‘Teacher’s Choice’ on light blue.
‘Think About It’ on dark blue.
‘Ready to Learn’ on green.
‘Good Work’ on yellow.
‘Great Job’ on orange.
‘Outstanding’ on red.
At the start of every day, all the children’s name tags are placed on green (Ready to Learn) and the teacher uses the chart very cleverly to encourage good behaviour. It gives the children more options to shine, to progress, to develop, and there’s an equal opportunity to be on the positive side or the negative side, or to stay neutral in the middle. This allows each child to correct their misbehaviour more quickly and with less shame (the equivalent of being in the red, or consistently in the yellow in the first chart). On this chart, when a child’s name climbs upwards, it represents outstanding behaviour. So, from your children’s perspective (not yours!), and in the family situation rather than the classroom, would they feel that your focus and attention are unbalanced like the traffic light chart with respect to time-outs, and so on, or would they feel that there’s an equal opportunity to shine as with the film strip?
The camera doesn’t lie
If you want to learn a vast amount about your parenting, you should use a video camera at home. Watching myself in a home video provided insights about my children’s experiences that were absolute gems. I can still remember when my younger one learned to walk. She was just ten months old and physically petite, and I excitedly asked my husband to film it. Watching the footage later, I saw how excited I had been as I encouraged her to take her first few steps. Then her sister, four years older, wanted me to watch her rolling over. I said ‘Yes of course. When she finishes her steps it will be your turn’. After several steps, she fell on her bottom – very pleased with herself – and I told my elder daughter that it was her turn. She started to roll over, with the intention of rolling over several times in a row, but in the middle of this, my little one stood again, barely balancing, and tried for the second time to walk on her own. I immediately called to my husband ‘Look, look! She’s walking!!’
It was only when watching the video that I saw my elder daughter’s reaction – a very quiet and gentle disappointment that I was not ‘present’ for her. No aggression to her sister or to me, no tantrum, no drama, just quietly looking at me. I can tell you this was very painful for me to see. I was so sure I was a balanced parent, giving my attention to all, noticing and being attuned to everyone’s needs, but the video reminded me that it is not about what I think I do, but how my child experiences me.
The video helped me see things from her point of view, and enabled me to be more empathic and understanding. Since then, I’ve tried to remember that when one of my children achieves a milestone, the other still has a need to be seen. What children experience in their world might be very different from what we experience. The point is that I, and you, might not be the parent we think we are. Film yourself from time to time in order to be curious and grow your understanding.
Beyond behaviour: seeing the schema
Your three-year-old child is ‘driving’ his sit-on truck in quick circles at home, over and over again, making noises, and apparently playing quite roughly. What do you say? What’s your instinctive reaction? For many parents, the immediate response is to say something like ‘Not so fast!’ or ‘Can’t you relax a bit?’ or ‘Stop playing like that!’. Does that sound familiar?
When observing Ruthie Akainyay, a teacher at a Montessori nursery in London, one little boy was doing exactly that, in the garden. He was driving a toy car, sitting inside and moving it by flapping his legs, but he was going very fast, which was quite rough for a space with other children around.
Ruthie: ‘Daniel, are you driving a bus? Is it the C11?’
Daniel: ‘Yes, it is a bus, but not the C11.’
Ruthie: ‘So which one are you?’
Daniel: ‘The 268!’
Ruthie: ‘Where are you going?’
And she continued to add ‘narrative’ to his play. With the narrative he processed new information, making sense of things, and he also decreased his speed. She turned to me and said:
‘He’s at the schema stage of understanding wheels. It’s a phase when he will be obsessed and fascinated by everything on wheels. So whatever we want to teach him, we use his language – of wheels – whether we’re teaching him numbers, narrative, or phonics. So in this situation instead of saying “Stop” or “Why’re you doing this?”, I attach a narrative to his play.’
Can you recognise when your child is trying to master something? And the phase or schema your child is experiencing? Perhaps its filling cups of water, trying to control a pen, or mastering a spoken sound? Try adding a narrative to their behaviours to help them make sense of the world around them.
CHAPTER 6:
ENCOURAGE CONVERSATION — NOT INTERROGATION
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
- Catherine M. Wallace
We all talk with our children, but are we encouraging conversation – or are we interrogating them? In this chapter, you will explore different tools that encourage children to share their feelings and experiences.
Space, space, space
A mother once told me that her daughter Zoe didn’t share anything with her. Zoe didn’t like to talk, and her mother felt that she was holding her emotions inside. Then she came with Zoe to see me and we video-recorded the session. It was enlightening for her to see her reactions to every one of her daughter’s attempts to talk. Although it was with the best of intentions, she spoke for Zoe, she reacted defensively to her comments, and she corrected (another word for criticised) her memory as she recounted things to me.
If your children are like Zoe – not big on sharing – you need to be extra aware of their need for space and safety. Let them lead the conversation by giving them the time and space to explore their feelings, thoughts and beliefs. And give them enough time �
� I love it when parents come back to me and say that they used this waiting approach, and just before the point of giving up and saying something, their child spoke out and deepened the conversation. Don’t try to ask them what they said or what they did. Don’t use the space to ‘educate’ them on their behaviour or responsibilities. If you feel your child is struggling with something, you might ask them:
‘What do you need to resolve this issue?’
The premise is that your child is active in this process – you are not providing answers. Even though it can be painful for you to see your child struggle, with sufficient time and space they will find the answers and inner wisdom to resolve most of their challenges. Your job is to be alongside them in this task. By attempting to solve a problem for them, by rushing in with a solution, you deprive them of the opportunity to develop trust in their own sense of ‘agency’.
Face feelings
Too often, parents say to me ‘Why talk about feelings? Doesn’t it make things worse?’. No, it doesn’t. Imagine your child as a pressure cooker. The heat inside builds and builds. If you use a pressure cooker you’ll know that it’s very dangerous to open at the end of cooking – it can blow up in your face! So what do you do? You release the pressure slowly, in a safe and controlled manner. It’s the same with children and their feelings. Ignoring how they feel means things will blow up at some point in time, and that’s not healthy for the child – or your relationship. I’d like to list some of the reasons I believe it’s important to talk about feelings:
Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 6